by Sarah Morgan
“You don’t need to stay there. We have plenty of room. I’ll call the pub and cancel your reservation.” Suzanne enveloped him with the same warmth and welcome that ensured that Café Craft was always bursting at the seams with people.
It hurt Hannah that it might not occur to Suzanne that this wasn’t what she wanted.
No one paid attention to what she wanted or needed. No one seemed to care. All they cared about was that she fitted into the way they saw the world. That her life was the way they wanted it to be.
Melly’s eyes were round with admiration. “Are you a prince?”
Adam laughed. “Now, why would you think that?”
“You’re very tall, and you have dark hair, and you look a bit like Prince Charming.”
“I hate to disappoint you, but I’m not a prince.”
“Are you Aunty Hannah’s boyfriend?”
Adam paused. “I’m her friend.”
Ruby stepped forward. “Did you fly in an airplane?”
“I did.”
“Did you see Bugsy?”
“Okay, I’ve got this—” Beth stepped forward and scooped Ruby up. “You girls should be in bed! Why are you up so late?”
“Because Daddy let us for a treat. He didn’t think you’d find out.”
“Traitor,” Jason muttered. “Come on, girls. Upstairs.”
“Will you read us another story?”
Hannah was feeling trapped and on the verge of panic. She was going through possible scenarios in her head—Tell Adam right away? Postpone telling him?—when Beth spoke.
“As a special treat, would you like Aunty Hannah to read you a story?”
Melly looked as if Christmas had come early. “Tonight? Yes!”
“Yes!” Ruby echoed. “As long as she does it with voices.”
Jason’s gaze flickered from Hannah to Adam. “But Hannah probably wants to—”
“It would be such a treat for the girls,” Beth said quickly. “I’m sure Adam won’t mind. There’s a fire in the living room and Dad has an exceptional bottle of single malt. We’ll entertain Adam while she reads to the children. Thank you, Hannah.” She made it sound as if Hannah would be doing her a huge favor and Hannah felt her throat thicken.
Beth wasn’t pushing her toward Adam. She was giving her the opportunity to gather her thoughts.
She turned to Adam. “Do you mind? Make yourself at home and I’ll be down as soon as I’ve settled the children.” She said it as if “settling the children” was something she did often, and the faint lift of his eyebrow was the only indication that he recognized an avoidance tactic when he saw one.
Adam was many things, but slow wasn’t one of them.
“Sure.” His voice was neutral. “I’m not a man to refuse the offer of a good single malt.”
Hannah followed the girls upstairs, only half listening to Ruby’s excited chatter.
Anticipating the conversation with Adam, and the interrogation from her family, didn’t encourage her to rush the story.
She slid off her shoes and lay on the bed next to Ruby while Melly snuggled into the other bed.
“What are we reading?”
She read long after Ruby had stopped reaching out to turn pages and point to the illustrations, and long after Melly’s eyes had drifted shut.
When she knew she couldn’t hide in the girls’ room any longer, she turned the light out and walked quietly to her own room. From downstairs she could hear the occasional rumble of conversation interspersed with laughter.
She was standing by the window trying to work out what to do, when there was a tap on the door.
Braced for a difficult conversation with Adam, she was surprised to see Stewart standing there.
“Can I come in?”
“Of course.” Hannah’s tension rose. She’d been rude, she knew that. She’d flouted all the house rules about hospitality and probably embarrassed them. It wasn’t the first time Christmas had been stressful, and it probably wouldn’t be the last, but that didn’t stop her feeling guilty at the part she’d played. “I was about to come downstairs.”
Stewart pulled out the chair by her desk and sat down. “You don’t have to do that.”
She felt a spasm of guilt. “I shouldn’t have come home. Suzanne always wants Christmas to be a happy time and I’ve ruined it. Is she very upset? Are you worried about her?” Why was it she could never be what people wanted her to be?
And now she’d even disappointed Stewart. Kind, rock-solid, unflappable Stewart.
“You haven’t ruined anything. And it’s not Suzanne I’m worried about, it’s you.”
“Me?”
“You’ve never brought a guy home before, and it’s pretty obvious to me that you didn’t invite Adam. And then there’s the fact that you arrived home early, and looking pretty miserable.”
The fact that she’d been so transparent was embarrassing, not just for herself but also for Adam.
“I didn’t expect him to show up here. I’m sure you have questions—” The situation was so awkward and uncomfortable.
“Only one question.” Stewart leaned forward. “What would you like me to do?”
“Do?”
“About Adam. It doesn’t matter to me why he is here, or who thought what. The only thing that matters to me is what you want.” He sat quietly for a moment, staring at his hands as if he didn’t quite know what he should be doing with them. “Whatever you’d like me to do, I’ll do it. I’ll fix it in whatever way you’d like it fixed. If you want him to leave, then say the word and I’ll deal with it. You don’t have to see him if you don’t want to. He can stay in the pub tonight and I’ll take him back to the airport tomorrow.”
“You don’t think I’m capable of handling this myself?”
