Where was he now? Was he okay? These thoughts had been swirling relentlessly in my head since the second I laid it down on this pillow. I pretended to be asleep when Donnie came to bed, especially when he tried to initiate sex again, but let my eyes drift open once his rumbling snoring started up on the other side of the bed.
I doubted I'd be getting any sleep tonight. I doubted I'd be getting any peace either, and I knew it wasn't just Jack I had to blame for that.
What was I doing? The man sleeping beside me was a monster. He was cruel and spiteful and mean, but something was keeping me here and I couldn't quite figure it out. It wasn't just fear, either. That would be too simple. The fear was a driving factor every time I backed down from him, but it never lasted for long. I wasn't used to being afraid of things, and being afraid of people seemed almost ridiculous when I'd spent so much of my childhood learning to defend myself mentally and physically from anyone who might want to harm me. I had too many walls to hide behind, too many places I could retreat if things became too much for me to handle. Even Donnie couldn't get me there.
I had a long history of cutting people out of my life like ripping a square from a quilt if I felt it was what I needed to do to survive. Donnie was the only person who had gotten close enough to hurt me in a very long time, and the fact that I let him keep hurting me was mind boggling.
True, I was scared of more than just his anger. I was scared of what might happen to me in this town without him. I would lose my home. Would I lose my job too? I was scared of being broke and destitute, of sliding back into the chaos I'd risen from. Then again, I'd only risen with his help. I guess part of me felt like I owed him for that, and this was how I could repay my debt.
I turned onto my side, away from Donnie, and squeezed my eyes shut until bright colors danced across the backs of my lids.
It wasn't right.
I knew it wasn't right. I'd always known. But knowing something and acting on it are two very different things, and for all my strength I wondered if this was one thing I'd never be able to wrestle with and win.
I needed a distraction, and I couldn't bear wondering about Jack anymore. Quietly, and so slowly that I could practically hear my joints creaking, I rose from the bed and tiptoed into the ensuite with my phone.
Once in the bathroom, I closed the door and sank down to the tile. I shot off a text message to Naomi, asking her if Jack was okay. It was just past three, which meant she'd be on her way home from closing up.
My phone buzzed and I cursed inwardly, flipping it onto silent and listening for movement from the bedroom before daring to open the text.
He's fine. Just dropped him off at the Greyhound.
My heart began to hammer in my chest and I texted her back.
He's leaving??
What was I expecting? He wasn't from here, and the Cannon locals had made it obvious how unwelcome he was. Still, the thought of never getting to see him again struck a chord in me. I ached, knowing that from now on out my gallant hero would forever be a memory and nothing more. This experience would fade away and I would forget how good it felt to have someone stand up for me, even though I always thought I preferred to stand up for myself.
Naomi texted back a minute later.
Took some convincing on my part. Be careful with Donnie, okay babe? Let me know if you need anything.
I stared at my phone, rereading her first sentence over and over again. So Jack hadn't immediately dashed for the nearest exit when he came to. What did that mean? Did he want to stay because he wanted revenge? Maybe he just wanted to rest for the night. But maybe, just maybe, he had wanted to stay because of me. The thought filled me with such warmth that for a moment I forgot the bitter reality of my situation and indulged in fancy instead. I imagined what might have been if Donnie hadn’t been there. The flirty conversation we might have had, how his visit could have been an entertaining little aside in the endless tedium of Cannon life.
Then reality kicked back in, and I remembered I was on the bathroom floor in my boyfriend's house, hiding the fact that I was texting my friend because I didn't want to risk upsetting him again.
The tile was warm still from the day, but I felt a chill creep into my bones. This wasn't right. I didn't deserve this. I didn't deserve Donnie.
There was a guy out there who believed in the goodness in me just from meeting me at the bar. He believed I was worth more than the life I'd always told myself I was already overshooting to have, and frankly he made me feel more wanted in the short time of knowing him than I had the entire time I'd been with the guy sleeping in the other room.
So what was I still doing here?
I let my phone fall into my lap and stared into the dark. The panic rising in my throat mixed with the adrenaline in my veins, spurring me to action.
I rose, feeling jittery and jumpy and not entirely sure what to do with myself. It was overwhelming to realize that the life I was living needed to change without knowing how exactly I could accomplish that. The only thing I did know was that I needed to get away from Donnie and I needed to do it now.
I crept back out into the bedroom. My heart drummed on my ribcage so loud I thought it might wake Donnie, but he was a sound sleeper. Especially when he'd been drinking.
I worked slowly and quietly in the dark, gathering my purse and a pair of shoes but deciding not to risk getting changed. It was a warm night and I didn’t want to waste time if Jack’s bus could come at any moment. My pajamas would have to do.
My blood sang in my ears as I made my way down the silent hallway toward the front door. I carried shoes in my hand, my bare feet soundless against the hardwood. Each step could be the one that betrayed me, the one that found a squeaky floorboard and magically roused Donnie from his drunken slumber. How would I explain myself if he caught me? I was too far to go back now. I couldn't pretend that I'd only been stepping out for some air, nor did I want to. I would have to face him and all of his anger if he woke up, and that thought terrified me more than the thought of making it on my own ever had.
