by JJ King
I wondered if he would speak to me, and if I would ever get to feel the sensation of his fingers on my skin again. I wondered why I wanted him to touch me when I didn’t know him at all. I also wondered how being with him, a complete stranger, managed to chase away my nerves and anxiety when endless therapy hadn’t managed to make me normal.
Even as I wondered, his hand snaked out, grabbed my arm, and tugged me into the shadows of the Administration Building.
A gasp broke from my lips, not just because of the sudden move, but also because my skin had awakened again when he’d touched me. My breath came in jagged pants as he pressed me up against the ancient bricks and leaned forward, keeping his gaze locked on mine until—
His nose skimmed the length of my neck, stopping just below my ear, then he inhaled, and my core went deliriously hot. He pulled back just as slowly as he’d moved in, as if we had all the time in the world to explore this explosive reaction we both seemed to be experiencing.
“So, Alexis.” He said my name with a rumble that turned my knees to jelly. “Why exactly is it that you get special treatment from the Headmaster?”
His face hovered inches above me, and his hand rose, leaving my forearm, to skim the length of my cheek. His long fingers pushed away a lock of pink hair that had fallen over my eyes, letting me see the intensity in his dark depths.
“Krasivyy,” he whispered, his gaze searching mine for something inexplicable. He inhaled again, hummed softly in the back of his throat, and let his eyelids flutter shut.
I didn’t know what he meant—I didn’t speak Russian—but the single word and the sound of pleasure rumbling from deep inside him, sent sparks of desire through my entire body. My stomach muscles jittered, my hands opened and closed, needing to reach out and touch. Between my thighs, my sex clenched, desperate for—
I blinked and sucked in a shallow breath.
What was I doing? Hiding in the shadows with a guy I’d just met while trying to escape campus after a nightmare. I obviously wasn’t in my right frame of mind.
I stared at him, close enough that I could capture his lips like my libido wanted to by just leaning forward an inch. Just an inch and I could sweep away all these doubts. I could bury myself in him, drown myself in pleasure, and wash away the darkness that woke me too many nights, covered in sweat and screaming.
No. I gritted my teeth and clenched my fists tight enough for my nails to break the skin, letting the tiny physical pain ground me.
I turned my head away from him and squeezed my eyes shut.
His hands fell from my arms and he stepped back. The skin he’d abandoned ached to be touched again, but I ignored the need and breathed in and out through my mouth. His arousal thick scent surrounded me, filled my lungs, and left my mind reeling, but it was better than smelling him.
Maybe not.
“I didn’t mean—”
I opened my eyes and glared at him. “You didn’t mean what? To grab me? To push me up against a building? What didn’t you mean?”
The anger was easier. It helped me focus through the need, which was like a living thing inside me.
Dimitri ran a hand through his midnight dark hair and shook his head.
“I thought…” He trailed off. “I apologize if I got it wrong.”
I swallowed painfully, almost choking on the desire that leaped to my throat.
His eyes widened and, once more, he inhaled, slowly, deliberately.
A muscle worked in his jaw and, for a moment, I thought he would push himself on me. Men took what they wanted without thought for anyone else, didn’t they?
No, something inside me screamed. The danger I felt wafting off Dimitri was scary and alluring, but it wasn’t the same, wasn’t what I’d known my entire life.
I was safe with him.
Physically safe, I amended when he continued staring at me so intently it made a shiver race up my spine. Emotional safety was a different matter entirely.
“You want me.” He said it bluntly, with enough heat in his growly voice to make my mouth go dry.
I swallowed, trying to find enough moisture in my mouth to deny it, then stopped myself from telling the lie. What was the point? I didn’t owe this guy anything.
“So?” I bit the question out. “Just because I’m having a physical reaction to you doesn’t mean I want to pursue a…”
I searched for the proper word to use. Not relationship; no, that wasn’t right. Someone like him probably didn’t have relationships. He seemed like a fuck ’em and leave ’em kind of guy.
“I want you,” he said through clenched teeth.
Raw desire and fury struck me at the same moment, overwhelming my senses. I couldn’t deny that his blunt statement of need called to my wolf who was practically clawing at me to get out, but the audacity of his statement offered me a different route.
I shoved my body’s reaction away and chose anger.
“Well, you can’t have me.” I let my voice rise but kept it flat and cold, refusing to let him see the full extent of emotion he was drawing from me. I brought my hands up between us and connected with his chest, shoving him back so I could breathe and escape his all-consuming scent.
He stepped back, not because I’d moved him but because he could see the shift in me. His eyes tracked my every move, watching me like a predator about to take down his prey.
Except I wasn’t anyone’s fucking prey. Not anymore. Not ever again.
After an entire life of confinement, I was finally in control of my life. I’d put endless hours of work into finding myself, into finding enough confidence and power to step outside the walls of home and explore the world.
And Dimitri made me feel like I was losing control.
While my body ached for his touch, my mind told me to run. I’d known enough wild-eyed men in my life to know that they weren’t healthy for my recovery or my future.
Then again, my body argued, I didn’t need promises of future happiness to—
I ducked around him, an internal war raging inside me, and darted out of the shadows.
