by Jana DeLeon
“You know Alexander?”
“Everyone who’s provided evidence for a federal trial knows Alexander. His reputation kinda precedes him.”
“Yeah. He was definitely the best. And I wouldn’t have anything less for Ally.”
“You know that isn’t necessary, right?”
“I know she didn’t kill anyone, and I’m certain you do as well. But evidence is evidence, and I don’t want someone here making a stink about favoritism and getting you kicked off the job. I also don’t want an ADA with a ladder-climbing agenda thinking he can get a quick conviction and push himself up a rung. You following procedure to the letter of the law keeps the first from happening. Alexander is insurance against the second.”
He didn’t like it. Heck, neither did I. The entire mess stank to high heaven. But he couldn’t argue with my logic. My way was the only way to cover all our bases. Even if it pissed off a lot of people.
“Okay,” he finally agreed. “But did Myrtle have to call my mother?”
“You’ll have to take that up with Myrtle. I don’t have any dog in the whole Southern-mother hunt. It’s a world I know nothing about and looks more dangerous than Iraq.”
His lips quivered just a bit. “That’s true. I guess I better get this over with. I assume your attorney is here to address your situation as well?”
“Of course.”
“You know, you didn’t have to damage my truck.”
“Sure I did. It was the only way to be tossed into the clink with legit paperwork. But you don’t have to press charges.”
He tilted his head to one side. “And what if I decide I want to? You haven’t exactly spent the summer making my job easy.”
I pulled the stick of dynamite and matches out of my pants and placed them on his desk. “I could have made your job a lot worse last night.”
He grabbed the dynamite and stared at it for a couple seconds. “Gertie?”
“Who else? But when she asks, you better tell her you found and confiscated it because that’s what I plan on doing. She probably sat up half the night waiting for an explosion.”
“I’m sure it’s safer in here than in her house.”
“Her purse. She usually carries some in her purse. It’s why Ida Belle and I don’t allow her around anything likely to create a spark.”
He gave me a pained look. “Maybe we should just make a pact that when it comes to Ida Belle and Gertie, I don’t ask things that might lead to answers I need to do something about in a law enforcement capacity. And you don’t offer me any information in that regard.”
“And when you’re too nosy to skip the questioning?”
“Lie.”
I stared. “You’re telling me to lie to you.”
“I’m begging you to, actually. It might be the only way this relationship has a chance.”
I shrugged. “It’s a little hard to take you seriously on that one, so I’m just going to chalk it up to lack of sleep talking.”
He sighed. “Does that mean you’re not going to lie?”
“Who, me?” I smiled.
He rose from his desk and was still shaking his head when he left the office. Figuring I had some time to kill, I headed into the break room and brewed a pot of coffee. I was just having my first cup when I heard Gertie raising hell at the front desk. I walked down the hall and saw Deputy Breaux looking extremely uncomfortable as he attempted to explain why Gertie and Ida Belle could not “just visit” me in jail.
“It’s cool,” I said, and Deputy Breaux whipped around, eyes wide. I had a moment of panic when he made a move for his gun, but then he changed his mind and went for the handcuffs.
“Relax,” I said. “Carter let us out. Our attorney is here. He’s taking care of Ally’s interview first, then we’ll settle up after.”
Deputy Breaux didn’t look convinced. “If I let you get away, Carter will kill me.”
“First off, I’m not going anywhere. Second, trust me, Carter would not hold you responsible if I got away. He’d be far more surprised if you managed to keep me somewhere I didn’t want to be. We’re going to move this party to the break room and wait for Carter to finish up with Ally. If you need us, we’ll be just down the hall.”
I motioned to Ida Belle and Gertie and we headed off, leaving Deputy Breaux standing there staring after us. At least he knew when he’d been completely and utterly defeated. And he didn’t even know about the whole CIA thing yet. Wait until he found that out. He’d probably cross the street when he saw me coming.
“For a minute,” Ida Belle said, “I thought he was going to shoot you.”
