The glass shimmered under the sun, sparkling bright. The porch spanned the entire width of the house, a comfy porch swing in at end. The treated wood gleamed a soft mellow golden brown. Birds sang and called from tall graceful oaks. Toward the back, he caught a glimpse of sun reflecting off water. A pond.
This was very different from the cramped, dirty three-bedroom apartment she had grown up in.
Gravel crunched under his shoes as he headed for the front door. He mounted the steps slowly, studying the fine construction. This place must have cost a fortune. Intricately carved oak and beveled panes of glass made up the front door. That alone probably cost more than he made in a month
Who would want to live alone in a house like this? Surely it was too big for just one person. If ever there had been a place built for raising a family, this was it. He already knew her family lived in Monticello, so was she sharing this place with a boyfriend? Or worse, a family of her own?
Five years had passed, certainly long enough for her to have found somebody and fallen in love.
No, Wade thought, his gut wrenching. Damn it, he didn’t know if he could stomach the idea of her belonging to somebody else, even though rightfully he had no hold over her. But what if some guy answered the door? Or worse, a child?
Gritting his teeth, he raised a clenched fist to pound on the door. Tucking his hands in his pockets, he half turned away to wait. And pray that it would be Nicole answering the door.
***
Nikki heard the motor long before she saw the vehicle. She stifled a groan as she saved and shut down her computer. Who in the hell could that be? Whoever it was, they weren’t welcome. Her father only came up on weekends because of work, Shawn would be in school and Dylan was working.
From the large floor to ceiling window in the living room, she watched. From time to time, she caught a glimpse of shiny black paint and silver chrome. It rounded the bend as Nikki tried to remember if she knew anybody who drove a truck like that.
Glancing down at herself, she grimaced. After an attempt to smooth down her wrinkled t shirt, she gave it up for lost. She looked like a waif, but this was her own home, so she guessed it didn’t matter all that much.
She stopped by the bathroom and ran cold water, shivering as she splashed it on her face. The dark circles under her eyes were just hopeless, though, since she didn’t feel like messing with makeup. Running her hand through her tousled hair, Nikki muttered, “That’s good enough.”
By that time, a knock sounded on the door. Through the beveled cut of the glass, Nikki could make out a dark shadow as she moved to answer the door. The polite smile she had fixed on her face wobbled, then collapsed, when she opened the door.
Wade…
He was staring out over the verandah, hands tucked into his back pockets. He turned as she went still, his eyes sweeping over her from head to toe, much as she was gazing at him. Finally, their eyes met, but she still didn’t have single word to say. Her heart was pounding fast and hard.
You still look the same, she thought helplessly as her eyes searched for changes. His face looked a little more solemn and he looked like he had filled out a little more through his chest, but other than that and the shorter hair, he looked just as he did when she had last seen him.
Maybe if I close my eyes and wish hard enough, the past few years will just fade away, she thought, leaning against the doorjamb, swallowing. Just a bad dream…
And then she kicked herself. No. She wouldn’t undo them, even if she could. Not for anything would she have given up the brief time she had with Jason.
Wade looked so exactly the way he always had.
But she had changed. Nothing in her life the same now, nothing at all. And as empty as her life was, she didn’t think there was room in it for the likes of Wade Lightfoot.
Thank God he was alone. She couldn’t take it if he had brought his daughter with him.
“Nikki.”
“Wade.”
He looked away, a sigh escaping his lips. He looked…flustered. Under her steady gaze, his hands left his pockets, thumbs hooking in his belt loops as he rocked back on his heels. She could still remember the pleasure the hands had been able to evoke. “I was surprised to see you here,” he said, his voice sounding tight and rusty.
“Were you?” Nikki asked calmly, trying very hard to pretend she hadn’t taken off running from him. She didn’t quite succeed. That dark red flush, the very bane of a redhead’s existence, spread up from her neck, heating her flesh, staining her cheeks but she determinedly ignored it.
