by Sue Watson
‘Okay so she’s divorced, but she’s still got the house in Bel Air and she’s working with Leonardo DiCaprio, I’m sure she doesn’t need to worry about money,’ I said, still unable to hide the pride in my voice.
‘Dad never mentioned that. Mind you, Dad probably wouldn’t know who Leonardo DiCaprio was anyway.’
‘Well even if she’s lost money through the divorce, she’ll be making mega bucks starring in a film alongside Leonardo – she could still afford to keep the café.’
‘Who knows? Have you told your mum about Leonardo?’
‘Yes, but she’s determined not to be impressed,’ I smiled.
‘Give her time; she’ll be so star-struck she’ll forget all about the family feud. Dad mentioned something the other day about there being “long-held trouble in the family”.’
I was intrigued, perhaps he knew? ‘Did he say what?’
‘No, I did ask but he’s their solicitor and I might be his son but he can’t discuss stuff like that.’
‘It sounds like he may be involved, or has been in the past. Do you think it might be something… legal?’
‘Money… it’s usually money,’ Ben sighed, as he piled a Fruit Salad Sundae into a cone and dribbled apricot and raspberry purées on top.
‘No, if it was money Mum would have said, but she told me not to listen to anything your dad told me anyway. Which makes it all the more intriguing.’
He shrugged and I decided to give it a rest.
I watched the fruity syrup drip onto his forearm and had to stop myself from licking it off.
‘You’re getting good at that,’ I indicated the sundae. ‘I might even take you on.’
‘I don’t mix business with pleasure, even with a gorgeous blonde,’ he winked as he handed the cone over to an excited little girl who only had eyes for the ice cream; the same couldn’t be said of her mother as she handed the money over to Ben!
‘I’m not the gorgeous blonde, that’s my cousin’s territory,’ I smiled.
‘Yeah but now you’re blonde you look like her, only younger.’
I felt all warm inside, I loved being compared to Gina and despite telling myself constantly that this guy might leave at any time and not to get too attached, I really did like him. Perhaps the idea that this might not be forever was part of the attraction? He’d never be a slippers by the fire kind of man and in a way that made me want him more. Just being close made me tingly and warm and I couldn’t stand near him without finding an excuse to touch him; I’d slap his arm in jest, or pull a non-existent hair from his shoulder. Sometimes I’d pretend I needed to hold his forearm for steadiness while walking along the beach together. We did this often, Delilah dancing ahead like a little show pony. I was, at last, beginning to feel this was part of my adventure and I wasn’t sure how it was going to end yet but I was staying along for the ride.
I was thinking about Ben the next day while blobbing blueberry ice cream onto lavender and topping it with creamy honey and ginger. It was a lovely pastel-hued cone and I was enjoying the thought of his lips savouring this latest concoction. Ben and ice cream – my two favourite things. I was handing the large cone to the customer when I was rudely awoken from my daydreams by my phone ringing. I took the money and quickly answered. It was a number I didn’t recognise and I waited for a few seconds – there was nothing but silence. I said ‘hello’ a few times, but there was no reply. I was just about to click off when I heard her voice.
‘Ella… is that you?’ It was Gina, I hadn’t seen or heard from her for several days.
‘Where the hell are you?’ I started. I’d never spoken to her like this before, I’d always been respectful, in awe, but she’d let me down. ‘You said you wouldn’t just go off and leave without telling us,’ I felt tearful, like a child abandoned. ‘And… I miss you,’ I heard myself say, and a wave of guilt engulfed me thinking of Mum and how this would make her feel.
‘Oh darling, I miss you too. I know it’s been difficult, but I’ve had a lot of thinking to do.’
‘Why didn’t you say? And I just heard you’re divorced… you never told me. What else haven’t you told me? Mum always that you can’t be trusted, but I trusted you, Gina.’
‘I didn’t want this to be about my problems,’ she sounded upset. ‘My divorce is just another thing on the list of my failures.’ There was a silence and then she brightened, typical Gina, unable to cope with real life, she had to plaster make-up and gloss over everything. ‘I wanted this time together to be happy and carefree like it used to be when we were younger.’