“He could have tried,” I said as Ida Belle and I sat at the break room table.
Gertie laughed and poured her and Ida Belle a cup of coffee before taking a seat. “Would have been funny to see, but probably not a great outcome for our young deputy.”
“I’m really trying to start off on the right foot here,” I said. “I’ve already assaulted a vehicle being used in the commission of police business. I’d prefer not to assault an actual law enforcement officer.”
Gertie grinned. “Not according to Myrtle. She said you threatened to kick something pertinent if Carter didn’t lock you up with Ally.”
“Yeah, well, that was different. It was Ally.”
Ida Belle gave me an approving nod. “Some people bring out the mama bear in us. Who’s the attorney you brought in?”
“A former federal prosecutor,” I said. “Retired now, but happy to do me a favor. I’ve provided, uh, evidence for him a time or two.”
“Is he any good?” Gertie asked.
“His nickname was the Grim Reaper.”
“Nice,” Gertie said. “At least that technicality is covered. You’ll both be released.”
“But not off the hook,” Ida Belle said.
Gertie waved a hand in dismissal. “No one believes Ally killed Hooch.”
“You might be surprised,” Ida Belle said. “And even if there’s not enough evidence to pursue a case against Ally, until the killer is caught, she has that black cloud following her around. Look how people treated Marie all those years.”
Marie was one of Ida Belle and Gertie’s closest friends and had long been suspected of killing her missing husband. My first day in Sinful, the dog Sandy-Sue had inherited uncovered one of his bones in my backyard, which was how I’d gotten involved with Ida Belle and Gertie.
“And Ally’s trying to start her own business,” I said. “She can’t afford to have a ‘might be a killer’ tag following her around. Especially when it was poisoned food that killed him.”
Gertie frowned. “When you put it that way, I can see where it might be a problem.”
“No might about it,” Ida Belle said. “If the real killer isn’t caught and convicted, Ally will have to leave Sinful if she ever has a hope of opening a business.”
I felt my back tighten at Ida Belle’s words. I’d only been in Sinful a couple months when I was faced with the possibility of leaving, maybe forever. It had made me sick to my stomach. I couldn’t imagine what it would do to Ally, who’d lived here practically her entire life.
“We’re not going to let that happen,” I said.
Gertie clapped her hands. “A new case!”
Alexander wrapped up things with Carter quickly and an hour later, Ally and I were on our way out the door, ready for a hot shower and a soft bed. Unfortunately, a welcoming committee awaited us outside at Ida Belle’s SUV with Public Enemy Number One, Celia Arceneaux, leading the charge.
She stood, hands on hips, in front of her pack of foolish followers, wearing a yellow dress with bright blue horizontal stripes and the most ridiculous floppy yellow hat I’d ever seen. It was the size of a sombrero and had pink daisies glued around it. The entire outfit was capped off with black-and-white tennis shoes. Fashion certainly wasn’t my thing, but I had to wonder if Celia even owned a mirror.
Deputy Breaux had escorted us out of the sheriff’s department, but he took one l
ook at Celia and her mob of angry Catholic women and dashed back inside, probably to yell for Carter. I couldn’t really blame him. If Celia didn’t force me to interact with her, I’d pawn her off on someone else too.
I stepped in front of the angry mob. “What now?”
Celia stiffened and glared at me. “Like you don’t know. Ever since you came to town, there’s been nothing but trouble here.”
“Not on my accord,” I said. “You people managed to build this Peyton Place long before I showed up.”
A blush swept up Celia’s face. “Well, my niece wasn’t part of any nonsense until she took pity on you and became your friend. I hope you’re back here to sign off on a sale of that house. This town has put up with your Yankee crap for far too long.”
Ally stepped forward and I could tell she was exhausted but ready to tear into her aunt. Given how she’d spent the last twelve hours, my money was on Ally. But despite the fact that Celia was a huge bitch, she was still Ally’s aunt, and I didn’t need her causing a fray with family over me. Especially over me. I was more than qualified to stand up for myself.
