by Carol Devine
Her inability to confide in him only worsened her sense of isolation. They had always been honest with each other. But she didn’t know what he was thinking anymore. He treated her with surprising affection, even respect, and it wasn’t only in public. But the love he claimed to feel was absent. At least it felt absent to her.
She had to accept the fact that Jack simply wasn’t capable of loving her the way she wanted. The love of connection and partnership existed only in her mind—the mind of an incurable romantic.
Well, she definitely was cured now. She just had to concentrate harder on the healthier parts of their relationship. Like how wonderful he was with Katie. And his ability to compromise. The attention he focused on them was as lavish as it was genuine. Patience had become one of his virtues. He really was trying as hard as he could.
When she saw how good he looked in his tuxedo it struck her again that romance was a sad thing to lose. It would have been fun to say, Remember when? Remember what happened when we last wore these clothes?
Except nothing happened on their honeymoon. It had all happened at Amanda and Bram’s wedding.
Their affair had been elemental, primal. Even now, it felt like something she’d conjured from the stuff of fantasies. From the moment he’d whispered in her ear, she felt different. She had acted different, too. She had taken full advantage of the fact that she looked far older than she was. That evening she acted far older, too. She never felt innocent with Jack. He’d brought out something deeper in her, something mature.
Her school chums had described how they lost their virginity enough times for her to know what to expect. She may not have experienced everything, but after five years of living on her own abroad, she certainly wasn’t naive. The fear of the uninitiated she hid well. Jack had been a masterful teacher, even if he didn’t realize he was playing the role. She had been that willing a student.
He was the safest man she’d ever met. Brother to her brother’s wife, he represented the forbidden. Like most artists she’d studied, the forbidden lured the creative with a freedom of expression all its own.
He’d made her laugh with wickedness. He made her drink, too, both wine and the glee of his smile; she’d become drunk enough to sing, even when there was no music. The first time he kissed her, in fact, was to keep her from being too loud. He didn’t want them to be overheard. That’s when he opened her to a whole new world.
She’d give anything to have those days of discovery back, those days and nights she spent in a hotel room with a man spun from fantasy and her most romantic of dreams. Jack spoke to her in the language of love, and she was instantly transported to her second home. She had the veneer of the cultured and sophisticated, and she thought she knew exactly what she wanted.
She wanted to give him a night to remember, to reignite the flame that burned so passionately between them. Was that so hard? He had said he loved her, in front of all those reporters. But he’d built another wall around himself, and now she had to break through it. She could do it if she tried, if she remembered that with their wedding clothes came their wedding night. She’d ready herself over the course of the evening, and once they got home...
“Edward is bringing the car around. Are you ready?”
“Yes.” She smiled at him and accepted the wrap he settled around her shoulders. He smiled, too.
“You look stunning,” he said.
“Thank you.”
“Shall we?”
He offered his arm. She nurtured that bit of anticipation, and put out of her mind the possibility that she was destined for heartache.
The limousine driver opened the door. She ducked and Jack assisted, then he walked around the car to get in on the other side. It was all quite normal. On some level, though, it felt new, and she told herself that things were different now, that her love for this man and their daughter would rule her from this moment forward.
“I have a surprise,” he said when he settled beside her.
“Really?” she asked neutrally, stopping the idiocy of hope that vibrated through her. She shouldn’t do that to him or to herself. He’d already given her everything he was capable of. She had to make that enough.
“We’ve been invited to a wedding.”
“Anyone I know?”
“Afraid so.” She felt a sense of déjà vu when he nuzzled her ear. “I want you to be my wife.”
Strangely moved by his manner, she was unable to puzzle out why. He had said these things before. “But I already am your wife.”
“It’s another ambush, Meg, one you can stop if you wish. Edward is completely at your disposal. Currently, he is driving us to a church. A priest will be there to conduct our wedding ceremony.
“Our wedding ceremony.”
“He will say the same vows we took before. We’ll repeat them like we did before. It’s simple.”
“Nobody else knows about this?”
“Edward might have an inkling. He knows we’re heading for a church.”
“An empty church.”
“It depends on what you mean by empty. At the very least, you, me, the priest and God will be there.”
She put her hand to her chest, touched the simple gold cross she wore. “Don’t tease me like that.”
“I’m not teasing. I’m prepared to give you my solemn vow to love you and keep you for the rest of my life.”
“But we already said those vows. We’re already marned.”
“Not before God, we’re not.”
“So now you’re telling me you believe in God?”
“Ah, Meg,” he said sighing. “You always manage to cut right to the heart of the matter.”
“To stand up and lie before God is a sin, Jack. For you to suggest that I do it...” She shook her head. “I can’t. I won’t.”
“Would it be a lie?”
“It isn’t fair to ask me that question. Not when you haven’t answered it yourself.”
“You’re right. But the real question is, will you believe what I say?”
“Of course I’ll believe you—” she stopped short. He was right. She didn’t believe much of anything he said anymore. Not really and truly.
