NO LONGER MINE

by Shiloh Walker

  “That’s probably why you chose it. You like seeing eyes pop out.” Nikki gave a weak watery smile as she rose to her feet as well. “The person who designed it must have been a man. They don’t think of things like that. But you look great in it.”

  “I’ve been told several times tonight that I’d look better out of it,” Kirsten quipped, flashing a smile at the younger woman. “I know I’d certainly feel better out of it.” She slid a sideways look at Nikki and asked, “What about you?”

  “I don’t think it matters to me one way or the other, but for propriety’s sake, you ought to leave it on,” Nikki replied, her voice droll.

  “I meant, do you feel better?”

  “No,” she replied honestly. “But I will.”

  Chapter Eight

  January fourteenth dawned sunny and cold in New York City. Nikki boarded the plane with her sunglasses in place, her hair shorn once again to chin length. She’d actually managed to gain back three pounds in the past three weeks, she was actually a little hungry and looking forward to the snack served mid flight.

  But half way through the flight the weather turned cloudy and then stormy, and the final fifty minutes of the flight were passed with her closing her eyes against a dreadful headache, clenching her teeth against the nausea that roiled through her. You couldn’t have gotten her to open her mouth for food even if you had a crowbar.

  Hands cold and sweaty, eyes glassy, Nikki stared straight ahead, shuddering minutely each time lightening flashed around them, each time thunder rolled through the sky.

  The kindly Southern gentleman on her side smiled reassuringly at her and patted her hand from time to time as he worked on his lap top. She wondered if she would ever get over this dread of thunder­storms, of rain.

  When the plane touched down, Nikki heaved a sigh of relief, took a deep gasp of air and sent a payer of thanks heavenward, earning a chuckle from the man next to her. “Didn’t think we’d make it, did you?” he asked, his eyes smiling from behind thick lenses.

  “I just don’t deal with real well with storms, particularly when I’m flying around in the middle of it.”

  “The trick is not to think about,” he offered as he politely held her long leather trench coat for her. “You were thinking about it before it really even started so that made it worse. But we’re here, on solid ground.”

  “Thank God,” she said fervently, smiling weakly at him and thanking him before grabbing her carry on and slinging it over shoulder. “Have a safe trip to wherever you’re going.”

  “You, too, young lady,” he said, smiling at her before she stepped into the aisle, joining other disembarking passengers.

  Her long leather coat swept her ankles as she entered the terminal, looking for familiar faces. Shawn’s face was the first she saw. Or rather, she saw his head as he bent it to whispered in the ear of a girl who would stand a good six inches over Nicole. Behind him stood her Dylan, leaning against a pole and gazing into nothingness. Her dad stood to the side, searching the crowd with impatient eyes.

  They hadn’t seen her yet.

  Nikki resisted the urge to melt into the crowd and take off running. Ireland. Australia. Scotland. Any place. The Arctic Circle would be fine. Afghanistan would be fine.

  But she didn’t. She was getting tired of running.

  Tugged off the loose gray beret, Nikki shifted her way through the flow of people until only ten feet or so separated her from her family. She was five feet away before they recognized her.

  Jack’s eyes glanced over her absently before drifting away. Seconds later, they returned to her thin face and he sighed, shaking his head in resignation.

  The thin sad little waif before them bore little resemblance to the healthy woman who had left. Only the sad eyes were the same. Sadness had eaten away at her literally, until she was just a shadow of herself. Jack doubted she’d weigh a hundred pounds. Violet half moons lay under her eyes and Jack wished that for five minutes, he were alone with the boy who had done this to his little girl. Again. He pulled her into his arms, stifling the second nature instinct that had him wishing for a drink.

  “How are you, baby?”

  Nikki forced a smile and promised, “I’ll be better now that I am home.” She hoped she wasn’t lying.

  Dylan was scowling at her when she turned him. “You look like hell. Doesn’t that rich girl in New York know how to feed people?” he demanded. His mouth was compressed to a tight thin line, his eyes narrowed. “You were supposed to come back better, not worse.”

  “She knows how to feed people, I just forgot how to eat,” Nikki told him, her mouth quirking in a slight smile before she moved away, letting him shoulder her carry on.

  The animosity between her brother and friend was a long-standing one, one she used to. Kirsten had taken one look at her brooding baby brother and steered far clear of him. Dylan simply ignored her, never speaking more than five words to her unless he had to.

  Nikki suspected Dylan had noticed the elegant lady, from the first moment he had seen her. Really noticed.

  She also suspected she knew exactly why Dylan avoided Kris so completely. Kris had only been a junior editor when she had met him the first time, but she was far more successful than he would ever be He was a street punk from West Louisville, she was a classy educated business woman.

  And if she knew her brother at all, the fact that he had what could be considered a crush on her that wouldn’t go away only fuel to the fire.

  She arched a brow at him, unable to keep from wondering how long those two would avoid each other. The inevitable would happen sooner or later. Under her patient stare, Dylan scowled, and repeated himself, “You look like hell.”

