by Blair Aaron
“Look,” Carter said, putting his hand on Stetson's massive shoulder. “I like you. It's okay. You don't have to be afraid. This is our business, nobody else's.”
It occurred to Carter that maybe Stetson suffered from a loneliness he couldn't escape with women. Ultimately no one truly knows why they do the things they do, and Carter wasn't willing to dig too deeply for fear it would ruin the moment. Whatever it was that made Stetson accept his advances, Carter wasn't complaining. He wanted more.
He put his face close to Stetson, and he could smell in one strong breath the wildness of the forest in which Stetson hunted, the muskiness of the rain he's worked shirtless in during summers in the mountains to build a house for his ailing father, and the free air that blew across Stetson when he rode horseback to fuck his girlfriend for the first time on a camping trip. Carter placed his lips on Stetson's neck and he could feel the thumping of his heart in his chest, a strong, hardy beat you would find only from the best stock. Carter felt the chaotic energy coiled up inside Stetson's body, ready to explode at any moment. It was the most erotic moment of his life.
He rubbed his face against Stetson's, who let him, giving Carter no indication he wanted him to stop. He tasted his lips and then chin and then his suprasternal notch. The deep and strong collarbone lay a few millimeters underneath the soft, smooth skin.
Suddenly Stetson exploded with a fiery passion Carter surely didn't expect. He grabbed Carter by the chest and lay him down on the bed, groping his hands over his waist, while making out with Carter. He put his tongue in Carter's mouth, sliding it down into his throat, filling him up for a moment. Carter enjoyed the fullness. But he wanted Stetson inside him.
After a few seconds of making out, it seemed to Carter like Stetson didn't know what to do next. Carter wanted Stetson inside of him badly but didn't know how to approach the idea of anal sex. For the second time, he stifled his fear about how this guy would react to him and just took off his pants and got on all fours, presenting him to the guy for the taking. Carter faced away from Stetson for a few seconds and wouldn't dare turn around for fear of how the cowboy would react. He prayed to get the reaction he expected. Then he heard the sound a belt unbuckling and pants slipping onto the floor. The bed shook a little as Stetson got on the bed, and Carter's heartbeat sped up even more. Suddenly he could feel the thickness of Stetson's cock around the rim of his ass, tickling him ever so slightly. He heard Stetson spit and suddenly, too suddenly, he felt an immense pressure and pain as Stetson entered him. He never had a chance to see the size of Stetson's member before they began having intercourse, but if the physical sensation was any indication, it was massive.
The sex was painful, no lie, but after a while things got immensely better. He could feel the hardness of Stetson's muscles on his back as the cowboy kept pumping away. Carter felt for the first time in over a year that same pleasing wholeness and contentedness he felt with Maddox. But how could keep this going with Stetson?
Carter wanted to see him, look him in the eye, as they made love.
“Hang on,” Carter said under his breath.
Stetson stopped and pulled out of him. Carter flipped himself around and saw for the first time the man naked in his fully glory. His thighs were thick as tree trunks with hair in all the places. His waist was small but not overly so, and surprisingly, his knees were without a doubt the most beautiful part of his body, next to his hands. Stetson seemed a little embarrassed by Carter's eyes roaming over his body.
He leaned forward and lay on top of Carter, kissing his cheek and ear area. Carter wrapped his legs around him as Stetson re-entered him. He was pumping away. He grunted in Carter's ear as he orgasmed. The sounds of his deep voice in the heat of passion were more than enough for Carter to come not a few seconds after.
Stetson lay on top of Carter for a silent second before the sound the bedroom door opened. They both looked up to find to see Jaylon standing there in disbelief.
“Dear God a'mighty in heaven,” Jaylon said.
