With her eyes still closed, she pulled up an image of him, his sweet laughing face as he had toddled though the stream not very far from where she sat, tiny fish darting his little feet
Over the past few months, since Wade and his little girl had packed up and left, she had come to realize that a person didn’t have to be there physically. Jason was still with her, tucked safely inside her soul where he couldn’t be hurt.
The memories of his father and sister he had never known were with him.
With a sigh, she rose to her knees, pressed her hand flat to the headstone. Silently, she said her good-byes.
It was time to let go.
And it was time to get on with her own life.
She made her way to the little church. Her Bronco sat parked in front, black paint gleaming under the sun. She paused, one hand resting on the hood as she stared back at the cemetery. A breeze drifted by, bringing with the unmistakable scent of honeysuckle. Tipping her head back, she drew the air in and smiled.
Saying goodbye didn’t hurt as much as she had thought it would.
Something tickled her hand and she looked down. Perched there, on her index finger, was a tiny butterfly. Pale yellow wings marked with traces of blue. Cautiously, she lifted her hand, waiting for it fly of. It didn’t. She held it up to her face as her smile bloomed.
Jason.
Vividly, she remembered the picnic. How her little boy had chased after butterflies and found a dead one, one with wings the color of the sun and the sky. The scent of honeysuckle on the air. The pleasure of the early summer sun shining down on them.
He had come back to say good bye.
Sometimes, she had thought his loss had been so devastating partially because she hadn’t been able to say good bye, had never been able to find the closure she so badly needed. Maybe she had spent all these hours by the graveside, searching for him just so she could say good bye.
But he had never been there.
Until now.
She could feel him, all around her. Maybe it was her imagination, but at that moment, she heard a deep baby chuckle, smelled the soft scent of his skin.
Suddenly, the butterfly fluttered its wings and took off. As it flew away from her, the final heavy weights of grief fell from her shoulders.
And Nikki understood what it was like to be free
If only she been able to do this months, she might not have lost Wade.
Smiling a sad little smile, she climbed into her car. She had come to grips with the pain, as she had so desperately needed. It had finally eased. It was still there, but it had distanced itself from her, become more bearable.
She had come to grips with losing Wade.
You simply couldn’t have everything in life that you wanted. You just had to make do with what you had.
Shrugging off the memories, she started the truck and headed for home.
The little red light on her machine was blinking. For once, it didn’t occur to her to ignore it until the poor machine could hold no more messages. She hit the play button as she kicked off her sandals.
The voice that filled the room was unfamiliar.
At first.
“Hello. I’m trying to reach a Nicole Kline. I’m not sure if I have the right number.” Silence. “This is Louise Lightfoot. I was asked to try and contact you.” More silence, followed by a deep shuddering breath. As she waited, frozen in dread, listening to that voice from the past, Nikki prayed. Like she had never prayed before. “My son… Wade…he’s been in an accident, Ms. Kline. He was asking for you. He’s in…”
As she named off the largest trauma hospital in Louisville, Nikki’s legs folded beneath her. “Please, God,” she whispered softly, weakly. “Please, God. Not again.” For a few moments longer, she knelt on the floor, folded over, her face buried in her hands as her all too vivid imagination painted the worst possible pictures.
Then she saw Abby’s little face.
And shot to her feet.
In less than ten minutes, she was on the road to Louisville, speaking rapidly into a cellular phone she rarely used It was several years old and dusty. She kept it out of habit more than anything else. This was the first time she used it in months, if not longer.
She listened to the standard tripe handed out to non-family members. Hung up on the bored nurse. Called again, listened to the same crap from a more understanding nurse, who offered to get a family member.
The voice that came on the phone was another blast from the past. Wade’s older brother Joe. “He was hit by a drunk driver on the way from work a week ago. We’ve been trying to track you down ever since. He was…he was asking for you when they brought him in. It was touch and go that first night. They didn’t think that he would make it. Mom finally got in touch with your dad earlier today but he wouldn’t give her your number. She called back again later and your brother gave her your home phone number.”
