by Sue Watson
I was just settling down on my bed with all my paperwork when the phone rang; the voice on the end of the line said he was Dick’s solicitor and he would be sending me some documents in the post.
‘Clients often find the legal jargon a little difficult, so I sometimes call first to make it very clear,’ he was saying.
‘But we’re already divorced,’ I said, wondering why Dick’s solicitor would possibly be sending anything to me. For a moment I wondered if something terrible had happened at his villa and he’d finally fallen in that pool and left everything to me and the kids. But then I remembered, this was The Dick and he would never do anything so thoughtful.
The solicitor started going on about deeds and agreements now and how I’d signed something several years ago to say I would buy Dick out of the house.
‘Yes, I know,’ I sighed, ‘but he said we can stay as long as we need to. I can’t afford to buy him out yet…’ My heart was beginning to thump slightly and my head felt rather light.
I can’t remember exactly what he said next, but the gist of it was that I’d signed an agreement promising to give Dick half the money for the house. And as the kids were now over eighteen I either had to move out or pay half of the money for the house to Dick.
So now I was jobless and homeless – with an ageing mother to support, could things get any worse?
I put down the phone and wept. This was the house we’d moved into when Josh was born, we’d been here almost twenty years; it was full of memories, some good and some Dick.
I wish I could say I couldn’t believe he would do this, but it was classic Dick. He’d always been a selfish money-grabbing pig and even though this would affect his kids that didn’t matter to him. His timing, as always, was spot on; I had nothing to live on, let alone pay him hundreds of thousands of pounds. I was upset, but more than this I was angry; all I could see in my mind’s eye was his smug face and her perky brown breasts taunting me from Facebook. I couldn’t allow them to beat me, I had to do something; I would not let them see me fail. I would stall for longer, and in the meantime I would show him. I’d make something of my life, in spite of him, and he could have his bloody money. I just wasn’t quite sure – as yet – how I was going to climb this particular mountain.
8
Frogs and Snails and Puppy Dogs’ Tails
I lay upstairs for a while thinking things through – I was furious with Dick, but I’ve always been a great believer that things happen for a reason. There were things I couldn’t control and things I could and it was time to start working to find a way we could survive.
I made some notes, googled a few things and came to the conclusion that Dick might have done me a favour for the first time ever. Perhaps this final act from a man I once loved was the kick up the bum I needed for a fresh start?
Later, when I’d finally cleared the red mist, I told Mum about the solicitor’s phone call, and after using some colourful adjectives to describe The Dick, she eventually calmed down.
‘You could sell the house, give the greedy bugger his money and buy something smaller?’ she said.
‘Yes, I could, but we’d still need somewhere to live and I wouldn’t get a mortgage for a new house as I don’t have a job.’
She nodded. ‘Perhaps I could get a job? I can sing you know.’
‘Yes I know, Mum, but the Spice Girls have already split and I don’t think Little Mix are looking for any more members.’
She giggled. ‘Well, you never know, I still look good in shorts and I could show those young ones a thing or two.’ Then she patted my knee. ‘Try not to worry, you’ll think of something, love, you always do.’
I loved her faith in me and tried to give her a reassuring smile as Josh wandered in from the kitchen, a sandwich in one hand, his iPhone in the other.
He looked at me and before he could say anything I snapped. ‘NO. I can’t look after someone else’s dog, Josh.’
‘How did you know I was going to ask…?’
‘Because I’m bloody psychic – it comes with being a mother, your nan knows what I’m going to say next don’t you, Mum?’
She was watching Jeremy again – series after series on catch up TV, tits, tats and trauma on a bloody permanent loop. Mum had watched Mob Wives in the same relentless way, a live streaming session of pseudo Italian abuse and vile death threats gushing into the living room. I spent one Saturday listening to botoxed New York women with collagened lips shouting things like: ‘Check my bloodlines, I’m coming for you bitch.’ That was a long weekend.
‘The pierced people have been having three in a bed, Ella,’ she was shaking her head. ‘Disgusting… and now she’s run off with his sister.’