Wade blew a sigh out, his eyes narrowing. With irritation written all over his face, he said, “I was even more surprised when you took off running like a jackrabbit, Nikki. I’ve never known you to run before.”
“I’m hardly the same person you knew, Wade. There’s a lot about me that you don’t know.”
“I wouldn’t think that turning yellow would be something to be proud of.” Then, a wide smiled flashed. “I’ve seen your books. Bought them, as a matter of fact. Congratulations, Nikki. You did exactly what you said you would do,” he told her, his eyes gleaming. “I’m proud of you”
She blinked away the sting in her eyes. How could those words still mean so much to her? How could it make her heart swell inside her chest? In a flat voice that she hoped covered her chaotic emotions, she told him, “I couldn’t care less if you’re proud of me or not. I didn’t do it for you”
With a careless shrug, Nikki added, “You never really cared all that much about it any way It has nothing to do with you.”
His mouth spasmed slightly and he said wearily, “No. I don’t guess it does.” He studied her again, his eyes narrowed and intense. “Yeah,” he finally said, quietly, as though to himself. “I guess you have changed.”
“It’s to be expected, I’d think. I’m not the person I used to be, anymore than you are the person I thought I knew,” Nikki said, folding her arms across her middle. “I certainly never would have expected what you did to me. Or expect you to hide it the way you did. I wonder, if Jamie hadn’t gotten pregnant, would you ever have told me?”
“No,” Wade said, clearly and without hesitation. “I wanted to, hell, it was killing me inside. But I couldn’t lose you. It was the wrong decision, I know that now. Hell, I knew then. But if she hadn’t been pregnant, you never would have known.” His eyes met hers straight on, unblinking and steady.
Looking away, Nikki absently rubbed the back of her neck. Why did it still hurt so much? Hadn’t enough time passed for her to be over this by now, over him? “Well, at least you can be honest about it now,” she said quietly. “But it’s a little late.” Closing her eyes, she summoned up her strength. Then coolly, she looked back at him. “What are you doing here, Wade?”
“I guess I wanted to apologize,” he told her, turning away. He walked to the edge of the verandah, bracing his elbows on the railing. A breeze lifted the edges of his hair, tugging at them, while the sun gleamed down on it. Broad shoulders strained at the seams of his shirt. His voice was lower as he spoke again. “I made a lot of mistakes with you, Nikki. I hurt you. And I’m sorrier than you will ever know.”
Nikki’s eyes closed briefly and she lowered her head. Pressing her fingers to her eyes, she thought…Sorry…he is sorry?
With a sigh, she looked back at him, her eyes searching for something she couldn’t quite define. She had experienced too much grief in her life in the past few years to wish it on another, even somebody who had hurt her as much as he had.
He meant it. Wade looked… tired. As if the past few years hadn’t been easy on him. Despite what had happened, she hadn’t wished him ill. She had never wanted him to be unhappy.
He was though; there was unhappiness in those dark eyes, in every line of his body.
Nikki moved out of the doorway, shutting it behind her. With a sigh, she seated herself on the porch swing, one knee drawn up to her chest. “Apology accepted, Wade.”
“Just like that?” he
asked, turning to face her. With disbelief in his eyes, he stared at her, watching her closely. “Aren’t you going to rant and rave, or give me the cold shoulder?”
“It’s in the past now, Wade. I’ve never wished you ill. It just wasn’t meant to be with us, and I’ve accepted that,” she said, not looking at him. “It wouldn’t do any good to rant and rave now.”
Damn, I’m good… Nikki could almost believe it herself, almost convinced herself that her heart wasn’t bleeding inside. The past seemed like it was just yesterday, the pain still every bit as true as it had been then.
But convincing herself wasn’t what mattered. All she had to do was convince him. Make sure he didn’t know that she hadn’t accepted or dealt with anything, at least, not very well. Make sure he didn’t know she woke up crying at night, for him, and for their son.
