by Max Anthony
“Why’s it my end?” asked Rasmus, with his hands on his hips.
“Because I went head first down a toilet in a vampire’s lair, that’s why.” It was a persuasive argument, but Rasmus did his best to look dismissive.
“And did I tell you I had to push thousand-year-old turds along with my face in order to complete my passage?” continued Viddo, driving his point home.
“Fine,” said Rasmus. “I’ll take this end. But now we’re even,” he finished.
The wizard looked down at his allotted end of the chest, calculating if there was any way he could lift it without getting covered in someone else’s excrement. Eventually, he was forced to conclude that there was not. Determined not to get anything on his hands, Rasmus used the cloth of his sleeves to shield his hands while he pulled the mucky end out from its resting place. The chest rattled as it was lifted.
“Sounds promising,” grunted Viddo.
“My new robes,” complained Rasmus. “I’ve not had them for more than two minutes.”
The chest was heavy, though they were not able to ascertain if this was owing to the weight of the container, or because it was stuffed to the brim with items of a valuable nature. They shuffled sideways towards the room’s exit, their burden making it harder for them to keep their footing. Rasmus trod on a smaller slug that he hadn’t noticed and swore loudly when he saw the leather exterior of his boot bubble and melt.
“Get a move on!” he said. “I’ve stood on one of the little buggers and will need to get my boot off.”
Viddo didn’t hang around and they heaved their prize out of the room and into another stone passageway. They hadn’t made much distance when Rasmus was forced to drop his end of the chest, through a combination of his poor grip and the feeling that a strong acid was soon to cause his foot a serious injury. The metal end of the container crashed down and there was the distinct sound of tinkling glass from within.
“Bugger it!” said Viddo.
Rasmus was in no position to worry about what might have happened within the chest. He stooped over and wriggled the boot from his foot. In the process, he got his hands covered in the accumulation of muck from the room behind. He swore some more, but was relieved when he got his foot clear before the acid burned far enough through that it reached his skin. The smoking of the leather subsided, but when Rasmus peered inside the damaged boot, he saw that a large hole had been burned through the sole.
“Throw the boot,” Viddo instructed. “Those slugs are still coming.”
With only one boot remaining, and his hands and robes covered in excrement, Rasmus was starting to feel somewhat worse for wear. Bowing to the necessities of the situation, he did as he was asked, petulantly throwing the boot as far away as he could manage. Hundreds of slugs continued their pursuit, with the closest only a few feet away.
Meanwhile, Viddo dragged the chest along the passageway, hoping to put enough distance between them so that they could safely investigate the chest’s contents.
“Why didn’t you just drag the chest in the first place?” spluttered Rasmus. “That way I would not be covered in shit and I’d still be wearing both boots.”
“I didn’t think of dragging the chest,” Viddo admitted. When he saw the wizard’s mouth opening in preparation to berate him, the thief cut him off. “And you clearly didn’t think of it either, so I’ll listen to none of your accusations!”
Rasmus was wise enough to realise when he was partially culpable and since it was he who had the most responsibility over his own well-being, he knew that he could not blame the thief. He marvelled at the capacity of his brain to overlook the obvious, even when the consequences were as unpleasant as these.
“Fine. Get this chest further away and we’ll have a look at what’s inside it.”
There was little scope for Viddo to drag the chest as far and as quickly as he’d have liked, since this corridor was hardly ten yards long and ended at another one of the metal doors. From the sewerage room, the slugs continued their inexorable advance. Viddo was quite happy to work under pressure and laid out his tools.
“Should I open the door first or the chest?” he asked.
Rasmus pondered briefly. There might be perils on the other side of the door that could force them to abandon this chest which they had just appropriated. On the other hand, the contents of the chest would do them no good if Viddo wasn’t capable of opening both doors in time for them to get away from the acidic slugs.
“What do the locks look like? If you can get them both open in time, open the chest first.”