‘And it has been, it can be. Gina, being happy doesn’t mean hiding things from people who love you.’
‘Sometimes it does,’ she said.
‘I wanted to believe in you, Gina, I really did – but Mum said you’d come in and shake everything up and leave again… and that’s exactly what you’ve done.’
‘I haven’t. I’ve not left, I’m in Barnstaple – I just needed some time to think everything through. Mum’s estate has been complicated.’
My heart lifted at this, so Gina hadn’t left after all.
‘And the café?’
‘We need to talk about that…’
I wasn’t sure that I wanted to. She’d probably just tell me that she’d sold the café and was going back to LA with the money. Perhaps that was the only reason she came here in the first place?
Against my better judgement, I agreed to meet her the following day and I put down the phone, unsure if she’d even turn up.
Later, Ben and I sat together on a bench overlooking the beach and ate fish and chips from paper. It was late, the stars were out and the night was slightly chilly. I was tired, talking to Gina had upset me, and I’d called Ben from the beach, he’d said a bag of salty chips was just what I needed. He was right. In fact, it seemed he was always right. We ate as we looked out to sea and I told him all about the phone call.
‘I don’t know what makes her tick, she’s an enigma,’ I sighed.
‘Perhaps she’s like that for a reason?’ he suggested. ‘She doesn’t want to be pinned down emotionally or physically.’
The irony of this statement wasn’t lost on me – he was describing himself.
‘She’s always been that way,’ I sighed. ‘I’m beginning to wonder if something happened that made her crave freedom and head to LA. It can’t have been easy growing up in a small town, where everyone knows your business, especially with Mum here, poking her nose in.
‘Yeah, one Italian matriarch would be bad enough, but two?’ Ben rolled his eyes. ‘Yeah, perhaps Gina’s boyfriend came up against the Italian matriarchs and went off and married someone else? Or perhaps he was already married, which would explain why she ran away.’
‘And would also explain my mother’s feelings towards her,’ I added, imagining my mother’s reaction to that bit of news.
So many permutations, and somehow they all led back to my mother. ‘I wonder if Mum tried to stop Gina from doing what she wanted to do? I’d resented it as a child, my mother always wanting to know where I was, who I was with…’
‘I imagine that must have been difficult for you as a teenager,’ he sighed, ‘but I’d have given anything for my mum to be around at that age. Dad wasn’t the most sensitive – and I conformed to the stereotype, staying out late, smoking pot and smirking in adults’ faces… oh and sleeping with unsuitable women.’
‘You’re still doing that,’ I winked.
He laughed, ‘No, I don’t think you’re an unsuitable woman.’
For a moment I wondered if I was ‘suitable’ for Ben, but doubted someone like him could ever relax into a life with someone, however well they were suited.
‘I can see why you’ve never settled; you lost your mum as a young kid and you’ve never really had anyone to come home to,’ I said, turning to look at him.
He nodded. ‘Yeah, and I think Dad saw me as a burden after she’d gone. It’s not easy coming home to the feeling you’re not really wa
nted.’
And yet still he returned, every year he’d come back on some pretence of working to earn money. But I wondered if all he really wanted was his father’s approval and he made the pilgrimage to this little Devon town each summer to try to win it.
‘Mmm Mum always made me feel wanted, it was just everyone else she tried to scare off,’ I sighed. ‘It was like she was worried I was going to be kidnapped or leave her – she spent most of my marriage telling me Dick wasn’t good enough, that he wasn’t right for me, filling me with doubts.’
‘Well, turns out she was right about that,’ he said, turning to look at me, his eyes shining in the darkness. I could hear the sea rolling onto the beach and the cool, fresh air danced across my cheeks as he leaned in to kiss me. ‘I hope Roberta’s giving me good PR?’ he said.
‘Yes, as a matter of fact she rather likes you, which is praise indeed, you must be something special.’