Frowning, Wade stared at her. With a heavy sigh, he looked away. “How have you been doing the past few years? Did you finish college?”
“No.” How could she tell him that she never went back, her interest in it gone, too depressed to care about a nursing career at that time. And later, when she had been interested, the doctor had strictly forbade it. She hadn’t needed that stress then. After that, when she had Jason, she had been too happy, too satisfied to need anything else.
And now… now she just didn’t care. About anything.
“Why not?” Wade asked, another frown darkening his face. “It was always the most important thing to you, other than your writing.”
“No,” she corrected. “Both of those fell way below you.”
Closing his eyes, Wade swore quietly under his breath. “Damn it, Nikki. You always did know how to twist the knife.”
Nikki ignored him as she added, “Besides, nursing didn’t seem quite so important once my writing got off the ground.” Another lie. She had kept writing, once she found out about Jason, but it had been little more than a job.
It wasn’t until Jason was suddenly gone that she started to cling to her writing like it was a lifesaver. During her pregnancy and while Jason had been alive, she had written only because she had be determined to make certain her son had a good life, better than her own childhood had been.
Later, after she had come home to an empty house, and stared at Jason’s empty room, the need for her stories had resurfaced. Like a drowning man clings to a life preserver, she wrapped herself in her make believe worlds, and tried to forget. And while she wrote, for a little while, she could forget.
Without the stories, she would have lost her mind. It was all she had left now…
A feeling of despair was rising in her, her throat tightening, her eyes stinging. An empty house, a handful of books, and an empty nursery
Damn it, if you get right down to it, I don’t really have much at all, she thought bleakly.
Determined to keep thoughts like that away, she said the one thing guaranteed to help her get back on track, to get refocused, and get him the hell off her mountain.
“Your daughter looks just like you, Wade. I imagine you and Jamie are very proud of her.”
“Jamie’s dead.”
Just as she congratulated herself on the return of her composure, she felt her foundation crumple under her. Shaken to the core, she closed her eyes as his words echoed over in her mind.
Jamie’s dead. So calmly, so flatly stated…Jamie’s dead.
“What?” she whispered
“Jamie’s dead. She died three years ago, Nikki.”
It was then that she finally noticed he wore no wedding ring.
Jamie’s dead…
Nikki felt as though the ground had opened up under her, leaving her standing on thin air. Scrabbling for purchase.
The woman she had spent years hating was suddenly no longer alive to hate. One hand went to rub at her stomach, which was churning with all the stress she was keeping bottled up.
Shakily, she said, “I’m sorry.” Her eyes flew up to meet his, certain she would see total desolation there, but all she saw was a distant sort of regret before he turned away, staring out into the trees that lined the northwestern side of her property.
Wade was silent for so long, she wondered if he was going to speak at all. When he finally did, his voice was so quiet, she could hardly hear him. “Don’t be. She was miserable with me, Nicole. I did the best I could, but I couldn’t give her what she wanted. She never could understand that I didn’t love her, that I was only there because of the baby. She had my name and a ring, but nothing else.”
Turning to her, Wade stared at her with intense eyes, mesmerizing eyes. Unable to look away, Nikki sat helplessly as he moved closer to her. He sank down on his knees in front of her, reaching out to trace the line of her jaw with a feathery touch. Softly, he said, “She could never understand that in my heart, I still belonged to you.”
“Don’t say that, Wade. We ended the night you told me she pregnant.” Jerking her face away from his touch, Nikki gave a harsh laugh and said, “Hell. We were over the night you spent with her. I just didn’t know it.”
“None of that changed the fact that I loved you. None of that changed the fact that I still do love you” Still staring at her with those dark eyes that held her pinned to her seat, he lifted her left hand, studying it intently. Gently, he pressed a kiss to the back of it. If he noticed the trembling, he didn’t remark on it.
