by Ria Cantrell
He knew he had to be careful at just what he divulged. He could not be certain, but he was pretty sure that the curse would stand if the lass did not come to love him on her own. If she knew that he needed her to seek his redemption, she may try to save him and all would most certainly be lost. While he wanted to tell her everything and truly get on with it once and for all, Derek knew that it had to happen without force or coercion. Truth be told, he did not really know what the actual rules were that had been imposed by the Guardians. He just knew that anything worth achieving would have to be naturally attained. He wondered how he had come to that conclusion. He could not remember doing so in the past and he certainly could not remember being so level minded back when he was truly a man. Besides, her pity was the last thing he wanted.
Kiera was watching him carefully. There seemed to be so many emotions warring on his face. For a ghost, he certainly was most expressive…and sexy. Did she mention sexy? She had to stop that line of thinking immediately. Clearing her throat she said, “Well, I had to wonder why you were destined to--”
“Ye’ mean cursed to walk the earth as something not quite man and not quite spirit?”
“Well, yes actually, yes. What in creation did you do to garner such a punishment? I am thinking it was something pretty horrible. And if it was, how much danger am I in having you here with me?”
A look of something akin to anger lit the eyes that seemed so very much alive in this energy before her. She really was not certain if she should be afraid or not at this point, but something made her stay her course and she said, “Well? Are you going to tell me?”
How could he tell her, really? Already, he could see that she was casting her own judgment on him and perhaps no amount of what he could say would change that. Her arms had folded across her chest and she had unfurled her beautiful shapely legs and sat at the edge of the chair. He felt something similar to that old familiar ire that had eaten at him most of his life. Here she was, a spawn of the MacCollum, casting judgment on him. He wondered if things would ever change, no matter how much time had passed. Campbell and MacCollum would never agree. He ignored the small voice in his head that reminded him that his sister had found her greatest love with a cursed MacCollum; the one called Rory, who was his most hated enemy…and that this girl before him held the key to unlock not only his prison of limbo but the prison he had built, brick by brick, around his heart.
He grumbled, “Ye’ dunna’ really want to know that, lass. No matter, really. I can see ye’ already have tried and convicted me.”
Suddenly, despite her beauty and her ability to see him, Derek wanted to be as far away from this wench as he could. Kiera watched as her spectral guest rose to his full height. He was massive, really. Though he looked angry and ready to do battle, Kiera really did not want him to go. Forgetting that he was not flesh and bone, she stood and reached out to grab his arm, for he looked nothing like a spirit as he stood before her, with his eyes blazing and his muscles tensed at the ready. Still, as her hand reached for him, it passed through him and dropped to her side. She balled her fist in frustration as her fingers touched nothing. “Damn it,” she muttered. When he saw her once again trying to touch him, only to clasp at his nothingness, he too felt her frustration. He shook off his anger and moved closer to her. Lifting a hand to her face, he cupped her jaw. He swore he could almost feel her. She, however, felt the cold tingling where his fingers seemed to press. Bloody hell, Arianne, let me touch her…he silently pleaded to the spirit of his stepmother. He knew it was her curse that kept him bound to this realm; denying him his humanity and manhood.
Kiera backed up. Her beautiful eyes had grown like big lipid pools and he, too, dropped his hand in frustration.
“Lass, I…I have not been a man ruled by honor.”
He watched as her eyes seem to widen further and she backed up another step.
“But I promise ye’, I willna’ hurt ye. What I have done was long ago, and I have not the will nor the ability to do that now.”
“What have you done? I need to know.”
“Perhaps my list of offenses are too numerous to tell,” he said sadly. They were immeasurable. He knew that now and he knew that if he told this girl all of what he had done, he may risk her hatred and ultimate rejection. He did not know if he was brave enough to risk that.
“Are you a murderer, rapist, thief? What? What am I dealing with here?”
Lifting his chin in proud defiance, Derek said, “I havena’ forced myself on any woman, Lass. I may not have seen to her pleasures, but they always came to me willingly.”
Great, a big medieval jerk who only sought his own satisfaction in bed. What a surprise. Jeez, how is it that no matter what century they were from, guys could be such assholes?
Derek watched the lass’ beautiful face change and she seemed to clamp down on her jaw. Well that certainly did not go well. He tried to offer her a sheepish grin and he said, “But I am sure if I had the chance again, I would please the lass first and probably make her want more.”
“Asshole,” she hissed. Derek raised an eyebrow at that expletive. It was not so different from one he knew from his time. “What else,” she ground out, becoming more impatient. “Did you murder….”
“Lass, I was a mercenary. I fought many battles.”
“So, it is safe to say that is a yes?”
“All soldiers have taken the lives of those before them in battle. I have done no less. But if ye’ mean have I taken a life off of the battlefield, the answer is no. Was I responsible for the death of an innocent?”
He paused. This was his day of reckoning. It was now time to tell the tale and clear his soul, once and for all. He thought about Caitlyn McLeod on that fateful day so long ago. Her death had sealed his fate and fostered the blood feud between Campbell and MacCollum. It ultimately sent his sister into the hands of the Highland Wolf himself. Just even thinking about Rory MacCollum, his most hated enemy sent the old hatred welling like poison inside of him. But, now it was time to atone for that wrong done so long ago if only in telling the truth of the tale.