“You’re more than capable of handling it, but I’m your dad and I’m offering to handle it for you. Everyone needs a little help once in a while. I’m offering mine, if you’d like it. Sometimes in life it’s okay to take the easy path. I can see this is tough for you, so let me protect you from it.”
Hannah was so touched that for a moment she couldn’t breathe.
There was an ache in her chest that grew and grew.
He’d come to her room not to lecture her on her manners, but to offer his protection.
She turned away quickly so he wouldn’t see the tears in her eyes. They scalded, welled up, threatened to spill.
I’m your dad.
“It’s complicated. I’ve been seeing him and—well, I’m pregnant.” She had no idea what possessed her to blurt it out like that, but if Stewart was surprised by that revelation, it didn’t show.
“How do you feel about that?”
She rubbed her arms, trying to warm herself. “Adam is the father, but I haven’t told him.”
“Is that why you came home early?”
“Yes. I guess you could say I panicked. I always have a plan, as you know, and this wasn’t part of my plan.” She leaned against the window, wishing she was braver. She should tell Adam straight out and ask him what he wanted to do, but their relationship was a new and fragile thing and she didn’t fully understand it. He said he loved her, but love, as she well knew, was unreliable. Like Christmas, it came with expectations. What if she couldn’t be what he wanted her to be? She liked things to be logical, and there was nothing logical about love.
“Do you love him, sweetheart?” The kindness in Stewart’s voice was a balm to her raw, exposed feelings.
“I don’t know. I think so, but I always thought it would be a happy feeling and in fact it’s just scary. I’m sure that sounds crazy to you.”
“Doesn’t sound crazy. Feelings are scary things.”
Hannah managed a smile. “You don’t find anything scary.”
“I find plenty of things scary.”
<
br /> She turned her head. “You climb vertical rock faces for a living.”
“Rocks you can see and touch and learn about. They’re tangible things, but feelings—” he shook his head “—they’re like the weather. They’re the part you can’t control. If you don’t care about anything, then you’re invulnerable, but once you care—well, you can be hurt. And people can disappoint and let you down.”
“I know. I’ve disappointed more people than I can count.” And she’d damaged her relationship with Posy again, just when it had felt they’d reached a new understanding. The thought depressed her more than she would have imagined possible. She’d actually enjoyed their brief moment of companionship. For a moment she’d seen a future where she and her sisters were closer. She’d started to think maybe she could handle it.
Stewart stood up and walked across to her. “You’ve never disappointed anyone, Hannah.”
She knew that wasn’t true.
“I’m never quite what people want me to be.” And she knew that most people didn’t see what lay beneath the surface. Except for Adam. Dancing pizza girl. “I like things I can be sure of. Numbers, facts, company growth—those are all things that seem logical to me. Those are things that behave in a way I can predict. Love, I don’t understand. It seems so random. You can’t measure it, and you can’t control it. You can love someone with all your heart, but that doesn’t mean they’re going to love you back. And that isn’t something you can work on, or try harder at—I know because I tried.” She felt Stewart’s hand on her shoulder, warm and comforting.
“I’m guessing it’s not Adam you’re talking about here, but your father.”
It didn’t surprise her that he understood. She knew there hadn’t been much love between Stewart and her biological dad. “I don’t think about it much. I don’t want you to think that. It’s just—”
“This time of year.” He rubbed her shoulder gently. “I know. It hits us all in one way or another. Wounds heal, but they still leave scars. And that conversation with Luke stirred it all up again.”
“I always regret that they died without giving me a chance to make them proud. Dad wanted me to be a certain way, and I wasn’t.”
“That’s not true. Your dad was proud of you, but he was a complicated character.” Stewart let his hand drop. “I’m no psychologist, but I suspect it was more that he didn’t know how to relate to you. All Rob knew was climbing. I doubt he ever read a book in his life. And you were so smart. Scarily smart. I remember Suzanne used to come home after she’d babysat you and she’d be full of stories of what you’d done. Hannah said this, Hannah is reading this.”
“I tried so hard to make him love me.”
“You wanted his love and approval. That’s a natural thing. This probably doesn’t help, but I’m sure he did love you even though he didn’t do a good job of showing it.” Stewart put his arm round her shoulders. “When you came to us, you were so wary. You never really let us get close.”
“I didn’t know how to behave. I didn’t know what to do. If my own parents didn’t love me, why would anyone else? Why would you? What was I to you but a burden?” She brushed the tears away from her cheeks with the palm of her hand and the next moment she was being folded against Stewart’s chest. She felt the softness of his sweater against her cheek and the security of his arms.
“You were never a burden. You were the best thing that happened to us.”
“How can you say that?” Her voice was muffled against his shoulder. “You and Suzanne never even got to have kids of your own because of us.”
“We had three beautiful girls.” He eased her away from him so that he could look at her. “You are my daughter. You’ve been my daughter from that first day Suzanne brought you to our apartment with your suitcase of books and a terrified look on your face.”
“This is embarrassing.” Hannah sniffed. “I’m too old to be crying on your shoulder.”