My feet hit the ground running and I didn’t stop, not to look back, not to think. As I rounded the corner of the building, I heard his growl of frustration, and had to order myself not to turn around and run back to him.
Chapter 4
I checked the time on my bedside clock again and chewed the inside of my cheek. I’d woken up later than usual because of my late-night excursion and subsequent tossing and turning and had only seen the message about my impromptu meeting with Dr. Bennett nine minutes before it was scheduled to start. Since I’d been in pajamas with my hair in knots, I was now out of breath from running to get ready in time. Luckily, I didn’t have to leave my room to attend the meeting, since it was virtual.
My phone rang at precisely 9:00 a.m. and I tapped the button that would allow us to video chat, since the email had specifically requested it. Dr. Bennett’s jovial features appeared on the screen.
“Lexi,” he said with a wide grin.
He was always smiling, well, almost always. He hadn’t smiled when we first started working together. Not when I’d spent endless sessions talking about my time in the dark, or being beaten, or being afraid for my life. No, he’d started smiling when I’d begun making it through most nights without nightmares and when I’d found joy in the little things.
“How are you? How are you adapting? How are your classes?” He rested his hands under his chin and waited.
That was another thing that he did differently now. At first, he’d kept the questions and the comments narrowed, so I didn’t get confused and retreat. But, as I’d become more confident in trusting in him, he’d expanded our relationship until I wasn’t sure there was anyone else in the world that I was more comfortable with.
“I’m doing alright, for the most part.”
My traitorous brain went directly to my encounter with Dimitri and got slapped back. There would be time for discussions of sexuality, but maybe not first th
ing in the morning. I tried to remember my day before I’d met the intense Russian and was shocked to realize I’d forgotten all about what had driven me outside in the first place.
“I got a bit triggered yesterday in my philosophy class. We were talking about Nietzsche’s approach to evil so, you know—” I shrugged, knowing he would understand.
“Ah, yes.” He nodded, tapping his chin. His eyes narrowed a fraction, as if he could tell I was leaving out the good stuff, then went serious. “I can see how that would dredge up some pretty dark memories for you. Tell me, what do you think about Nietzsche’s approach?”
I chewed my lip, grateful for the distraction. “I think he’s right. I don’t believe true evil exists, not in the way that supernaturalism believes. The argument ‘the devil made me do it’ is an excuse of either a weak mind or a powerful one.”
“Into which of those two categories did Raphael fall?” he asked, all traces of levity gone from his tone. He knew every deep dark secret I had and knew there was no joy to be found when discussing Raphael.
“There was nothing weak about Raphael,” I said. “Except for his grasp on sanity, I suppose. But even that, he used like a hammer to beat down anyone who would oppose him. Still, I don’t believe for a single second that someone or something outside of his twisted psyche made him do any of what he did.”
“What about mental illnesses?” Dr. Bennett asked, raising his eyebrows. “Throughout history, people with undiagnosed mental illnesses have been considered proof of the supernatural, of evil.”
I leaned forward, drawn in by the discussion.
“Exactly,” I said. “They didn’t know any better, so they blamed what they couldn’t see. Spirits, witches, the Devil, they’re all scapegoats, given power by people with strong minds—or groups of people, sheep, with weak minds. Mental illness is not evil.”
Dr. Bennett nodded, then lifted a cup of coffee to his lips and took a long drink. Not having had any coffee yet this morning, I nearly salivated at the sight.
“So,” he said, after setting his cup down. “What’s this I hear about you trying to climb a fence?”
A flash of Dimitri’s face smirking at me in the light of a nearby lamp made me shift in my chair.
I shoved the image away and took a deep breath. Of course, that was what this impromptu video chat was about. My late-night activities had been reported. Turns out there were strings attached to my last-minute acceptance at Beta Wolf.
There was no point holding back and, really, I didn’t want to. I needed somebody to talk to about the way I’d been feeling, about the desperate need I’d had last night to escape. What if the dreams kept coming and I needed to get out and run other nights? I needed a better system and people who understood.
“After class, yesterday,” I started, recalling the embarrassing episode I’d had and the hot guy who’d seen me through it. “I had a bit of a panic attack after being accidentally pushed into an elevator with a bunch of people.”
Dr. Bennett’s eyebrows winged up. “I thought the campus was supposed to be relatively empty during the summer.”
“So did I,” I said. “But it was like a swarm outside my classroom. I might as well have been picked up and carried along with the crowd.”
I swallowed, remembering the pressure that had rested on my chest. Another flash of memory filled my mind, but this time, it was of another guy. Lucian, with his knowing gaze and gentle hands.
I pulled in a deep breath. “But I got through it and the rest of the day, then—”
“Then you went to sleep, and he showed up.” He nodded. “You must’ve suspected you’d have a nightmare. You could’ve called, Lexi.”
“I know,” I said with a sigh, wishing I’d done that instead of just climbing into bed to sleep off my mental exhaustion. “But I didn’t, and it was a bad one. I was back in the darkness, in the room.”
He blew out a long breath.
“You couldn’t stay in your room,” he guessed, right the first time.
