“In recent years Sionna seems to have taken a special interest in cryonics, stem cells, and tissue regeneration,” Dr. Rosenberg explained. “She thought it was better for you to have a behavioral psychology and trauma specialist who has been actively working with patients in the field for several decades. Also, being family, she was a bit too close to the matter. A third party outsider might have a fresh perspective on your situation.”
“I’m glad you could make the trip, Doctor. Would it help if our daughter was here too?” Trevain asked. “She’s upstairs reading in her room right now. She’s a bit frustrated about something that happened earlier…”
“Maybe in a later session, but for now I would like to focus on getting to know you two. Just some basic details for our first time together. I feel it’s important for you to understand the way I work. I care deeply about my patients and I develop relationships with them—I expect you will be committed to improving your health and relationships, and in turn, I will be committed to helping you with all the tools and knowledge at my disposal. We require a partnership, but it must be voluntary—if either of you is completely satisfied with the current state of your life, you are free to leave the room now. We don’t have anything to talk about.”
Trevain and Aazuria remained silent, but neither got up to leave.
“Excellent. Now, both of you must be willing to devote a considerable amount of time and energy into this. We will be examining your past and sorting through the fears and barriers that limit you. At times it will be painful and uncomfortable. I may use techniques that make you skeptical, or address subjects you would prefer never to speak of. It will be very upsetting, but this is the way we grow. If either of you think that your family isn’t worth getting extremely pissed off and uncomfortable for, feel free to leave now.”
The king and queen of Adlivun stayed fastened to their chairs.
“Great,” Dr. Rosenberg said with a smile. He leaned forward and picked up his notebook. “Let’s get right into it then, shall we? Queen Aazuria, I have been briefed about the general elements of your situation. I understand that you were kidnapped—how long exactly were you held in captivity?”
“Nine years, six months, and thirteen days,” Aazuria responded. “Of course, I lost track when I was deep under the ice, with no sunlight, calendars, or clocks. I did the math when I returned to see how much time I’d lost.”
“And do you, indeed, consider that time lost?” the doctor asked.
Aazuria hesitated. When she tried to think back to Antarctica to determine how she felt about the whole situation, her mind seemed to want to shut down and change the subject. It was hard to hold the thought in her brain long enough to form an opinion on what had happened. She looked down at her hands, which had suddenly grown very cold and clammy as she pressed them together in her lap. She tried to think of the correct response. “No.”
“Why is that?”
She could feel Trevain’s eyes on her, and she glanced at him furtively before returning her gaze to her lap. “I had Varia. She was born healthy, despite the odds, and that was all that mattered. I dedicated the time to raising her and teaching her as much as I could. I taught her to defend herself, which was a skill I had evidently been lacking.”
“So you blame yourself for being captured?” the doctor asked.
“Of course,” Aazuria answered instantly. “I placed myself in a vulnerable position, away from the protection of my bodyguard. I made the mistake of being careless and thinking that I was safe.”
“So you constantly remind yourself that you’re not safe in order to avoid letting such a thing happen again?”
Aazuria’s eyes narrowed. “I suppose so.”
The doctor nodded, making a note in a small book he was holding. “And the war your people fought with the Clan of Zalcan. Do you blame yourself for that as well?”
“Yes. Technically, I led the attack.”
“Do you attribute this to a need for vengeance?”
Aazuria shrugged. “There were other factors, but yes. I promised my captor that I was going to go after his family and kill them, so I did.”
“Interesting. From what I understand, the Clan had conquered every other sea-dwelling nation except for yours. Don’t you think they placed you in a situation where you had to act to protect your people?”
“Well, yes. But perhaps if I had taken control of Adlivun sooner I could have insulated us—and our neighbors, the Ningyo—against the threat of attack. I could have made us stronger instead of letting it get this far…”
“So in every bad situation in your life, do you think of something you could have done differently to prevent it from having ever occurred? It seems to me that being queen has given you a falsely aggrandized sense of control over the world.”
“I—” Aazuria drew a deep breath. “I deposed my father from the throne when the people felt he was misleading us. If I had acted sooner, I probably could have prevented a considerable amount of heartache and loss of life for my people. It was my not taking control that got us into this mess. When I started realizing I needed to be a responsible adult, and a leader, that’s when things slowly started to get better.”
The doctor paused. “You deposed your father? How?”
“Uh.” Aazuria winced, glancing at Trevain again. “Well, I killed him.”
“Oh,” said Dr. Rosenberg, adjusting his glasses. “Sionna didn’t mention that. Very interesting. There’s a lot more to address here than I previously thought.”
“Great,” Aazuria said, leaning back in her chair. “Just great.”
“Can we change the subject for now, Doctor?” Trevain asked gently.
“Sure. I think I need to prepare a bit more before we tackle that one,” the doctor confessed. “How about we address intimacy? Queen Aazuria, forgive me for being very frank with you: When was the last time you had sexual intercourse with your husband?”
Aazuria’s entire body instantly tensed up, and she gripped the arm of her chair. “What?”
“It’s a simple question. When was the last time you had sexual intercourse with your husband?”