Nikki stored that little piece of information to deal with later and asked the question she hated to ask. “How is he?”
“Unresponsive,” Joe said quietly. On the other end of the line, he pressed his thumbs to his eyes, closing out the harsh hospital lights “He fell into a coma about two hours after they brought him He took a few blows to the head. We, ah, we don’t know…we don’t know if he’s going to come out of it or not.”
“The doctors?”
“They keep saying we have to keeping hoping for the best, but you can tell they’re losing faith that anything will happen. There’s no physical reason for the coma.” Miles away in Louisville, Joe stared in silence at the still body that lay on the bed. Hooked up to various tubes and lines, Wade was barely recognizable. “It’s been a week, Nik.”
“He’s gonna be fine,” Nikki said, her voice rough. “Talk to him, okay? He will hear you. Tell him…tell him I’m coming.”
She could only hope that he really wanted her there.
* * *
Wade was floating in darkness. Occasionally, a familiar voice would break past the thick cloud that seemed to envelope him. Mom, Dad, and Joe. Lori and Zack. It was funny, those two being married. Most often, it was Abby’s sweet little voice that called to him, telling him stories the best she could remember. The longer she spoke the closer he came to getting out of the dark well, but always, her voice would start to falter, then tremble and break, and then she was gone, and he was adrift again.
The one voice he wanted to hear, kept waiting for, never came. He thought he remembered calling out for her after… After what?
Had he been in an accident? He didn’t feel like it. But then again, he couldn’t feel much of anything.
Occasionally, the darkness was relieved by lights. Two different lights. Confused, he would freeze where he was, afraid to move toward either one. He knew what those lights meant, but why would there be two of them? He didn’t want to die. He wasn’t ready.
Why were there two lights?
Another voice floated to him, soft, female, familiar, but then Wade recognized his mother’s voice, and distantly, her scent. Losing interest, he withdrew.
* * *
Nikki stood at the foot of the bed, staring at the figure laying limply under white sheets. Not so long ago, she had laid in a bed much like this, in a small country hospital, tubes running this way and that. A thin tube had been inserted through his nose to feed him and the faint outline of another tube led toward a catheter bag. Yeah. She had been there before.
One arm was turned up exposing his inner elbow, where an IV line was secured. Clear fluid fed into the line from a bag hanging at the bedside.
He was thinner, paler. Weaker.
“Are you going to talk to him?”
Slowly, she turned. Standing in the doorway was Abby, clad in a pink top and blue jeans. She had grown, quite a bit from when Nikki had last seen her. With a start, Nikki realized it had been almost a year.
“Yeah,” she answered, her voice tight and rusty sounding. “I’m going to talk to him.” She nodded polit
ely at Louise, feeling vaguely uncomfortable and ashamed. Wade’s mother had always made her feel that way. She held her hand out to Abby and offered, “Why don’t we both talk to him?”
Slowly, Abby reached out her hand, leaving her grandmother’s side. In her oddly adult way, she said, “I think my dad loves you. He was so sad when we left.”
“I was sad, too,” Nikki admitted, passing a gentle hand down the inky black hair. Why did adults always think that they were hiding their problems from children? The little kids always knew.
“Then why did you let us leave? We could have stayed, if you’d asked him,” Abby whispered, her large brown eyes filling with tears. “We could have stayed”
“Maybe we both needed some time to figure out what we really wanted,” Nikki said.
“I know what he wanted. I know what I wanted. We wanted you to be our family,” Abby said, her eyes straying to the figure in the bed. “Was it because of me? Didn’t you like me enough to be my mom?”
