by Leddy Harper
Adrianna glanced from me to the floor, then to Shari. It was as if she couldn’t look me in the eyes. “I…um…I saw a friend’s boudoir photos and really loved them.”
I walked slowly toward her, as if walking too fast might scare her away. She was beautiful, absolutely stunning, yet she appeared to be so bashful.
“I take it you’ve never done one of these before?”
She shook her head, still unable to look me in the eye.
“That’s okay.” I placed my hand on her shoulder, hoping it’d offer her some comfort. Her posture immediately relaxed and she finally met my gaze. Bright green eyes the color of fresh grass met mine, and I couldn’t wait to capture them with my lens. “Are you doing this for you, or for someone else?”
“I guess both.” She seemed unsure of her answer, so I stoned my expression, not wanting to make her more insecure. “I mean…mostly for me. I plan on holding onto them for a while before giving them to him…”
Him. Most women came in for sexy photos for a “him,” so she wouldn’t be any different. But I loved how she wanted to hold onto them for a while. Just for her.
“Okay, sounds perfect. I have an idea. Do you trust me?” I asked and she nodded quickly, as if she didn’t even have to think about her answer. It surprised me, to be honest, because I was a stranger to her. But I guess it meant I was good at my job, to make people blindly trust in my visions.
I instructed Shari to take her to the changing room, and told her what my ideas were. Shari gave me a sly smile while Adrianna stared at the floor.
While I waited for her to return, I checked my phone again and decided to send another message when he still hadn’t responded.
Me: Hey! I hope you’re still not asleep! It’s almost noon!
I hit send just as they came back to the room. Adrianna wore a robe, and her hands fiddled with the tie. I walked to her and took her hands, waiting until her eyes met mine.
“You don’t have to do this, you know.”
She nodded and took a deep breath.
“If at any point, you become uncomfortable, just tell me to stop and I will.” I wasn’t used to this kind of behavior from clients. Most of the time, they came in full of confidence, ready to get started. But Adrianna seemed different.
She nodded again, and I wondered if I’d ever get her to loosen up enough to talk, let alone to drop the robe and pose.
“The first shots will be easy. It should help you get used to the camera and become more comfortable.” I waited for her acknowledgment before continuing. “When you’re ready, I want you to remove the robe and sit on the couch. Relax into it. Don’t pose, don’t think about me moving around with my camera. Block it all out. Is there something you can think of to make you relax?”
Her gaze flitted around the room. Her words were quiet yet full of passion when she said, “The floor.”
I didn’t respond, waiting for her to finish her thought. The way she stood there, gazing off into the distance with bright eyes, I knew she had more to say.
“The way the springs give way beneath my feet the moment before a flip, and the way they absorb my land.”
I smiled at her words, feeling her passion as if I’d somehow experienced it myself. Then her gaze found mine again, and she nodded before turning to make her way to the white couch along the far wall in the room.
She untied the robe and let the silk material fall to her feet before slowly lowering herself to the center of the couch and reclined her head against the back. I didn’t hesitate before pulling the viewfinder to my eye and clicking away. It was simple, nothing sexy or daring. Just a plain white tank that didn’t even elude to any cleavage, but the way she leaned back, her chest on display, her eyes closed with a peaceful curve to her full and pouty lips, made me believe I’d captured an angel.
I moved around her and let her adjust herself, let her set the tone of the shot for about five minutes before moving on. Once I stood back and stopped snapping pictures, her attention returned to me.
“Okay, we’ll move on to the next thing whenever you’re ready. Take your time. When you feel good enough to start, I need you to take off the tank top and stand against that wall.” I pointed to the brick wall next to the window where I had a light positioned to emulate the sun.
I thought it would take her longer, but she surprised me when she got up, pulled the tank over her head, and let it fall to the floor at her feet. Then she straightened her spine and stood where I’d directed her.
I quickly picked up the camera and positioned myself in front of her, checking the light first before pointing and shooting. I had her wear a diamond-encrusted bra that caught the light well and accentuated her breasts. How this girl ever felt self-conscious, I’d never know. I’d kill to have her elegant muscle definition and toned body.
After taking a few in the bra, I handed her a strand of pearls and the robe. She gave me a wondrous look before pulling the robe to cover her chest.
“As long as you’re okay with it, I’d like for you to remove the bra and drape the pearls around your neck. I will fix them how I need them, and you can cover yourself with the robe if you’d like.”
“Are…are you going to…”
“No.” I already knew her question without having to hear it. Her bright eyes said it all. “It’ll be elegant and classy. I promise.”
She nodded and spun around to remove the bra, holding the robe tightly against her chest. To keep her from struggling, I took the pearls from her and wrapped them around her neck, draping them along the soft curve of her back. Then I held her shoulders.
“Stand here.” I moved her forward toward the wall again, and pointed to the bricks where I wanted her hands to go.
She did as I asked, and once the robe fell to the floor again, I picked it up and moved it out of my way. Then I began shooting more, unable to stop my finger from pressing the shutter release. Every shot felt perfect.
