by Peak, Renna
The guilt crushed down on me without warning. I wished a hole would open in the floor and swallow me so that I would never have to think again. I grabbed at my water and the ice cubes clinked around in the glass as I brought the cup to my lips. I kept my gaze on the table and sucked in my lip to keep my chin from quivering.
"You don't like it." He reached for my hand.
I couldn't get my hand on my lap in time to avoid him, and I had to let him take it. I was sure he could feel the cold sweat on my palms. I couldn't bring my gaze to meet his. "No, it's fine. It’s great. Really."
I knew he didn't believe me. How could he when nothing was fine? I was a hot mess. A hot, broken mess. I thought I was getting better, but I wasn't. I never would be, and how could I ever really be better? How could I ever tell him or anyone else the truth?
My fiancée was dead and it was my fault.
14
"Let's go." He squeezed my hand.
I looked up at him. My silent pity party ended when I saw the way he was looking at me. A weird mix of apprehension, pity and fear was in his eyes. I wished I could explain it to him, to anyone.
I nodded and we stood up. He paid and we walked out of the diner. He took my hand and we walked a few blocks down the sidewalk in silence.
We stopped in front of a store and he turned to me. "Are you okay? You looked like you saw a ghost back there."
What could I say to him? What could I tell him that would make him understand? I turned to make eye contact with him. "It just reminded me of someone." I shook my head. "It isn't you. I swear to God." I managed a weak smile. "You were right. It was the best thing I've had in my mouth in Japan." I winked. "So far." I forced myself to grin. Might as well get past the awkwardness with some more innuendo.
He chuckled and pulled me toward the business we were in front of. The Golden Spoon. I had no idea what it was. "I think you'll like this place. It's right up your alley." He turned to me and gave me a wink.
Great. I wasn't even sure what my alley was anymore.
We walked inside and I recognized what it was immediately. Frozen yogurt. We walked up to the wall where the machines were and he tossed me a container. I went to the one marked 'lemon' and filled my bowl, topping it with raspberries again. This time, he only pulled one flavor into his bowl and poured some chocolate syrup on top. I could see him watching me from the corner of his eye, a sly smile on his face. We checked out and went to sit down at one of the little bistro tables that were set up at the front of the store.
I raised an eyebrow. "Only one flavor this time?"
He laughed and took a bite. "I learned my lesson last time."
I scooped up a big bite of my yogurt with a couple of raspberries and put the whole spoonful in my mouth. Tears began to form in my eyes and my taste buds screamed at me to spit it out. I forced myself to swallow it and tears streamed down my face like a fountain. It was like I had eaten about a thousand sour lemons all at once.
He covered his mouth with the back of his hand and I could see he was trying to contain his laughter. I punched his arm and grabbed his bowl from in front of him. I took a bite of his vanilla yogurt and closed my eyes when it hit my tongue. Sweet ecstasy.
He let out a huge belly laugh. "That was mean of me. I should have said something."
I punched him again, this time even harder. "You knew?"
"That lemon flavor here actually means lemon? Yeah, I had a pretty good idea." He snickered a little and pulled his bowl back in front of him. He took a huge bite of his vanilla yogurt then pointed his spoon at me. "Vanilla, on the other hand, is usually pretty safe." He snickered again and scooped up another spoonful. This time, he held it out to me.
I leaned in and licked the bite from his spoon. The hyperactivity of my salivary glands was almost back to normal. I licked the ice cream from my lips. "You're awful." I pointed at him with my index finger. "And you will suffer for that."
He gave me a wicked grin. "You can think of a punishment for later. I'm sure you'll come up with something suitable." He took another bite of his dessert and looked down into his cup with a grin.
He shared the rest of his dessert with me and we left the restaurant. He took my hand into his and pulled me closer to him. He motioned with his head toward a store across the street. "Well, Miss Jones, have you ever been to a 100 Yen store?"