“The chest has a complicated lock and is probably trapped,” mused Viddo. “Whilst the door has a basic lock and is probably not trapped, but it might be rusted inside. Assuming it is locked at all.”
“I’m a sucker for surprises,” said Rasmus. “Get the chest open. If it comes to it, we can hide behind the chest and I’ll start casting some spells at these horrendous creatures.”
As Viddo sat down to work, Rasmus had another thought. “I forgot I’d memorised one of those!” he said. “I must be getting forgetful in my old age.” The thief knew better to enquire further and poked into the lock with two of his slenderest picks.
“One needle trap,” he muttered. “Two built-in pick breakers and also a magical ward of some sort. Exploding or freezing, I’m not sure which. Do you have a dispel you can throw onto the chest?”
Rasmus didn’t respond, but Viddo saw the wizard’s fingers move in the familiar signs of casting. Instantly, Viddo felt the magical ward vanish and he set about disarming the poisoned needle. There was a chance that the poison was so old that it would no longer be effective, but he had no plans to stick his fingers in the way to test it.
“Aha,” said Viddo softly, while Rasmus continued to look at the slugs in concern. They were a multitude of sickly greys, greens and browns. They crowded the floor to a depth of four feet, as they slid over each other, apparently immune to their own acids. It looks like I was speaking a load of balls when I told Viddo that acid was good against them he chided himself.
Once, in the dim and distant past, Rasmus had thought he might like to settle down and had bought himself a modest house with a small garden. Though he didn’t have green fingers, the wizard had attempted to cultivate a small crop of vegetables. Slugs had been a menace to his budding cabbages – he’d carefully check each leaf before bed, and when he woke up, they’d be full of holes and covered in slimy slugs. Back then, in the two months it took him to give up gardening and go back to adventuring, he’d started to convince himself that slugs could move far quicker than he gave them credit for, but he’d never been able to catch them in the act of doing it. Here, in this unknown passage in an unknown place beneath the earth, he witnessed how sneakily rapid they could be. It wasn’t that they moved at a running pace exactly, but there was a certain inevitability about their progress. The closest ones were only fifteen feet away now and Viddo hadn’t even got the chest open yet.
“I’ve had enough of you slugs!” shouted Rasmus in sudden anger.
Viddo, unaware of the wizard’s pent-up frustration over these cabbage-destroyers didn’t even look up. He heard Rasmus utter a single, unfamiliar word, his experience telling him that the wizard had just cast a spell of decent power. There was a shudder and a whump, the sound reminiscent of air rushing into a sudden empty space. Had Viddo taken a moment to look up, he’d have noticed that fifteen cubic feet of slugs and surrounding rock wall had been disintegrated by a spell of enormous destructive potential. All that remained was a cloud of fine, grey powder, which hung suspended in the glow of the wizard’s light spell.
“No one eats my cabbages and gets away with it!” said Rasmus with a chilling calmness.
“You’re going to have to tell me all about it when we get out of here,” said Viddo. He was genuinely curious.
“I’ve not had to cast a disintegrate spell in years,” said the wizard in satisfaction. “I’d forgotten quite how effective they could be.
It’s a shame I didn’t have two or three such spells memorised, else I’d have turned all of these horrible molluscs to dust.”
There was a click and Viddo was finally able to look up. “Why didn’t you cast it on the lich?” he asked.
“This is why I’m a wizard and you’re a thief,” said Rasmus in matter-of-fact tones. “The most powerful of beings would scarcely flinch if I threw such a spell at them. On the other hand, against weaker creatures such as these slugs, it is remarkably effective. It’s just a shame that it only affects a relatively small area, since there are still many slugs heading our way.