‘Do you think I am?’
I was surprised at his sudden seriousness. This was the guy who virtually had ‘no strings’ tattooed across his forehead. But here, now, with my chips going cold and the tide coming in I wondered if I’d got him all wrong.
‘Well, do you think I’m special?’ He was looking at me, searching my face in the darkness. ‘I suppose what I want to know is… is it worth me sticking around after September?’
I was amazed, I’d never expected this. He didn’t care what people thought, he lived his life, danced to his own tune and if you didn’t like it you could leave. But here he was offering to give up his chance to go to Hawaii, his dream… for me?
‘Is this a genuine enquiry?’ I asked.
‘Genuine. I want to know.’
‘Wow, I didn’t expect… okay, yes I like you, you’re kind and fun and we have a good time together…’
‘You could say that about a brother, what about your real feelings?’
‘I thought you didn’t do “feelings”?’ I said, playing for time, scared to give too much away.
‘I didn’t do feelings …until you.’
I felt a rush of warmth, my heart began beating faster, yet I was still unsure, still vulnerable, after all this was the guy who had never committed to a location, let alone a person. And what if he was the kind of person who fell in love and then got cold feet?
‘But you’ve always said we’re mates, you’ve never acknowledged me as your girlfriend.’
‘You’ve never acknowledged me as your boyfriend – but we’re grown-ups and we don’t need to have labels for each other. We both know how we feel, Ella.’
I could feel my heart thudding in my chest. This was exactly what I’d dreamed about hearing him say but I’d trained myself not to fall for Ben, I’d kept my heart locked shut and hidden the key somewhere because I didn’t want to get hurt again. I also didn’t want another man coming into my life at a crucial time and having to compromise, to give up or change what I had, however much I cared for him.
‘In an ideal world, I’d like you to stay here forever…’ I started. ‘But it’s not an ideal world, and unfortunately this isn’t just about me or you and what we want now,’ I said, the very thought of him leaving breaking my heart.
‘I just think this is different… you and me. I know it sounds stupid, immature even, but I don’t think I’ve ever been in love – so I don’t know how it feels,’ he said, screwing up his chip wrapper and aiming it in a nearby bin before putting his arm around my shoulder.
I couldn’t believe he’d even mentioned the ‘L’ word but I didn’t want to get carried away, after all he said he wasn’t really sure how it felt.
I smiled, and he sat back down and took me in his arms and kissed me for a long time. ‘You’ll know how love feels when it happens,’ I said.
‘Then it’s happened…’ he sighed, ‘and September is too soon.’
At this I was lost, and for a while we sat in silence, my heart swept out to sea. Was I ready to give Ben the key to my heart or should I keep it shut and protect myself because Ben was a free spirit? Did that mean he might get bored one day? He may think he feels this now but in a few weeks, months, when the weather had turned and our relationship was tested, would Hawaii be calling?
Eventually he spoke; ‘I never realised it until now…’
‘What?’
‘What you said before, that losing my mum has made me scared of falling in love; it makes sense, it’s obvious really, but sometimes you can’t see it in yourself, can you? But you’re right, I’ve always been scared of being close to someone – in case I lose them too.’
‘I understand how you feel,’ I said, recognising my own fears of being hurt, ‘I lost my dad when I was younger and then Dick, and in a way I lost Sophia and Gina – it was never explained to me, these two lovely women who adored me were suddenly removed from my life. And there’s always been this nagging voice in the back of my head. Was it my fault all these people left, will it happen again if I let someone in? And I know I’ll be devastated when you leave.’
‘I don’t have to go, Ella.’
‘I think you do.’ I didn’t want him to give this up for me. I wasn’t going to change for a relationship, I’d been there and seen how soul-destroying it could be, and I didn’t want to do that to Ben. I couldn’t take him away from his travels and his adventures, he’d just grow to resent me, so I had to let him go… didn’t I?