Nikki didn’t think her heart could hurt any more than it already did, but she was wrong. “Oh, sweetie,” she murmured, pulling the little girl into her arms. “Baby, it wasn’t you. It was me. I’ve been all messed up inside and I’m just now starting to get myself straightened out”
Over Abby’s small shoulder, Nikki saw Louise Lightfoot, standing guard. Protecting son and grandchild. Seeing the girl in front of her as someone who hadn’t measured up, hadn’t been good enough for her son. Nikki reckoned that Louise blamed her for Wade’s indiscretion with Jamie. If she had been the type of girl she should have been, Wade wouldn’t have strayed. Nikki also knew she certainly wasn’t what the older woman had pictured her future daughter in law to be. From the wrong side of town, a broken family, hoodlums for brothers, an alcoholic for a father, the daughter of a woman who had killed herself rather than deal with the problems in her life.
None of that counted now. Her hoodlum brothers were reformed, for the most part. Her father was sober and had been for years. Nikki had proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was strong enough to deal with anything life may throw at her. They lived a small town where people liked and respected them.
But even if that hadn’t been the case, Nikki knew it wouldn’t have mattered.
Wade thought she was good enough. He had wanted her, and God willing, he still did. The little girl clinging desperately to her shoulders definitely wanted her. That was what mattered.
Rubbing a soothing hand over Abby’s back, she rose, cradling the little girl against her. Carefully, she settled in the chair by the bed, reaching out and taking Wade’s hand. “What should we say?” Abby asked, whispered.
“I don’t know. What do you think we should say?” Nikki asked.
With the hope of the young, Abby cocked her head and said, “Maybe we should tell him how little girls ought to have a dog. A real one.”
“Wise choice,” Nikki decided
Side by side, they talked until their throats were raw and their voices hoarse. Twilight was settling in when Nikki and Abby fell silent. Sleepily, Abby asked, “Do you think he heard?”
“I know he did, honey,” Nikki said with a smile as she brushed back silky black locks of hair from Abby’s face.
“Why doesn’t he wake up?”
“I think he’s kind of lost. It’s like he’s in a place he doesn’t know and somebody went and turned out the lights. He’s just got to find his way out. That’s why we need to keep talking to him. If he hears us, he’ll know which way to go.”
With a sleepy smile, Abby said, “He gets lost a lot. He always finds his way back, though”
“He will this time, too,” Nikki promised, hoping she wasn’t lying.
Abby fell asleep on her lap, her face pressed against Nikki’s breast, small arms locked around her neck.
From the chair in the corner, Louise sighed and said, “I wished we could have explained it to her like that. We didn’t know what to tell her.” Silence fell again as Louise came and collected her sleeping granddaughter. “I need to get her home.
“Do you really think he heard?” Louise asked, her voice breaking.
“Yes.”
“How can you be so certain?”
With a sad smile, Nikki replied, “Because nothing else is acceptable.”
Moments later, quiet footsteps followed by the soft click of the door and then Nikki was alone with Wade. Pressing her lips together, Nikki reached once again for his hand.
“Wade, it’s me,” she said, forcing her voice to be level. “Buddy, you need to wake up. There’s people here who need you. Your little girl. Your folks.” In a whisper, she added, “Me.
“We went and messed things up real good, Wade. But that doesn’t mean we can’t straighten them out.” Her voice broke and she clenched her hand tightly around his. “Damn it, Wade. Don’t do this. I can’t lose somebody else. You’ve got to come out of this.” Tears fell down her cheeks and she leaned forward, laying one arm around his waist, resting her face against his belly. “I love you. I always did. Sometimes I hated myself because I couldn’t stop. But it’s a part of me, like breathing, like writing. I can’t live without you. I can live with you not wanting me, but I can’t do it unless you’re out there somewhere.”
His face remained still, his eyes closed as she continued to cry against his chest. “Damn you, Wade. Wake up!”
Her voice faltered and then strengthened as she started to talk to him. She told him about Jason, about the pregnancy, about the short time she’d had with him before she had lost him. “He looked just like you. He was smart and sweet and funny.”
