by Brenda Ford
By the time the abuse turned from mental to physical, there was nothing left of me. I was a shell of my former self, and I blamed only me for everything that was going on. It had to be my fault, didn’t I? I had to be the problem because I had transformed the lovely gentleman in to the worst of the worst. I also clung on to the good memories and tried to get them back. I would have done anything to get that relationship back and that’s why I stayed for far too long. So long that any confidence I have gained now is a freaking miracle.
I don’t know what would have happened if everything hadn’t erupted in such an epic fashion. If my whole life hadn’t been shattered in one awful moment, I don’t know where I would be now. Not in LA, that’s for sure. Probably still with him and being beaten all the time. Maybe even in a morgue. It’s scary, but in a way, it took that massive moment to change everything and to give me the courage to run away. Not that I can be grateful for it. I can’t be glad for any moment that I spent with Dante. I regret every moment of it…
Ring, ring. My cell phone shakes me from my thoughts, from the past, thank goodness. Ring, ring…
“Dad,” I answer happily, glad to hear from him. Just because we got divided during my relationship with Dante, it doesn’t mean that he has destroyed us completely. Of course, we can’t see one another all the time now that I’m in LA, but we talk a lot. He stops me from going freaking crazy. “How are you?”
I press pause to stop the other complication in my life, Lance, from playing on the screen, then I rise up from the couch and pace the front room as I speak to my favorite person in the world. It makes me home sick to hear my father talking about his friends and his work, all people and places that I know all too well, but I know that however much I want to I can’t go back there. I can’t re visit what I ran away from.
“Anyway,” my father finally declares. “You sound peppy today. How are things with you?”
“Hmm, things are okay,” I reply cautiously. “Very much the same. The bar keeps me busy…”
“And what about friends?” He always asks me this. I know that he worries about me being lonely, but I’m much happier being by myself rather than letting someone else in that I can’t trust. “Dates? Anything like that?”
“Dad, you know I don’t want to date anyone here. You know I can’t trust myself again. And you hated my last idiotic choice of guy, so why would you be encouraging me to get back out there?”
“Millie, I know what loneliness looks like,” he replies sharply. “I haven’t managed to move on from your mother dying when you were just a baby. That situation changed me, but at least I have those happy memories to keep me going. I didn’t like Dante because I knew that he wasn’t right for you, and the last thing I want is for you to have your whole life ruled by him. That isn’t right either. You got away. You are still very young. You should absolutely try again. Just learn from your mistakes and chose wiser in future.”
“Hmmm.” I don’t know what to say to that. I don’t want to get even more confused here.
“Aren’t there any nice young men there who can take you out? Come on, Millie, you are beautiful. Unless you are completely hiding yourself away from the world, someone must have asked you out. Didn’t you mention an actor who comes in to the bar at one point? Lance? Hasn’t he been very nice to you?”
I roll my eyes, irritated at myself for ever even mentioning Lance to my dad. I should have known that he would jump on that information and make it a much bigger deal than it really is.
“Dad, he is just a friend of mine, that’s all. Yes, he’s nice, but that doesn’t mean anything…”
“The best relationships can come from friendship. Me and your mother were friends before.”
I tune out as he tells me the infamous tale of him and my mother meeting because I’ve listened to it a million times before. Also, it’s hard for me to hear it because it’s about a woman who’s such a big part of me but that I haven’t ever met. Not at an age when I can remember anyway, so it’s a challenge for me to listen to anything.
Instead, my mind drifts and I imagine a different life, the one that my father seems to want for me without ever meeting Lance. He wants me to have my own happiness and he wants me to find it with someone that he considers ‘nice’. That’s hardly surprising considering my track record, but is Lance ‘nice’ enough? I guess he’s the nicest person who I have ever met, which leads me to day dream about what a date would be like with him. He would probably go all out because he’s been asking me forever and I have finally agreed, but it would have to be private, I think that he gets that part. If anyone learned about us and I ended up in the media, then the eruption I ran away from would become public knowledge and everything would change. I don’t want that.
“Anyway…” My father’s tone changes as soon as he gets to the end of his story. He drags me from my thoughts and back in to the present moment. “Just think about it. It would be good for you to have some fun. You need it.”
“Sure. Maybe I will think about it.” There, that’s no commitment at all, is it? Perfect. “But I need to get ready for work now so I will have to give you a call when I get some free time. Is that okay?”
“Sure, sure,” he replies breezily. “I’ll speak to you soon. Love you, Millie.”
For a moment, I fear that I might burst in to tears. I miss my father so much that it kills me. I would love to go and see him, to have a hug from my dad who has always been around, but I have to remain strong. I have to stick to my guns and keep my head up high. I made a decision to escape and I have to stick to it.
“Love you too, Dad.” I cradle the phone closer to my ear. “Speak soon.”
I hang up the phone and remain where I am, standing in the middle of the room for a few moments, trying to forget how home sick I feel. I also need to try and forget my father’s words with regard to Lance as well or I will end up agreeing to a date without even meaning to. Then there’s no telling what will happen.