I nodded. “I had to get out. I just needed to get out and run but once I left my dorm, it wasn’t enough. I needed my wolf and the forest, but I wasn’t thinking straight, so I tried to climb over the back fence.” I screwed up my face and shrugged. “It was stupid. I think I might’ve broken my neck if I’d managed to try another time. Fortunately, for my neck, a guy showed up, another student, and offered me a leg up.”
Another gorgeous, intense, dark student with a touch that made me ache for more, even now.
“Dimitri Baskin,” Dr. Bennett said with a nod, as if he were familiar with my new acquaintance.
“Do you know him?” I asked, cocking my head to the side, interested in talking about Dimitri.
“No,” he confessed, shattering my hope. “But I know his type and he may not be the best person to incorporate into your social circle.”
I choked back a laugh that brought a frown to his face.
“You don’t think so?” he asked.
I swallowed the next laugh and widened my eyes, trying to look as innocent as possible and not give away the fact that I was more attracted to Dimitri, apparent bad boy of Beta Wolf Academy, than I’d ever been to anyone before in my life. Not that I’d had much experience with attraction, other than with Lucian.
Thinking of Lucian made my stomach flutter. I wanted to get to know him, to talk to him, and hold his hand. Based on the way my hormones had flared to life in his presence, I also wanted to jump him.
When had I become so obsessed with sex?
Lucian and Dimitri were both living, rent free, in my mind, taking up too much space when I should have been focusing on my classes and mental health. I couldn’t help it, though. There was just something about each of them that reacted with my previously dormant libido.
Lucian’s kindness and shared trauma response had stirred the romantic in me. He was sexy as hell, yeah, but there’d been intelligence and grief in his eyes, and I’d felt drawn to him.
Dimitri had stirred something entirely different in me. He was annoying as fuck, but it didn’t seem to matter. My skin had buzzed when he was near and when he’d touched me—I’d felt like one part of two magnets, drawn to him through a force beyond my control.
Sex was a completely natural part of life, especially for young wolves. Dr. Bennett had encouraged me to follow my instincts and try dating if and when I found myself attracted to someone.
Yet, somehow, I didn’t think confessing my insane attraction to two men I’d met only briefly, both in the same day, would make my shrink very happy.
So, I kept my secret. Something in me that wanted to treasure these feelings and keep them private for now held me back from sharing with Dr. Bennett. To distract the keen doctor, I confessed something else that had been bothering me.
“I didn’t expect it to be so exhausting,” I said, letting him see the naked truth of my confession. I raised my fingers to my mouth and chewed idly on one nail. “It’s like I’m behind a glass window, watching everyone else interact and talk in a completely normal way. They seemed so comfortable just being themselves and I’m stuck, outside, watching it like a play because I don’t know how to integrate and just be me.”
“And who exactly are you?” he asked, then took another sip of coffee.
I frowned and chewed on the inside of my cheek as I mulled it over. Who was I? Now there was a question.
“I don’t know.” I raised my gaze in defeat.
Dr. Bennett sighed. “Most people develop their identities during childhood and adolescence, but your life has been far from ordinary. You and the other girls are not like most people. You were deprived of real childhoods, not given the chance to explore who you are. In essence, this, right now—” He spread his hands. “This is your time of exploration. This is your time to figure out who you are.”
I opened my mouth then snapped it shut again, unsure of what to say. In all the sessions we’d had, I’d never realized that I had no idea who I was. I’d been pretending
to be someone or something appropriate, maybe a little adventurous, but I didn’t even know what that meant. I’d dyed my hair pink because I’d seen a girl in a magazine with pink hair and thought she looked cool. But that was normal, wasn’t it? Most people made decisions about their looks based on what they saw around them. I’d done something normal. A trickle of relief filtered through me.
“Do you think I’ll get better at it? Stop feeling like an outsider?” I held my breath and waited.
He smiled again and nodded.
“I think you’re already finding your way in the world, Lexi. You’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met.” He wagged a finger at me. “You know, it might help to put yourself out there and find a group of students who have similar interests to yours. You love literature and reading. Why don’t you seek out the English society? I know you’re taking a first-year English class. Your professor would know how to find them.”
I considered it silently, remembering the students in my English class. Most of them were there because it was a prerequisite for first year and they had to do it before moving on. There were a few, though, who were always prepared and participated every class.
“I could do that,” I said, promising myself it wasn’t just an empty reply. “I’m going to do that.”
“Good.” He glanced to his left, to where he kept a small clock on his desk and looked distracted for a moment. “Okay, Lexi, I have to run. I’ll see you again next week.” He smiled broadly and leaned in closer to the camera. “And Lexi, maybe you could keep your mind open to the prospect of finding friends or romantic interests. It would be good for you. I look forward to hearing about your experiences when we talk next. Bye, now.”
He clicked off.
I stared at the empty screen, hearing his last words of advice run through my mind. My lips quirked up as I recalled the faces of the not one but two guys I was currently lusting over.
Oh yeah, my mind was definitely open to the prospect of romantic interests. I just had to decide if I wanted intelligence and a deep soul or danger wrapped in a bad attitude.
