by Carol Devine
The distant murmur of Meg’s voice reached Jack when he was halfway up the stairs. He’d come to move out the rest of his clothes and immediately halted, not wanting to disturb her. By the sound of it, she was reading Katie a story.
Her bedroom door must be wide open. Now that he had stopped moving, he heard Meg’s voice clearly, heard the turning of the pages. The book was by Dr. Seuss. The story featured Horton the elephant. Helped by the rhyming rhythm of the words, Katie was reading it herself, going on for sentences at a time. Pride swelled him. He could see them in his mind’s eye, sitting in the rocker together, Katie holding her rabbit, underlining every word with her finger.
She rarely sucked her thumb anymore. She’d really grown up in the last year.
He heard them finish the end together, heard the closing of the book and Meg’s murmur that it was time to go to sleep.
“Mommy, do you love Daddy?” Katie asked.
He gripped the banister, knowing he should retreat. This was a private conversation. But when Meg answered, he couldn’t move.
“Yes, I do, sweetheart. I love Daddy very much.”
“Is that why you married him?”
“That’s one reason. Jack loves you, too. That’s another reason.”
“He sure gives me lots of presents.”
“It’s hard for him to say how much he loves you. So he gives you presents instead.”
“Does he give you presents?”
“Yes, he does.”
“Like what?”
“Well, he gave me this ring. It means he loved me enough to marry me.”
“Will he give me a ring someday?”
“Not a wedding ring. That’s for when people get married. But maybe another kind of ring, as a present, when you’re older.”
“How old do you have to be?”
“Not any age in particular.”
“How old to get a wedding?”
Meg laughed, the sound tinkling softly like ice in a glass. “How old do you think, Katie?”
“Old enough to have a baby?”
“Older than that. Taking care of a baby is a big job for anybody. It’s important to finish school. It’s important to have a job. It’s important to get married before the baby comes, too, because both the mommy and the daddy have to work together and help each other take care of it.”
“Is that what you and my first daddy did?”
“Yes, Katie. We did our best to help each other.”
“Do you miss him?”
“Yes.”
“Me, too. I want to go see him in the place he died.”
“You mean the cemetery?”
“Uh-huh. I want to put some flowers there.”
“All right. We’ll make it a point to stop there tomorrow.”
“Will my new daddy come with us?”
“I don’t know. You’ll have to ask him.”
“He doesn’t like my first daddy, does he?”
“I don’t know about that, Katie. He never met your first daddy.”
“Who do you like better?”
“Of your two daddies? Oh, Katie, I can’t choose like that.”
“Why not?”
“I love them both. What about you? Can you choose between them?”
“I like my first daddy best.”
“Why?”
“He loved me best.”
“Even though he didn’t give you lots of presents?”
“He told me he loved me. And he answered all my questions, Mommy.”
“Your new daddy doesn’t do that?”
She must have started crying then, for Meg made a soothing sound and he heard Katie sob.
Backing down the stairs, Jack went out of the house. He stood in the front for a while, noticing the flowers that bloomed there. Flowers Katie and Meg had planted.
He walked around and saw more. Both of them loved flowers.
He went inside and picked up the phone and dialed a number he used often when he was a swinging single. This time he ordered three big bouquets. One for Meg, one for his mother and one for Katie to lay on Allen’s grave.
Then he returned upstairs, making some noise so Meg would know it was him. Katie’s door was ajar. He looked in. She was asleep.
He heard the shower running and wandered down the hall to the bedroom he used to share with Meg.
The door was open, but the door to the bathroom was closed. He turned the knob, but it was locked.
He thought about picking the lock. He thought about Meg standing naked in the shower, and how he wanted to stand under the spray with her and make himself clean.
If only he could.
Ten
Meg had the look of a girl today. Though the temperature was chilly for late May, she wore a sleeveless lemon yellow dress that matched the brilliance of the sun. Surprised to see her playing with Katie in full view of the usual throng of paparazzi camped at the gate, Jack went to investigate.
Meg had to be up to something. It wasn’t like her to expose Katie to the public eye. But she and Katie appeared not to have a care in the world.
An old-fashioned wooden swing hung from the biggest branch of one of the majestic old oaks that lined the drive. Seating Katie on the swing, Meg gave her a push. Katie squealed in delight, making Meg laugh. God, how he missed that sound.
Meg saw him and greeted him with a lively wave as though she was, actually glad to see him. “I wondered where you were.”
He nodded toward the snapping lenses. “Where else would I be with the morality police at our door?”
“I was thinking about having a little talk with them.”
“What about?”
“Us.”
She was smiling, which eliminated any topic related to “us” he could think of, and he told her as much.
“I don’t know about that, Jack.” She dropped to the ground and leaned back on her arms, squinting up at him. “I happen to think it’s time the world knew who Katie’s biological father really is.”
Nonreaction was a useful skill in moments such as these, moments where he felt like his heart would beat right through his chest. Checking to make sure Katie was well out of earshot, he stood over Meg, his expression calm, his tone conversational. “When were you planning this little confession fest?”