Kiera waited, hoping his answer would be no, but his hesitation told her to expect the opposite.
“The answer is yes, Lass. Unfortunately the answer is yes.”
“But you said--”
“I know what I said. I was responsible for the death of a young woman, but I had no’ meant for it to be so. She was in the wrong place at the wrong time and an arrow meant for my foe struck her down. But I didna’ murder her willingly. Do ye’ believe me?”
The confession made Kiera feel sick inside. He had killed an innocent woman. She understood about war and knew that in his time, killing was a way of life, but she was not sure she could abide by the fact that he had killed a woman…an innocent woman, by his own admission. What should it matter now, she thought, but as she tried to put it out of her mind, Kiera was truly not sure she could. She took another step back and she whispered, “What else….”
Even though Derek still felt angry about her obvious judgment of him, he had to continue. He needed to continue.
“I fought for whoever paid me the most coin. My allegiance belonged to no man. Thus, I would gladly betray one to another for the highest bidder. I fought wherever the silver laced my pockets deepest.”
Oh my God! Not only was he a murdering letch, but he had no honor. He had no loyalty. How could she be sure he would not harm her, even if he had given his word? She ground out, “So you were no better than a whore.”
She knew those words would sting, but she could not seem to hold them back. He moved so suddenly, he knocked over the small end table beside him. He seemed positively livid by her verbal assault. As he saw her eyes smolder with anger of her own, he took a step toward her. When he saw her back up again, he knew that he was frightening her. He did not want to frighten her. He knew he had to reign in his ire and stop scaring the lass. He tried to tamp down his own anger and his shoulders sagged in defeat. Without the anger, th
e fight went out of him easily. She was right. He had been no better than a whore, bartering himself to the highest bidder. He took a step closer, only to have her back up again. She looked absolutely furious, which surprised him because, after all, what did it matter to her? It was not like he had done anything to her. Besides, it all had happened centuries in the past.
“Lass…Kiera,” he said her name softly. “It was a long time ago.”
Kiera did not want to succumb to the charm of his voice or the sound of her name on his tongue. She felt sick at his confession. She felt less effected by the fact that he had killed and prostituted himself for coin than by the statement of his faithless and selfish liaisons. That confession had struck a raw nerve more than his murdering mercenary ways. Faithless…by God were all men faithless? Did none hold fidelity as an ideal to aspire to?
“Stay away from me.”
“Lass, please let me explain.”
“I think you have said enough. You disgust me. It is no wonder you are forced to walk the earth for eternal punishment. I had thought to help you cross over, but I dare say, you should be forced to stay here another seven hundred years. Faithless selfish men…you are all alike.”
And there it was. She believed all men to be dishonorable. Granted, Derek had been in life, but he was supposed to be able to atone. Isn’t that what the MacCollum hag had promised? He felt the old injuries welling up inside him at this woman’s conviction and ultimate rejection. Something akin to his guts twisting caused him to wince again at the sardonic irony that the Guardians chose to play upon him. Not only was he destined to centuries of punished isolation, but his redemption was supposed to come at the hands of a girl who distrusted men; a girl who was sired from the lineage of the MacCollums. It was almost too much for him to take. With her arms protectively and defensively crossed again over her chest, Kiera spat, “I see temper is another one of your many attributes.” She nodded toward the overturned table.
He glanced over at the offended piece of furniture and he shrugged. That was the least of his worries at the moment.
“Kiera, do ye’ no’ believe a man can change?”
“You are not a man.”
“I may no’ be a man in the flesh, but I am still a man in spirit and soul. I tell ye’ I have changed…I am changed.”
With a stare that pinned him like his wayward arrow had pinned the McLeod lass to the tree, Kiera said, “What will you fight for Derek Campbell?”
He remembered hearing those words before. In fact, Caitlyn McLeod had spoken them, herself, to him upon him learning she too had been elevated to Guardian. What indeed! He wanted to murmur, “You, lass… I will fight for you,” but he knew that saying this now would never go over well. She would not believe him, anyway. She would think he was just filling her head with trite compliments.
Derek knew he would just have to show her. If only he could touch her and hold her, he would make her believe it where it counted the most…in her heart. Only, he could not hold her, nor could he touch her. He would have to make her believe it in some other way. He did not know when he had decided to fight for her, but fight for her he would. Suddenly, fighting for Kiera of the Clan MacCollum seemed like the most important thing he had ever decided to do. First, he would seduce her. He was not sure how he would succeed in doing that, but he was certain there was a way. He was less man and more spirit, so he had to think in terms of the spirit realm and what he knew about it beside his obvious state of being. Yes, he would fight for her and he would seduce her, for in the seduction, he felt he could win her heart and make her believe that he could be selfless and faithful. Winning her heart was suddenly the biggest goal he had ever set for himself.
He turned from her and began to leave. She said, “Wait, where are you going?”
Without looking at her, because looking at her this way made what was left of his heart ache in his chest.
“I think it best if I leave ye’ alone for a time.”