“You’re never too old to cry on your dad’s shoulder, although I have to admit I hate to see you cry.” He wiped her cheek with his thumb. “We probably should have had this conversation twenty years ago, but I think we’ve both spent enough time thinking about the past, so let’s just make sure we get it right from here. I’ve never had to beat up one of your boyfriends before. Not sure I know how, but I’m willing to give it a go if you’d like me to.”
She gave him a watery smile. “He’s stronger than he looks.”
“He looks pretty strong, but I have muscles. Your mother married me for my muscles. And my good looks and charm.” Stewart gave her a squeeze and then let her go. “What do you want to do, sweetheart?”
“I don’t know. I wanted time to think about this and work out how to handle it. I wanted to plan.”
“Maybe the two of you could work it out together. For what it’s worth, I like the fact that he came here in person.”
She found a tissue and blew her nose. “You don’t think that makes him a stalker?”
“I think it makes him a man who doesn’t give up easily, and who cares enough to make an effort. And maybe also a man who knows you better than you think.”
“He knows me pretty well.” She scrunched the tissue into a ball. “He says he loves me.”
“I suspect a man like Adam says what he means. Doesn’t strike me as the type to play games.”
“I believe he thinks he does, but love isn’t reliable. Love breaks down all the time, doesn’t it? People are happy one minute and divorced the next. It’s the most unpredictable, unreliable emotion.”
“Sometimes things go wrong, that’s true, but often they go right. Suzanne and I have been together for a long time.”
“That’s different. You’re perfect together.”
“We’re not perfect and we’ve had our difficult moments, like any couple, but I don’t think a relationship has to be all roses and kisses to be love. At least I hope it doesn’t.” He scratched his jaw. “Good job Suzanne can’t hear me say this, because she’d roll her eyes. Come to think of it I don’t think I’ve ever bought her roses, although I’ve done all right with the kisses.”
It made her smile. “You stood by her side when she became guardian to three kids. You were right there for her, even though you didn’t have to be. You weren’t even married. You could have walked away.” It still amazed her that he hadn’t.
“I wanted to be with Suzanne. Getting you was a bonus, but if she’d inherited a zoo, I would still have been there.”
Hannah had a lump in her throat. “I’m no expert, but I’m guessing that means more than roses.”
“I’m no expert, either, but it seems to me that a man doesn’t travel that far to see a woman unless his feelings are strong. Of course, you’d be better off talking to Suzanne or one of your sisters about this. Or you could talk to Adam. That seems to make the most sense. If you’d like to do that, I’ll send him up. If not, I’ll send him away.”
“Don’t send him away.” He’d come all this way, the least she owed him was a conversation.
“If you change your mind, I’ll be downstairs.”
She stopped him when he reached the door. “Stewart? Is Suzanne okay after that conversation with Luke?”
“Better than okay. It was unexpected, but life is full of the unexpected and it did her good to finally talk about it. I’ve never been sure that her determination never to discuss it was a good thing.” He paused, his hand on the door. “We’re pleased you came home. It’s the best Christmas gift you could have given us. I’m going to send Adam up now.”
Hannah wondered if she had time to rush to the bathroom and wash her face, but already she could hear male voices at the bottom of the stairs and the sound of Adam’s firm tread.
Aware that he didn’t know which room was hers, she walked to the door.
Their eyes met.
She felt that little shock of elec
tricity that she always felt when Adam was near. It was a reminder that she wasn’t quite in control of everything, and it unsettled her.
She couldn’t believe he was actually here, in the wilds of Scotland.
He walked into the room and closed the door behind him, firmly, as if he wanted to make sure that whatever they said to each other remained private.
“I owe you an apology.”
It was the last thing she expected him to say.
Surely, she was the one who owed him an apology. “I didn’t expect to see you. I didn’t expect you to come.”
He gave a half smile. “We were in the middle of a chess game, and it was your move. I’m a completer finisher.”
Despite everything, it made her smile. “You came all this way for me to beat you?”
“What can I say? I’m also a masochist.”
Her smile faded. “I was rude.”
“No.” He walked across to her but kept his hands in his pockets. He didn’t hug her or touch her. “I don’t know what possessed me to fly here without calling first. I’m not normally so impulsive. Or insensitive.”
“Posy possessed you. She suggested it.”
He shook his head. “Don’t blame her. I was the one who acted on the suggestion.”
“You told her about the pizza and the dancing.”
He rubbed his fingers across his forehead. “She answered the phone. I assumed it was you because I’ve never known you to be separated from your phone. I was halfway through the conversation before I realized it wasn’t you on the other end. It’s my fault, not hers. And I should have asked you before I flew over here, but I was afraid that if I called you, you’d stop me and I badly wanted to see you.”
“Why?”
“Because I missed you.” This time he did touch her, but gently. Tentatively. He smoothed her hair back from her face and studied her. “Have you been crying? Dammit, Hannah!” He let his hands drop and stepped back. “I’ve never seen you cry. I don’t ever want to make you cry.”
“I’m not crying.”
“Don’t lie to me. I’ll leave, right now. Just promise me you’ll stop crying.”
