NO LONGER MINE

by Shiloh Walker

  “I’ve been up for hours,” he said softly, smiling as her face started to flush. “I meant it literally. I didn’t sleep more than an hour or two.”

  “So you decided to come up here at the crack of dawn?”

  He shrugged and tucked his hands in his back pockets. “You know, if looks could kill, you two would have been dead the minute I rounded the bend. I didn’t recognize Shawn. He’s grown up.”

  “He looks pretty much the same way he did five years ago.”

  “Not really. He looks like a whole other person. I hear he’s training with a contractor, going into construction”

  “That’s right. Dylan leaves in a few months to join the Army. Might even have a shot at military intelligence. Neither one of them have been in trouble with the law in years. Shawn just broke up with the girl he swore he was going to marry, but he’s not too upset about it. Dylan isn’t really dating anybody in particular, but he says now isn’t the time to be starting relationships. Did you come up her to discuss my brothers’ plans for the future?” she asked, arching an eyebrow at him.

  He ran his eyes over her sweetly curved body, appreciating every exposed inch, and there were a lot of inches exposed, her legs poking out from under the hem of the green silk sleep shirt she wore, her nipples hard under the fragile cloth.

  Hell, discussing anything was the last thing on his mind.

  “No.” He moved closer, backing her up against the wall, forgetting about the eyes that were even now boring into his back.

  “Back off, Wade,” Nikki snapped, her brows drawing together. Her soft, full mouth firmed into a flat line as she leaned back into the wood, trying to stay as far from him as she could. Her eyes were dark, turbulent with emotions Wade couldn’t even begin to understand. “I can’t deal with this right now.”

  “Deal with what?” he asked absently as he lowered his head, eyes focused on her mouth. Her answer went unheard as he groaned and locked his mouth on hers, intent on making every vivid dream, every little fan­tasy of the past night a reality here and now.

  Wade closed his eyes, nearly dying from the pleasure of feeling her moving against him. She felt like an angel, tasted like heaven. Sanity fell to pieces around him as his hands traveled under the silky top to find her bare beneath it Nothing but soft smooth skin that trembled under his hands. Wedging himself between her thighs, he ground his erection against her and shuddered.

  He clamped his hands over her silk covered hips, hiking her up, pressing heat against heat. Tearing his mouth from hers, he dragged air into his starving lungs. Her head fell limply back, coming in contact with the exterior of the house, but she didn’t even flinch. Throat exposed, eyes closed, she was the very picture of surrender. Wade lowered his head and feasted on the smooth expanse of bare skin between neck and shoulder.

  A soft whimper escaped her lips as the taste of him flooded her senses, Nikki felt her already weak resolve begin to crumple. This had always felt so right, she thought in despair. How could she fight off something that felt as natural as life itself? It might be easier to will her own heart to stop beating. She shuddered when he plunged his tongue into her mouth, his strong hands molding her against him, cupping the curve of her rump, lifting her up against him.

  Nikki gasped, filling the heat shimmer through her from head to toe, then center at her neck and groin. The blood in her head pounded in time to the thick heavy waves of pleasure that washed over her.

  Have I lost my mind? she wondered frantically as those waves washed down to pool between her thighs. Her brothers were waiting inside, probably watching their every move. And here they were, ready to go at it like a couple of teenagers. Audience or no audience. And she really didn’t care.

  Fisting her hands in his hair, Nikki dragged his head back to hers, met his mouth again. Sharp teeth nipped gently at her lower lip before his tongue sought out the tiny hurt and soothed it. One hand left her hip to race up and close over her bare breast, dragging the pajama top up in the process. His thumb scraped over her nipple, drawing it tighter as he kneaded, massaged, stroked her breast.

  Wade tore his mouth hers and lowered his head to nip at her neck, forc­ing his hands back, letting the silk fall until she was decently covered, then closed over her waist as sanity made itself known. Not here. Damn it. What timing. “Come home with me,” he whispered, frustrated need and lust mak­ing his voice harsh.

