The Antenatal Group

by Amy Bratley

  ‘Of course,’ Mel said, taking her mum’s suitcase and smiling a watery smile. ‘It’s so good to see you. I miss you.’

  ‘Me, too,’ said her mum, taking the suitcase back. ‘I’ll get that. So are you coping?’

  ‘I’m trying, Mum, but I’m beginning to think Leo’s never coming back and, if he did, I don’t know if I’d have him now . . .’ Mel said. ‘And, upstairs, I’m in the middle of having a baby shower. They do it in America, apparently. There are a few people here. Some of the girls from work and my antenatal class came round to give me a little send-off. I don’t think they’ll be here too long. Then we can talk.’

  ‘A baby shower?’ asked Bella, with mock horror. ‘I hope not literally.’

  Mel smiled and gestured for her mum to follow her upstairs. At the front door, she removed her ankle boots and took off her trench coat. Underneath the coat, she wore a chocolate-brown dress with a belt around the middle and a colourful scarf around her neck. She chatted about an art exhibition she’d seen with Mel’s aunt before glancing at herself in the mirror and following Mel through into the living room, where Rebecca, Erin, Lexi and two girls from Mel’s work were sitting on the sofas, chairs and floor, drinking non-alcoholic/alcoholic cocktails out of baby bottles. A Fleet Foxes album was playing and one of the windows was open slightly, because Mel had burned the pizzas and they’d had to order a takeaway instead.

  ‘Ladies,’ said Mel. ‘This is my mum, Bella. She’s going to be staying for a few days and, maybe, though we haven’t talked about it yet, be my birth partner since Leo is—’

  She stopped talking to prevent the tears coming and gave a heartfelt smile instead. Bella put her arm around her daughter and gave her a big hug.

  ‘Hello, everyone,’ she said. ‘I hope you don’t mind an oldie like me crashing your party.’

  ‘Not at all,’ said Lexi. ‘We can’t exactly be wild and reckless, though I think Mel’s colleagues have other plans for later. I’m Lexi – it’s lovely to meet you. Would you like one of these drinks?’

  Mel’s eyes darted around the flat, quickly summing up exactly how disappointed her mum was going to be in her powers of domesticity. Her gaze landed on the great pile of washing which towered in the entrance to the kitchen, near the washing machine but not in it, and the knitting projects she was halfway through exploding from the side of the sofa like a work of modern art. Even though Bella had a busy life running two jobs, as a nutritionist and a piano tutor, alongside the cycling club and tennis club and being an active member of the Green Party and the over-sixties folk club, her house was the stuff of lifestyle magazines.

  ‘I bet you’d prefer a tea, wouldn’t you, Mum?’ Mel asked. ‘Darjeeling? I’ve bought a new pack.’

  ‘No, thank you,’ Bella said, screwing up her nose. ‘I want one of these cocktails, thank you, Lexi. What a great name, by the way.’

  ‘Thanks,’ said Lexi with a smile. ‘I wish I could say it was my idea. It was probably the only good decision my mum ever made.’

  Mel moved into the kitchen and emptied more bags of crisps into bowls, alongside a bowl of olives and artichoke hearts. Pouring water into a jug, she paused when she heard Bella laugh her tinkling laugh. Then she heard the conversation turn to Leo.

  ‘If I could get my hands on him,’ she heard Bella say, ‘I’d wring his scrawny little neck, I really would. Where’s his sense of loyalty, for heaven’s sake—’

  Mel stood still as she heard one of her colleagues, Bronya, speaking in a low voice. Bella began speaking again, but she couldn’t hear what else her mum was saying. Suddenly, the girls burst into applause. Mel banged a cup down on the sideboard and felt the baby kick really hard. Lifting up her top, she watched the middle of her stomach protrude bizarrely, into a dome, almost as if the baby was going to burst out of her belly button. Minutes later, Lexi came into the kitchen with an empty bottle, which she put into the sink.

  ‘Your mum’s a live wire,’ Lexi said. ‘She’s laying into Leo like nothing else.’

  ‘Yeah,’ said Mel. ‘And it’s pissing me off. She’s only been here for a minute, and she doesn’t know the whole story!’

  ‘Ah,’ said Lexi. ‘She means well. She’s only defending you. We’ll be the same one day when our babies have grown up.’

