by Joyce Alec
Jane felt as if her feathers were rustled.
“So did you see this Lord Hays at the ball?”
Jane wondered if she should answer honestly. It was only because her sisters had made such a ridiculous slip of the tongue that she had spoken with the baron that she decided to tell the truth.
“I did, but only for a moment.”
She was not sure what else she should say, and so she waited for him to continue.
When he did not, she began to feel nervous, and therefore began to speak without much thought for what she was saying. “He apparently had seen you and I walking toward center of the ballroom to dance, and that was when you were intercepted by your butler. He told me what a shame it was that we were not able to dance.”
“Was that all?” Lord Greenshire inquired.
Again, she noticed that he was not angry, nor was he treating her as if she were a child who had misbehaved. However, an underlying hurt gave her pause.
“Because I heard from a few of my friends that the two of you were seen in a different room, away from the rest of the ball.”
The accusation was clear in his tone. It was as if he were waiting for her to deny it. And it was almost as if he wished she would.
She looked back over her shoulder at her sisters, who were still following behind them, but further away now.
She waved them away. Margaret noticed and gave her a questioning look.
Jane replied by nodding her head back toward the house.
Give us some privacy. Please.
Beatrice took the hint, for she grabbed Margaret’s hand and dragged her back toward the back terrace.
She looked up into the face of the man standing in front of her. He was indeed handsome in his fine clothes and bright eyes.
As she looked into his face, she realized, not for the first time, that he deeply cared about her. That was why he was so concerned about her behavior with another man.
“I did spend some time with him,” she continued quietly, gently. “We talked of the ball, of all the people…”
She swallowed hard as she remembered his flippant words, and it drew a forced smile to her face in order to hide it.
“Do you…” he began, and she saw as his jaw tensed. “Do you have feelings for Lord Hays?”
She felt her eyes widen, and her breath catch in her throat.
“I…” she began, and then immediately realized that she had said the wrong thing.
Lord Greenshire turned away from her, scratching his chin with his hand, his other hand on his waist.
She walked over to him.
I should have said no. You foolish woman, you should have said no.
“Lord Hays is a very agreeable man,” she began. “He is kind and –”
“He has taken great interest in you,” Lord Greenshire cut in. “And I worry that you have taken just as much of an interest in him.”
“Lord Greenshire,” she began, and he held up his hand.
“What of me?” he asked. “What are your feelings toward me?”
She could see the desperation in his face, hear it in his words.
She wanted to tell him how much she cared for him, soothe his fears with her reassurances. She knew that all it would take is a simple denial of anything she might feel for Lord Hays, and he could finish what he had come there to accomplish. She knew that he wished to propose.
“I admire you greatly,” she said. She was having a hard time thinking or forming words as his sad eyes looked into hers. How she wished she would just tell him. “I believe you to be an honorable man and a man of integrity.”
He laughed hollowly and shook his head. “You speak of my characteristics, and nothing of how you feel.”
She stammered for a moment, but he took a step back from her.
“I need to think,” he added, turning away from her, looking up the path that wrapped around to the front of the house. “I have much to think about.”
And with a simple nod of his head to her, he turned and walked away.
He did not even meet her eyes.
“Wait, Lord Greenshire!” she called after him, but he would not look back at her. “Please, come back!”
She watched him until he turned the corner, and then she collapsed onto her knees.
What had she done? She had done everything wrong in those few moments with him when everything should have gone well and have gone right.
She already knew the disdain she would receive from her father as he would surely see Lord Greenshire leave. She knew the theatrical sobbing that her mother would subject her to. Her sisters would tease her, and she would not be able to stand any of it.
Her parents and sisters would all ask the same question, and it was one that she was not sure that she was able to answer.
Would Lord Greenshire ever come back? Would he ever propose to her?
4
One and the Same
Jane was very pleased to see that one of her very dear friends, Lady Emmeline, had replied to her letter, and her response had arrived the morning after Lord Greenshire's visit. Her friend invited her to visit as soon as that the second weekend in November, and Jane hastily scrawled a reply on the back of the letter.
I heartily accept your invitation, dear friend. I need your wise counsel. I shall see you this Saturday.
After working through some details with her parents, she wrote letters to all of the other friends she had planned to stay with, including her brother Robert, and let them all know she would be staying with her friend, and to write to her there if they needed her before she continued on with her travels.
Her mother crooned after her, saying that the house was growing more and more lonesome every year, and it would be even more sad without Jane there to brighten every cold morning.
Jane brushed her off, feeling far too caught up in her own emotions to worry.
"Mother, I will be home for Christmas, of course. I just...have to get out of the house."
Her sisters, on the other hand, were suspicious of her and her hastiness. Margaret spent most of dinner the night that Lord Greenshire had visited staring at Jane, her gaze intent and scrutinizing. Jane pleasantly looked back, and yet felt hollow deep inside of herself.
What am I to do?
Her father had been surprised when Lord Greenshire departed as quickly as he had, but Jane simply replied that he had some urgent business to attend to. Beatrice made to protest, but Jane trod on her younger sisters foot, distracting her enough that their father asked no further questions.