  Her voice practically gone, Nikki shook her head, and said, “No.”

  “Yes,” he demanded, biting her earlobe with none too gentle teeth. “You want this as much as I do.” Pulling away, he stared down at her face, flushed with hunger. Desire had darkened her eyes until they were nearly black. That wide mobile mouth was red, lips swollen. “Damn it, I could unbutton my jeans and spread your legs right here and you’d love every second of it. I don’t think you could stop me right now. I don’t think you’d want to.”

  She closed her eyes and refused to reply. She wouldn’t lie about it, but damn it, she didn’t have to admit it either.

  “If you won’t come home with me, then get dressed and come walking with me,” he coaxed, his thumbs caressing her ribcage and the sensitive underside of each breast. “I’ll take you into the woods and lay down on the leaves and make love to you there.” His voice was low, smoky, full of promises and need. “And I’ll make you forget every second you ever spent without me.”

  The hot words and hot promises in his eyes wound themselves around her like a silken rope, pulling her flesh tight, making breathing nearly impossible. She was tempted. Sweet heaven, she was tempted.

  “Wade, I can’t,” she whispered, the words coming hoarse. The lump in her throat was making breathing difficult.

  “Sure you can. Just go throw on some jeans and come with me,” he said, nudging the wet cleft between her legs with his erection. His blue jeaned legs rubbed against her inner thighs, the sensation almost painful to her sensitized nerves.

  “That’s not what I meant, Wade,” she whispered brokenly. “This isn’t going to solve anything.” Understand. Please. I can’t keep fighting you, not now. I’m too weak already.

  She saw it in his eyes, the heated fog of lust clearing, as he started to actually hear her. She continued to stare at him, knowing he could see that hunger there, as well as her fear, and something that bordered on desperation.

  In his eyes, anger started to flash and she braced herself.

  “What’s there to solve?” he demanded. “You still love me. I love you. We need each other.’

  “I can’t do this,” she said, closing her eyes against the pain.

  “You don’t have to do anything at all. Just spread your legs for me and I’ll do the rest,” he snapped. “If you can’t give me anything else, I’ll settle for your body for now.”

  “I can’t do it like that,” she said sadly. “It’s all or nothing”

  “And if I need an answer now?”

  Wade could see it in her eyes, on her face. Her throat worked as she swallowed and her eyes glistened with the wet sheen of tears. But her voice was firm when she answered, “It would have to be nothing.”

  “It’s always been all or nothing with you!” he raged. Damn her, he couldn’t wait forever! And in the way of all men, he decided to place the blame solely on her shoulders. “If you would just learn to bend a little, maybe we never would have had these problems.”

  She threw his hands off, her eyes going wide. “Me?” she asked, her voice low and shaking. “Me?” she repeated, her voice rising with shock and anger. “Learn to bend? Damn you to hell and back, I bent over backwards trying to please you. You wanted the one thing I couldn’t give. I can’t change the past, Wade.”

  “This has nothing to do with the past,” he growled, slashing at the empty air with his hand. “Nothing to do with Jamie or with that sorry bastard. It has to do with us, you and me.”

  Snagging her neck with his hand, he dragged her forward and leaned down. “I don’t give a damn about the past,” he snarl
ed. “It’s over with. You need to let it go and stop letting it tear you apart.” Frustrated beyond belief, he shook her slightly. “Damn it, what in the hell happened to you? You’ve turned into a damned hermit. You’re barely a shadow of what you were. You think I can’t see the pain in you? It’s tearing you apart and I can’t help but think it’s more than just me. You never would have let me ruin your life, not after what I did. I wasn’t worth it!

  “Let it go,” he finished, her voice ragged, his brow pressed to hers. “It can’t affect us any more.”

  “The past made us what we are, Wade. It’s not that easy.”

  Watching her from hooded eyes, Wade came to slow realization. She wasn’t going to give in. Not now or ever. “If that’s the way it is, then I don’t think I like what it’s made you into. I don’t think you like yourself much either.”