Viddo saw that the wizard was telling the truth. His spell had destroyed hundreds of them, as well as a portion of the rock walls, but their numbers were so great that they could not all fit within the confines of the spell’s effect. All he’d really done was give them an extra fifteen feet of breathing room as well as find an outlet for his long-suppressed gardener’s fury. Viddo flipped up the lid of the chest, hoping that this extra time would be enough. He cast the briefest of glances within before he turned his attention to the metal door, consummate professional that he was. It took him only a moment to determine that it was locked and that there was a thick coating of grime obscuring the mechanism.
“Have a look through that lot and see what we’re keeping,” Viddo said in an offhand manner, as though the chest held nothing at all that might interest him.
Rasmus crouched over the chest, but not before he’d bade Viddo to focus on the door. The wizard looked askance at the carpet of slugs which oozed towards him with slow-moving intent and then pulled out a pair of swish black boots. They were made of beautifully supple leather and looked just his size.
“Here’s a lucky thing for the wizard, for a change,” he declared. “Any idea if these are magical?” he asked Viddo, causing the thief to waste precious seconds in providing an affirmative.
Rasmus cast one of his few remaining identification spells upon the footwear. “Boots of speed!” he declared happily. Then he looked downcast, thinking that they may be better placed on the feet of a thief. “Want them?” he asked, attempting good grace.
“No thanks, you have them,” said Viddo. “These boots I have enhance my ability to walk and run in silence.”
Without further pause, Rasmus pushed his feet into the new boots, almost glad that his existing pair had been ruined. He was bursting to give them a try, but had other matters to attend to. The next item he drew out was a smooth, straight piece of polished light wood, almost two feet long. He tossed it to one side, where it landed with a clatter.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asked Viddo. “That could be a top-notch wand and there you go throwing it on the floor.”
“I shan’t be needing it,” said Rasmus huffily.
“What do you mean you shan’t be needing it?” asked an incredulous thief. “We need all the help we can get, you buffoon.” It was the second time in two days that Viddo had referred to him as a buffoon, though Rasmus didn’t overly mind.
“Wands are for lady wizards,” Rasmus said. “And I am not a lady wizard.”
“Eh?” spluttered Viddo, now thoroughly distracted from his task. “Most of the good wizards I’ve seen have a spare wand shoved up their sleeves in case of emergency. Gentleman wizards included.”
“But they’re so feminine! All la-de-dah and mincing around. Gentlemen wizards have staves. Metal staves.”
“We’ll have this discussion later. Stick that wand in your belt. It’s coming with us.”
Rasmus complied and returned to the chest. Thus far he’d managed to ignore the sprinkling of broken glass that covered the bottom of the container. The potions could have been useful and he felt complicit in their shattering. There was also a heap of coins in the chest, which explained why it had been so heavy.
“All bloody copper and silver again,” he complained. “Why would anyone want to buy an expensive chest and then fill it with copper? The container is worth more than the contents.”
Nevertheless, there was a glimmer of gold here and there, along with a smaller number of other coins which looked like a duller version of the silver ones. The wizard’s hand sought these out with unerring accuracy, and he shoved them into his pockets, along with the gold ones as he found them. There were four scrolls, folded up neatly and he picked these out as well, without bothering to check what they were in advance – he’d find out when it was more convenient. There was also a tiny velvet pouch, tied at the top with a silk drawstring. Rasmus fumbled it open and examined the contents. There were a few gems, which he thought were only semi-precious, but there could be one or two worth having once they’d been properly valued by Viddo. The man seemed to have an authoritative eye for a gem’s worth.
“Anything else?” enquired Viddo.
“Nope, that’s it. I think I’ve got all the good coins out as well.” He patted his robes, which made a jingling sound.”
“What about that hand crossbow I saw?” said Viddo.
“I didn’t see a hand crossbow in the chest. You must have been mistaken.”
“Yes, yes. Here we are, about to be eaten by slugs and you’re trying to play a joke on me, thereby distracting me from my work.” As it happened, Viddo’s eyes had been fixed on the door all the time he’d been speaking.
“Oh! This hand crossbow, you mean? I do apologise my thiefly friend. I see the item you are referring to. It must have been hidden beneath this copper coin here.”