Riding the Stallion
I
Jaylon Simmons stood in the doorway of his cabin home, his eyes burning with fear and shock at the sight of his kid brother lying naked under the hulk of the manliest man Jaylon had ever met, Stetson Carthswaite. Never before in any life he had or could imagine having, would ever think this was something he would experience in real life. There were so many thoughts running through his mind, fluttering and clicking along like a schizophrenic television. He was processing so many impossible and incomprehensible things. He wondered in one instant if his brother had drugged Stetson with some kind of sexual charger to get Stetson to fuck him. In another instant, he wondered if Stetson was a closeted homosexual who had made Carter give into his advances. All these, and more, raced through Jaylon's head in what seemed like years, but were actually just a few seconds, as he stood in that doorway. Jaylon didn't immediately remember how he got from that doorway to his truck, but later on, he would recall simply closing the door and walking away politely, as if he'd interrupted by accident one of them while they were using the restroom.
In any case, before he knew it, he was driving down the road, along the mountain, the elements spilling into his '67 Corvette. Calling the situation traumatic might be an overstatement, but there was definitely something undoubtedly shocking about finding Carter having sex with Stetson, and in his heady numbness, the wind, sunlight, and smell of recent rain took over Jaylon's senses.
His Corvette stood out among the junkers in the town square. He parked the car diagonally from the angel fountain and sat at the steering wheel for a silent moment, collecting his thoughts. He decided he was going to put the issue in the back of his mind, because he did after all have to get a new backlight before a cop pulled him over and gave him a ticket.
Inside the auto shop across the street, he noticed a dark-headed guy with green eyes standing at the counter.
“Excuse me, young man; I'm looking for windshield wipers. Do you know the best brand?” A rotund, white haired grandpa was standing at the counter with his three-year-old grandchild, holding his hand.
Jaidon Marsh looked up from the computer, his brow crinkled as he scanned the computer monitor for something. The grandfather figure was about to say something else as he waited for a response from Jaidon. His grandson fiddled with the toy ball machine below.
“Sure,” Jaidon said. “Just give me a minute, sir.” He clicked a few things on the computer, looked at his watch, and walked around the counter in a hurry. “Right this way,” he said. The grandfather and grandson followed after before they lost him.
Jaylon stood on the next aisle looking for latex gloves to keep his oily fingers from touching the bulb. This was the reason his original bulb went out so soon, and he wasn't about to make the same mistake. He looked up and down the aisle for the right brand, but couldn't find one he trusted. He stepped over one aisle and saw Jaidon waving away the grandfather as another clerk checked them out. Jaidon walked toward the back of the aisle, his eyes blank as he slapped his breast pockets for a cigarette.
“Good afternoon,” Jaylon said. “I was wondering if you could help me find the right brand of brake light. Mine's out and I don't trust the regular brands.”
“Okay,” Jaidon said. You could tell he was pissed he had been caught lying down on the job. Jaylon noticed the guy's fingers were grimy with dirt and oil.
“You must work a lot on cars,” Jaylon said.
“What?”
“Your fingers. You like Corvettes?”
“Hell yes.”
“I got one parked outside. You should come look. I just refinished the front end and interior.”
“Fuck yeah man. Let's go,” Jaidon said. “Oh wait,” he stopped, “let's get that brake light first.”
“Sure thing,” Jaylon said.
After checking out, Jaylon showed the guy the ride he'd worked so hard on. They talked for a while about cars and then girls. Jaidon seemed like a very angry young guy, and
as intolerant as he was with those he could not understand, he was that much more faithful to those whom he could understand. Jaylon it was clear belonged to the latter category, after the first twenty or so minutes of talking to him.
“Man we should hang out. I can't find nobody around here who hates all those niggers and queers as much as I do.”
The two guys had hit it off, finding a common thread of hatred for homosexuals. What Jaidon didn't know is that his new friend's hatred stemmed from a recent revelation about his brother.
“I left my god damn family as soon as I turned 18, because they were heading in the wrong direction. I don't want nothing to do with them,” Jaylon said. “They took the wrong road, man. I guess the travelling circus works on your mind after a while.”
Jaidon laughed. “I guess so.”