  His words cut at her, as her own frustrated desire turned into misplaced anger and hurt pride as quickly as his had. Her eyes narrowed, the hurt she was feeling showing in her face, she hissed, “If you don’t like what I am, then you only have yourself to thank It was you who did this to me. You and that damned slut—”

  Before another word had left her mouth, Wade had her pinned against the wall, his hand clamped over her mouth. “Don’t ever speak of my child’s mother that way, Nik. Don’t ever do it,” he repeated, his voice low and hard, his eyes glinting like shards of broken black glass.

  With a furious toss of her head, Nikki dislodged his hand, glaring. “Ah, yes. I mustn’t say anything against the sainted Jamie. Never mind that she took you from me,” she snarled, throwing his hands from her.

  “That poor little rich girl, she grew up with anything and everything she ever wanted. She had everything. I had nothing. Until you. You were mine; you were the only thing my life that really mattered and she took you away.”

  How can you defend her? Her heart breaking inside her, Nikki clenched her fists. She had bitten her tongue, had held back for years. And what had it gotten her? Nothing. Damn it, if she had done something then maybe this mess wouldn’t have happened.

  But she had ignored her, like she knew Wade wanted, and not done or said a damn thing to the woman who spent months chasing after an engaged man.

  “Well, I say whatever I want against the bitch,” she coldly said, whipping past him to stand her ground in the middle of the porch. She didn’t back away as he advanced, just took out the one weapon she had left. “Like a dog in heat, she went chasing after you, no matter how many times you told her you weren’t interested. She did everything to catch your eye except strip naked and plant herself in front of you.”

  Her lip curled up, her voice full of hate and derision, she said, “And to think that your hands touched her; how can you possibly think that I would want you after knowing you were with her? That your hands touched her? I don’t want them on me. They’re dirty”

  Wade stopped in his tracks, anger suddenly replaced by pain, deep biting pain. He had never, in all the time he had known her, heard her speak to any one in that tone. And the look on her face, as though she had found something distasteful on the soles of her shoes. Dumbfounded, he stared at her. She couldn’t mean that.

  But one look at her furious face told him otherwise. She didn’t want him there. She had told him time after, but like a fool, he had kept coming back.

  He needed her so badly, like a dying man needed water, but she didn’t even want him touching her. Had he imagined the way she lit up when he touched her? Had he imagined the need in her eyes simply because he so badly needed to see it there?

  “You can’t expect me to believe that you don’t want me,” Wade said, his voice sounding tight and rusty. “You can’t expect me to believe that you feel nothing when I touch you.” He only wished he was as certain as he sounded.

  He watched as she flipped her hair back and shrugged her shoulders, carelessly, casu­ally. “It’s been a while for me, Wade.” She smoothed her hands down her sides, ran her fingers through her tousled hair. “Been a busy few months. Haven’t had time to get out much. After Dale left, well… I’m picky. And there’s not too many guys around here who’ve caught my eye.”

  Wade looked into her eyes, looked for some sign that she was lying, playing out a role. But he saw nothing that could convince him that she spoke anything less than the truth.

  I don’t want them on me

  The words replayed themselves over and over as he stood there, feeling vaguely lost, and very confused. The hurt and anger were waging a war within him, ripping at him until he was so damn torn apart, he could barely see. Nausea roiled sickly in his gut as her implica­tion that any man would suffice sank in.

  Had it come down this? Would fate be cruel enough to place her back in his life, to tempt with glimpses of what could be paradise, only to have his hopes and dreams smashed because she just didn’t want him any more? Had Nikki been imagining somebody else in his place every time he touched her?

  “Are you so damn perfect that you never made a mistake, never hurt anybody?” he rasped, growing aware of a desire to hurt her as badly as she had hurt him. Anything, even pain, would be better than that damned disdain that sat so haughtily on her face, surrounding her like an invisible cloak. “Never done anything that you would give anything to have undone? Never done anything that made you feel like the lowest life form on the planet?”