I bristled. I remembered giving him the fake last name when we had first met at the watercolor class. Even when someone didn't recognize my face, they always recognized my name. Or at least asked if I was that Jenna Davis.
I looked at him and wondered how much longer I could keep up the charade of not being that girl. Because Jenna Davis was still a girl, still doing only what her father had stamped and approved. The girl I was with him—Jen—she was in a foreign country, ready to give a kick-ass presentation to win a huge account for her company. And she was in the presence of the most beautiful man she had ever met.
He squeezed my hand, breaking my reverie. He looked down into my eyes. "You okay? I thought I lost you for a second."
I flicked my eyes up to his gaze, forcing a smile on my lips. "Is that like a dollar store?"
He nodded and grinned. "They're awesome. You have to check it out with me."
I nodded in agreement and we crossed the street to the store.
We walked in and it was insane. The colors and just sheer amount of stuff squeezed into the small space was incredible. He pulled me down an aisle and started showing me random crap. We got to the rather large tool selection and he pulled something from the shelf and put it in my hand. "Here, you need some pliers."
I turned the tool over in my hand. I was surprised at how heavy they were and by the high quality of the dollar store item. "What the hell am I supposed to do with pliers?" I handed the package back to him.
He shrugged and put it back on the shelf. "I don't know. Take them with you to your meeting tomorrow. You'll wow them with your ability to be ready for anything."
"With pliers? You're crazy." I saw the display of Hello Kitty stuff against a far wall and knew I had to get something for Mel. I knew she'd be able to get her own Hello Kitty crap while she was in Tokyo, but I had to get her something anyway.
Brandon saw where I was headed and lifted an eyebrow at me. He gave me a slow shake of disapproval with his head and he walked into another aisle. I could deal with his disappointment in me long enough to get some good, cheap Hello Kitty stuff. What girl didn't like the utter cuteness of Hello Kitty? I picked up a notebook and a package of colored pencils and continued looking through the store at the displays. The stuff in the store was way higher end than any dollar store I'd ever been to. I grabbed a few packages of candy and headed to the register to pay for my items.
He came up behind me with a single item in his hand. I paid for my items and saw him set his on the counter. My eyes widened to saucers. "You obviously don't know me very well." I felt the heat rising in my cheeks. I grabbed my small bag and shoved it into my purse. I turned on my heel and walked toward the door.
I heard him snicker and he finished paying. He came up behind me. He laughed again. "These aren't for you. They're just a gag gift for a friend."
I lifted an eyebrow and turned to meet his gaze. "Neon pink, sparkly condoms?"
He slipped an arm around my waist and guided me out the door. "Remember my high maintenance business associate?"
My brow furrowed with my horror and my jaw dropped to the floor. "You said you'd never met her!" I turned to face him. "That seems pretty inappropriate for someone you haven't met."
His eyes twinkled. "They aren't for her. Not exactly. They're for the person I'm introducing her to. Re-introducing her to." He smiled. "It's a complicated business transaction, but they aren't for her. They're for an old friend that will also be at the meeting. He's pretty sure he'll need them." He shrugged. "It's complicated."
I shook my head. "I don't get it."
"Yeah, like I said it's complicated. I don't usually get invol
ved in stuff like this, but it was for an old friend. And he made it worth my while. Really worth it." He lifted an eyebrow.
I nodded. At least doing something like that for money was understandable.
He continued without skipping a beat. "They were close at one time. He was head over heels for her, but their relationship took a… well, a strange turn. She doesn't know he's going to be there. I don't think she would have agreed to come if she did."
"So you lied to her and now you're playing matchmaker. With pink, sparkly condoms."
He laughed. "Something like that."
I shook my head again. "I think I'd castrate you both if you pulled that on me."
"Well, you're a badass. She's a pampered brat, and my friend is in love with her.” He waggled his eyebrows. “Love is blind that way, I guess."
15
I thought about his words on the taxi ride back to the hotel. I was sure there were people out there who thought I was a pampered brat, too. Maybe I was. Maybe I had been but wasn't anymore. I wasn't sure if I even knew who I was at all anymore.