“Katie should be told first, don’t you think? Then our families, and finally, the public.”
“How nice of you to think of Katie first.” His voice dripped with sarcasm.
“I’d like you to be there with me. I may need help getting the story out. I’ll certainly need your moral support.”
Moral? Him? He snorted in disbelief. “If you think I’m going to support you on this, you’re crazy.”
“Tarkenton Goes to the Loony Bin. How’s that for a headline?”
“Are you trying to get a rise out of me in front of our friends at the gate? Because it’s not going to happen.”
“No, Jack. I’m perfectly serious.”
Unbelievably, she looked perfectly serious, too. “I won’t let you do this.”
“I don’t want to lie anymore.”
“It’s not a lie. We’re simply holding something back, something that is no one’s business but our own.”
“I happen to disagree.”
“What about your mother, your sister and brothers? Don’t you see what this will do to them, how this will hurt them and you?”
“They’ll forgive me.”
There was that gravity again, that complete and utter belief that everything would turn out fine. “Forget your family, then,” he retorted. “What about mine? My mother will kill me for keeping this from her. If Amanda doesn’t do the same, Bram certainly will. Is that why you’re doing this? Because if you’re trying to use Katie to get back at me, you will know hell, and I’ll be the one to send you there.”
“You’re completely against it. I get the message.”
“No, I don’t think you do. I want to hear you swear on all you hold dear that you wil
l keep your mouth shut.”
“I’m sorry, Jack, but I can’t do that. I have to do what I think is right.”
“You’ll destroy Katie.”
“You know that isn’t true.”
“Look, Meg, you want to crucify me for being a jerk, fine. You have the right. I’m an adult. I can take it. Katie can’t.”
“She’s not a baby, Jack. She needs to know the truth.”
“What truth? That you and I screwed our brains out one weekend and she was the result?”
“I would never put it that crudely.”
“No matter how many pretty ribbons you tied around it, there is only one conclusion that she will reach. She wasn’t planned. She wasn’t wanted. The tabloids will never let her forget it, either. Why would you want to hurt her like that? Why would you want her to know—” He broke off, sickened by the realization that Katie would know what he did. He had abandoned her deliberately, for years.
“The secret will come out sometime, Jack. Secrets like these always do. Our families deserve to hear it from us first.”
“After what we’ve told them, do you actually think they are going to believe that five years ago you had an affair with me?”
“They’ll believe me if you back me up. Will you?”
It was a simple-enough question. The undercurrents, however, ran deep. Meg didn’t seem to realize that if she told the truth, what little peace they had found would be destroyed. “Is this some kind of test?” he demanded. “It is, isn’t it? You want me to stand up and say I seduced you.”
She drew back, astonished. “Is that really what you think—you seduced me?”
“What’s your version of events?”
“I decided that if I was going to lose my virginity, I wanted to do it with someone experienced. My goodness, Jack, I was doing my darnedest to seduce you. I will admit, I was a little drunk—”
“Meg, you were plastered.”
“I was not,” she refused with great dignity. “I had two glasses of wine. After dinner you and I went for a walk. We kissed. By that time, I knew exactly what I was after. I remember you drank quite a lot, though.” She dimpled. “It must have been before that famous story about you and the Betty Ford Clinic hit the stands.”
“I can’t believe you’re bringing up some asinine story in some asinine news rag. I barely got you into the hotel room before I attacked you.”
“We attacked each other. That’s how I remember it.”
“Then your memory is damned faulty. I used you, Meg. And don’t expect me to sit by while you tell our families about it, either. I’ll file for divorce if I have to.”
“I have to tell the truth, Jack, with your support or without it.”
“What kind of mother are you?”
He scored a direct hit on that one. She lifted her chin. “A good one.”
“I knew you were self-righteous, but what you’re talking about is downright sick. Insane. And I will go that far if I have to, Meg. I’ll have you declared mentally incompetent. I’ll have you put away. You’ll never see Katie again.”
“Losing a mother is a terrible thing for a child to endure,” she replied. “It might even rank right up there with losing a father.”
“Don’t bring my father into this, dammit. This is about you and me, Meg. It’s always been about you and me. It’s enough that we know the truth. Don’t let it hurt Katie. Don’t let the stink of it mess up her life. Once the tabloids get wind of it, they will make how she was conceived seem sordid and wrong. Allen is the one who deserves to be her father.”
“Katie has no reason to feel ashamed. She had no control over how she was conceived. It’s you and I who carry the responsibility for the circumstances of her birth. Maybe it’s hard for you to believe, but I thank God every day for how we came together, Jack. Sure I’m not proud of lying to my family about it. But there is no doubt in my mind that Katie was meant to be, that she came from something good, something you and I found in each other. Maybe it’s not enough to sustain our marriage over the long term. But I’m not going to pretend it doesn’t exist.”
She claimed to care what he thought, but she wasn’t listening to a word he said. He wanted to strangle her. He jammed his hands in his pockets instead. “You want to do this? Fine. But you have to tell your own family first.”