‘I don’t feel the same about going away,’ he said. ‘It used to fill me with longing, but now it makes me feel empty. I dread leaving you.’ He took my hand and looked into my eyes. ‘You remember the other evening when I was cooking dinner and you were making amaretto ice cream and we were together in the kitchen?’
I nodded.
‘We were together, kind of side by side, doing different things, but like a team, and this… this feeling came over me. I can’t explain it, but I thought yeah, I could be happy here, with her… forever.’
I was touched by this and my eyes filled with tears. ‘Stop it, Ben, you’re the one who said let’s just do now, you can’t change the rules.’
‘I know,’ he said, and I saw him touch his eye, knowing he was overwhelmed with emotion. I’d never seen him like this before and it was making me love him even more.
‘I feel like a kid,’ he said, ‘happy and sad and confused at the same time – like your birthday when you’re so excited you just spin round and round until you’re dizzy.’
‘I know, I feel like a little kid too,’ I smiled through the tears.
‘If I’m honest, this whole summer has felt like my birthday, Ella. And though the constant, excited spinning is slightly disorientating – I finally feel like I don’t need to run away any more.’ He smiled and held my face in his hands. ‘Babe, I think I might just have this.’
He’d never called me ‘babe’ before; come to think of it he’d never used a term of endearment towards me or about me.
‘But what about your dream, Hawaii – the dive – the final exam?’
‘I don’t know… I just don’t know any more,’ he said, and we looked at each other in the thick, dark silence, broken only by the sea.
This changed things, Ben now didn’t see his future on some faraway shore with a group of strangers. Perhaps there comes a time in all our lives when we’re ready to come home and face the truth, wherever and whatever that might be? But was Ben ready yet – or was he just scared that if he didn’t stay, I might go?
That night I went back to Ben’s for the first time. It felt special, like he was revealing the rest of himself to me, finally trusting me with everything. It was his father’s house, a huge, white-painted walled garden kind of place bought with tears from the divorces, divides and deaths of Appledore. It was quite beautiful, if a little shabby, but Ben said it had never been quite the same since his mother died. ‘She had a rose garden, it’s overgrown now, but she spent all her time out there.’
His own room was in an annexe at the side of the house, self-contained and private.
‘I didn’t realise it was so nice and secluded,’ I said, taking in the whitewashed walls, the clean, new furniture, the compact kitchen. ‘I can’t believe we’ve been friends for so long and you’ve only just invited me here,’ I said, surprised at my own use of the word ‘friends’. Was I more scared than Ben of committing myself to this?
‘I never invite anyone. You’re the first. Dad uses it for guests if ever his sister comes down from London, but other than that it’s just me here – it means I don’t disturb him if I’m home late. And he doesn’t disturb me when I sleep late,’ he smiled.
As a man who could be closed off when it came to his own life, being here gave a revealing glimpse of who he was. There were pictures everywhere from his travels, and framed pictures of him as a baby and as a little boy with his mum. It made me appreciate again how much he felt her loss all these years later. He’d been so young when she died and I knew how sharp that pain remained from my own loss of my dad. Ben was now a well-travelled thirty-nine-year-old man, and yet she was still a big part of his life.
He moved books and magazines off the sofa for me to sit down while he made coffee in the kitchen. The sofa was big and white and though it had seen better days it felt comfy and when he returned with the coffee we snuggled up together under a blanket.
‘Hearing about your mum makes me feel so lucky to still have mine. She drives me mad but I wouldn’t be without her,’ I said.
Ben smiled. ‘She’s something else your mum, isn’t she? I’ve never known anyone with so much energy.’
‘Mmm “energy” is a polite way of putting it. She’s fuelled by bitterness, resentment and strong tea,’ I laughed. ‘And yet I have to say I think she’s softened while she’s been here. Being by the sea, becoming Delilah’s “assistant”, and a new career as warm-up woman for the van has definitely changed her. She’s gone all soft and squidgy… well, less prickly at least, she still won’t have it that my Bellini ice cream made with Prosecco and fresh peach purée is a triumph.’