“I know it’s magical,” said Viddo. “I can feel it from here. Identify it and then tell me what it is. And don’t get any shit on the trigger, if you please. Those crossbows are valuable.”
Rasmus took the crossbow out. It was made of an unknown black metal and felt almost as weightless as the air around it. It had no lustre to it and it cast no reflection from the light of Rasmus’ spell. He knew at once that it was special.
“Well?” demanded Viddo.
Rasmus cleared his throat. “Ahem,” he said.
“Just tell me!”
“It’s a thief’s hand crossbow of rapid loading,” he said, giving the item its formal name. “Enchanted to the max. A blind thief could shoot a fly off his wife’s nose at fifty yards with it.”
“Superb!” said Viddo, as genuinely happy as Rasmus could remember seeing him.
“Shame there’re no bolts to load it with.”
“What? You’re joking, aren’t you?” asked Viddo, his lock picks pausing mid-scrape.
“Yup. There’s a case of thirty bolts to go with it. Good ones, too. It’s your lucky day, I reckon.”
“Damn your eyes, you sod!” said Viddo.
“That’ll teach you not to play tricks on me, won’t it?”
“It’ll teach me nothing,” said the defiant thief. “And anyway, it won’t be my lucky day if we get eaten by slugs, or if there’s a lich standing behind this door.”
The slugs were now less than ten feet away. With nothing better to do, Rasmus picked out a few handfuls of copper coins and threw them at his slimy foes.
“Piss off,” he said, just for the sake of it.
Soon they were only five feet away – a mound of slugs that came as high as Rasmus’ waist, or the top of Viddo’s head in his position crouched over the lock.
“You’re going to have to get it open soon,” said Rasmus.
“It’s a stubborn one,” Viddo responded.
The slugs were soon only three feet away. When they reached as close as two feet, Rasmus pressed himself right against the door. The slugs had overrun the chest, though there was nothing left within that would be worth taking for such experienced travellers as these. “Get it open,” the wizard said. “Or I’ll have to start casting things that might do us both an injury.”
“This door?” asked Viddo, turning the handle and opening it away from them. “I had it unlocked five minutes ago. I just like the smell of wizard sweat.”
“Damn your eyes, you sod!” said Rasmus, following Viddo through t
he opening. Once they were both inside, the thief closed the door and, seconds later, had it locked once again, preventing the creatures outside from getting in.
Sixteen
“I think we’re in an entirely different part of this underground world,” offered Rasmus, looking about the new area.
“What do you mean?” asked Viddo, also scanning his surroundings. The thief had the crossbow slung from his belt to one side, and the case of bolts at the other. The weapon looked like it was meant to be there.
“I imagine that over the years, or centuries more accurately, various creatures and beings have called this place their home. Perhaps blissfully unaware that other creatures were living only a few miles away from them. We saw how that vampire had taken over a number of rooms for its own purposes. This area here seems to be a testing area or something. Maybe created by a mad wizard, in order to lure in unsuspecting adventurers and see how far they get.”
“I am familiar with the method,” said Viddo, who had explored several such places when he was just starting out in his career as a thief.
“Well I think we are in one of those places.”
“Those skeletons weren’t exactly a threat, but those slugs certainly were,” said Viddo. “I’d have expected the threat levels to be more consistent, so as not to instantly slay great swathes of budding adventurers. Once a place gets a reputation as a death trap, no one bothers to go there. Unless they’re stupid.”
“But the undead pop up everywhere. Those skeletons could have been animated at any time. This treasure we found is consistent with the lowest, hardest levels of a dungeon.”
“I agree, but what point are you trying to make?” asked Viddo.
“I don’t really know,” ended Rasmus lamely. “I think I’m just trying to learn about the history of where we are. I would love to know who made these tunnels originally. Were they human or were they a long-forgotten race that died out many thousands of years before humans set foot on the surface?”