“Will you be there with me?”
“I’ll be there,” he said, grating out the words. “But I won’t be with you. I’m not going to let you drop this little bomb on people and walk away clean.”
She visibly paled. Good, he thought. He hoped he’d put the fear of God in her. He hoped she’d thought long and hard about what she was contemplating, and came to her senses very soon. He didn’t want to think about what he would do if she didn’t. The last thing Katie needed was to think he hadn’t wanted her. He hadn’t cared enough to come forward in the beginning.
“It’s going to take some time to get everyone together,” she said.
Hallelujah, he wanted to say. He headed for Katie and gave her a big push instead.
Even when Meg made the phone calls to gather her family together and flew her mother into JFK, Jack truly believed that in the end, her courage would falter. She’d never go through with her plan.
The reason why she was going to such lengths was because she needed proof of his undying love and affection.
The day before the official gathering, Meg informed him that not everyone could make it. Zach, her youngest brother, and his wife, Sarah, were overwhelmed with the late-spring demands of their Wyoming ranch. Meg’s middle brother, Joe, was off in the wilds of Alaska somewhere, and her sister, Elizabeth, had already used up her vacation time coming out for all the events that had taken place the past year.
That pared the numbers from the Masterson clan down to two: Meg’s mother and Bram. Unfortunately, Amanda showed up on her husband’s broad arm, insisting she was a Masterson, too. And of course she was. Amanda had appointed herself to keep track of any and all family happenings on both sides of her family.
But Jack was surprised by the arrival of his mother.
It turned out Mary Masterson had mentioned it to her, apparently misunderstanding that the invitation had been extended only to her side of the family.
Ready to call a halt to the proceedings, Jack saw how the sight of his mother made Meg nervous as well. It then occurred to him the august presence of the one-and-only Eleanor Tarkenton might very well work to his advantage.
These four people were the core of their combined families, the ones Meg loved and respected the most.
They trooped down the hall and into the library. He’d insisted upon this room rather than one near the west wing where Katie was safely asleep. They gathered around the coffee table that centered a grouping of sofas and chairs.
Bram held a bottle of beer. The women balanced teacups on their knees, courtesy of the bone china tea set Meg had laid out herself. Why women dragged out the china in times of crisis, he didn’t understand, but he figured such a civilized atmosphere promoted civilized discourse. He was there to guarantee it.
He experienced a mild sense of shock when Meg first used the word sex.
More than shock hit him when Meg confessed to deliberately wanting to seduce him. She then supplied enough details to establish just where and when the affair had taken place, making it graphically clear that Katie was conceived at Bram and Amanda’s wedding. Allen Betz was not Katie’s father. Jack Tarkenton was. Meg said it that way, too, as if he wasn’t sitting right there beside her.
Amanda paled and looked straight at him, her mouth grim. His mother stared down at her tea.
Jack had ignored such looks before. He ignored them now. But when Bram reached to take Meg’s trembling hands, Jack put a possessive arm around her. For she was still talking. And she was telling the truth about everything.
Except she was trying to make light of it, trying to lessen the look of disbelief that crossed her mother’s face when she explained that the af
fair went on over the entire weekend.
No one at the table congratulated her, however. It didn’t look like they were particularly proud, either, especially when she confessed that she hadn’t been responsible about birth control, and Katie was conceived.
That’s when Meg broke down. She wept and told them how sorry she was for lying to them. She hadn’t wanted to burden them with her problems. That’s why she married Allen. She didn’t feel she could go to any of the Tarkentons because she was afraid if the news got out, Katie would forever be branded illegitimate.
Jack flinched at the word. Illegitimate. It wasn’t possible for him to have an illegitimate child. In his world, there were no accidents. He didn’t believe in twists of fate. When it came to birth control, he was entirely and utterly responsible. He had to be. Women of all ages had thrown themselves at him since adolescence. As the famous son of an infamous man, he’d been a target for social and political climbers all his life.
He’d always taken precautions. He practiced safe sex with the fervor of the religious. But for some inexplicable reason, he hadn’t practiced it with Meg.
How many days had he paced his New York City apartment when he returned from the wedding, arguing with himself? So what if he was careless? So what if she stayed on his mind? It didn’t matter that he promised to call her, not when she was gullible enough to take him at his word. He wasn’t about to break his most cardinal of rules. The last thing he wanted was to get involved with anyone, especially a woman like her.
She didn’t meet his usual standards. The rule was that he only slept with women with equal or greater sexual experience. Older women were best. They knew the score.
Meg had the smarts and sophistication of an older woman, but it was her education in France that gave her that polish. If he had any idea of the full extent of her innocence, he never would have gotten within ten feet of her. He certainly never intended for Meg to get pregnant. Such a concept didn’t make sense. Ever since he’d reached adulthood, he’d made a career of shattering any and all expectations that might be required of him.
Meg wasn’t different. He didn’t love her. He didn’t love anyone except Katie. Meg was merely the mother of his child.