So I placed a hand on her shoulder and shook my head. She must have understood what I was about to do, because she simply smiled and waved a hand as if directing me to proceed.
“Wait a minute!” Gertie shouted. “I want to record this.”
“Good,” Celia said. “Then I can use it as evidence if this hussy puts her hands on me.”
“If Fortune put her hands on you for real,” Ida Belle said, “you wouldn’t be alive to subpoena that video.”
Celia shot Ida Belle a look that said, ‘try me.’ Ida Belle gave me a thumbs-up. I will admit that I had a split second of temptation, but it passed. I wasn’t really into fights that weren’t a challenge, and Celia would be even less of a challenge than Carter’s truck mirror.
“As it happens,” I said, “I don’t have to put my hands on you to do harm. Talking will be enough. You’re absolutely right that I’m back in town to sign off on the sale of the house. But I’m the buyer, not the seller. You see, I’m not Sandy-Sue Morrow. The real Sandy-Sue is back in Yankee land, handing out books to kids, and she was more than happy to sell me all of Marge’s property.”
A hush fell over the crowd as they stared at me, their looks a mixture of confusion and disbelief. Except for Celia. She wore a look of triumphant self-righteousness.
“I knew you were a fraud!” Celia shouted. “Does Sandy-Sue know you impersonated her and smeared her good name? Is she aware of all the trouble you’ve caused and the harm you’ve done to her family’s reputation?”
“Sandy-Sue knew about me from the beginning and spent a lovely all-expenses-paid summer in Europe in exchange for letting me take her place here.”
“Why would she do that?” asked Dorothy, Celia’s cousin and number-one yes-woman.
I glanced over at Ida Belle and Gertie, who were both grinning. This was the moment they’d been waiting for. I looked at Ally, who mouthed “do it.”
I turned back to Celia and Dorothy. “She did it as a favor to her uncle, who was also my boss. I needed a place to lie low and he thought Sinful would be perfect.”
“I knew it,” Celia said, looking smug. “You’re a criminal. Only criminals need to hide.”
“Not just criminals,” I said. “My name is Fortune Redding. Former CIA agent, Fortune Redding.”
Chapter Nine
Celia stared at me for a couple seconds, then let out a single guffaw. “Like anyone would believe that. I don’t know what you’re trying to pull now, but you’re not going to get away with it.”
“Oh, for Christ’s sake,” Ally said, “she’s not trying to pull anything. She’s telling you the truth. A bad guy was after her, she was hiding here, that’s all over and now she’s resigned from the CIA and plans to live in Sinful. Are we all caught up?”
Celia gave Ally a disapproving look. “I promised your mother I’d look after you, but it’s impossible to keep you on the straight and narrow.”
“Unlike your own daughter, right?” Ally asked.
Celia gasped. Her daughter Pansy had been a first-class blackmailer and an even bigger floozy and had ended up murdered over her chosen profession. After her murder, all sorts of sordid information about Pansy had surfaced, much to Celia’s dismay. I had to give Ally credit—she’d hit Celia low and hard.
But instead of Celia striking back at Ally, she turned her ire to me, which I kinda expected.
“This is all your fault,” Celia said. “You’ve corrupted my niece and ruined this town with your lies, and I won’t stand for it another minute.” She took a step closer to me and poked me in the chest with her finger. “You need to leave now. I don’t know who you are or what kind of scam you’re running, but it’s over. This is my last warning.”
Somehow I knew it was going to come to this—my having to offer up evidence before some believed what I was saying. But since I’d run out of my house without my ID and then been arrested, I didn’t have anything to prove who I was and where I was once employed. So I did the next best thing.
I took one step back, then leaped straight up in the air and executed a perfect flare kick, knocking Celia’s ridiculous hat right off her head. I caught the hat on my way down, then landed with my right hand less than an inch from Celia’s temple.
Everyone surrounding Celia took a step back, and I heard a gasp from behind me as Deputy Breaux ran forward. Celia’s face paled and her hands shook as I handed her the hat.