‘Mum, don’t watch if it offends you.’
‘It does… absolutely disgusting, but I have to know what happens,’ she said, turning her back to me and resting her head on her hand to fully absorb the ‘disgusting’ sexual antics of Jeremy’s guests.
Mum was happy in her own little world; she had a string of interchangeable boyfriends, lots of friends and Jeremy Kyle on the TV. Lucie had gone and Josh was about to. This was a home filled with memories, I thought as I gazed around the room, but perhaps it was time to let go, stop using the house and the kids as an excuse to stay here? I remembered what Ben the solicitor had said about the universe providing the answer to my problem. I had no money and would soon have no home, so what was there to lose?
‘Mum, just tell me what you’ve got against looking after a little scrap of cute fur while we’re away?’ Josh began again.
And before I knew it, I heard myself say, ‘Because I’m going away too.’
Both Mum and Josh looked at me, yes, really looked at me – eye contact, phones down, everything.
‘Away?’ they both said in unison, as if it were the craziest thing they’d ever heard.
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘Aunt Sophia’s van is calling. I think I’m going to give it a go, a summer in Appledore selling ice cream on the beach? I could do a lot worse.’
They were still staring at me.
‘Don’t be daft, you can’t do that, Ella,’ Mum was shocked. ‘You can’t go all the way to Devon, what would happen to me?’
‘You’d come with me, wouldn’t you?’ I hadn’t given the practicalities too much thought, but Mum was a consideration, and welcome to join me on my adventure.
‘Oh no, I’m not going back there – and I don’t think you should either,’ she looked momentarily scared.
‘Why not, Mum?’ I thought she’d come round to the idea, but she seemed so adamant.
‘Because, you mustn’t go.’
She said this without offering any explanation. I didn’t understand, but she wouldn’t be pushed and if she wasn’t going to tell me why I shouldn’t, then why shouldn’t I?
‘Mum, you said I’d think of something, and I have. The house is being sold, I have no job and I need to do something. Now.’
Throughout this exchange my son stared at me apparently genuinely concerned, which was nice. Unusual, but nice.
‘Mum, you can’t just go off on your own…’
‘But, sweetie, you are.’
‘I know but that’s different, I’m young.’
I had to smile at this. ‘Josh, I will be fine, just think of this as my own “gap summer”, I’ll be back by September.’
‘You can’t just go off and do stuff, where will me and Lucie go if we need to come back?’ Josh said.
‘Josh – I’m not stopping you from going away, so don’t stop me.’
‘I’m not,’ he said, ‘it’s just… mums don’t do things like that.’
‘Well this one’s about to,’ I said. ‘This is the first time in my life I’m doing something I want to do. And I’ll still be there for everyone – I just might be on the end of a phone rather than in the flesh.’
In the few minutes I’d given in to my heart and decided to do this, the idea was growing on me. I loved the sound of summer by the sea, waking up t
o the sound of seagulls, sand between my toes, wind in my hair, and being me, just me.
‘But what about Delilah… you’ll be abandoning her as well as your family?’ He was a trier my son.
‘Honestly! Didn’t you hear what I said? I’m not going to sit here and mind dogs and make tea and wait around just in case someone, somewhere might need to pop back from their own big adventures.’ My family were everything to me and I didn’t want Josh or Mum to think I didn’t care, but I did need them to know how I was feeling.
Mum turned to look at me, alarmed, sounding really scared now. ‘You can’t go there Ella… you can’t go there… Sophia will…’
‘Sophia’s dead, Mum,’ I said gently.
‘Don’t go there,’ she repeated, slowly.
For a moment I was concerned, I didn’t want to upset her. ‘Why, Mum?’
‘Because… I don’t want you to,’ she was deadly serious.
‘Mum, nothing’s going to happen to me…’
She suddenly seemed to regain her composure. Her tone and expression changed, but it didn’t feel real. ‘Who would cook my tea?’ she asked, with fake brightness.