Aazuria pushed herself to a standing position and turned furiously to Trevain. “Is this why you wanted me to go to therapy?” she asked in a shocked whisper. “Did you want to try to convince me that I was mentally ill because of my choices—humiliate me in front of a stranger? If you had a problem you should have spoken to me directly instead of getting a professional mediator!”
“That’s not what this is about at all,” Trevain said, rising to his feet and lifting his hands in a gesture of peace. “Listen, Zuri, really. I just thought—”
“You are unbelievable!” she hissed. “If you wanted that from me, you should have asked for it. I didn’t think it bothered you. I know I’ve been neglecting my… wifely duties…”
“Goddamn it, Aazuria! They’re not wifely duties! I don’t want you to just tolerate being around me because you loved me once and feel like you owe me something. I want you to be with me because you love me now. Because you want to be here with me now, and don’t want to be somewhere else, with someone else.”
“But I do,” she insisted. “Trevain, I’m here with you. I’m right here.”
“Are you? Because it doesn’t feel that way to me.”
“I’m sorry,” she said tiredly. “I don’t know how else to be more here than to be standing right in front of you. Everything you ask, I try to do. You asked for this therapy session and I made time for it. So just request anything else you need to be happy, and I’ll give you whatever you want. It’s simple. We don’t need a doctor for this.”
“I don’t want anything from you,” Trevain said angrily. “Just continue going about your life the way you see fit—keep ignoring me. If it pleases you, you never have to speak to me again. I care about you—I care about us a great deal right now. I love Varia so much that it hurts. But if this doesn’t get fixed between us—if you keep running away every time we’re in t
he same room and don’t have official business to talk about, then I’m going to accept that. I’m going to give you what you seem to want, and quietly step out of your life.”
“Are you threatening me?” Aazuria asked in disbelief. “Leave then! If you want to go, just leave! I don’t care! Take anything you want—take riches, land, resources, property, people. I don’t care. I’ve lost you before and I was fine. I’ll manage! As long as I have Varia, I’ll manage.” Aazuria did not realize that she was crying until she felt the tears dripping from her chin. She turned her face away from his, and allowed her body to fall abruptly back into her chair. She looked back down at her hands in shame at her outburst. She almost expected to hear footsteps and the door slamming as Trevain left, but instead, she felt his hand on her shoulder.
She remembered then that he was compassionate and that she loved him. She did not know exactly why she was pushing him away, but she could not seem to stop. Every day, she seemed to want to push him further and further out of her life, and he had realized this. Teetering on the edge of some looming cliff, he had asked for these sessions only when he felt himself truly about to be pushed off and have his body smashed against the rocks below. He was asking her to throw him a rope, to give him a hand and help him back to her, and the least she could do was try. Through her tears, she knew that the comforting pressure of his hand on her shoulder was a good thing. She did want him in her life.
The doctor had been recording comments in a notebook. “See? Extremely pissed off and uncomfortable. We’re making progress already.” Dr. Rosenberg gave the couple a peaceful smile. “Queen Aazuria, it seems to me you avoid intimacy because you fear the loss of those closest to you. This is a very common reaction in trauma patients, and I’m very glad that you had someone who loved you enough to make you seek help. Most people just try to suffer through their problems alone, but they end up never getting past their issues or repairing their broken relationships. I’ve known many people who have died alone, while not being even on speaking terms with their parents, children, spouses, or siblings.”
“I have already died once,” Aazuria said softly. She lifted her hand to touch Trevain’s hand that still rested on her shoulder. “I was not alone.”
“Ah, yes,” the doctor said thoughtfully. “You were the recipient of Sionna’s… physical therapy. You have a very rich and complex past, Queen Aazuria.”
“Thank you, I suppose.”
“So back to my previous question,” the doctor said. “When was the last time you had intercourse with your husband?”
Aazuria did not flinch or display emotion this time. She had resumed her usual, expressionless composure. “Before I was abducted, Dr. Rosenberg.”
“And that was how long ago exactly?”
“Fifteen years,” she answered. Aazuria very much wished that a blue whale would burst through the wall and swallow her whole. She could feel her cheeks darkening in mortification and guilt. She knew that she had been a horrible wife. In this moment, she dearly wished that she had remained dead. It would have been easier for everyone she loved.
“And how long has it been since you had sexual intercourse with anyone?” the doctor asked.
Aazuria lifted her eyes to survey the doctor in surprise. She looked to Trevain who had returned to his seat in the chair beside her. She could see that he was curious, almost as though he wondered whether she had been with others. “Fifteen years,” she said softly. “It was—Prince Zalcan Hamnil. My captor.”
“Did he rape you?” the doctor asked.
“No. It was my choice. He didn’t know I was pregnant when he kidnapped me. I wanted to convince him that Varia was his daughter so he wouldn’t hurt her.”
“That was very clever of you, Queen Aazuria.” Dr. Rosenberg scribbled in his notebook. “Might I ask if you developed any attachment to your jailor?”
“Of course I did,” she responded, glancing at her husband again. Trevain had picked a paperweight off the desk and was now playing with it in his hands. She turned back to the doctor. “At first I was just appeasing the prince—trying to connect with the man and elicit his affection to preserve my life. But then I began to genuinely pity him and feel remorse for his sad life.”