  He couldn’t see the guilt and the sorrow that started to form in her eyes and he didn’t hear the soft apology in her voice as she quietly said, “I make mistakes. I’ve felt even lower than that, and I think you are aware of what I’m talking about”

  Her voice sounded oddly, distant, flat. But it rolled off his shoulders like water as he tried to reconcile to the words… I don’t want them on me. “Wade, I need time. I’m only human.”

  The unspoken apology went unheeded by him, as he heard in his head, over and over, I don’t want them on me. The unspoken words he was hearing were almost any man would do. You might be handy, but you’re not good enough.

  He kept coming back, time after time, needing her so badly, and she kept kicking him in his face. That mental image of him crawling at her feet only to receive a boot in his face for his efforts had his pride kicking in, temporarily masking the pain he felt. He drew himself up, reined in the anger and pain that must be showing on his face.

  “Yeah?” he asked, derisive. “I’m not so sure of that. A human would show some forgiveness, a little compassion. That’s what happens when you have a heart. And from what I can see, you lost yours sometime ago. I’m beginning to wonder if you ever had one.”

  Damn it all, he was done begging. He was done crawling. No more.

  Making his own face as cruel as hers had been, he continued, “Hell, I’m starting to wonder about a lot of things. But one thing is certain.” Moving closer until he was nose to nose with her, he whispered harshly, “You ain’t worth it.”

  “Wade—”

  Her face was pale, the pain in her eyes registered dimly in some part of his mind, but he didn’t acknowledge it. He had his pride, he wouldn’t keep crawling after her. He had been patient, understanding, hell, he had all but begged her to take him back.

  And this was what he got for giving up his pride in the name of love.

  Eyes as cold as the North Star, Wade inclined his head, his face expres­sionless, regal as he gazed down at her with all the arrogance his ancestors had possessed. He was the descendant of Indian chieftains and braves. He was done with crawling after a woman.

  Coldly, he offered, “And as for time, well, take all the time you need, Nicole. What you do matters nothing to me.” And then, without looking back, he walked away from her.

  * * *

  Nikki walked woodenly into the house. It was over. She had won. She had driven him away and away, he would stay.

  What had she done?

  Over the guilt, a soft voice whispered inside her, exactly what you had to do. You had to be sure. Otherwise, it wouldn’t have been fai
r to either of you. Or to Abby.

  But why had she been so hateful?

  Sinking down on the steps, Nikki buried her face in her hands. Anger. Hurt. Self defense. Any one of those would have been right. Or at least, partly right. But the real reason was fear. She was so damned afraid of being hurt again, of losing it all.

  “Nikki?”

  She looked up, startled. Dylan stood before her, concern in his eyes. He knelt down in front of her, took her cold hands in his. Her eyes stared back into his, eyes so like her own. “Want to talk about?” he asked quietly.

  “No,” she whispered, her voice soundless. With a gentle tug, she freed her hands and rose on none too steady legs.

  “What are you going to do?”

  She stared at him, her eyes lost. “I don’t know,” she said faintly. She badly wanted to run away and hide, lick her wounds.

  So why don’t you? She blinked, as the soft little voice repeated itself. Why don’t I? she asked herself. Hell, it wasn’t like she had any reason to stay here, not after what he had told her. Damn it, how could he like her any more? She didn’t even like herself.

  And he was done waiting. Just when she had started to think, maybe…just maybe…

  Too late now. And the wishes and dreams didn’t matter if he didn’t want her any more.

  A slight shudder wracked her body, like an echo of the pain she was holding trapping inside. Closing her eyes, she focused, grounded herself. Why in the hell shouldn’t she take some time?

  “I’m going to New York.” And then she ascended the stairs to go pack.

  * * *

  Wade drove around aimlessly until early afternoon. He restaged the fight time and time in his mind, and in the way of men and women since the dawn of time, he came up with sharper retorts and an even more crippling parting shot.

  How could she call him dirty? He hadn’t gone and lost his virginity at the age of fourteen to a piece of trash. No, his conscience whispered softly. You were lucky enough to have family at home that loved you, cared about you. You didn’t have to go looking for love; it was always right there.