  ‘I guess so,’ said Mel with a big sigh. ‘I’m just kind of embarrassed that this is happening, you know? That I chose such a crap boyfriend? I really didn’t think he was crap before now. I was completely in love. Ha!’

  Mel tossed the burned pizza into the dustbin. Walking back into the living room, she caught the end of the conversation, where words like ‘Leo’ and ‘bastard’ were being tossed around so flamboyantly it was as if the women were actually having fun dissecting Mel’s partner. But, thought Mel, it wasn’t fair. Leo would absolutely hate being talked about like this, even if he did deserve it. She forced herself to smile, but Bella pulled a sad face at her.

  ‘Come and sit down, love,’ she said. ‘Tell us what you think.’

  Mel sat down on the sofa and tucked her legs up to reduce the swelling. She rubbed her eyes and pushed her hand through her fringe. ‘I think he’s a bastard,’ she said with a smile. ‘But I wanted to be the one to say it.’

  Everyone laughed, and Mel leaned back, pointing at her navel, which was rippling as the baby moved. Bella rested her hand on Mel’s belly and squealed with delight.

  ‘No,’ Mel said. ‘I don’t mean that about Leo. He’s going through something. I’m not sure what because he won’t tell me. I’ve told him not to bother coming back unless he can be supportive and, guess what, he’s not here—’

  ‘Can you ever really trust someone who can walk out like that at such an important time?’ said Erica, one of Mel’s colleagues.

  Mel stayed quiet then let out a sigh. She banged her palms down on the armchair. ‘I don’t know!’ she said. ‘I really don’t.’

  ‘It’ll all become clear, love,’ said Bella. ‘Everything always does. Nothing stays muddled for ever. Personally, I would like his guts for garters. He needs a good kick up the backside and someone to tell him what an immature little prick he’s being—’

  ‘Oh, Mum,’ said Mel, feeling annoyingly protective of Leo. ‘Don’t say that.’

  ‘Thought so,’ said Bella, looking smug.

  ‘What do you mean, “thought so?”’ Mel asked.

  ‘You love him,’ Bella said. ‘You still love him, despite his last-minute nerves.’

  Mel felt annoyed. ‘And?’

  ‘And so you need to take the bull by the horns and sort it all out. Be the brave one. Take back what you said to him and try again to find out what’s really going on with him. You love him and you need to take control.’

  No shit, Sherlock, thought Mel, but she didn’t say anything. She loved her mum, but, she remembered, she always thought she knew everything. What would she be like during the labour if she was Mel’s birth partner? She’d be bossing everyone around. The doorbell went and Lexi went to answer it. Mel supposed it was the takeaway pizza they’d ordered, though now she was more tired than hungry. At the door, Mel’s ears pricked up when she heard a familiar voice.

  ‘I thought I could hear the unmistakable sounds of an all-girl party,’ said Mrs Lelani, arriving in the room and clasping her hands together in pleasure. ‘Any room for a little old one?’

  At eleven p.m., Lexi was waiting outside Mel’s flat for Gary to pick her up. It was a clear, cold night and the stars shone like white eyeballs in the sky. She pulled her coat a little closer to her and smiled when she saw the headlights of Gary’s car flashing at her in the dark. She was pleased to see him, and waved. Since they’d met a couple of weeks ago, Lexi had started calling him her chauffeur, a title he seemed to have taken on with pride. Pulling up beside her, Gary leapt out the door of his Renault to open the door for her. She laughed when she saw he was wearing a chauffeur’s hat.

  ‘What’s this?’ she said, pulling at it.

  Gary grinned,
his gold tooth glinting. ‘I’m simply taking my role in your life very seriously,’ he said. ‘Plus, I find myself intensely funny.’

  Lexi let out a laugh and headed into the back of the cab.

  ‘So,’ Gary said, ‘how was your night?’

  ‘Good, thanks,’ answered Lexi, as she moved uncomfortably in her seat, trying to pull the seatbelt over and plug it in. Being this pregnant was not easy, especially because she was carrying so much extra weight. The midwife had told her not to worry, as long as her blood pressure was fine, which it was. It was the heartburn, though, that she hated most of all. Avoiding spicy food and not eating late at night hadn’t really helped. The only time she felt relieved of her weight and comfortable enough to relax was in a warm bath, with candles all around the bathroom, Café del Mar playing on the stereo, emptying her head of work and family stresses. Now, with swollen feet after sitting upright all evening, that’s all she craved.