“I see. This might seem slightly off-topic, but I must ask: did you love your father?”
She flinched again. “Yes. Very much.”
The doctor closed his notebook. “So, the last person you slept with was the man who abducted you. Fifteen years ago. A man who you killed, correct? Before starting a giant war to kill his entire family?”
“Yes,” she responded weakly.
“Great! Well, it seems like I’m up to speed here. It seems that Prince Zalcan was the second man who was rather close to you that you felt the need to kill. I can easily see why you might not want to be intimate with anyone, ever again. It’s one thing to lose a family member, or a friend, or a violent lover, but it’s another thing to lose these people by your own hand. To feel responsible. That sense of control that we mentioned before. You do feel responsible for all this, don’t you?”
“I am responsible,” Aazuria said plainly. “I stabbed them both in the chest.”
“Yes, but you refuse to see yourself as a victim of your circumstances. You consider these incidents actions of malicious intent, not logical reactions for self-preservation.”
“Reactions? I might have been faced with unusual circumstances, but I chose to react with violence. I could have exercised patience and tolerance, but I chose not to.” Aazuria shook her head in confusion. “I don’t think considering oneself a victim is a wise perspective to have, Doctor.”
“I don’t think that considering oneself a heartless killer and distancing oneself from everyone they love is a wise perspective either, your highness.”
Aazuria blinked.
“How can you forgive others and appreciate their merits if you cannot appreciate your own?” the doctor asked. “I hardly know you, but I already feel invested in your life from what little I have heard. I would love the chance to work through some of these issues and see you truly content with your life, and truly enjoying each day. You are the woman who has everything; you have endless riches, an impressive title, an empire, and a loving family. Why should you not be able to enjoy this? Why should you be frightened and unhappy? Why should you live in constant fear of losing everything?”
She thought about this for a second and found she could not respond. She was afraid. She was constantly afraid.
The doctor leaned forward, studying her thoughtfully. “Do you think there might be some issues here that we could work through, Queen Aazuria? I do. Would you like to accept my help?”
“Yes,” she found herself saying instantly. She wanted to like the doctor. Perhaps she should trust her intuition.
“Glad to hear it!” he said cheerfully. He relaxed into his chair and turned to Trevain. “So, let’s switch the focus to you, my friend. This is supposed to be family therapy, after all. Although I have a hunch that the lady is far more interesting than you are, I don’t want her to feel like I’m only attacking her—so I need to attack you for a bit.”
“That’s fine with me,” Trevain said, tossing his paperweight into the air casually.
“Wonderful. So, King Trevain—when was the last time you had sexual intercourse?”
Trevain’s eyes widened in surprise. After he awkwardly mishandled the paperweight he had been throwing, blundering with both hands in an attempt to catch it upon its descent, it went crashing to the ground. He cleared his throat in embarrassment as he looked sheepishly to Aazuria. “Um. Well.” He began to scratch his cheek in an attempt to delay the inevitable, and Aazuria wondered whether he was also wishing for a blue whale to swallow him whole. “I suppose it’s been a bit more recently than that. Not that it was too recently. Although, I’m not complaining about the recentness of… oh, fuck.”
Aazuria smiled. He was cute when he was fumbling and embarrassed. She had underestimated just
how guilty he felt about the whole situation. It certainly explained the extravagant gifts of jewelry and flowers that arrived on every occasion. Maybe therapy was going to be fun after all.
“Sorry, Agents,” Naclana said as he opened the door. “It seems that Queen Aazuria won’t be able to attend this meeting after all, due to a private family matter.”
“I expected as much,” said one of the men. “People always cancel when they have something to hide. We’ll be on our way.”
Naclana cleared his throat loudly. “Actually, we might have someone else who can give you the information you need. You said your inquiry was into Vachlan Suchos, correct?”
“Yes.”
“Well, Vachlan is here in the castle and you can speak to him directly if you like.”
“That could be helpful,” one of the men said in surprise.
“Excellent. Just a moment,” said Naclana, disappearing from the doorway.
“This is an unusual turn of events,” a female agent said quietly.
“It could work in our favor.”
“Not if he’s as dangerous as they say he is,” the female agent whispered.
“We’re all armed. What’s the trouble?”
“He’s older than all of us combined, so probably smarter and better trained?”
“Honestly, Karen. You can be such a scared little rookie.”
“It’s called caution, Jack. You should try it someti—” The agent trailed off when a pair of shiny black shoes appeared in the doorway, directly in her line of sight. They were polished to the point of being reflective, and the agent’s lips remained parted in surprise as her eyes traveled upward, drinking in the Adluvian ceremonial uniform. Her job often required a lot of contact with foreign military, but few nations had a uniform as elaborate and sophisticated as Adlivun’s outfit. Her eyes took in the metal belt around a tapered waist, gold buttons, and golden epaulettes on each shoulder. It definitely put the American military uniform to shame. The man inside the clothes was tanned, with dark eyes and jet black hair pulled into a ponytail.
Tides of Tranquility Page 6