“You know I haven't even told you my name. It's Jaylon.”
“Mine's Jaidon.”
“We're almost twins, man,” Jaylon joked. But Jaidon just stared at him blankly. “You can call me Jamie, though, for short.”
Jaidon smiled. “Cool.” There was an awkward moment between the two of them.
“Why are you wearing a cast?” Jaylon asked.
“Some fucking guy I got into a fight with. He was a big bastard lemme tell ya. If I could get that fucker, I would, don't you think I'm a liar.”
Jaylon's interest was piqued. “What did he look like?”
“Tall. Blonde. Big cowboy. Didn't say much except that he'd try to kill me if I messed with his little faggot boyfriend again.”
“Boyfriend?”
“Yeah there was another queer he was trying to protect. I socked it to his friend a year earlier, too, haha. Maddox was his name, he used to be my best friend, but I guess he found a new one with that little fucker. Anyway, everyone thinks we got into a fight and I stabbed him by accident. But between you and me, it wasn't no accident. Fucker had it coming.”
The story Carter had told Jaylon about why he left the family circus did involve a close-friend of his dying. And there was no mistaking a big blond cowboy like Stetson. He was sure Jaidon was referring to the same people.
“Man I agree with ya,” said Jaylon. “I really, really hate fags.”
II
When Jaylon Simmons, known casually as Jamie, interrupted Stetson's first time with a boy, Stetson himself thought he surely was dreaming. All his life, even as a toddler, he'd liked girls. First it was their bodies, their tits and asses and legs and parts. But then Stetson grew up and found other, more subtle parts of them he loved, like their daintiness, their petite bodies, soft voices, gentle natures. Girls were God's gift to men, he was sure, so it was a paradox that he had on a whim had sex with a boy.
But it wasn't just that he'd made love with a person of the same sex. He would never admit this to himself, but there were feelings blossoming like a poisonous flower in Stetson's heart, directed at this kid whom he had known for only two weeks. The heart has its reasons that anyone's mind cannot understand, let alone Stetson's. He had never been someone who understood why he did the things he did. He was a man of action, and he just knew how he felt. But this was different from Lee Ann, and he denied the feelings were there at all.
He looked down at Carter for a second. Stetson's steel blue eyes peered into Carter's soul it seemed. Then Stetson picked up his own weight under his thick arms and rolled off him without saying a word. He bent down, naked in the room, grabbed his jeans, shoes, and socks, as he slammed the door shut to his bedroom. Carter heard Stetson say under his breath as he got up: “I ain't no queer. Get away from me.” Then the shower made muffled sounds from Stetson's room.
Almost immediately Carter's heart started racing again. He could feel a pang in his chest at the thought of the future, what his older brother would say about his obvious sexual orientation, whether his family would protect him, what dangers being out in a rural part of the country would pose, but above all, what was going to happen to him and Stetson. They had shared the briefest moments of warmth, giving Carter some relief from that aching sadness which accompanied Maddox's death. The irony was that, despite the momentary release from the sorrow of losing his only true love, the pain of being kicked back out of the warmth of a new relationship and subsequently the memory of an old one was far more painful that never having met Stetson to begin with. Carter's heart couldn't bear it, over and above all the prejudice and annoyances he'd surely endure as a result of being outed by his older brother. Nothing compared to the pain of being alone, except of course remembering what it felt like to have company from someone who loved you and then losing it all over again.