She told him about her books, the ones she had written. The ideas that brewed and simmered in her head before she was able to get them down on paper. She told him about her family, how they had straightened out and actually started acting like a family. How Dylan and Shawn had gone from troubled street punks to hotheaded but decent young men.
Through it all, he was silent.
Shifts changed. New nurses came and went. One quietly offered to get her a drink, some food and was told no. Another suggested she get some rest and was ignored. Some of Wade’s old friends had pulled strings, talked to a couple of doctors, and Nikki could stay around the clock. She wasn’t leaving until he woke up.
Some time near dawn, eyes dry and burning, Nikki released his hand and rose. She wandered over to the window staring out at the sleeping city. In the distance, she could see the Kennedy Bridge and the distant lights of southern Indiana.
Restless, she paced the room. Why wouldn’t he wake up?
* * *
Silence swarmed all around him and Wade wanted to scream with frustration. Where had she gone? Nikki?
He couldn’t talk, couldn’t move…damn it! Was she going to walk away again? If she did, he wouldn’t even be able to stop her. He should have tried harder last time, should have kept pushing her.
Damn it, where had she gone?
He floundered, hesitating. Two different lights. Which one led the way home, to Abby, to Nikki?
He paused, turning from one to the other. As the silence continued, he made a choice.
* * *
Soft sobs filled the room. Nikki still sat at the bedside, her face buried in the sheets by Wade’s side. It had been three days. Three days since she had first entered this quiet room. Since that first, she hadn’t cried. Until now. Sheer exhaustion and fear had eaten away at her and sometime after Louise had taken Abby home she had simply broke.
“Oh, God, Wade,” she whispered brokenly. “You have to come back.” One hand clutched desperately at his.
“…cry…”
Startled, she jerked up right, one hand pressing against her mouth. His face was pale, his hand limp in hers. But his sculpted mouth parted. “Wade?” she whispered, almost afraid to speak.
“…don’t cry…”
“Wade,” she gasped, leaning forward as his eyelids slowly lifted. Then he was staring up at her. “Please don’t…cry…” he repea
ted, his voice a weak whisper.
“I can’t help it,” she wailed as more sobs built in her throat. Tears of relief this time, as she huddled at the bedside, his hand clutching hers tightly.
* * *
“Did you mean it?”
A day later, Nikki raised her head to look him. Gritty eyed from lack of sleep, her mind bleary, she asked, “Mean what?”
“What you said”
“You heard me?”
He frowned at her over the tray of hospital food, broth and jello. Yum. “I heard you say you loved me. Did you mean it?”
Locking her eyes on his, she simply said, “Yes.”
“What do you plan do about it?”
“What do you think we should do?”
It was almost night again. His parents had finally left, leaving them alone. She was nervous and scared and hopeful. He had clutched her hand most the day, as though he feared she would disappear if he let go. “I think you should marry me,” he decided, his voice hoarse, both from lack of use and from the feeding tube that been removed the past night. But his tone was firm, almost belligerent
“Is that a proposal?” she asked, cocking her head as she lazily swung one foot back and forth. She looked casual and relaxed, but her insides were jumping with happiness and hope.
“No,” he snapped. “I’m telling you. I proposed once and that was a damn disaster. This time, I’m telling you.”
“Telling me?” she asked archly, raising that arrogant eyebrow and staring at him. “Don’t you think this is something we should talk about?”
Catching the teasing twinkle in her eye, he tugged her hand. Willingly, she came down to cuddle against his side. He covered her mouth with a rough, almost desperate kiss. Then he buried his face in her hair as he replied, “No. You spend too much time talking. Haven’t I already told you we get along much better if we don’t use our mouths to talk?” She smiled and whispered, “I have just one more thing to say.” Scowling, Wade demanded, “What?” Nikki lowered her head, nipped his lip gently before turning her head to whisper something into his ear.
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