by Joyce Alec
She trailed off.
What is the point if he cannot hear me? Is it worth it to soothe your own conscious?
She fought the sadness inside herself.
“William, please wake up. I need you, and I love you. I am sorry that it took me this long to realize it, but I love you. Everything else in my life will have no meaning if you are not there to share it all with me. I cannot bear losing a husband so soon into our life together. I am not willing to allow us to be robbed of all of the joys and excitement that a marriage can bring.”
She swallowed hard.
“Please don’t leave me,” she said, just barely above a whisper.
The idea was maddening that he was there, still with her, and yet entirely unresponsive. She could not bear to think that it was a possibility, and a great one at that, that this bed would soon be empty, and she would be wearing the traditional funeral dress.
She assumed Robert would perform the funeral, not even a year after he had performed the wedding ceremony, and she would return to her parents’ house.
She could not…
8
Changes
The clock outside in the hall chimed seven times, and Beatrice realized that she had been in the room with William for almost two hours.
How could that much time have passed? she wondered. Time has no meaning right now.
She remembered Robert saying something akin to that, where time seemed to move differently when exciting or terrible things happened in life. He said that it was perfectly normal, and that while he did not know why it was that way, he knew that it was a part of this life, and that we should expect both.
She knew that time did not have any meaning, since she did not think that any more or any less would change what was happening. It was hard to imagine that she could be a widow.
The very thought caused shivers up and down her back, and she thought she might be ill. She clasped her hand over her mouth, and for the first time since coming into the room, she considered leaving.
And then never coming back.
A very tangible and terrible fear passed over her, and she felt as if the only way she could have any relief was to run away. Run far, far away, and never look back. She could attempt to start an entirely new life, with a new name and a new story. She could be a damsel in distress and woo a wealthy man whom she would never love. She could forget her family, her marriage, and whatever she had known before.
She laughed a shuttering, hollow laugh.
I could never forget any of this, she thought.
Those thoughts caused others to spring into her mind.
If William does… Beatrice could not even form the word in her mind. What is to happen to me? Will I be alone? Will I always be a widow? I do not even have any children to distract me. Will I have to marry again?
She took a deep breath, attempting to calm her nerves. There was no need to think about all the things that could go wrong, especially with William still unconscious.
She frowned, feeling her jaw tighten.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered, touching his arm gently.
It was odd to be able to touch him and not see him react. It was quite normal for her to reach over to him when they sat together in the sitting room, each reading their own book, and for him to immediately stop what he was reading to look over at her and smile.
The image drew a soft sob from her, and she pursed her lips.
She watched the even rise and fall of his chest, but she kept hoping that the next breath he took would be easier. Each one seemed to be an effort, as if his body were just holding on by a thread.
She squeezed his arm.
“Please, William,” she said softly. “I need you. Please don’t leave me. I do not know what I will have to do without you in my life. Please…”
She felt a tight knot in her throat, and she could not form any more words. But she grimaced.
No, I need to tell him these things.
“William, who is going to bring me a basket full of berries, picked fresh from just outside of the gardens, so that we can enjoy them in a cake together? Who will take me into town so that I may search for an elusive book on the care of roses? Who is going to help me to grow our garden that would be the envy of our neighbors, just because I found it so pretty?”
She frowned.
“That is all about me, though, isn’t it?” she said.
She searched William’s still face, and her heart lurched.
“That is the problem with this whole thing. I have always thought of what a marriage can do for me, or what I thought of having a husband. All these things that I have said have all been about me and what I have seen that you have done for me… but what have I done for you?”
She shook her head, guilt washing over her again.
“Was I a good wife to you, William?”
The question seemed to hang in the air, and the fact that she could not hear the answer made it that much harder.
“I do not know if I was… perhaps I was too resistant to you or to your affections. Was I too critical of you? Or your actions? Did I put my happiness above yours? How often did I disappoint you with my own selfishness?”
She took a deep breath.
“I wish that we could have had this conversation before… all of this. But would we have? Would anything have changed? Would I have been aware of any of these problems within myself? I don’t know, William, but I know them now. And if…”
She felt tears well up in her eyes again, and she leaned even closer to him. “If you do make it through all of this, then I promise you that I will be a different woman to you. I will never allow my pride to get in the way again. I promise you that I will be the very best that I can be for you, and be the sort of wife that you deserve. I am so sorry that I have not been there for you as I should have been, and I am so, so sorry about how I acted yesterday. I am a foolish woman who should have known better than to act like a spoiled child. I just wish that I could take it all back…”
She reached over and took his hand in hers again.
“I love you so very much, William, more than I ever thought I could. I do not think that I can live without you.”
She thought she heard movement outside of the door, and it drew her attention for only a moment or two before she returned her attention to him.
