The Antenatal Group

by Amy Bratley

  Lexi accepted the hug, expecting to feel something. But she didn’t. All she felt was worried that Katy would turn around and see them and guilty that Gary would think she’d just lied to him.

  ‘Alan,’ she said, ‘I don’t think Katy would like you hugging me like this.’

  ‘What?’ he said, pulling back with a confused expression on his face. ‘Oh, I’ve told her all about our one-night stand, just to reassure her. She knows it doesn’t mean a thing any more. I’m sure she’s had a few in her life. We all have, haven’t we? With you, it wasn’t about the sex, was it? It was the way we talked. Like now. We get on vocally.’

  Alan’s hand was on her shoulder and she longed to shake it off. She nodded at his words but felt her stomach folding and churning.

  ‘Is everything all right, Lexi?’ said Gary, suddenly by her side again. ‘I think I will stay, just for a while, if you don’t mind.’ He gave Alan a hard stare but didn’t say hello.

  ‘Hello, Gary,’ said Alan. ‘How’s life in the taxi?’

  ‘Life’s a journey,’ said Gary. ‘And I don’t spend my whole life in the taxi.’

  Alan burst out laughing and patted Gary on the back. ‘Okay,’ he said. ‘Better get back to Katy. Thanks again, Lexi.’

  ‘Bye,’ said Gary and, when Alan walked away, he muttered ‘Fuck off’ under his breath. Lexi elbowed him in the ribs.

  ‘Well,’ he said. ‘I can’t stand him. And, besides, he made you miserable.’

  ‘That was then,’ she said, raising her face to look at Gary. She smiled.

  ‘And this is now,’ he said, leaning in to give her a surprisingly gentle, lingering kiss on her lips. Her body tingled, first with anxiety and then with delight.

  Someone whistled, but she had no idea who. For a second, she pulled away and widened her eyes. Gary’s face was frozen, probably thinking she was about to roast him alive for lunging in. She laughed.

  ‘Go on,’ he said. ‘Live a little.’

  Oh, what the hell! She kissed him back.

  Over in the pub garden, the party became increasingly raucous as the hours rolled on. Lenny’s dad played the guitar, while his mum passed around the delicious vegetarian food she’d prepared and a waitress from the pub made sure the alcohol flowed. Rebecca, tipsy now, was trying to retract her mobile phone from Elvis’s mouth. Even though he had a rattle to chew on, it was her phone he liked the most.

  ‘We’ll have to start them on solids soon, won’t we?’ said Mel. ‘We’ll all be covered in pureed butternut squash.’

  ‘That’s something to look forward to!’ said Erin. ‘Rebecca, I need to tell you how lovely you look. Thank you for inviting us. We’re having a lovely day.’

  Rebecca grinned. ‘I think I’m going to start telling you all how much I love you now,’ she said. ‘I don’t know what I would have done without you all since having Elvis.’

  Rebecca watched Mel and Erin’s faces. They were smiling in return, both of them a little bit pissed.

  ‘I feel the same,’ said Mel. ‘When I first met you all, I never thought we’d become friends like this. Actually, when we first met, I didn’t even look at you because I was too busy crying into my sleeve!’

  The women laughed, but quietened when Harriet approached them. ‘Rebecca,’ she said, looking slightly pale. ‘I think your father and I are going to head off.’ She rubbed her head and closed her eyes for a second.

  ‘Are you all right, Mum?’

  ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘Don’t fret. Bye, Rebecca. Enjoy your day. Here’s something for you. Wait until we’ve gone before you open it – and remember the holiday.’

  Harriet handed Rebecca a white envelope, which felt as though it had a letter inside. She kissed her parents, and then they were gone. Sitting down on a chair, taking a moment to think about her mum, with Elvis on her knee and the party going on around them, she was about to open the envelope when Mack approached her. He was holding a pint of beer that was sloshing dangerously close to the top.

  ‘Congratulations, Becs,’ he said. ‘You look beautiful.’

  ‘Thanks,’ she said, while Elvis tried to grab the envelope. ‘Hey, what’s up?’

  Mack pulled up a seat next to her. ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘I was being selfish. Lenny must think I’m a twat.’

  ‘Why?’ Rebecca said. ‘He would never think that. You’re his best friend. What happened?’

  ‘When he told me this morning that he didn’t want to do the tour I felt like he was taking away my chance at living the dream,’ he said. ‘But I get why he said no. Elvis is too little and he doesn’t want to leave you on your own.’

  Rebecca processed Mack’s words, unable not to show how shocked she was.

  ‘You did know about the tour, didn’t you?’ Mack said slowly. ‘That he’s turned it down?’

  Rebecca shook her head.

  ‘Shit,’ he said. ‘Sorry.’

  ‘So,’ she said, ‘what was it going to be?’

  ‘Six weeks around California,’ he said. ‘Supporting Tree People. Would’ve done so much for our profile – not to mention my love life.’

  ‘When was it?’ she asked, thinking about Lenny’s recent quiet moods.

  ‘In about six weeks from now,’ Mack said. ‘You know, I even thought about getting a new lead man. But then I realized that Lenny is irreplaceable. I’m trying to forget about it. Lenny reckons we’ll have a chance again in the future. So, what’s this you’ve got, Elvis? Should he be eating that envelope, Becs?’