  Then he hugged her close, and Nikki sighed, relaxing for just a minute. But then he straightened up and stared down at her with shrewd, knowing eyes. “You didn’t outrun it, did you?” Dylan asked, quietly, studying her shadowed eyes. “But I don’t guess you expected to.”

  “No. I guess I didn’t,” Nikki agreed, turning away from him and introducing herself to the Amazon who stood hand in hand with her baby brother.

  And as she spoke to the sweet natured girl who handled her brother like an old pro, she fought off the feeling of dread that was rising within her.

  She was home.

  It was time to pay the piper.

  ***

  Christmas Eve

  Wade climbed out of the ambulance, his shift over. He didn’t have to be at work until five a.m. three days from now. He had time to spend with his daughter and parents. And Leanne.

  And his memories.

  Cursing, Wade shoved the thought of memories out of his head as he trudged over to the car after exchanging good byes with J.D.

  After supper with his family, he was taking Leanne home. His father, very subtly, of course, had offered to watch Abby for as long as they were needed tonight. And Leanne couldn’t have been much more obvious about what she wanted under her Christmas tree.

  Her invitations had been subtle, timidly issued, but there nonetheless.

  And Wade couldn’t make up his mind whether he wanted to take her up on it. He was tired of waiting, tired of being celibate, tired of the only relief he had being his fist. It had been over two years since he’d been with a woman.

  I’m not a little kid, damn it. If I need a woman, I ought to be able to have one. And not feel guilty about it, he seethed in silence.

  God above knew, as did Wade, that if he played his cards right, he could have Leanne in bed beside him at night, cooking his little girl breakfast in the morning. God above knew his little girl needed a mother.

  Wade needed a wife.

  But his body was cold at the thought of going to bed with Leanne. That dynamite body rose only causal male appreciation of a fine female form. Kissing her was pleasant, but Wade got more satisfaction from even think­ing about kissing Nikki. And she was beyond his reach.

  He had never been more indecisive, more confused

  And he
had never been more lonely.

  Getting Nikki out of his mind was hard, but he was working on it. She had obviously let him out of hers easily enough. Never mind that he still dreamed of her, night after night, he thought as he started the truck and flipped on the wind­shield wipers to clear the drifting snow from the windshield. The sky was winter white and an inch of fluffy white snow lay on the ground.

  Never mind that Nikki was the first thing on his mind when he woke up and slipped into his mind the minute he let his guard down. He was dating, after all. And he enjoyed being with Leanne. She was sweet, smart, drop dead gorgeous, and looked at him as though he was some kind hero, instead of a something disgusting that had crawled out from under a rock.

  Wade congratulated himself as he turned onto the main highway for how well he was doing. So what if Nicole Kline had moved up to New York. Probably had a fancy ass boyfriend up there, not that Wade cared. Some limp-wristed bastard who ate canapés and drank champagne for breakfast.

  Wade Lightfoot did not need Nicole Kline.

  He might want her, but he didn’t need her If he woke up at night, still able to taste her on his lips, so what? Didn’t most men think fondly of their first love?

  Fondly my ass, his evil twin insisted. Wade tuned that mocking voice out of his head as he slowed for a stop light. The snow was starting to fall heavier. He was getting over her, and doing a good job of it.

  And he just might take Leanne up on that invitation tonight.

  * * *

  Then again, maybe not.

  Wade rested his chin on top of Leanne’s head, his eyes wide open. She was pressed against him, wearing a dress that would have demure if not for the body that wore it. A soft, musky perfume rose from her warm flesh and she had offered to let him come and toast the holiday season.

  Wade couldn’t think of any place that could be more uncomfortable than where he was right now. He didn’t want to be there

  And he was fooling himself. He wasn’t ready to go to bed with this woman, and he probably never would be So he forced a smile, bussed her mouth gently and said, “Not tonight. I’ve got a busy night ahead of me. And you have to work in the morning.”

  So now he was sitting in front of the fireplace, alone, assembling the toys from hell that all children seemed to want from Santa Claus. Wade was viciously wishing the fat elf would show his face and put these damned things together. A half-empty beer sat next to him and several more waited in the fridge. He certainly wouldn’t make it through the night if he had to be completely sober.

  His father had offered to help, but this was a parent’s job.

  And, as always, he was doing it on his own.

  Outside, the snow continued to fall. It was, all in all, the picture perfect Christmas Eve. If only…

  Wade closed his eyes and let his head fall to rest on his drawn up knee, the socket wrench falling from his hand. If only I wasn’t such a first class fool. God only knows how he could have spent this Christmas, if he hadn’t lost his head back in the summer.

  If he hadn’t let Nikki wrap herself around his heart so tightly, he might have had Leanne with him.

  But he couldn’t have Nicole. And he didn’t want anybody else.

  Now he understood why holidays were so depressing to some people. Loneliness always to magnify itself at this time of year. And even though he had much to be thankful for, he was finding a hard time remembering any of it.

  He was tired of fighting off his memories, of subduing his imagination and his sorrow. Why in the hell shouldn’t he think of her? When he got right down to it, he knew he was only lying to himself when he expected to get over her.

  Was she spending tonight with somebody?

  No. She’s alone, just like you are.

