‘I think she’s mad taking on someone else’s kids,’ Evie said, relieved that her older sister – who’d always been so sensible – was now in trouble too. ‘Do you think he’s only marrying her because she’ll be cheaper than a nanny?’ she added, watching Alice for her reaction.
The same thought had crossed Alice’s mind but she wasn’t going to say that to Evie. She worried that perhaps Laura feeling so lost without her father was relieved to fall into the arms of such a dependable man as Douglas.
‘They seem very fond of each other,’ she said lamely.
‘Have you met them – the children I mean – I haven’t, being stuck here and having all my work to do.’
‘No. I’ve only met Douglas once, at that lunch. He seems…’ She racked her brains for some flattering description of him.
‘He’s deadly dull,’ Evie said. ‘I’ve met him a couple of times, but he’ll look after her.’ Her mouth tightened and Alice thought she might add, ‘At least he’s marrying her,’ but she didn’t.
Dull though she thought Douglas was, she felt he could be relied upon and that’s what Laura seemed to need now her father had gone, but later, when the pain of his death became easier, would she become bored, wished she’d waited for someone more exciting?
‘I wonder what the children are like,’ Evie went on. ‘I think the older one is all right, but apparently there’s something wrong with the younger one, the boy.’
‘Something wrong?’ Alice’s heart dived. So-called ‘normal’ children, especially someone else’s, were hard enough to accommodate in a relationship, but surely so much worse if they had something wrong with them.
After a glass or two of wine, Douglas had opened up a bit more. His ex-wife, Thea, had fallen pregnant with Zara, their daughter, they’d married and tried to make a go of it, even having another baby – which led to a temporary reprieve though it didn’t last. They limped along until Thea had been offered a high-powered job with her firm in Hong Kong she’d taken it, leaving the children with their father and grandparents and seeing them when she could.
‘What exactly is wrong with the little boy?’ Alice asked again, wondering why neither Douglas nor Laura had mentioned it.
Evie shrugged, ‘Oh introverted, slow, something like that.’
Her words crushed her, how was she going to cope with all these dramas without Julian’s comfort and good sense?
4
‘So, have you test-driven any more glamorous cars complete with sexy men?’ Margot greeted Alice and Petra when they met at a restaurant in Covent Garden for lunch.
Alice was getting bored of the jokes and innuendo aimed her way after her test drive had become common knowledge. ‘No, but I might do it again. It gave me such a lift.’ She pulled out a chair and sat down next to Margot at one of the tables that were set up on the square on this sunny day in early May. Petra piled her shopping on one chair and sat down on another, complaining of the heat and how she wished she hadn’t put on a jumper, fanning her flushed face with her hand.
The three of them had known each other since school. They’d been through marriage, childbirth, divorce in Petra’s case, and widowhood in hers, and despite their teasing and occasional rows, they were firm allies against the world.
‘Take me with you, next time,’ Margot said.’ It’s not like you, I couldn’t believe it when I saw you speeding by.’
Alice laughed, ‘You sound like Laura, but it is like me. It’s just that Julian didn’t like risky sports and things. Perhaps it was an age thing.’
‘We’ve no idea what he was like before we knew him,’ Petra said, ‘for all we know he could have lived the most daredevil, rackety life before you met him, then when he fell in love with you, he calmed down.’
‘True.’ Anxiety sunk its teeth into her. Her mother had said the same thing and she’d briefly wondered about it, but she’d never seen that side of him. He was first and foremost a family man and he wanted to keep them safe. She needed him now, calm and reassuring, soothing away the bouts of anxiety that plagued her with Evie’s unfortunate pregnancy and Laura’s engagement. She went on quickly before either of them could throw up anything else unsettling, ‘I don’t know what came over me that day of the test drive. I’d just left Cecily and I was wishing Julian were here to be a support with Evie… I didn’t know about Laura’s engagement then.’