I looked at the outline of Brandon's face against the passing lights of the city. His chin rested on his hand and he looked out the window as we rode.
He looked over at me and smiled. He reached out his hand and I took it in mine. There was something so safe about him, so right. I was sorry at that moment that we'd begun our relationship the way we had. I wasn't sure if I would be able to overcome it.
He smiled at me. "What are you thinking about?"
I shook my head and looked out my window.
He took his hand from mine and he reached into his pocket. He pressed a small silver coin into my hand. "A yen for your thoughts."
I closed my hand around the coin and smiled. "I was thinking." I turned to him and looked up at him through my lashes. "I was thinking that I was sorry we started out the way we did."
"Oh." He frowned. "Well, we can't undo it, you know?"
"I know." I turned back to the window and watched the lights whiz by.
"I'm not sorry about that night, Jen. I'm not sorry about it at all."
"Oh." I gulped. Of course he wasn't sorry about it. It was what he did—his thing. He was the one who told me he'd done it a hundred times before.
He grabbed my elbow and turned me toward him. "Because I wouldn't be here with you now." He smiled. "You really think you would have gone out to Osaka with me tonight if we hadn't had that night together?"
I shook my head. "No." He did have a point there. A hundred women before me or not.
"No," he repeated. "And we wouldn't be here together now. And I want more of these nights. I want to see you eat mouthfuls of lemon fro-yo and see you buy your green tea Kit-Kats and your Hello Kitty art supplies. And I want to see what you'll do next time we go to the 100 Yen store and I buy neon green condoms. Because next time, they'll be for you."
I tried to choke back a small laugh. "I'm sorry."
He shook his head. "Don't be. I don't want you to feel pressured by me. Just because we started out this—whatever this is—having an amazing night together, doesn't mean we have to do it again until you're ready. Okay?"
I nodded. He was the most amazing man I had ever met. I didn't deserve him, not after what I had done to Daniel. Not after what I had driven him to do to himself.
He slipped his arm around my waist and pulled me into his side. I rested my head against his shoulder and he kissed the top of my head. "Tell me something about yourself."
My brow furrowed. "What do you want to know?"
I felt him shrug. "Tell me something no one else knows."
Right, where was I supposed to start? My real last name? "I don't know."
"What's your darkest secret?" Sure. Maybe he'd like to hear about how I drove my fiancée to commit suicide a year ago.
I burrowed my head deeper into his shoulder. I couldn't handle my own darkest secrets. How in the hell could he? "Music school. I was going to run away and go to music school."
"The piano.” He kissed the top of my head again. “You're amazing. Why didn't you go?"
I shook my head. "I did what my family wanted me to do."
He nodded. "Are you sorry you did?"
"Sometimes. But, I guess if I hadn't gone to business school, I wouldn't have come to San Francisco for my job and I wouldn’t be here now."
He squeezed my waist. "And you wouldn't have met me."
I smiled and squeezed my eyes shut. "And I wouldn't have met you."
"So are you admitting it?"
My brow furrowed above my closed eyelids. "Admitting what?"
"That there are forces at work that are greater than both of us that want us to be together."
I lifted my fingertips to rub at my temple. "I admit nothing."
He squeezed my waist again and breathed into my hair. "You will." He kissed the top of my head.
We arrived back at the hotel a few minutes later. It seemed much quieter than it had earlier in the day, but I was sure it was because it was getting close to midnight.
We walked through the glass doors and he turned to me. "Wait here. I'm going to check something." He walked to the desk and spoke to the man at the counter. I watched them nodding and the man typed into the computer. Brandon returned to where I was standing a few minutes later. "They have another room available."
I lowered my gaze and felt my eyebrows furrow together. “You don't want me in your room.” It was more of a statement than a question.
His own brow furrowed. “Of course I do. I just don't want you to feel pressured with me. I'll stay in another room if you want me to.” He kissed my cheek. "And if you do, you can change your mind tomorrow night or the night after or the night after that. You just say the word." He raised an eyebrow and looked into my eyes. "Okay?"