Chapter 5 – Lance
“Oh God, really?” My fingers tremble with anger as I scroll down the entertainment news article, reading what has been published about me now, and I have to say that this isn’t welcome. “Where have they got this from?”
Lance Wilson Dating Ashley Hurley. As if the title wasn’t bad enough, the suggestions that we have been spotted at celebrity events ‘looking very cozy’ only wind me up even further. I haven’t even been to any publicity events recently, and certainly not with Ashley. She has been trying to get me to go out with her, but I have always refused because I didn’t want anything like this to happen. I didn’t want to get caught up in a storm.
“A source close to Ashely.” I grit my teeth as those words catch my eye. “Was this Ashely?”
I’ve been suspicious of her for a long ass time, ever since I got the job with her and I learned that she always dates her costars. That only got worse when she started to flirt with me and now, I know why. Ashley Hurley is a clever woman, she is always thinking about her image which I suppose comes from her years in Hollywood, and she knows that the audience is more likely to buy in to a love story on screen if they think there is one off screen as well. Plenty of people manipulate the media to push this ideal, but that isn’t ever going to be me. I would much rather people buy in to the romance because my acting is good. No other reason.
I screw up my fists in irritation as I imagine becoming everything that I hate, one of those guys who pushes himself to become successful by using the media and his private life to sell himself.
Ring, ring… Ring, ring… Ring, ring…
I roll my eyes as I see the name on my cell phone screen. Much as I’m normally over the moon to speak to Stephen, right now I’m irritated. He sent me this article as if it’s good news and now he’s going to want my opinion on it. I don’t think I will give him my real opinion thought because it involves too many curse words.
“Stephen, where did this come from?” I bark out, letting out some of my frustration.
“For a story that isn’t real,” I remind him. “For a story that I’m going to have to shut down.”
“You wouldn’t have to shut it down. You could just be very evasive about it. I’m sure that’s what Ashley would do because she’s an expert at getting people to be intrigued by her love life. She always gets a big following and audience to whatever she does because she knows how to ensure that everyone is interested in her.”
I’m stunned in to silence. I don’t even know what to say to that. Stephen wants me to manipulate the public? Even though he knows that isn’t me? I can’t even express how irritated I am about this.
“You could even get together with Ashley and make a strategy,” Stephen continues, almost as if he’s taking my silence as an agreement. “Be seen out together. Then people will be even more excited. I’m not saying that you have to go far enough as to hold her hand or kiss her or anything, you don’t need to be blatant. Just titillate and suggest. That way your movie will be a box office smash which I’m sure you want.”
“Not like that,” I shoot back coldly. “I don’t want to trick people in to seeing the film.”
“It isn’t like that, Lance.” He sounds weary, like I am making him frustrated which is a clear joke since he’s pissing me off. “You’re acting like I am asking you to commit a crime or something…”
I stop listening to him. Stephen tries to defend what he’s saying to me but I’m barely hearing a damn word coming out of his mouth. Instead, I’m focused on the picture of me and Ashley, one of the promo shots of us for the movie, which is now being used to make it look like me and her are an item. It’s making me angrier by the minute. I don’t know if I can have this conversation anymore, it’s getting too much for me.
“Stephen, I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” I bark. “I don’t want to entertain the idea of me and Ashley doing anything. I just want this story stopped before it can spiral. Can you do that?”
“Er, well now that it’s on the Internet, I might not be able to stop it… I can see what I can do, but you know how it is. I can’t stop websites from saying certain things. I can’t stop stories being published. There isn’t anyone policing the online world I don’t know what I can do about it. It might spread whatever you want…”
I scoff. It’s funny how he can do whatever when it benefits him but when I need him to do something for me there are a million and one excuses flying at me that I really don’t want to hear. I spit out a goodbye and hang up the phone before I can say anything else. I don’t want to fall out with Stephen about this, but I can’t deal with it now either. I would much rather just pretend that this isn’t happening. It’s feels awful to me to have this out there in the world, I mean anyone could see it, people who I don’t want to see it…
Like Millie. Oh God, I don’t want Millie to see this. I don’t want to lose my shot with her. Not over Ashley. It makes me feel sick to think of her seeing this and knowing that I can’t change her opinion of what’s been written about me. Not until I see her, and by then she might be so mad at me that she won’t even be my friend anymore. She won’t even want to talk to me, so I won’t get a chance to give her my side of everything.
My chances with Millie are skating on thin ice as it is, she’s already not agreeing to immediately go on a date with me and a lot of that is because of my fame, so this story about Ashely won’t help anything. It will only upset her further. I can already imagine her pissed off face as she sees all of this…
“God damn it.” I check my watch and realize that I need to get going because I’m needed on set. I’m going to have to face Ashley and everyone else which is freaking annoying. If Ashley has done this then she’s going to be over the moon about it. She’s going to be loving it and I’m sure that she’ll be pressuring me to date her in public as well. Especially if that’s how she works. If this is what she normally does. “Fucking hell.”