She looked away and swallowed hard. Was this what happened when couples felt they had to divoice? Was it an inability to believe in each other? It was painful to look at someone you loved and know you didn’t trust him.
Yet she had trusted Allen, and she hadn’t been able to conjure up for him the strong feelings she had for Jack. Allen went to church with her every Sunday, too.
Was she so different? Was she any less human, any less afraid to stand before God and admit what lived in her heart?
“Why now?” she asked quietly.
“The truth is, I’ve been able to think clearly without the distraction of constantly putting the moves on you. I understand what I want now and what I hope to achieve. I’m ready to fight for you with everything I’ve got.”
“But what if we don’t believe in the same things?”
“What if we do?”
“We might not always. People change.”
He brought her hand up and kissed the back of it. “I don’t have a crystal ball. I can’t see into the future anymore than you can. What I can tell you is that I’ve decided to look forward rather than back. Whether you want to call it God, fate or destiny, the game of life doesn’t come with any guarantees. Them’s the rules.”
“Is everything a game to you?”
“If it is, I want you on my side. You’re my ringer. You’ve seen the worst, you’ve seen the best, or will, if you join me in holy matrimony.”
“That’s just it. Will it be holy?”
“I promise to try. You’re the one person I can’t lie to. You and God. And I can’t control the two of you, either. It scares the hell out of me.”
“I scare you?”
He looked out the tinted window. “Sure. You might decide to turn me down. You might take Katie and leave. Even if you stay, something terrible could
happen. There might be an accident. Either you or Katie could die. Much as I love you, I can’t save you. I can’t save anyone. I can’t be my father, either.”
“You want to be your father?”
He gave her a bittersweet smile. “It’s a hard thing for me to face. I’m supposed to be the chosen one. I’m supposed to climb every mountain and right every wrong. When I discovered I didn’t have that power, it was a rather humbling experience. I hate to lose. I decided I’d rather not be like him at all than louse it up. The last thing I wanted was to tarnish the legacy he left behind. But I have more secrets, Meg. I find them extremely hard to confess. Especially to you.”
“More secrets?” She held more tightly to her cross then.
“I’m rather proud of them, actually.”
“Proud?” She literally gulped. “Dare I ask why?”
“Dare I tell is the question. The hard part for me is admitting I have a good side as well as a bad side. It’s easier to be bad. People don’t expect much from me then. But that’s about to change.”
“Change how?”
“I’ve already instructed my assistant to send out press releases announcing what I’ve been up to these past few years. It’s been one of my secrets, you see. Which means we’ll have more than the usual crowd outside the gates tomorrow. I wanted to prepare you for that, Meg, no matter what you say about renewing our vows.”
“I have to know what this secret is about?”
“Remember the foundation to promote world peace that my father started? Well, I’ve started a foundation as well.”
“What kind?”
“A children’s foundation. But I’ll tell you all about that later. Right now, I don’t want it to be a factor in the decision I’ve asked you to make I don’t want you to stand and take these vows unless you truly believe in me. I need to hear you say you love me for who I am, not for what I do.”
“I can’t believe this is happening. You’re making me cry. You should have told me to bring tissues. I’m going to look awful for my own wedding.”
“Why would you need tissues when your trusty husband always carries a handkerchief?”
He blotted her tears himself. “Your beauty has nothing to do with the way you look, Meg. It’s the way you are.”
That really got her bawling. How could he do this to her? She felt foolish and hopeful and scared. Was it real?
He kept dabbing at her face with such concern, she kissed him, and suddenly she wanted to make love right there in the car. He knew it, too. He teased her by breathing heavy and wagged a scolding finger at her, saying there was no way he was going to let her mess up his clothes.
He read her like a book. He always had. When she told him that, he let out a laugh that emanated from deep in his gut. She had never heard Jack laugh like that, deep, like he was really letting go. It leavened the tension between them. She gripped his hand.
Was there hope for them yet?
The parking lot of the church was empty and dark. It was darker inside. With only two of them, the minister didn’t want to illuminate the building. He didn’t want to risk drawing attention to a very public couple who desired to privately renew their vows.
Jack had thought of flowers, but not in the form of a traditional bridal bouquet. Instead, he settled a crown of white roses on her head. She pinned a matching boutonniere on his lapel.
They stood in the vestibule and tugged off their wedding bands, exchanging them for the ceremony. Jack had another secret, another gift to give, and he was nervous about his bride’s response to it. He didn’t fool with the black velvet box. He simply showed her the diamond ring, holding it up to sparkle in the candlelight. All he could think of to say were the simplest of words. “Will you many me?”
“Oh, Jack.” She smiled brilliantly in spite of her tears. “Yes.”
She held out her hand. He steadied it and slid the ring on. “Meg, I give this ring as a symbol of my full and abiding faith that we will be truly married.”
She spoke with special gravity. “I accept your ring with my full and abiding faith that we will be truly married.”
He clasped her hand. “I have one more secret, Meg.”