Still, I didn't stop. I made it all the way to the end of the hall and stared at the front door, gulping down a knot of tension in my throat.
The door would not be quiet. I was tempted to climb out a window rather than risk the door’s squeaky hinges, but I refused to let Donnie have control over me even while I was leaving him. If the door woke him, at least I'd be outside and halfway to town before he realized what happened.
I reached for the handle, turning it and wincing as it squeaked in protest. I stilled and listened for sounds of movement from inside the house but thankfully heard nothing. Then, with agonizing slowness, I stepped out onto the deck and closed the door behind me.
Now all I had to do was get in my car and drive away. Simple. Minus the fact that Donnie would almost certainly hear the sound of my little Toyota thrumming to life.
No fear.
No looking back.
No hesitation.
I didn't put on my shoes until I was inside my car and the doors were locked. It was still dark in the house and that allowed me to relax just a little. With a shaky hand I turned my key in the ignition and stared hard at the bedroom window.
It stayed dark. If Donnie had woken, he hadn't turned on any lights. Not yet, anyway. I started backing down the driveway, and without even glancing back in the rearview I headed off in the direction of the bus station.
I felt weight drop from my shoulders with turn of the wheel. The further I got from Donnie, the better I felt, and after about a mile I rolled down the window and let the warm air blast against my smiling face.
I'd done it! I'd left Donnie!
Sort of.
He probably didn't know I'd left him yet, and that would be its own set of problems once he found out, but the important thing was that I'd made the first move in my new life. Everything I did from here on out would be my choice, and that realization was so liberating that I indulged in a crow of delirious laughter.
; I didn't know what I was going to do when I saw Jack again, or why I was seeking him out in the first place. I just knew that I couldn't let him disappear from my life—even if all I got to do was thank him before he went on his way.
I arrived at the bus station and parked near the ticketing office, dashing out to the waiting area with a hopeful smile.
There was nobody there.
I looked around in a panic, only to see a lone bus pulling out from one of the bays, and realized that my only shot at seeing Jack again was about to roll away before my eyes.
"Wait!" I called, waving my hands in the air and sprinting after the bus. "Stop!"
The bus only accelerated, belching out a thick cloud of smoke as it turned onto the main road.
"No!" I kept running. My feet ached from my long shift but I couldn't stop. Not when I was this close. Not when I'd tried so hard.
I couldn't even see his face through the darkened windows, only the reflection of the desolate bus station as the bus roared off toward destinations unknown, carrying my gorgeous fighter with it.
Chapter 11
Jack
They nearly didn't let me on the bus. I thought I was going to lose my mind, and made it very clear to them that I wasn't going to leave quietly if they denied me boarding just because I looked like I'd been through the ringer. I had been through the ringer, which was exactly why I needed to get home. ASAP. Now that I'd decided I was headed back to Bell Springs, I wanted to be there like, yesterday.
I was tired. My eyes felt heavy in their sockets, and even resting my forehead against the window didn't help. I wanted to sink into my bed and never come out of it again, to sleep so long that my aching body wasn't aching anymore by the time I woke up. Hell, at this point a coma sounded like paradise.
I wasn't sad to put Cannon behind me, but I still couldn't stop thinking about the girl. No amount of sleep or cold drinks would help me where thoughts of her were concerned. I had a sinking suspicion that Melissa would strut around my mind for a long time to come, and I resolved right then and there that the best thing I could do was dive back into my Bell Springs life and forget this fucked up nightmare of a day even happened. If Sadie asked me about it, which she wouldn't, I would lie. I would lie my face off, even to myself, just to blot the image of Melissa's tear filled eyes from my mind because I knew I'd go crazy if I didn't.
Naomi assured me that I was making the right choice, but it didn't feel that way. I couldn't describe it, but I kept feeling this tug in my gut that told me to stay. It was like Melissa had tethered me to this place and I was going to have to rip myself free by force.
The bus began to creep out of the station, and I clenched my battered fist. I tried to picture her, wherever she was. I tried to picture her happy, even though I knew she wasn't.
"Wait!"
The voice was faint, but so high pitched and desperate that it caught my attention. There was no reason for anybody to be screaming anything at this hour unless it was directed at this bus.
I craned my neck to look out the window behind the bus, and that was when I saw her. Her arms in the air, her eyes wide and pleading, her long legs sprinting as fast as they could, but even those gazelle legs couldn't compete with this bus.
I was on my feet before I even had a second to think. "Stop the bus!" I yelled.
Was she crazy? What was she doing chasing after my bus? What was she doing here at all?
The driver shot a glare back at me.
"I said stop the bus!" I yelled again.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" He looked in his rearview and saw the girl chasing the bus, but turned onto the main street anyway. "You should've said your goodbyes before we left, pal. We're not stopping until we get to Grand Dam."
The couple other people on the bus, though interested in what was transpiring, obviously agreed with the driver. Nobody wanted to fuck around at three in the morning and I didn't blame them. They all wanted to get where they were going, but the problem was that I wasn't going the same place. Not anymore.