I’m not in the mood. It’s going to be very difficult for me to get in to the role of Jayden today, especially if I have to be romantic with Veronica, but I suppose I’m a professional and I shouldn’t bring my personal life in to work. I have to push all of this to one side and get myself in the game once more.
***
I huff loudly on the side of the set, trying to blow all of my irritation out in one fell swoop because I don’t have my head in the game right now. I’m not acting as well as I should be doing. I’m not giving Michael my all. It doesn’t help that Ashley continues to make snide remarks about the article, to really wind me up. She might as well have told me that she fed the media the article herself, which will only make it harder to deny if I need to.
My head falls in to my hands as I think about Millie some more. It’s killing me that I have to be here, that I can’t get my sorry ass to The Scarlet Lounge to explain everything to her. It’s my fault as well, I’m the one who keeps screwing up the shots today, it’s like a vicious cycle which I can’t escape from however hard I try.
“Will you just do this already?” I growl at myself. “Stop thinking. Get out of your head now.”
An arm snakes around my back and makes me jump high. I nearly freak out when I see that it’s Ashley and she’s giving me an incredibly self-satisfied smile. Clearly, this is all working out for her. I almost want to congratulate her on her manipulation working, but instead I shake her off because I don’t want her touch.
“What are you doing?” I snap with my eyes darting all around the place to check that we haven’t been caught. The last thing I want is new pictures of us together to add fuel to the flames. “I need a minute.”
“I just came to see how you are, boyfriend.” She shoots me a wink. “God, it’s funny, isn’t it? Now me and you really do need to go out together, don’t we? The public wants to see us together, arm in arm.”
“Don’t be so ridiculous.” I rise to my feet rapidly. “We can’t be seen together. That will make it worse.”
She titters with laughter as if I am the crazy one. “Oh God, you really don’t know how to play the Hollywood game, do you? What’s the matter? Do you have a secret wife or something? Someone who is going to be offended by the idea of me and you together? Because if not then what does it matter? It’s just the Internet talking. The Internet will always be talking, won’t it? It doesn’t matter what about. It’s better that they are talking about you dating me rather than saying awful things. One day, you might have to face that. Then you will be wishing for the day where all they are talking about is a possible romance. Believe you me.”
I part my lips, almost about to ask her what happened in her past, but I snap my mouth together quickly. That could be what she wants here. Perhaps she’s asking for me to get sucked in to this story in another way to manipulate me. I need to remember that she caused all of this, she started it, she’s the one who sold the story and put me in this position, so I really don’t want to give her what she wants. She’s already winning here; I don’t need to give her anymore. Ashley wants a reaction from me and I’m not going to give it to her.
Instead, I’m going to think about Millie, I’m going to focus on her and kick some ass in this scene so I can get it done and finally go to see her. Who knows, if I get done fast enough then maybe I will take some flowers to the bar to treat her, to let her know that I am still all about her no matter what is being written about me online. I need to get to Millie sooner rather than later which means I need to sort myself out. I have to do my breathing exercises to rid my brain of any thoughts and negative emotions. I need to do it, for Millie. For us.
Chapter 6 – Millie
“…so, that’s when I realized that I needed to divorce the bitch,” Bob s
lurs as he tells me the same story that I have heard a hundred times. “I wasn’t going to let her cheat on me like that again. Of course, I didn’t want her to get her hands on my money either, but that was a risk that I really needed to take.”
Personally, I think that his ex-wife would have done something better with the money since he has pretty much drunk it away, but there isn’t any point in saying that aloud. I did once when he was winding me up and he stormed out while calling me a million terrible names, but then he was back again the next day having remembered nothing and he was back to drinking and telling me the same stories. It was a waste of my breath.
“I see,” I answer politely instead. “Well, that’s really something, isn’t it, Bob?”
He continues on talking, droning on, moaning about the woman who he is clearly still in love with even though she cheated on him and ‘ruined his life’ but I tune it out and carry on working around him, serving other customers and cleaning up the bar around him… basically doing everything but watching the door because I really have to stop that. My father’s words about Lance have been plaguing me all day and it’s driving me wild. I can’t get it away from my brain, I can’t stop the fear that he might be right. I told myself that I wouldn’t date again. After Dante, I assured myself that being alone was better but now I’m not too sure. I don’t know about anything.
“Oh wow, I think that your admirer might be here, Molly.” Bob points towards the door.
“It’s Millie…” I start to remind him, but the words quickly fall away from my mouth as I see what Bob is looking at. Lance is here, the only admirer that I could possibly have, but today is different. Today he has a massive bunch of flowers in his hand and he’s holding them out as if they are for me. “What the…?”
My heart leaps up in to my throat, it blocks my air ways making it hard for me to breathe. The sensation of breathlessness leaves me dizzy, so I have to grab on to the bar to keep myself standing up right.