I smiled and patted her arm reassuringly. ‘Come with me and cook mine when I get in from the beach?’ I said, liking the sound of days spent working by the sea.
‘Over my dead body,’ she spat, shaking her head vigorously, and I wondered for the millionth time what had happened to make her so hostile towards the idea of Appledore. Even now, with Sophia dead, she didn’t want to return to that lovely place by the sea with its whitewashed houses and a tingle in the air.
‘Mum, I wish you’d talk to me about this. Why do you feel such hostility towards Sophia… and Appledore? You were once very happy there, you and Sophia were close… I don’t understand…’
‘The past is the past. I’m not coming with you,’ Mum said, folding her arms.
‘Okay, well if that’s how you feel and you don’t want to talk about it I suppose I have to accept it.’
‘Yes you do,’ she muttered, her face red with anger or frustration, or upset… she was hard to read.
I wasn’t going to weaken my resolve, and I also wasn’t going to use my mum as an excuse not to do this. It was scary, a huge challenge, but I was going to go for it; ‘I’m still going to go, Mum.’ I saw her open her mouth to challenge me, but I carried on.
‘So are you okay to stay here and show prospective buyers around the house,’ I said. ‘Perhaps you could even try and put them off to get us more time here,’ I winked.
Her face softened, she liked a bit of mischief and I wondered in that moment if perhaps this might be good for all of us, a gentle push to move us forward. Who knew what my adventure would bring, but at least I’d be earning something, not worrying about money while waiting around for responses to job applications that might never come.
‘I know it’s not ideal, but I believe things are meant to be. There’s a reason that Aunt Sophia left me that van, don’t you agree, Mum?’ I was hoping she might react to this, provide a clue as to why she’d been so against coming with me, so tried to bring her back into the conversation, but she just looked at me.
‘I think it’s an insult quite honestly… it was my family’s business and she should have left some of the café to you. But no – we are left out in the cold – again!’
‘But Aunt Sophia loved me, she wouldn’t try to hurt or insult me. Why do you think she would do that?’
‘Because she wants you to go back there, but she’s not prepared to give you anything more than the van. She thinks you’ll come running, like you used to when you were a child.’
I always had a feeling Mum might be jealous of my close relationship with Sophia and Gina. As a mum myself now I could see how it was easier for Sophia and Gina to give me more freedom, more treats, more late nights – they were like the weekend parent and never had full responsibility. For Mum this must have been frustrating watching me go off each year and have a wonderful time without her.
‘Are you jealous? Is that what this is, Mum?’
‘No, what rubbish. I’m not jealous of her, I just don’t want you to go there, she always said you’d go back and now you are. And Gina’ll turn up and cause bother and… oh love, just stay here?’
‘Mum, I think you’re imagining all this. Gina and Sophia were always kind to me, but it’s like you don’t trust Sophia, like she’s luring me back and it will somehow hurt me. Why can’t you tell me what’s bothering you?’
‘If you don’t want to take my advice then just leave it be, Ella,’ she shook her head and began scrolling through her phone.
‘Mum, you’re as bad as the kids, looking at your phone every time we try to have a conversation…’ She wasn’t going to tell me, but I kept on, knowing at times I probably should have backed off, I just wanted to understand where all this was coming from. ‘Mum, why don’t you try to move on, whatever it was, Sophia is dead now – can’t you let all the bitterness and resentment go with her?’
What could possibly be so bad that she still felt like this towards her dead sister?
‘No,’ she said, turning off the TV as she left the room.
I didn’t know what to say to her, I couldn’t make up my mind if she had a legitimate reason to be worried or was just feeling unloved. I tried not to let Mum spoil this – after all she’d always been protective, reluctant to let me fly.
‘I just want to give it a go,’ I said to Josh. ‘I need a job and now there’s the van – so why not do something I want to in a lovely setting?’
Josh shrugged, finally in semi-agreement… I hoped.
‘I’ll make sure I have internet connection,’ I continued to try and reassure him. ‘So we can Skype and call or text wherever you are. Just pretend I’m here if it makes you feel better.’