I stormed up the aisle and stopped next to the driver. "Stop the bus and let me off," I said, as calmly as possible, though I felt anything but calm. "Please."
He ground his teeth but reluctantly pulled over to the side of the road. "I'm not waiting for you," he warned. "You get off this bus and I'm out of here."
"Great. I hope it's a good trip." I jumped down the stairs and turned to see Melissa, still running, but far behind us.
A million things hit me at once. I was confused but happy to see here there. I was worried, too, since I didn't know what had happened since I'd seen her last or if she was okay. Most of all I felt something hot deep in my chest, something that made me hustle as quickly as I could down the road, gritting my teeth every time I jostled my ribs.
Melissa stopped in front of me, panting. Her face was pink with exhaustion, hair a tangled mess. She was wearing pajama shorts and a tank top, and I could see the outline of her breasts through the thin cotton. I licked my lips, watching as she broke out into a wheezing explanation of what she was doing there.
"I'm so sorry...I know you're probably...you probably don't want to get messed up in my drama, but it meant so much to me what you did today. I—"
I didn't need an explanation. She would never have to explain herself to me. I surprised her by wrapping my arms around her and pulling her close, ignoring the biting pain that shot out from my side. It was worth it just to hold her.
Melissa melted against me, hands balled in the fabric of my t-shirt and face pressed against my chest. It felt good to have her there, like I was finally satisfying my inexplicable need to protect her. I had her in my arms now and she was safe there, and whatever she wanted to tell me didn't matter.
It felt right.
She smelled like beer, but also something feminine and earthy and all her own. I nuzzled my head against her shoulder and inhaled, feeling her pulse jump in her throat. My cock responded but I pushed the feeling down. Now wasn’t the time, but fuck if it wasn’t hard to tell my body that when she was pressed so tight against me.
After a minute or so, Melissa gently pushed on my chest until I pulled back a little.
She looked up at me, tears brimming in her beautiful crystal eyes. I pushed a piece of hair from her face, and smiled. "Hey."
She laughed. "Hey."
"You chased after my bus, crazy girl."
Melissa buried her face in my chest, groaning in embarrassment. "I'm sorry! That was such a weird—"
"Shh." I rubbed a comforting circle on her back, unable to hold back a smile at how cute she was when embarrassed. "No, I'm glad you did. I was worried about you."
She lifted her face up again, and this time she was so sad it hurt to look at her.
"Yeah, well as it turned out, I was worried about me too," she said, wiping a tear from under her eye. "Can I take you out for a bite to eat?"
My stomach rumbled, reminding me that I hadn't eaten since the afternoon. Things had been a little too crazy for me to even consider food, but now I was ravenous.
"Yeah, let's do it."
I released her and we started walking back toward the bus station. Melissa kicked gravel out of her path and stared at the road ahead, obviously troubled.
"What happened tonight?" I asked.
"You mean after..." She scrunched up her face in disgust. "After Matt hit you with the bottle?"
"Matt." I tested the name aloud. "Glad I know who to thank for the massive headache. And yes, I mean what happened after that."
"I'm so sorry I left," she said, looking anywhere but at me. "Donnie wouldn't let me stay and..."
I stopped. "Melissa. Look at me."
She turned and our gazes locked. I enunciated every word so there would be no misunderstanding.
"You do not need to apologize for anything that happened tonight. I may not know much about you, but I know that you are not at fault. Not for any of it. You're a victim, sweetheart."
She winced. "Yeah. I k
now. But it's like I turn into a different person when Donnie’s around, someone who doesn’t fight for the same things I normally fight for. I'm embarrassed."
We started walking, and when she threaded her fingers through mine I felt a swell of pleasure in my chest.
"You don't need to be embarrassed, especially not around me," I told her. "I'm just happy that you're here. That's all that matters to me."
We made it back to the parking lot and she directed me toward a little silver sedan. She hadn't even closed the door properly before running after the bus, which made me happy for some reason. We were quiet as we got settled. She was a vision of calm as she buckled her seatbelt and I almost forgot the events that had brought us here. Hell, staring too long at those pajama shorts would probably make me forget my own first name. I stared out the front window instead.
"You're right, you know," she said. "About me being a victim. And I know you're right. I think it's just going to take some time to mentally sort through everything that's happened between Donnie and me. I'm kind of mess in the meantime." She started driving, eyes laser focused on the road ahead of her. "Even as I'm with you, and I know that leaving Donnie's house tonight was the right thing to do, part of me still wants to turn this car around and try to sneak back into bed before he notices. Part of me is heartbroken. Part of me is just delirious. I don't know what to believe anymore."
"Don't believe anything." I looked over at her, admiring her profile, the way her chin sloped into a long elegant neck and how her eyelashes fluttered against her cheeks when she blinked. "It's times like this that relying on your instincts can save your life. Until you can believe in something, you've got to trust your gut."
She glanced over at me for the first time since we'd gotten in the car, and it was a skeptical glance.
"What if my gut told me to abandon you on the side of the highway and floor it all the way to San Francisco?" she asked.
I chuckled. "Then I'd say it's been nice knowing you, Melissa, and I wish you the best in the Golden City."
Protecting Her Heart Page 28