The soft splatter of freckles across the bridge of her nose added depth to each take. The way she glanced down, her chin close but not touching her bare shoulder, offered grace. Her dark hair covering her face in another shot added a level of mystery I found hard to capture in most shots. And the way she stood bare, naked, yet nothing seen past her arm, past the way she’d positioned herself against the weathered bricks, screamed sexy.
I picked up the robe up and handed it back to her. “That was beautiful. Thank you so much, Adrianna, for allowing me to do this, and for trusting me with your images. You can get dressed now.”
“When do you think you’ll have them ready?”
“You can come by anytime after next week to go through them. You can order whichever prints you want then.”
She nodded, and for the first time since meeting her, a soft, gracious smile curled the corner of her lips. It was the confidence on her face that meant the most.
That was why I did this job.
“Why do you keep checking your phone?” Shari asked after sitting across from me at my desk while we waited for Adrianna to change.
“Nolan.” I tossed my cell on the desk and heaved a heavy sigh. “The last time I heard from him was last night when he sent me a vague text about not being able to make it to dinner tonight.”
“He didn’t tell you why?”
“No. He said he had to meet with someone.”
“Okay…so what’s the issue?” She leaned forward, pressed her elbow against the edge of the desk, and propped her chin on her knuckles.
“He said he’d talk to me this morning, but I’ve sent him two text messages and haven’t heard back from him on either of them. It’s just not like him.”
“Maybe he’s sleeping.”
I shook my head, knowing Nolan more than she did. “He doesn’t sleep this late. He’s usually up before the sun.”
“So…what are you thinking?”
I shrugged, honestly having no idea what I thought about it. “Maybe he’s busy with his darkroom. He told me he’s been working on
it, which was why I haven’t seen him in days. He seemed excited about it, so maybe he’s just enjoying it.”
“Which would be a good thing.” Shari knew everything about Nolan, because I’d told her. I hated the sense of betrayal that washed over me at the thought of sharing his personal business with someone else, but I couldn’t handle it all on my own. I needed to talk to someone about it. “You’re good for him, Novah.”
I smiled at her, but before I could respond, Adrianna came back out. Shari and I walked her to the door and thanked her, waiting a few minutes before locking up so she wouldn’t feel rushed.
“Want to hang out with me and Mike today?” Shari’s eyebrows wagged as she delivered an excited grin.
“No. By the look on your face, you’ll have me convinced to take pictures of you two having some kind of crazy circus-style sex. I’ll pass.”
“You’re missing out.” Her singsong voice floated out the door behind her as she left, leaving me to clean everything up. Although, I didn’t complain, since she’d set everything up for me.
I spent an hour at the studio organizing everything. I didn’t have to spend that much time doing it, but I’d been distracted with my phone, constantly checking it every fifteen minutes. And I really needed something to take my mind off Nolan.
Nothing worked.
Listening to Shari talk about sex with Mike made me think about Nolan. I thought about how every time we’d been intimate had been a different and new experience. And it made me look forward to more with him. It made me think about how it’d be when he could finally let go and make love to me.
I put everything away and tried texting him again.
Me: I don’t know what time your plans are tonight, but I’m free and wondered if you’d like to get together before?
I knew better than to hold my breath for a reply, but I did anyway. And it only let me down after I got home twenty minutes later and still hadn’t received anything back.
Worry began to weigh me down the longer it went without a word from him. I had to quiet my fears by making up a list of excuses.
His plans were for all day, not just the night.
He was called in for a job.
He left his phone at home.
He slipped and fell in his shower.
No, I refuse to think the worst.
Yet no matter how hard I tried to be positive about his silence, it still nagged me. To keep busy, I decided to clean my entire house. Then, I played around with Adrianna’s pictures until I had a full spread of finalized shots. At least those kept my mind occupied.
Once I put my computer away, I realized the time. It was after nine, and still no word from Nolan. Instead of giving him time and space, I grabbed my purse and headed over to his condo. I figured if he weren’t home, I’d wait for him and surprise him when he walked in by pulling a scene straight from Pretty Woman. Tie and all.
Luckily, he’d let me keep the set of keys from when he’d given them to me a couple weeks ago. He said he wanted me to have them as a show of his commitment. Which had made me happy at the time. Now I felt relieved.
The place was dark and quiet when I opened the door, which would have led me to believe he wasn’t home. But his car keys were on the table and his shoes were next to the door. My heart rate increased until my ribcage was bruised.
I called out his name a few times, not getting any response, so I made my way down the hallway to his bedroom. The door was closed and no light shone beneath it. Trying to remain quiet in the event he was asleep, I carefully opened the door and made my way in, using my hands to guide me as I blindly wandered to the bed.
As soon as my hand felt him beneath the blanket, I relaxed. I couldn’t fathom why he’d be asleep so early—it wasn’t even ten o’clock yet—but I assumed he’d had a bad day. I should’ve left him alone, but after worrying over him all day, I couldn’t. He’d be pissed if he woke up and found me in bed with him, but I had to take that chance. I needed him, and something told me he needed me as well.
I stumbled to the bathroom and flicked on the light. All I wanted to do was wash my face and then take off my clothes before curling up with him in bed. But then I saw it.