She took a mouthful of the wine Margot had ordered while they studied the menu. ‘Then as I passed the car showroom I suddenly remembered Frank Trevelyan and driving in his Bristol, ages and ages ago. Goodness knows why I thought of Frank then. I haven’t seen him for years.’
‘Ah, Frank.’ Petra went all misty-eyed. ‘Sad he left the country to live abroad, wasn’t long after your wedding, was it? I wonder what he’s up to now.’
‘I can’t remember. All I could think of at that time was Julian.’
Petra sighed, put her hand over hers. ‘And now he’s gone, and far too soon, he really was the perfect husband. The rest of us who’d married lesser mortals were deadly jealous. But, love, time’s marching on and you’re still young and very attractive, you ought to start dating again.’
‘Oh no,’ Alice gave a horrified laugh. ‘I don’t know how dating works today and I can’t image ever going to bed with anyone else, showing my body to someone new, especially now it’s not so young and slender any more.’
‘Dim the lights and lie down, the wobbly bits sort of disperse then,’ Petra giggled. Since her divorce, and perhaps before it, she’d had lots of lovers, none that stayed long and usually men discarded by their wives because of some unfortunate trait – drink or trouble with finance or a mental condition, all things Alice felt were hardly fair exchange for a steamy interlude.
‘You’ll change your mind if you meet someone you fancy,’ Petra said knowingly. ‘But don’t use Evie’s baby as an excuse to stay hiding at home’
‘Cecily said the same thing… about the baby. Don’t worry, I won’t do that, and I’ve got Laura’s wedding to think about.’ Anxiety clawed at her again. ‘I only hope she’s doing the right thing.’
‘Who’s to know?’ Margot poured more wine. ‘We all started off with such hopes, didn’t we? You had a happy marriage though, which makes it worse that it was cut short too soon. I’m sure you’ll find new things to do now with your life. It’s a kind of freedom, it has its compensations.’
Alice said nothing. Margot and her husband, Glen, seemed happy enough, but she never said much about her marriage so none of them really knew.
A troupe of colourful acrobats leapt and cartwheeled on the square before them.
‘I’d like to try paragliding,’ Alice said to change the subject. ‘I always wanted to do it when we went skiing and people jumped from the mountains. Julian went on about the statistics of accidents and I knew if I did it, it would put him through unnecessary torment. But now he’s gone, I could try it, what do you think?’ She regarded her friends; they’d weathered well since they’d met as shy little girls starting school for the first time.
‘But you still have children and soon grandchildren, you don’t want to put yourself in any danger. Imagine if you paralyse yourself or something,’ Margot said.
‘You sound just like Julian,’ Alice laughed. Margot hated sport – ‘makes me feel sick’ she used to say at school, though now she had a personal trainer and did Pilates – and perhaps more exciting things – with him on her living room carpet.
Petra said, ‘As you know, I love travelling, perhaps we could go on some weekend breaks together?’
‘Yes, that would be fun.’ Alice was not sure she wanted Petra as a travelling companion; her interests were usually confined to checking out the local male talent.
They watched two of the acrobats holding on to each other and rolling along the ground like a wheel.
‘Since driving that car I feel like doing more exciting things: spending the night in a mountain hut before getting up at dawn to ski, travelling to places I’ve
never been to, having my own gap year.’ Alice laughed, feeling a little foolish. ‘I can’t explain it really. Put it down to middle-aged madness.’
Petra smiled, ‘Most people I know – and I’ve read articles about the over sixties – not that we are nearly there yet,’ she added hastily, ‘want to jazz up their sex lives. Look at those books on bondage that are selling in shedloads.’
‘Yes but how many cookery programmes are watched on television and cookery books sold yet no one seems to cook these days,’ Alice said. ‘Perhaps those books are a substitute for the real thing, but Julian is all I want in that department.’
‘Never say never,’ Petra said. ‘There’s no rule to say you can’t love someone else, it doesn’t cancel out your love for Julian.’ She flinched as an acrobat twirled beside her, his leg extended, skimming her head, his goblin face smiling wickedly at her.