“Oh, please, Lord… please give us a miracle. Please heal my husband, give him strength. Help him.”
Some time passed as she sat there with him, wondering if each breath that he took would be his last. She found both comfort and fear in his breathing still being raspy; it was bad, and she knew that, but if he was breathing still, it meant that he was still alive.
And then, when she heard the clock strike eight, she felt William’s hand tighten in her own.
She jumped in fright, and looked down at her hand, wondering what in the world had happened.
It had not been a tight squeeze, but it was the first movement that she had felt that she had not caused.
Her heart slammed against her chest, and she grabbed the hand that she had felt move with both of hers.
“William?” she asked frantically, looking up at his face.
It had not moved, and there was no recognition on his face. She could still see sweat on his brow, but had some of the color returned to his face?
No, that must be the light…
She watched him closely for a few moments, very aware of his hand in hers. It did not feel as clammy as it had before, but she was sure that it was because she was holding it so tightly that surely her own hand must have warmed his.
She sighed heavily, and relaxed her grip on his hand.
“This is hopeless,” she murmured, and she gently set his hand down onto his own chest.
She suddenly felt very thirsty, and wondered if maybe she should ask for some tea. She turned from William’s bed, and walked toward the door.
“Wait…”
Beatrice froze. She blinked, her eyes not
seeing the wooden door in front of her face.
Whirling around, she looked at the bed, at William, at his lips.
His breathing was still tight, but she did not see them move.
I am hearing things, she said. I want to hear his voice so much that I am now thinking that I can actually hear it.
“Beatrice…”
Now I know I am hearing things…
She saw his eyes tighten shut, and his leg move.
“William!” she cried, and she threw herself across the room back toward the bed.
He moved his head slowly back and forth on the bed, and she reached up and put her hands on either side of his face.
There certainly was color in his cheeks again, and his breathing was not as labored as it had been. And when she touched his face, she could tell that his fever had broken.
“Oh, William, can you hear me?”
She was not sure if he was delirious, or if he even had any idea where he was, but she could have screamed with relief at hearing his voice and seeing him move.
“Yes,” he said, and then, he opened his eyes.
He blinked a few times, focusing, but he knew exactly where she was, and he looked at her as if he could not see anything else.
His amber eyes were like gold in the light from the fire and the candles, but she could easily see that they were full of life, bright and clear.
“Oh, William, I am so sorry!” Beatrice said, the tears coming fresh and hot.
He winced when she laid her head on his chest, and she immediately sat back up.
“Oh, I am so sorry. Your wounds, I—”
“It’s all right,” he said, and she saw the corner of his mouth turn up in a small, pained smile.
“Easy now,” she told him, brushing some hair that had fallen into his face when he moved his hand.
“Where am I?”
Fear stabbed her heart. “We are at my parents’ home.”
“Oh, I suppose I have not yet been in this room,” he said. His voice was strained, and he continued to blink his eyes, and when he attempted to shift in the bed, he grimaced and screwed his eyes up tightly.
“How long was I…?”
“Since late last night,” she answered.
He seemed confused, and he closed his eyes, settling his head back against the pillow.
“William, I am so very sorry. This is all my fault. If I hadn’t…”
“My darling, it is all right.”
“No. It is not,” she protested, tears falling once more off her cheeks and onto his hand. “I am a fool of a woman, and—”
“Careful now, that is my wife that you are insulting,” he said, and she was pleased to hear the playful words.
She sniffled.
“My dear, I heard everything that you said,” he continued, looking up into her face, a lopsided smile on his face.
“You… you did?” she asked.
He nodded his head ever so slightly and winced at the pain of doing so. “Everything that you talked about with John and on.”
“But… why didn’t you say anything then? Why did you not let us know that you were awake?”
His brow furrowed slightly. “I… I do not know. It is hard to explain. I was aware of it, almost as if I was in a dream. I knew that I wanted to let you know that I could hear you, to tell you not to worry anymore, but I… couldn’t.”
She smiled at him. “It does not matter, because you are awake now. Oh, everyone else will be so pleased!” And she turned to go to the door and let everyone know, but she felt his hand tighten on her wrist.
“Beatrice, wait,” he said.
Beatrice felt the fear come back. Does he think… that he isn’t going to make it? She felt her heart hammer against her chest again. I cannot bear to lose him now! “William, you are going to be fine. Do not worry, I was just going to—”
“I know, but I wanted to talk to you first.”
She relaxed, and turned back to him. “All right,” she replied.
“To answer your question from earlier, I do think that you have been a wonderful wife to me. Never have I been disappointed with you, and I have done all of those things to show you the depth of my affections for you.”
She felt her hand tremble in his.