He gestured toward the shadows in the rear of the vestibule. Meg heard a girlish squeal of excitement, sweet and familiar.
Katie marched out in her flower girl best, holding Eleanor’s hand. “Grandma said you’d come soon. She said we have extra-special church tonight,” she announced with a great sense of importance.
“Not just church, Katie,” Jack answered, holding something behind his back. “I told Grandma I wanted to tell you what was happening at church tonight myself.” He presented a little basket filled with rose petals. “Your mother and I want you to be our flower girl.”
“Again?”
“Again.”
Katie’s eyes widened. “Is this church with a wedding in it, too?”
Meg knelt to hug her. “Yes, Katie. And I’m so glad you’re here to be a part of it.”
Katie grabbed Jack’s hand along with Meg’s, putting the two together. “Mommy, you be the bride. My first daddy will be the angel in heaven and my bi’log’cal Daddy will be the prince.”
Meg smoothed Katie’s hair and squeezed Jack’s hand. “Sweetie, I couldn’t agree more.”
Taking her little basket, Katie started the ceremony. Eleanor watched her from the front of the church, encouraging her on.
Candles marked every other pew and lit a path up the aisle. When the time came, Meg and Jack walked the path together, her hand tucked into the crook of his arm.
They met the priest at the foot of the altar. Katie and Eleanor stood nearby. One large unlit candle was set in the middle of the altar, while two smaller tapers were lit on either side.
Meg and Jack faced one another and, echoing the priest, spoke the same vows they had spoken before. They kissed when permission was given. The only part that was different was the lighting of the large candle in the middle of the altar.
Flame cast shadows on each of their faces as they tilted the tapers and brought them to light the wick of the marriage candle.
Once the lighting was done, they joined hands and blew out the flames, standing before the altar. Katie and Eleanor joined them and they thanked the priest, exited the church, climbed together into the limousine, and Jack told the driver to take them home.
“Katie’s asleep in her own bed and we’re alone in our own room, Meg,” Jack said to her later that night. “No one can see us.”
Meg pointed up at the ceiling of their bedroom. “He can.”
Jack appeared to find that rather amusing. “He’s seen us before, Meg. He’s been watching all along.”
She laid her hands on the shiny lapels of his tux. She wanted to think Jack’s words were true. She wanted this to work, wanted to believe that consecration had the power to heal their marriage.
Jack said he wanted the same things. She wasn’t sure if he believed in the same things she did, however. She searched his face and felt the warmth of his hands linked behind her, fitted to the small of her back.
If she went up on tiptoe she could reach his mouth and get them started. Kissing was easy, her mouth to his. Already her heart raced. She arched to fit her body to his. She knew what she wanted. She could feel how much he wanted it, too. They hadn’t been together for a long time.
“How about we start with a dance?” he asked.
“A dance?” Disappointment assailed her.
“Remember our song, the night we first met? Sing a few bars, will you?”
He started her swaying, but the silence was heavy between them and tunes weren’t what came to her mind. She started to cry.
“Hush, Meg.” He hugged her close. “It’s all right.”
“I want it to be good,” her voice broke. “Good as before.”
“Only better,” he whispered. “Like it means something.”
She cried harder and confessed the things that weighed heavy on her mind. Like
what if now wasn’t great, and what if they ended up hating each other and getting divorced. Or what if they hated each other and stayed married. Or what if something happened to Katie, or to him, or to her, even.
He listened with great seriousness, as if she was talking about the Holy Grail or something. He kept rubbing her back and feeding her tissues because his handkerchief had long been saturated.
She finished finally and smeared at her tears, feeling too juvenile to even look at him. That’s when he scooped her up and carried her to the bed.
He laid her down and lay beside her, fully dressed, though he flipped off his shoes. “What am I going to do with you, Meg?”
“Love me?”
“Aside from that.”
She got serious then. “Tolerate my insecurities.”
“I’m glad to hear you have them.”
She looked at him askance.
“In case by some miracle you hadn’t noticed, I’m not perfect, either.”
“Newsflash. Jack Tarkenton admits to imperfection.”
“You bet I do. It’s not easy living up to a man who is the paragon of the universe.”
“It’s not easy being a work of art.”
“I think I’m beginning to understand the forces underway here.”
Made easier by this foray into humor, she decided to be bold. She put her hand on the front of his trousers. “I’m ready. How about you?”
“Now, Meg. I’m trying to be a good boy, a model husband, angelic in the extreme. You are making a mockery of my conversion.”
“You already are good, Jack. Especially here, with me. It is sacred, what we have. It must be sacred, since it brought us together and made Katie.”
He took her hand and drew it to his heart. “Ready?”
That’s how they began, with her tracing the shape of a heart on his chest and burrowing her fingers between the studs he wore so she could reach his skin. Eventually, she lay open his shirt and laid down her head and listened to the thunder she found there.
He massaged the knot of nerves at the base of her neck and she melted, melted into the heat of his chest until he drew her up and they kissed for the first time since church.