An empty medicine bottle on the counter.
I checked the label, realizing it was an old prescription for oxy. An empty glass sat beside it with the cap lying on the floor at my feet.
Acid burned the back of my throat as my fears became reality. Not hearing from him all day. Asleep before ten at night.
No.
No.
No.
I gripped the bottle and flung the door open. Using the light from the bathroom, I ran back to his bed, practically jumping on him. I shook him, cried out for him to wake up. My sobs rippled through my entire body as I clung to him, as I buried my face in his neck. His name ripped through my chest in frantic, desperate cries, begging him to be okay.
I hated him.
I loved him.
And then I realized I’d never said those words to him. I thought he wasn’t ready to hear them. But then I wondered if maybe hearing them could’ve helped him. Maybe he did this because he didn’t feel loved? What if this was because I hadn’t said it to him?
“I love you,” I whispered into his bare chest. “I love you, Nolan. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you before. I should’ve told you. I fucking love you so much. Why did you do this? Why? How could you do this?” Panic struck me deep, leaving my throat tight and on fire, silencing my cries.
The initial shock began to wane as a brutal wave of electricity took over. My skin burned from the inside once reality set in. He didn’t need me to confess my love to him; it wouldn’t save him. He needed help. I began to pull away from him to find my phone, not remembering where it was. All I knew was I needed to get it.
But as I tried to draw back, my movements met with resistance. It wasn’t until that moment when I realized his arms had, at some point, wrapped around me. He wasn’t sleeping. He was holding me against him, breathing heavily into my hair.
How had I missed this?
How did I not feel any of this?
“Nolan?” My voice was weak and filled with tears, but also completely hopeful.
He shushed me and held me tighter. “Say it again,” he demanded with a gritty, groggy tone.
“Say what again?”
“Tell me you fucking love me.”
I relaxed into him and pressed my lips to his shoulder. “I fucking love you. And I fucking hate you.”
“Do you love me more than you hate me?”
“I don’t know right now.”
He released his hold on me and let me go. I straddled his waist as I tried to find his face in the faint bathroom light spilling into the room.
“Please tell me you didn’t do this.” I held out the empty prescription bottle in front of his face and watched as the shadows of his expression fell. “Nolan…”
“I didn’t take them.” He began to sit up, which pushed me farther away from him until I climbed off his lap.
“Then why is there an empty oxy bottle next to a drinking glass in your bathroom? And why are you asleep so early? You haven’t responded to me at all today.”
He sat on the edge of the bed, dropped his head into his hands, and took deep breaths before speaking. “I flushed them down the toilet and never threw away the bottle. The glass is always in the bathroom because I use it to rinse after brushing my teeth.”
“Why did you even have the bottle out to begin with?”
His hands finally fell away from his face. His gaze met mine at the same moment the light reflected off the moisture in his eyes. “I honestly don’t know. I guess to take one to help with the pain? But then my mind went really dark and I ended up holding a handful.”
“So you thought about it?”
He shrugged slightly, as if he wasn’t sure of his answer. “Not really, but yes. I thought more about how easy it would be, but not really about following through with it.”
&
nbsp; “What happened today? I thought you had plans tonight? You never answered any of my texts. Tell me what’s going on, Nolan.” It was meant to sound like a demand, but ended up coming out like a plea.
A desperate, fearful plea.
“I did have plans. My dad wanted to get together over dinner. But then this morning he changed the plans and took me out for breakfast instead.”
“I’ve sent texts all day…”
“I’m sorry,” he said with a deep sigh. “My dad has a way of fucking with my head, and ever since leaving him this morning, everything has gone to shit.”
“What happened?” I whispered, on the verge of crying more.
“He…pissed me off. I came home, took a shower, and then found the pills. It wasn’t like I wanted to take them, Novah. I swear. I thought about it, sure. But it was more about shutting my father up than anything else.”
“So why did you flush them? What made you do that?” I didn’t want him to say it was because of me. I loved how I’d been able to save him in the past from following through with it, but in reality, it’d never been me who had saved him. I’d only been a memory. We were together now, and I desperately wanted to see some change in him. I needed to see some proof of him fighting for himself.
I couldn’t keep doing this if I had to worry all the time about him ending his life. I wasn’t strong enough for that.
A small sigh escaped him as he ran his fingers over his face. “The only reason to take them was to put an end to the hateful words replaying over and over again in my head.”
“What hateful words?”
“My dad’s. He has a way of getting inside my thoughts and making me doubt everything. I don’t agree with anything he says, yet I find myself believing him. And I hate it.”
“So you wanted to shut him up in your head?”
He nodded and leaned forward, dropping his attention to his lap. So much emotion poured from him, but I couldn’t seem to understand anything other than hopelessness.
“I just needed to do something to take my mind off it, to focus on something else…not kill myself. I’ve been there before—I know all too well what desperation leads to. I know what it’s like to believe you’re facing a wall with nowhere to run. But that’s not how it was today…it’s not how it is anymore. The wall is still there, but now I have you. You are where I can run to.”