“But you can’t just leave. I mean, you just came back…and I…well, I need to learn more…”
Kiera did not want to admit that despite his horrible claims to his past, she had wished to see him and talk with him. She could not admit such a thing in her heart of hearts.
“Ye’ have learned enough for one day, Lass. I am sorry that I canna’ be some sort of hero to ye’. I am just a man…a very flawed man…but know this. A man can change. And a man will fight for the things that are important to him. I promise ye’ that.”
Kiera wished she could believe him, but as the reality of his words set in, her heart just sank. What was she thinking? She had romanticized his existence, likening him to a knight in shining armor. She had read too many romance novels where the heroes in times of old were honor bound. In actuality, more often than not, she realized they were brutal and lethal. They had to be to survive in those ancient times, she supposed. She did not know why it bothered her so much. After all, he was just an energy; not really a man. He was paying for the sins of the past in his separation of body in the physical plane. He was no better than that philandering piece of work she had been engaged to. No, he was worse actually. At that realization, Kiera felt defeated. Were there no men of honor? Not even from the distant past?
She watched him go, not saying another word to him. Somehow, watching him walk away from her made an ache form deep inside of her. She would have to tell Morag and Gavin that she had failed. She could not help this monster. She heard a silent voice argue, “You can help him, you just won’t. You had better pray that you don’t give cause to be judged as you have so harshly judged him.”
Grabbing her Kindle, and stuffing a pair of earphones in her ears, she tried to drown out her thoughts with some music. That and a glass of wine or two would blot out the words she wished she had never heard Derek say. Try as she might, she could not blot out her own words she had spoken to him as well as the ones sounding in her mind. After more than the two customary glasses of wine, Kiera took herself to bed and settled fitfully beneath the covers. The night was cool, so she did not bank the fire Derek had somehow started in the hearth for her. Wine induced sleep came quickly, even if it felt disturbed and restless.
Chapter 24
~ She was dreaming of him. She wanted to forget about him, at least during sleep, but he was there, sitting quietly in the corner by the fire. The light from the flames danced in his blue-green eyes. The shadows made the color of his eyes look like a wintery sea, but the amber flames lit the irises eerily. It caused him to look every bit of an otherworldly presence. Somehow, despite knowing that, Kiera was not afraid. She was drawn to him like a hummingbird to nectar and she came to stand before him.
“Am I dreaming?”
“Aye, lass. For if ye’ were not, ye’ would have scorned me again with that sharp tongue of yers.”
“Well, if I am dreaming, how can you reason with me?”
Raising an eyebrow, Derek answered, “I know not, lass. It is yer’ dream after all.”
“Since I am dreaming, can I touch you here in this world?”
“I would think so, lass. It is said in dreams the Spirits walk as solid as any man. Come,” he said, holding his hand out to her.
“I don’t want you here. I cannot condone the things you have done.”
He sighed sadly and said, “I know, but that which I have done is long past. I am not that man anymore, Kiera.”
She felt a chill tingle down her spine as he said her name. She was certain that somehow, the way he said it, was unlike any other. It made her resolve crumble like dried out clay. He was still holding out his hand and he stood, towering to his full height before her. He said, “What do I need to do to convince ye’ that I am no longer the monster ye’ wish me to be?”
Kiera’s mouth went dry. She did wish he was the monster of her conjuring, because then it was easier to not want him. She looked at him and saw she may have made the wrong wish. He was the most beautiful man she had ever seen. Kiera did not know how to answer hi
m. She only knew that she needed to touch him and if she could in this dream, she would allow herself that ethereal fantasy if only for one night. She realized in her dream-state that she had been drawn to him long before meeting him…in those other dreams that had come before. Tonight Kiera would allow the magic that took place between night and day to break the ties that kept them apart during the time when she was awake.
The breadth of his shoulders belied his strength in life. He must have been a force to be reckoned with. It felt like rocks were somehow lodged in her throat. This made the simple act of swallowing difficult. She could not think about the offenses of his past. Not now. He was what he was. Kiera could not change his past. She could only change his destiny.
Still, the way he looked at her, like he was consumed by her and not the other way around, tugged at her conscience. He was a product of his time. She really could not fault him for that, could she? She knew she should, but something about this dream made whatever will she had go out the window. She slowly moved closer to him. His eyes never left hers. When she got close enough to him, Derek reached out and tucked a stray lock of her thick hair over her ear. His fingertips brushed the side of her face. Was that tenderness in his gaze?
This time, she did not feel that icy chill that she had when he tried to touch her before, but she actually felt the warmth of his hand. Dear God in heaven, he felt alive and whole. He felt like a real man, not one made of mists and shadows. Kiera was moved visibly and without thinking any further she took his hand to her lips and kissed it. He was whole. He was real; very real. Raw emotions took hold of him at the touch of her lips on his palm. It seemed he too was having trouble speaking. Kiera stammered, “Are…are you alright?”
“Just a little overwhelmed, my love. It has been so long since I could feel the touch of another. I had nearly forgotten how wonderful it was to touch someone. I am glad that here, I can touch ye’…that ye’ are the one I can touch now.”
“Because it is a dream?”