  ‘I’d love a bath,’ she said vaguely, at which Gary twisted to look at her and grinned as if she’d invited him in with her.

  ‘Why the suggestive look?’ she asked, laughing. ‘I don’t think there’d be room for us both.’

  Gary laughed. This low-level flirting was how they talked; their conversation had never ventured beyond the silly and superficial. Lexi reflected that she related to most men like this – in a cheeky, witty manner. She found that was the easiest way: to make men laugh, not to divulge any personal information. That way, she could become their mate. If they weren’t laughing, she started to panic and – it sounded terrible – would often end up sleeping with them. What was the psychology behind that? I can’t make you laugh, but I’ll make you orgasm. Whatever the relationship, she usually kept the upper hand. Apart from with Alan. There was always an exception to the rule, waiting to trip you up.

  ‘Counting down the days now?’ said Gary. ‘Is your other half going to be at the birth with you?’

  ‘Er,’ she said. ‘Erm.’

  Lexi prepared herself to answer. This man was obsessed with her other half. Though she’d been in the cab four times since they’d met, she hadn’t yet told him the truth. She’d spent the evening talking to the girls about sperm donation and felt exhausted by all the attention she’d got as a result. Sometimes, she wished she’d never told anyone. But what else would she say, and why should she hide the truth? She wasn’t ashamed. Gary turned on his Guns N’ Roses album and waited for her to answer. The music annoyed her, and she gestured for him to turn it down. He did as she asked, but not quite as low as she would have liked. Then he turned on the engine and started to drive. Lexi was relieved to be setting off home.

  ‘Gotta to be able to hear my music, Lexi,’ he said. ‘It’s the theme tune to my life.’

  ‘Jesus,’ said Lexi. ‘Do you listen to the same album the whole time? What’s wrong with The Sound of Music?’

  ‘Are you serious?’ asked Gary, laughing.

  ‘No,’ said Lexi. ‘Talking of theme tunes, how’s the script coming along?’

  Gary’s face was blank. ‘Yeah,’ he said, suddenly remembering what he’d told her. ‘Storming. Sure to be a blockbuster. So, what were you going to say? About your other half?’

  Lexi tipped her head back against the seat. The window had steamed up, so she rubbed a circle with the back of her hand. She leaned her cheek against the glass.

  ‘Oh, for heaven’s sake, I don’t have an other half!’ she said to Gary. ‘I’m on my own. I’m having the baby alone. Why do you care so much? ’

  Gary looked forward as he waited at the lights, saying nothing. She watched his fingers clench the steering wheel. He turned down his music further and cleared his throat. ‘I was hoping you’d say that,’ he said quietly.

  ‘Pardon?’ Lexi answered, irritated, watching buildings blur by as he sped up and turned into her street. Pulling up outside her house, he turned off his engine and twisted round to face her, his leather jacket squeaking as he did so.

  ‘Lexi,’ he said, ‘this might sound strange, because I know you’re about to have a baby, but I can’t stop thinking about you. When you call my heart leaps about like a frog in my chest. I drive up and down this street like a moron hoping you’ll come out and I can offer you a lift somewhere. I’ve cancelled other customers, even feigned illness, so I can pick up you. It’s the strangest thing, but I’m . . .’

  Lexi’s cheeks were burning and her pulse racing. Her brain scrambled as she attempted to think of a fitting wisecrack, but nothing came. Pregnancy was making her a little bit slow. In the past, that kind of come-on would have been enough for her to invite Gary in, drink too much booze, end up having sex and wake up full of regret. With one hand on the handle of the car door, she opened her mouth to speak.

  ‘Lexi,’ he said giving her a winsome grin, ‘I have a crush on you, something bad. I’d love it if we could be—’