In truth, she believed he had every right to leave the way he had. She had done nothing to assure him in any way that a proposal would be accepted, and she felt great guilt about it. But what was she to do?
When Lady Emmeline's letter arrived, Jane knew it had been an answer to her prayers.
The days dragged on miserably until Saturday. Lord Greenshire was silent, as she had received no letters from him since he had visited. She felt both relieved and fearful of this. Her indecision may have been honest, but her wisdom perhaps too late in appearing.
The first time she felt she was able to share the burden was when she threw her arms around Lady Emmeline when she walked into the doors of her home.
"My friend, it is wonderful to see you again," Emmeline said, laughing as the two women embraced. "It has been far too long."
"It has indeed, my friend."
Emmeline was a tall, slender girl, with a pointed chin, high cheekbones, and a narrow nose. Her hair was the color of the blackest coal, and her eyes sparkled like sapphires. She was very pretty, and Jane often wondered why she had not married yet.
"Come, let us adjourn to my sitting room. I have some hot tea prepared for us. I had no idea it would be as cold as it turned out to be this day. You must be terribly frigid!"
Jane did all she could not to run to the sitting room.
The servants laid out a lovely display of pastries and teas for the girls at a low table beside the window that loo
ked deep into the forest beside their manor. Jane had spent many weekends in this very room with Emmeline.
As soon as the servants bowed themselves from the room, Emmeline whirled around to face her friend, her finger pointed at her.
"What is all this about, Jane?"
Jane, who was holding a teacup to her lips, blowing the hot tea, peered up at her friend. "Whatever do you mean?"
Emmeline sat in the chair beside Jane, leaning close to her. "Your letter! I have known you for many years, and I have never known you to not fill an entire page with a response to my letters!"
Jane looked down at the teacup. The tea smelled wonderful, and calming, after such an anxious carriage ride over. She suppressed a chill that tried to take hold.
Emmeline studied Jane's face closely.
"Oh, Emmeline," Jane finally said, putting her teacup down and burying her face in her hands. "I am so lost. I do not know what I am to do!"
Jane felt her friend's hand on her arm, a comforting gesture, and allowed Jane a few moments to compose herself.
When Jane finally looked up, Emmeline offered her a delicately embroidered handkerchief, which Jane accepted with a quiet, "Thank you."
"Now tell me what all of this is about!" Emmeline asked, also offering Jane a small, sweet pastry.
Jane nibbled on the edge of the pastry.
"Well, Lord Greenshire visited the manor at the end of September."
Emmeline's eyes grew wide. "Did he? And what happened?"
"I know what you are thinking, and no, he did not propose to me. Though I suppose that was his intention..." and Jane went on to tell Emmeline everything that had happened, including her sisters' teasing about Lord Hays.
Emmeline's face wrinkled. "Lord Hays? Isn't he that baron that is quite flamboyant and rude?"
Jane's pride stung at Emmeline's words. "He is not like that.”
Emmeline furrowed her brow, and then her eyes widened with understanding. "Jane...you aren't telling me that..."
Jane looked away.
"Oh, you haven't, have you?" Emmeline pressed, leaning back away from Jane, apparently appalled. "You haven't fallen for Lord Hays, have you?"
Jane leaned back against the chair in which she sat. "No, I have not fallen in love with the man. But..." she looked back up at Emmeline. "I don't know, Emmeline. He seems to have taken a liking to me, and he is just so...romantic."
Emmeline looked at Jane as if she had never seen her before. "Romantic? Well, that is a surprise." She shook her head. "I do not believe my ears," she said, but not unkindly. "This is not like you, Jane, to be at all tempted by a man of such a low place in society."
Jane nodded. "I know."
"Then what is it about him that you find attractive?"
Jane shrugged her shoulders. "He is just so very different than most men I have met. He is confident, which I admire, and he is, as you say, quite flamboyant. He tells you what he is feeling, even if it is a bit shocking."
She felt her cheeks blush.
Emmeline laughed.
"What?" Jane retorted sharply. "What is so funny?"
Emmeline grinned. "He sounds just like you, my friend."
"In what way?"
"Well, you admire his confidence, for one. Most would say that you have the utmost confidence of a woman, and I would agree. And you also speak your mind freely, a trait that most men find rather intimidating."
Jane just stared at her friend.
Do I truly admire Lord Hays because he simply reminds me of myself?
Jane said. "But that is not even the half of it, friend. There is something else I must explain to you."
She told Emmeline all about the ball at Lord Greenshire's family estate, and about how Lord Hays had been there as well. She told her all about the letters she had received before they had even left and all about the two men seeking after her attention while she was there.
It was harder to describe the conversation she had had with Lord Hays and about his proposal.
"He truly said those words?"
Jane nodded wearily. "I would not tell a falsehood about this."
"No, I suppose you would not be able to invent such a tall tale."
The two women looked at one another, and Jane could see the understanding in Emmeline's face.