“No wedding ring, Nikki. But is there somebody in your heart now? Am I going to have to fight to get you back?” His voice dropped as he spoke, as he hooked one hand behind her head, drawing her closer.
His softly spoken words, dark hypnotic eyes had soothed her, lulled her into believing, into hoping, dreaming. If only, she thought wistfully.
The gentle touch of his lips on her broke her out of her spell. “No,” Nikki said, her voice faint. “No,” she repeated, her voice stronger this time as she shoved him away and shot to her feet, moving to the far railing. “I’m not interested in rekindling an old flame, Wade. I’m certainly not interested in reliving the past or rebuilding something between us.”
“Why not?” Wade asked, moving on silent feet until he stood so close, she could feel his body heat warming her back.
“Because you turned out to be everything I hate in people. You betrayed me, you lied to me.”
She watched as he flinched at her words, like she had slapped him. And the she turned her back on him, staring out in the trees.
Nikki’s words lashed at him, pouring salt into the still open wounds of his heart. His guilt over what had happened had never eased, but he had succeeded in burying it. Now, it returned in full force, making his gut clench and his throat constrict. Reaching for her, he started to speak “Nikki—” only to have her cringe away from his hands.
Nikki flinched away when he turned her around to face him. “I don’t want you touching me, Wade,” she said, her voice thick. “I don’t want you here. So go away.”
Well, that went rather well.
He cursed himself as he drove away, shaken. He hadn’t meant it for to go quite like that. He certainly hadn’t expected to see a cold, quiet woman in place of the feisty girl he had known.
Nikki had lost weight, so much that she looked lost in her baggy clothes. And her eyes…so sad and distant. He couldn’t see any of the thoughts going on in her mind.
He had always been able to read those eyes, know what was going on in that quirky mind of hers. It was very disturbing to look into those eyes now and see nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Hell, Wade What did you expect? Did you think she would throw her arms around you and tell you how much she had missed you?
While he hadn’t been expecting it, he had been hoping for a warmer reception than he had received. Damn, optimistic fool.
Anger, he expected, even if he did wish for something more. But anything, even her anger, would have been better than that ice edged disdain.
Wade looked up and blinked, his heavy thoughts retreating slightly. Damn. He was home. Looking up at the
little ranch house, he didn’t even remember driving there.
Later that night, Abby sat watching a tape of Sesame Street, while her father sat behind her on the sofa brooding.
Wade hadn’t gone looking for Nikki after she had left his house that last day. He had been ready to, had even gone so far as to head for her dad’s apartment. Then, half way across the bridge, reality had hit and he had realized she had done the only thing she could. He had instead gone to the riverfront, staring moodily into the muddy Ohio
Nikki had done what she had to. And he didn’t really have much choice either. There was only one thing left for him to do, after he told Nikki and killed their life together.
He’d married Jamie, fully intending to make the best of his marriage, telling himself he’d forget about Nikki. Wade had failed at that, but he kept her memory tucked away deep inside, rarely allowing himself to think of her.
He’d had hoped over the past few years that she had found somebody who made her happy. Even though the thought of her with another made him want to howl, Nikki just wasn’t the sort of woman meant to go through life alone. She deserved somebody who would love her, whom she could love with all the fierceness and passion she had within her, somebody who could help her have the babies he knew she wanted, and bring laughter to her life.
Those hopes were gone now.
Today, her soft hazel eyes had looked at him like a beaten dog, cowering, frightened, just waiting for another blow. Physically, she looked no older than she was, but there had been an air of grief to her, of sadness that added decades to her. It didn’t seem fair that he had been the one to screw up and she was the one who so totally miserable.
Wade had not been happy with Jamie, but then Abby had come along and she had stolen his heart from the first. Jamie hadn’t cared about being a mother, had retreated inside herself more and more each day. It was so different from what he had imagined his family life would be like, when the time for him to have a family finally came. Jamie had never once entered into the picture.
NO LONGER MINE Page 7