“Any other questions?” I asked.
“This woman assaulted me,” Celia told Deputy Breaux. “I want her arrested.”
Deputy Breaux had been staring at me in disbelief ever since he’d slid to a stop next to me. He looked back and forth between Celia and me, and it was clear Celia was about to come out on the losing end of the deputy’s threat assessment.
“I saw you touch her first,” Deputy Breaux said to Celia. He turned to me. “Would you like to press charges against Ms. Arceneaux?”
“Not unless it’s a crime to wear that hat,” I said.
“Only on Labor Day,” Gertie said.
“No one is going to be arrested.” Carter’s voice sounded behind me. “I would have preferred this information circulate through church and texts, like regular gossip, but since Ms. Redding has seen fit to make a public announcement, I’m going to vouch for her words and her credentials. If anyone would like to verify her status, you can contact CIA Director Morrow. Given the unusual circumstances created by Fortune’s stay here and her decision to remain after resigning from her position with the CIA, he’s expecting phone calls. I have a number available for Director Morrow for anyone who thinks I’m also a liar.”
The crowd’s looks of surprise shifted into shock with a hint of fear. Good. I had them right where I wanted them.
“Anyone else got a hat they’d like me to kick?” I asked. “I can do this all day.”
“I don’t think that will be necessary,” Carter said. “Now, unless you all want to be arrested for causing a public disturbance, I suggest you go about your business and let our newest resident go about hers.” He looked at Celia. “You might as well start getting used to the idea, because reality is not going to change.”
“We’ll just see about that,” Celia said, then whirled around and stomped away. Dorothy gave me one last lingering look, then hurried after Celia.
“Show’s over!” Carter yelled.
The crowd of women all gave me one last suspicious look, and Deputy Breaux took a step back when I turned around.
“I could have handled it,” I said.
“Yeah,” Carter said. “I see how you were handling it. I didn’t want to have to bother the paramedics.”
I shrugged. “Some people need more than words.”
“Ha!” Gertie said. “Celia needs therapy.”
“Celia needs an exorcism,” Ida Belle corrected.
I looked at Carter. “Would you like to arrest me for assault
ing her hat?”
Carter sighed. “Just go home. And try not to offend anyone between here and there.”
“Impossible,” I said. “My presence alone offends some of the good citizens of Sinful.”
“Fine, then don’t touch any of them or their hats on the way home.” Carter turned around and headed back into the sheriff’s department.
Deputy Breaux looked at me as if he wanted to say something but was slightly afraid. Finally, curiosity won out. “Was that the truth?” he asked. “You were really a CIA agent?”
I nodded and his eyes widened.
“Like James Bond and stuff?” he asked, showing a bit of excitement.
“Well, that’s a different country, but it’s the same idea.”
“That’s so awesome. I mean, you’re like a superhero or something.”
“Or something,” I agreed. I was sorta liking all the superhero references.
He nodded. “Do you think you could teach me some stuff? I mean, that kick you did with the hat was just like Bruce Lee. If I knew a move like that, it would help me with my job.”
“You gonna use that move on some poachers?” Gertie asked. “Or just unruly old women with funny hats?”
Deputy Breaux frowned. “No. I would never kick a lady, not even in her hat.”
“Celia is not a lady,” Gertie said.
“But she’s a woman,” Deputy Breaux said.
“Or a demon,” Gertie grumbled.
“Anyway,” Deputy Breaux said, “I was thinking more about the drunks at the Swamp Bar. We mostly stay out of things down there, but if we get a call, we can’t ignore it. And the crowd there is a bit unruly.”
“The crowd there is a bunch of redneck thugs,” Ida Belle said. “But I think kicking off their hats might set you up for bigger problems.”
“I don’t mean kicking hats, specifically,” Deputy Breaux explained. “I just meant if Fortune taught me some of those martial arts moves, it might help me when I’m trying to get someone drunk under control.”