"Do you think he was serious?" Emmeline asked quietly, voicing the question that Jane herself had not been able to voice since it had happened.
Jane threw her hands into the air in exasperation. "I do not know, and that is the most infuriating part of all."
"That was the most improper way he could have possibly asked you, if he was serious," Emmeline commented, taking another sip of her tea.
The tea in Jane's cup had grown cold, so she poured some fresh tea in to warm it again. She lifted the cup to her nose once more, inhaling the warmth of it. It eased some of the tension in her shoulders.
"I thought the very same," Jane admitted finally. "It is certainly not the way that I would wish for any man to ask me. My father has no idea that the baron has interest in me, and I doubt he would be pleased to discover the truth of it."
Emmeline smirked. "I am quite sure you are right about that.”
"And he laughed about it and treated poor Lord Greenshire as if he were a child playing an adult's game. It was almost infuriating, and yet, I could only sit there and stare at him," Jane continued.
Emmeline nodded her head. "I can understand why this upset you so much."
Jane huffed, and chewed the inside of her lip.
It should not be this difficult...
"What would you have said?" Emmeline asked.
Jane blinked at her friend. She was not sure that she had heard her correctly.
"What would you have said?" she repeated, a little more assertively. "If he was truly asking for your hand?"
Jane felt her heart skip a beat. This was a part of the conversation that she had partially wished they would never come to.
She could feel Emmeline's eyes on her as she contemplated how to best answer her. In the end, she decided the truth was the only acceptable choice.
"I do not know," Jane replied softly, "And that is what frightens me most."
Emmeline hesitated for a moment, and then said, "Why?"
"Because my answer should obviously be no!" Jane exclaimed in reply. "Why should I ever dream about turning down a man like Lord Greenshire? A man who is himself to inherit the title of duke one day, a man who would be able to provide me with a life very much as I live now, and a man who cares deeply for me. Why should it even be an option in my mind to choose someone else?" She crossed her arms across her chest, disgusted with herself.
Emmeline listened patiently, her lips pursed together thoughtfully.
"Lord Hays is an agreeable man, I know. He is charming, and oh, Emmeline, he is perhaps the most handsome man I have ever met. There is something about him that enraptured me, and I cannot get him out of my mind!"
She pulled at her hair, and groaned. "I feel pathetic and frustrated, angry, and hopeful all at the same time."
"So would you have said yes, then?" Emmeline asked.
"Yes!" Jane reacted, but then reconsidered. "No! I don't know!"
Jane got up, unable to sit any longer. She paced back and forth in front of the table. Emmeline stared up at her, her eyes following her.
"If I were to marry him, I would be marrying a man who intrigues me, a man who I find very attractive. He is different, bold, charismatic, and charming. I feel as if my days would be interesting and full, if not entirely as comfortable as I am used to."
She stopped, and her hands balled into fists.
"And yet, the other side of me knows that I would feel ashamed and embarrassed to have spent my entire life searching for a proper husband only to marry a baron. And, not only is he a baron, but he also has a bit of a marred reputation."
She looked desperately at Emmeline and collapsed back into her chair.
"What does this say of me? Of my ch
aracter?" She hung her head. "I feel as shallow as a puddle after a rainstorm."
Emmeline still remained quiet, and Jane found herself resisting the urge to shake her friend by the shoulders in an attempt to jostle the wisdom from her.
"Well," Emmeline said eventually, slowly.
"Well?" Jane asked when she went no further.
Emmeline looked at her friend. "I do not know what I should tell you, Jane. I cannot make this choice for you."
Jane felt her jaw tighten, but she knew Emmeline was right. Emmeline would not have the answers she needed, no matter how desperately she wished she had.
"One thought I can share is that neither of these men have actually proposed to you yet, correct?"
Jane exhaled, attempting to calm her nerves. "No, they have not."
Emmeline nodded. "Perhaps Lord Hays did, or perhaps he was saying it in jest. Regardless, we can assume that Lord Greenshire is intending to propose soon. Otherwise, I do not think he would have wished to see you alone."
Jane nodded in reply. She did not feel as if she had many words left to say on the matter. She felt spent and tired.
"I did not realize how great of a burden this was that I carried," she said quietly.
She felt Emmeline squeeze her arm again. "I am sorry that this decision troubles you so."
Jane smiled at her friend. "I appreciate you allowing me to be so open and honest with you about all of this. I honestly did not know who else I could trust with all of this."
Emmeline reached over and took Jane's hand. She patted it gently with her other hand. "We have been friends for many years, Jane. Of course you can trust me."
"I feel much better now that we have spoken."
"Good, that is good," Emmeline said.
Jane took a thoughtful sip of her tea. She did feel better; it was true. The burden was lighter now that she was not alone in bearing it.
"Lord Greenshire is the obvious choice," Jane said eventually. "He simply is."
Emmeline looked closely at her friend. "But…" she continued.
"But what?" Jane added.
"Lord Greenshire is the obvious choice, but...?"
Jane rolled her eyes. "But I do not feel as deep of a connection with him as I do with Lord Hays."