I nodded. "Wait. How come you can get two rooms here, but I can't even get one?" My fists balled up at my sides.
He laughed. "I told you. The benefits of elite status." He tilted his head and looked down at me. "I want you to want this."
I nodded again and relaxed my angry fists. I did want this. I wanted him.
“Do you want me to take the room? Because it's no problem if you do.”
I chewed on my bottom lip and thought for a moment. I thought about coincidences and how much I already liked this man, what he did to me. I looked up at him and shook my head.
He tilted his head to the side. “Are you sure?”
I nodded and sucked in my lower lip. I'm sure it looked like I was trying to be chaste, but it was more from nerves than anything. I knew it was a bad idea. I had a meeting the next day, but I reminded myself that it was a late meeting. And I wanted him. I wanted him more than I wanted anything I had ever wanted. At that moment, my need for him was stronger than my need for anything else.
He smiled at me and waved to the desk clerk. He grabbed my hand and led me to the elevator. “It's okay if you change your mind once we're up there, okay?”
I nodded again and smiled to myself. I knew I wouldn't be changing my mind about anything.
16
We returned to the little hotel room and Brandon's eyes locked with mine the moment we closed the door. He slipped his arms around my waist. “You're sure?”
My brain couldn't even form words. Being that close to him made the connection between my brain and mouth dissolve. All I could do was nod. I wanted him more than I could put into words, anyway. I ran my hands across his chest and tilted my head up toward him. All I could think about was having his lips on mine, his body against mine.
He took an impossibly long time to respond to me. He looked into my eyes with such desire that it almost knocked me over. I began to tremble, unsure of what I was nervous about. It wasn't as though he hadn't had me before, but it wasn't like this. There was no alcohol fueling the lust this time, only the electricity between us.
He brushed his bottom lip against my own, barely touching me. I sucked in a deep, uneven breath and he pulled me closer t
o him. He brought his lips to mine, and I crushed myself into him. There was no space left between us. I could feel every bit of him, so hard, so hot. He pressed his lips against mine even harder, running his tongue along the seam of my lips, demanding them to open for him. I could feel him against me and I could tell how much he wanted me, too.
His fingers tangled in my hair and he pulled me even more tightly against him. Our bodies fit together like a perfect jigsaw puzzle. His every curve matched perfectly with my own.
He pulled his lips from mine and took a jagged breath. I took another uneven breath of my own. He tilted his head and whispered into my ear. “I don't want you to regret this, Jen. I want you to be sure.”
My mouth found its ability to speak somehow. “Stop trying to talk me out of it. I am sure.” It came out as a breathless whisper. And I was sure.
He kissed the spot under my ear that he had found the first time we were together. I melted into him, unable to do anything else. A small moan escaped my lips and it seemed to urge him on. His kiss trailed down my neck to my collarbone, pulling my shirt to the side. He managed to find a new spot there that made me moan even louder.
His lips returned to my mouth, demanding it to open for him again. His hands moved from my waist to cup my ass and he lifted me up against him. The instinct to wrap my legs around him was too strong. I lifted my legs and pulled him into me as I wrapped them around his middle. I could feel how much he wanted me through his jeans and my core thrummed to life. I rocked my hips into him, trying to show him how much I wanted him, too.
He seemed to get the message. He pressed me to the wall with a hard, hot kiss then carried me over near the bed. He brushed his lips across mine again. He stood me up and had my jeans unbuttoned with a flick of his thumb. He pushed them down as far as his arms allowed, and I shimmied out of them the rest of the way, kicking them to the wall. His hands moved up across the skin of my thighs, leaving a trail of fire in their wake. He continued moving his hands up and they found their way under my shirt. The feeling of his hands moving up my sides to my bra-covered breasts brought back to my mind the memory of how my clothes had come to be kicked all over his apartment the first time we had met. I couldn't help but smile.