Carter got up from the bed, his legs sore from the sex. He put his underwear on and looked in the mirror. His body was long and thin, not too thin for worry, but without muscle to make him look adult. He had a teenager's body. For a second his gaze locked on his reflection, so pathetic, so sad, so lonely, and then this reverie was abruptly broken by the sound of the front door closing. A jolt of fear shot through Carter as he wondered if Jamie was back and whether he was going to kick him out for having sex with his roommate. He ran to the window to see if Jamie's truck was in the front yard. Instead he saw a bareheaded blonde man walking toward Stetson's blue truck, and Carter looked around the room in confusion. Stetson's hat still sat on the lampshade, and Carter realized that the blonde man was Stetson himself. That Stetson would leave without his cowboy hat was reason enough by itself to wonder if everything was all right with him. Carter did worry about him, because the man seemed to be very out of touch with his feelings. Carter thought back to what Stetson said before they made love, that he had been burned before and didn't want to “go through all that again.” Stetson must have been through a recent heartbreak, and with the new experience with gay feelings, Carter longed to help Stetson. He felt the same tug in his heart as Stetson blue truck faded into the distance along the road leading out of the driveway of the cabin, the same tug he felt when Maddox left him for the first time, a feeling as helpless and vulnerable as it was indescribable to another person. It made Carter feel all the more alone and at the same time resolve to save Stetson from whatever confusion he was enduring.
To take his mind off his life's most recent complications, Carter went to the shower to clean off. He turned the hot water on as it spilled into the bathtub with a metallic roar. As he changed the faucet to a shower, he thought he heard some glass breaking outside the door. Thinking it was just his imagination under stress, Carter ignored it and jumped behind the beige curtain and sat down to relax.
But then, a louder sound almost broke through the shower wall. Carter screamed out loud.
III
Stetson drove his truck through the woods on the mountain, his mind and heart in turmoil. Whatever it was that had taken over his mind and made him fuck that boy was never going to happen again, that much he was sure of. Stetson figured there was something about Carter that had reminded him of Lee Ann. The alcohol, mixed with Lee Ann's memory, combined just at the right time to make Stetson do it with Carter. That was the explanation, he was sure. He thought about Lee Ann and all the love he'd invested in their relationship. The feeling of her betrayal was something he still could not bear to think about for too long. Even though he told Jaylon on his cell at the time that he would murder Brock, the real reason he called his best friend at that moment had more to do with fear. He knew he would never be able to forgive Lee Ann, just as if he would never be able to forgive his father for missing all his rodeo tournaments. Stetson was not a forgiving person.
But at the same time, he would always love the girl, despite her mistakes. He couldn't help that, and maybe that was the reason he had been so careful about getting close to her. To love someone meant he had the power to hurt you with almost no effort. It was a trap Stetson could not get out of: living without the miraculous feeling of connection he'd had, even if only on occasion and even if it had been accompanied with near constant pain and misery, with Lee Ann was not something he co
uld bear. At the same time, he could not bear the shallow, hollow feeling of floating through life un-tethered to any other human being. There was no winning.
He had forgotten just exactly where he was going at the very moment he pulled into Lee Ann's driveway. He knew the house her father had bought her to live in, while Stetson dumped her. He tried ignoring the probable fact that Lee Ann had spewed a load of shit to her family about the way Stetson treated her. At this moment, he wanted nothing more to taste his ex-girlfriend. He wanted inside her, he tried to convince himself, as he got out of his blue truck, hoping he would not have to break up some social gathering Lee Ann might be having. It was 7 o'clock on a Thursday, and Stetson figured that, even though he didn't plan to pull into her driveway tonight, her place was as good as any. He wanted whatever would take him away from today's rather confusing events.
He raised his giant paw to bang on her door, but the door opened just as his fist came down on the wood. Lee Ann stood there.
“I knew it,” she said. She was wearing her nightgown, a pink polka dot silk top over an off-white bottom. Stetson thought he could smell the faint smell of alcohol. But in that moment he didn't care, he wanted away from the memories of Carter as fast as he could. He'd run, he thought. He'd run as far and fast as he could into his ex's arms. There, he wouldn't care, because they cannot hurt you if you do not care.
He grabbed her by the waist and carried through the hallway, dark at this point. The front door stayed open, and he could see into the bedroom the soft orange light of dusk bathing Lee Ann's bed. He tried not to notice the pair of men's jeans hanging off the doorknob or the male underwear beside her bed. She was single, he told himself. She stayed single, because they needed each other, and she knew that.