He nodded; ‘If it’s what you want, Mum?’
‘I do,’ I said, ‘I really do.’
‘Hey, Mum, you know what might help?’
I looked at him.
‘Take Delilah with you, so you don’t feel so alone.’
I laughed at his persistence. ‘Hey, I’m travelling light, no dogs on board – the very idea of having a small animal around is out of the question, so please tell Aarya that Delilah the Pomeranian will have to stay where she is.’ I reached for a biscuit from the tray; ‘And I am adamant about that, Josh, no amount of emotional blackmail, charm or persuasion will change my mind.’
Later that week, as I took possession of Delilah, her toys, her four-poster bed, various bikinis (oh yes) and an Imelda Marcos-style number of dog shoes, I wondered just what part of ‘adamant’ my son hadn’t heard.
The only good thing about Josh’s departure was that he and Aarya were being driven to the airport by her parents, which made the goodbyes easier for me. I stood in the window waving Delilah’s paw at the departing car and for the first time in a long time wondered what life had in store for me. For better or worse, things were going to be different – I was scared and excited and I could feel my heart beating at the prospect of the voyage ahead of me.
I put Delilah down and wandered the house, looking into the kids’ empty bedrooms. Lucie’s smelled of pear drops, and Josh’s smelled of feet and sweat; frogs and snails and puppy dogs’ tails, I thought as I closed the door. I was missing them already but happy they were doing what they wanted to do, discovering the world, living their lives.
I didn’t feel lonely with the kids gone; I was used to them being out and about, or just in their rooms. But I always knew where they were (within a ten-mile radius) and it felt strange to think they wouldn’t be coming home tonight. I’d often longed for some peace and quiet, but this was a little sudden and slightly unnerving. I was pondering this when I suddenly became aware of another presence, and looked down to see a little blonde fluffy face looking up at me. Delilah was a rescue dog who’d been mistreated, and she did indeed only have one eye, but it was the softest, brownest eye, and her little doggie smile touched
my heart. Her expression seemed almost human, quizzical as she turned her head to one side then the other.
‘Are you trying to work me out, Delilah?’ I said, bending down to fuss her. ‘Don’t waste your time, sweetie, because after forty-four years I’m still trying to work me out.’ I picked her up, holding her against my chest; she was so light and seemed so vulnerable. We’d both been plonked into a new world, a new life – and I think we were a little nervous about what might happen next.
‘So what are you like at selling ice cream, Delilah?’ I said to myself as much as to the little bundle of fluff in my arms. She licked my cheek and her tail wagged like mad and I knew in my heart that it was time for both of us to have our own adventure.
9
Ice Cream and Flip-Flops down Avenues of Pleasure
The next day I called Ben Shaw and told him my plans.
He seemed very enthusiastic. ‘Sounds like a great idea,’ he said, ‘and I’m sure as the ice cream van belongs to the café you could use the kitchens there for any storage or preparation you need.’
I hadn’t even thought that far ahead, but it sounded like a great idea and it would be a pleasure to work there again. He also said I could have the keys to Sophia’s apartment which meant I wouldn’t have to worry about finding somewhere to stay. ‘It’s Gina’s now,’ he said, ‘obviously she’s not around and I’m sure she wouldn’t have a problem with you staying there until you get settled in.’
It was wonderful, everything was falling into place; this was my adventure – my ice cream summer. It may be a disaster, but I was doing something that excited me, and I hadn’t done that for a very long time.
And so a couple of weeks later, at the end of June, I packed the car and prepared for the six hour drive ahead.
I had intended to travel light, inspired by the sea and the way some people just move around the earth with no chattels. But despite my longing for spiritual freedom and a barefoot summer there was the not so small matter of Delilah’s ‘luggage’ – a matching eight-piece set in pink and black polka dot that filled much of the back seat. Obviously she needed her throws and jewellery boxes too, and these were taking up half the boot. I’d hoped we could both turn up with a sarong and a smile, but Josh let Aarya loose on Skype and she’d insisted Delilah take all her outfits, ‘just in case’.