  Lexi held up her hand, gesturing for him to stop speaking. He did. He sat there in the dark, blinking, reduced suddenly from heavy-metal-loving alpha male to a harvest mouse, quivering in the moonlight. Lexi’s heart softened. ‘Before you say anything else,’ she said with a sigh, ‘I might as well point out some harsh truths. You may have noticed that I’m about to give birth. There are ten days until my due date. It’s all rather complicated, because the baby is a baby by donor sperm, so I’m a single mother by choice. I know that sounds a bit like the title of a Beyoncé song, but I so wanted a baby and I looked for a partner, but every relationship I’ve ever had has ended in disaster. In my job, I can see where people go wrong. In my own life, I can’t. There’s something about me that doesn’t equate with being in a steady relationship. Invariably, it’s me who ruins it, by losing the plot and acting insanely. I think it’s got something to do with my childhood. My mother was very depressed and my father not really around, so I spent years waiting for someone to take me away from it all, waiting for everything to change. I spent years waiting for a miracle. When it didn’t come, I took control of my life and, from then on in, I’ve never really allowed myself to get close to people. I push them away. I’ve even made up lies in the past, to push people away. And, at the bottom of me, I’m never sure whether I want to push them away because they’re wrong for me or because I’m wrong for them. Plus, I’ve got a ridiculous crush on someone that I had a one-night stand with and believed he was my soulmate. Basically, Gary, in a nutshell, I’m a no-go area. Off limits. Nightmare.’

  Lexi exhaled. Why was she gabbling so much tonight? Ouch! A sudden cramping sensation burned in her abdomen. She wondered if she needed the loo. Her head fuzzed, too, and she blinked a few times, regretting the cocktail she’d had at Mel’s. Gary’s radio buzzed rudely into the cab, making her jump. He swore at it and turned down the volume.

  ‘But what do you actually believe, though, Lexi?’ asked Gary. ‘Do you think true love exists?’

  As nice as Gary was, Lexi was tired. She didn’t feel like having a philosophical discussion with him about love when, really, she wanted to be in the bath, or in her bed, trying to snatch sleep from the tirade of broken nights that was late pregnancy. She was about to tell him so, then saw a pleading expression in his eyes. She sighed.

  ‘I used to believe that there was one person for you,’ said Lexi. ‘But then I set out on this path of looking and I got kind of . . . of . . . of—’

  There was another sharp pain. Lexi breathed deeply, realizing that she did definitely need the loo.

  ‘—lost?’ said Gary. ‘Because our stories sound very similar.’

  ‘Do they?’ asked Lexi, frowning, thinking she hadn’t even told her story yet.

  ‘Yes,’ said Gary. ‘I grew up in foster homes and, though my foster parents loved me, I didn’t really believe they wanted me, so I went through the first part of my adult life not believing I was good enough to love.’

  ‘Oh my God,’ said Lexi, closing her eyes.

  ‘What?’ said Gary. ‘I haven’t even got to the good bit yet! It’s not a sob story, I pro
mise. Hear me out?’

  Lexi pulled open the car door and put one foot on the pavement.

  ‘Maybe this was too much,’ Gary was saying as he moved around to her door. ‘I should have held back, but I can’t! It’s not in me to hold back. I’m half Italian!’

  As he held her hand to help her up and out of the car, Lexi gripped on to his leather jacket and bent over as she felt another pain coming.

  ‘No, it’s because I think I need the toilet,’ she said. ‘Something’s happening.’

  Gripping on to Gary’s arm, she waddled to her flat and unlocked the door.

  ‘I feel like I’ve got a stick up my arse,’ she said. ‘Sorry. Not very ladylike.’

  Flicking on the lights, she left Gary by the front door and pushed it to on his face without realizing, as she was bent over with more pain. She made it to the bathroom and pulled her trousers down to sit on the toilet. There, she had the ‘show’ – a lumpy glob of red snot.

  ‘Fuck,’ she said, feeling terrified but also incredibly excited. She looked at her reflection and gave herself a little grin. This is it, she thought. The baby is coming early.

  Standing, she pulled up her trousers and looked at her watch, waiting for another pain to come. After six minutes, another came. Stronger this time. Leaning on the back of the toilet, she closed her eyes and tried to breathe through it. From outside the toilet door, Gary cleared his throat.

  ‘Are you still here?’ she said, when the pain subsided.

  ‘Yep,’ he said. ‘Are you . . . is it . . . Can I do anything?’

  For all the antenatal classes and books she’d read and all the advice she’d listened to, now that she suspected labour was beginning, Lexi couldn’t get her head straight. She had been going to call her best friend, Catherine, but now that it was happening, she didn’t really want to. Catherine was amazing, but something in her wanted to be alone. Force of habit. Well, almost alone. She’d quite like to be at the hospital, surrounded by midwives. She’d quite like to be with Ginny, her big bag of Maltesers in hand, a warm smile on her face.