Alice shrugged; falling in love again herself was the very last thing on her mind. Her daughters’ affairs occupied that space, and look at the problems they were causing.
‘But Frank. It’s funny how you suddenly thought of him like that outside the car showroom. None of us have heard of him for ages.’ Margot glanced at Petra, who often kept tabs on the most attractive men.
‘Don’t look at me,’ Petra said, ‘I haven’t seen or heard a whisper of him either. It seems he’s disappeared into thin air. Probably married with lots of children.’
‘Perhaps Julian was sending you a sign to prove that you do have the strength to cope without him, Alice,’ Margot joked to ease the atmosphere.
Alice remembered that she had asked Julian for strength as the passed the showroom, but it was romantic madness to imagine he’d sent her a message reminding her of driving with Frank in his glamorous car, especially as she’d barely thought of him for years.
5
‘You don’t much like Douglas, do you, Mum?’ Laura accused her almost as soon as she came into the house and the front door was shut behind her. She dropped her bag on the hall table, pulled a packet out of it and thrust it at her. ‘Bought you a scarf, there were masses in the market, but it’s pretty, I’ll have it if you don’t like it.’
‘I’m sure I’ll love it, you have such good taste.’ Alice unwrapped it; wishing Laura didn’t run herself down so much. She’d become so much worse since her father was no longer here to bolster her up.
Alice hadn’t seen her since that infamous lunch over three weeks ago when she’d first met Douglas. Douglas and Laura had taken advantage of the children being with their mother on one of her brief visits and snatched a quick holiday together. She’d chatted with Laura on the phone, though both were obviously careful not to antagonize the other.
‘It’s perfect, thank you, darling. It will go with so many of my things.’ Alice held the scarf up against her blue shirt, before knotting it round her neck and tucking the ends into the front. It was made of a rose pink material, edged in matching lace and looked very pretty. She kissed her daughter and, hoping Laura would forget her question about liking Douglas, went on, ‘So how was the holiday? Did you have a good time? I’m longing to hear all about it.’
Laura flung herself down on the sofa, ‘Yes, it was quite hot but we swam a lot and…’ She paused, fixed Alice with a determined look. ‘But tell me what you think about Douglas. I just feel you… well you weren’t your usual welcoming self when he came here to meet you for lunch.’
‘I’m sorry you feel that, darling, but I was quite stressed about Evie’s news. I don’t think she realizes that a child is a lifelong commitment and having one with a man who is so irresponsible, not to mention being another woman’s husband is a serious undertaking.’ She struggled to explain. ‘And you did rather spring your news on to me, but I like him, not that I know him very well… after only one meeting.’ She hoped she sounded sincere; it was difficult to enthuse over the man she’d thought dull, and her worry that in time Laura would think so too.
It wasn’t as if she didn’t want her daughters to find love and have families of their own, just not with the people they’d chosen. But she could not say any of this, especially to Laura, without causing an emotional crisis.
‘I missed your father being there, both of us meeting your future husband together,’ Alice said.
‘Well he’s not,’ Laura said. ‘I want him here too, but we’ll have to get on without him.’ She studied her nails intently, her eyes glazed with tears.
‘We will, but… tell me about your holiday. You look wonderful, all tanned and rested,’ she went on, changing the subject before Laura could come up with more ways her mother had let her down when meeting her fiancé.
‘We spent most of the time on the beach. I told you all about it when I rang.’ Laura sounded impatient as if she didn’t want to be sidetracked from the matter she’d come to discuss.
Alice sat down beside her on the sofa and said gently, ‘You must admit, darling, that the news of your engagement came as quite a shock. It’s not at all like you to produce your fiancé without even hinting about him beforehand. You used to bring the men home you were interested in. Why haven’t we… I seen him before?’