  She shouldn’t be. She’d been alone for the past five years. She didn’t deserve to keep being alone, but he couldn’t find it in him to wish she was spending it with somebody she cared about, who cared about her. Selfish bastard, he whispered to himself. You can’t have her but that doesn’t mean she should have to be alone because of it. After all, you are the one who screwed things up.

  Without even realizing it, Wade drifted off into sleep.

  Nikki.

  She was sitting in a window seat, overlooking a night sky filled with glistening Christmas lights for as far as the eye could see. The city wasn’t one he knew well. He hadn’t ever been there, but millions of people knew it from just the skyline…

  New York.

  Face tipped back, her eyes closed, tears streamed down her pale cheeks. And as he watched, she opened her eyes and turned her head away from the picture outside her window.

  Her face was thin, hollow shadows beneath her high cheekbones. And as she stood, a thin silk chemise showed a body that was pared down to little more than muscle, flesh, and bone. She moved past him, so close he could have touched her. In fact, he tried, but his hand just drifted through her wrist as she walked by.

  And he started to drift away.

  But before he was completely gone, he heard the softly uttered words.

  Damn you, Wade.

  Damn you, Wade.

  His eyes snapped open and his jerked his head up, staring all around him. The toys, fully assembled for the most part, shone shiny and new in the firelight. His beer, lukewarm, still sat half empty at his side.

  Staring into the fire, he remembered the dream.

  It hadn’t just been a dream

  Just as it hadn’t just been a dream when he had fallen asleep in the lounge at the hospital years ago just a few days before Jamie had killed herself. He had known before it had happened.

  Nikki was miserable.

  And again, he was to blame.

  He couldn’t seem to stop making her miserable.

  Let her go, a small voice whispered inside his head. She deserves a little bit of happiness in her life, somebody who doesn’t make her miserable just by existing.

  Hell. He remembered the utter despair on her face as she rose from the window seat.

  She would be coming home soon enough. This was her home, not New York. She had come here in refuge five years earlier, and she would come back once she had time to settle herself. And what Wade needed to do was let her go before she came back.

  When she did come back, she needed to see that he had moved on with his life, that he was accepting her wishes.

  I’m not going to go up there, demanding she give it one more chance. I need to apologize, and let her know I’m ready to move on with my life, like she wanted in the first place.

  And once she saw that he wasn’t going to keep intruding in her life, she could finish healing. She had told him, time after time, that she was just learning to live again and he had ruined it all by showing up and chasing her back inside herself.

  Once he was out of her life, she could resume her life, without him.

  And eventually, she’d find somebody who made her happy.

  The thought sickened him, knotted his stomach and made his vision go red.

  But the past five years of her life had been miserable. He had broken the spirit of somebody who he had thought too strong to ever break.

  The least he could do was let her go.

  * * *

  Leanne gazed at him over softly glowing tapers, her eyes smiling shyly into his. Soft violin music played over discreetly hidden speakers and ubiquitous waiters answered ever wish before it could even be spoken.

  January was almost a memory now. Christmas was past. And Wade had been set to testing his resolution to put Nicole in his past. She was back in town. Had been for nearly two weeks. He hadn’t seen her yet, but would eventually.

  He had to convince her, and himself, that when he saw her, it was over. As though there was nothing between them.

  And if the thought made him want to howl, he just reminded himself he was doing it for her. He felt noble, for the most part, letting the love of his life go so she could be happy. Settling for a woman who was, at best, a pale second. Not
that Leanne would ever know that.

  The woman who would be his child’s mother would deserve the very best he could give her; he wouldn’t be able to give her his heart. Wade smiled at Leanne automatically as he walked himself through the night, step by step. Abby was spending the weekend with her grandparents. The scene at home was set.

  If he was suffering from a few qualms about this, it was only natural. His first marriage hadn’t been a dream come true.

  But this would be different.

  It was for the best, for everybody concerned. Leanne would have the family she so desperately wanted. Wade would have a wife and hopefully, the loneliness that surrounded him like a cloak would lessen. Abby would have a mother who adored her instead of ignored her.

  And Nikki would understand that she was free.

  Wade was giving himself a much repeated pep talk as they waited for their meal. He had just taken a sip of the wine Leanne had sweetly asked he try when he looked up and saw her.

  His throat tightened, his stomach clenched as though he had just taken a particularly viscous sucker punch.

  Nikki.

  She walked past, about twenty feet away, her head bent as she followed the hostess around the corner. His eyes landed on her family, and he cursed the sense of relief that rushed through him when her realized she wasn’t here with a date. Or a lover.

  A cocky little beret sat atop curls shorn to chin length, her long leather coat swept her ankles as she disappeared from his sight.

  Wade nearly choked on the excellent wine as he automatically inhaled at the sight of her. A fist closed around his heart and he could have sworn he smelled the subtle alluring scent of lotion slicked flesh. Blood pounded in his head and muscles tensed.

  He had been deluding himself.

  Maybe he could let her out of his life, but never out of his heart. And he could never let another woman take the position that should have hers from the first, that would have been, if he hadn’t been such an ass