“I realize that your love for me was a slow process, and that even when we were married, it was not as deep as mine was for you. I did not fool myself, but I could see that over time, your love was changing and you were reciprocating my feelings. And so to hear you say that you love me so deeply now is a salve to my weary soul, and I know that you would have felt this way regardless of what had happened to me.”
She blinked tears from her eyes. “William, your compassion is so much more than I deserve.”
He shook his head. “Not at all, because it is the truth. And I want you stop blaming yourself for what happened to me. I came on my own accord, and for whatever reason, this was meant to happen. Perhaps for us to draw together as intimately as we are right now,” he said, his voice soft and tender.
She did not like to hear it, and she made to protest, but he shook his head again, and continued.
“As for what you think about our marriage and how it came to be, I do not believe that the reasons that you gave to John are entirely true.”
“What do you mean?” she asked.
“I do not think that you married me just to spite your siblings,” he said, and his face was gentle.
How is he the one attempting to make me feel better when he is lying there in that bed at death’s doorway?
She hung her head. “No, perhaps not. But my pride did play a part in it.”
His smile changed ever so slightly, but still remained.
“But I realize now that my feelings for you are genuine. And I am sorry that I did not see that sooner, and I am sorry that I said that to John. I am so upset that it took this accident for me to see that.”
William squeezed her hand. “As I said, I think you would have seen this regardless of what happened to me, my love,” he said.
“You are too kind to me,” she said, and smiled at him.
The door banged open, and John, Agnes, Jane, and her parents stood just out in the hall.
“We thought we heard William’s voice! Is he—?”
John’s eyes widened as he saw William, and then he burst out laughing.
“Look! He’s awake!”
The next few minutes were a blur, with everyone cramming into the room once more to see William. There were tears, shouts of laughter, and lots of hugging and kissing of both William and Beatrice. Beatrice felt as if she had been given the most wonderful gift she had ever received, and was sure that the relief and the joy that she felt would not dissipate for a very long time.
Eventually, the doctor, who was still there but had gone to the kitchens to call for more cool water for William’s bedside table bowl, returned upstairs.
When Beatrice saw him walk in, his jaw fell open, and he seemed entirely perplexed. Then a wide smile grew on his face, and he wiped his brow from sweat.
“I was so sure that you had an hour or two left, boy!” the doctor exclaimed. “My word, the good Lord has His eye on you! This is a miracle like I have rarely seen!”
Everyone made room for the doctor, and Jane and Andrew excused themselves, saying that they would wait in the other room to give William some space. John and Agnes said the same, and went to wait in the opposite room again. John told William that he would retrieve some hot tea and bread for him for when he was hungry.
The doctor, Beatrice, and the duke and duchess remained, and the doctor went right to his bag of instruments, muttering in disbelief and amazement. He pulled a stethoscope from his bag and returned to the bedside.
“All right, let’s see how you are doing internally,” the doctor said. He laid the metal end of the stethoscope against William’s chest, and put the other two ends inside his ears. He moved the metal tip on his chest up and down, asking him to breathe. He nodded a few
times, and then took the ends out of his ears, and then slid the thermometer underneath William’s tongue.
“Well, it appears that your ribs are indeed broken, and your breathing is still somewhat labored,” he said, “As we can all hear. That is due to the inflammation from the injuries, and it will most likely just take time to heal, along with some tea that I will prescribe to help ease the pain. And some brandy will help you to fall asleep.”
“It also appears that your fever did break,” the doctor said as he checked William’s temperature.
Beatrice exhaled with relief.
“My boy, how did this happen to you, exactly?”
William winced as if the memory of the event was enough to cause pain.
“I was riding over here to see Beatrice, and it was getting dark. I allowed my horse to rest while I took a short walk to stretch my legs. The rain had been coming down all afternoon, and I slipped on some wet mud. At the same time, when I was struggling back up to my feet, I heard a horse coming down the road. He must not have seen me, for when I finally got to my feet and tried to get out of the way, it struck me. And… that’s all I remember.”
Beatrice frowned.
“I wondered,” the doctor said. “Well, you are lucky your footman found you when he did. If you had been out all night in that weather, who knows what could have happened.”
The room became sober for a moment, but the doctor laughed.
“But that is not what happened, is it? We can rejoice that it all worked out the way it did.”
“The Lord is good,” Beatrice’s father said.
There were murmurs of agreement all around.
“My boy, you are a miracle. The look of you a few hours ago made me sure that you were not going to make it. I’ve seen far less injuries on a man and discovered that he had passed on. But… here you are. Coherent and healing.”
Everyone smiled at one another.
“Of course, you are going to need to be limited to bedrest for the next week or so, and then you will need to be on crutches for a few weeks.”