‘I… I know this sounds weird, but I too wanted Dad to be there… so I kept putting it off, and also Douglas wanted his children to get used to the idea. We both agreed if they hated the idea we’d put it off for a while. Anyway…’ Laura gave a tiny shrug of hopelessness that clutched at Alice’s heart. ‘Douglas was there for me when I most needed him, you and Evie were so unhappy, as I was, and Douglas was not involved, he was outside it all. Do you understand, Mum?’ She turned to her in anguish.
‘Yes, I do.’ Alice hugged her. The three of them had been so locked up in their own grief and anxiety over Julian’s sudden deterioration and death it was difficult to reach through the deluge of their own pain to comfort each other. Douglas may well have been just the person Laura needed then and Alice was glad he’d been there for her, but did she really want to be with him for life and take on his children, one of which was meant to have ‘something wrong’ with him?
‘Now we’re back you must see him again and meet the children,’ Laura went on.
‘Of course, let’s make a date, but… I… I am a little worried about him having children. That’s quite a lot to take on at your age, you are only twenty-four, darling, and really you have no experience with children.’
‘You don’t say that about Evie, and she’s two years younger than me and having Nick’s child who’ll have dozens of half-brothers and sisters scattered about the place.’
‘I’m not comparing you, I…’
‘Your generation are never happy about your children. Half of your friends moan that they’ll never become grandparents as their daughters seem so set on their careers and their sons don’t want to commit, and here you are with three grandchildren already, or you will have when Evie’s baby’s born, and you’re not happy either,’ Laura grumbled.
Alice gave up. There was some truth in Laura’s remark and it was wishful thinking to expect one’s children to marry a lovely person who gelled well with the whole family and have angelic, perfect children and everyone live happily ever after. Only princesses in fairy stories did that, and anyway their stories finished on the wedding day so no one knew if their marriages worked out or not. With social values so different today, family set-ups came in all sorts of shapes and sizes, and if Alice didn’t accept it she could lose her children and that was the last thing she wanted.
‘I only want you to be happy, darling,’ Alice said weakly.
‘You must get to know the children.’ Laura got up and paced the room. ‘Douglas could bring them here, my flat’s too small and his… well it would be better here, they need to get to know here. Tea’s best, they have so many allergies that a cooked meal could be difficult.’
Her heart sank, but this is how it was going to be and she must accept it if she wanted to keep her daughter in her life.
‘Whatever you think best, the supermar
kets are stuffed with more kinds of foods than we had when I was a child, but most of it appears to be poisonous – threatening obesity, cancer, heart problems and all. If you tell me what they’re allergic to, I’ll try and avoid it, though you know I’ll bake most of it myself,’ Alice said.
Her children and, as far as she could remember, their friends were never plagued with food allergies. She’d read the occasional article about it and it seemed that the lives of today’s children were in constant danger from nuts, eggs, honey and all sorts of food that her generation and Laura’s ate without a care.
‘I didn’t know about it before. Douglas’s mother, Elspeth, drilled it into me as if I had to pass an exam.’ Laura sighed. ‘There’s quite a list.’ She picked up a photograph on the table beside her and studied it. Julian had it taken by a roving photographer of them all on holiday a few years ago, happy and content together, blissfully unaware about the tragedy about to shatter their lives.
‘That’s another person to meet.’ Alice didn’t like the sound of her fellow grandparent, the real grandmother who’d probably not welcome a step-grandmother with her lackadaisical methods of childcare. ‘What’s happened to Douglas’s father?’
‘Oh, he’s been dead for ages. Couldn’t wait, I’d have thought. Douglas’s mother’s so difficult, not like you with lots of friends, going out and things. She’s miles older than you are anyway, and her house is so clean and tidy you don’t like to ask for a coffee, or even sit down and dent the cushions, not like our house.’ Laura waved her hand at an untidy pile of newspapers and magazines waiting for Alice to go through them before she chucked them out.
‘Dull women have immaculate houses,’ Alice quoted from one of the magnets scattered over the front of her fridge, though looking round the cluttered room she thought she’d better have at least a small tidy up before Douglas came again.
Mothers and Daughters Page 4