  Rebecca glanced down at Elvis to see him sucking and chewing the edge of the white envelope. She pulled it out of his mouth and ripped open one end, all the time thinking of what Lenny had sacrificed, without even telling her. It made her love him all the more, but she also felt sad that he’d had to give up on a dream. She didn’t want having a baby to mean either of them giving up on their dreams. If only she could go with him. Take Elvis, too. Six weeks in California sounded amazing. Maybe they could sell the Beetle. Would that be enough money? Opening the letter from her mum and dad and seeing what was in the envelope, she froze. Two return round-the-world-ticket vouchers. Choose where you want to go, her mother had written. I’m sorry if we held you back. Life is too short not to follow your dreams. She was wiping at the tears in her eyes when a plan sprang into her head.

  ‘Can you hold Elvis for a second, Mack?’ she asked, handing him her son. ‘I need to find the microphone. I’ve got an announcement to make.’

  Katy and Alan, Erin and Edward, Mel and Leo, Lexi and Gary were all sitting together around a large wooden picnic table in the pub garden with their plates of food and drinks. Their babies were either in their laps or asleep in pushchairs, muslin squares draped strategically over them to prevent the sun burning their skin. Initially, there had been several other people on the same table, but when the antenatal group began talking about the babies incessantly, those other people glazed over and drifted away from the table, rolling their eyes at one another as they did so.

  ‘Bloody new parents,’ Katy heard one woman say. ‘They think everyone wants to hear about the colour of their baby’s poo! I’ll never be like that if I have kids.’

  Katy smiled to herself. She bet the woman would be exactly like that. Even though she realized that her talking about Rufus was incredibly boring for most other people, she was still obsessed with everything he did, especially because, now, he did so much more than when he was first born. Born. She closed her eyes as a memory of the birth flashed into her head. Feeling a familiar prickle of sweat bead on her forehead, she gripped the edge of the table and thought about what her psychotherapist had suggested she did at these times. Take deep breaths. Mindfulness. Concentrate on breathing. Think only of your breathing. But it was too noisy, and Katy couldn’t concentrate. What else had the psychotherapist said? Distract yourself from the moment. Talk to someone else. Let other people support you. She looked at her hands. They were shaking slightly. To her left, Alan was talking to Edward about New Zealand, and to her righ
t Lexi and Gary were talking to each other. She lifted her glass of water to her lips and drank.

  ‘Are you all right, Katy?’ asked Lexi softly and kindly. No one else was listening. ‘How are you feeling now?’

  Katy smiled gratefully at her. But should she just launch in and say how she felt? Was it appropriate? Wouldn’t Lex think she was insane? Katy had never talked to others about things like that.

  ‘You don’t have to tell me,’ said Lexi. ‘But I hope you’re okay.’

  ‘I saw the doctor,’ Katy said, her voice shaky. ‘And she referred me to a psychotherapist. I’ve been diagnosed with post-traumatic-stress disorder.’

  ‘Right,’ said Lexi.

  Katy thought about the diagnosis. The psychotherapist said it had prompted her feelings of detachment and depression. Rather than give her anti-depressants, she’d been referred to see a psychologist who specialized in PTSD. She’d been encouraged to talk about the birth and what it had meant to her, which had been a revelation.

  ‘Not really wedding-party chat, is it?’ Katy said, trying to make light of it, but her panic was passing.

  ‘Oh, course it is,’ Lexi replied. ‘I’d rather we had an honest chat about how we felt than pretended everything was fine. I’m glad you’re seeing a psychotherapist. Who is it? I know a few of them.’

  ‘Dr Anthony Hill,’ she said. ‘He’s a specialist. Honestly, anyone would think I’d been on the front line.’

  ‘No,’ Lexi said, with a small shake of her head. ‘Don’t put yourself down. You’ve had a seriously bad time.’

  Katy swallowed a gulp of her water, feeling wobbly and emotional. She turned to Lexi and grabbed her hand. She held it for a few moments, tears misting her eyes.

  ‘Thank you for what you said,’ she said. ‘None of my so-called friends confronted me about how I was behaving, you know? Not even Anita, my business partner, who I’ve known for years and knows me inside out. Only you.’

  Lexi smiled. ‘I only said what you already knew. I’m really pleased you’re getting support. But, look, it’s here, too, around this table.’

  Katy looked up. Suddenly, all the women were looking at Lexi and Katy, listening in, smiling eagerly, showing her their support.

  ‘We all have our own issues, and we all have small babies to look after,’ said Lexi. ‘We’d love it if you came along to some more of the meet-ups we have. There’s even been talk of exercising, hasn’t there, Mel?’

  ‘Yep,’ Mel said. ‘Yoga is the next one we thought we should try, if you’re interested, Katy.’

  Lexi squeezed Katy’s hand briefly and the women smiled at one another. Then they both let go.

  Moments later, Katy was holding Rufus’s hand while he made gurgling noises. She was about to pick him up when she was interrupted by a noise from the microphone. Rebecca was testing it out.

  ‘Hello, hello,’ she said, tapping it. ‘Can everyone hear me? I have something to say’. Lenny was sitting at a table nearby, with Elvis on his lap. He grinned at her appreciatively. Her hair had come loose from being pinned up and she looked even more breathtaking than earlier. Katy felt from nowhere a stab of jealousy. ‘Something to say to Len, Rebecca continued.’

  She couldn’t stop smiling. She cleared her throat and waved two tickets at him.

  ‘These are round-the-world tickets my parents gave us for a wedding present,’ she said. ‘Mack told me you were asked to tour with the Tree People in California, but you turned it down. I can’t believe you did that! It’s everything you’ve always wanted. So, I have an idea. We’ll come, too! It can be the first leg of our round-the-world trip. What do you say, Len?’

  Katy watched Lenny, whose expression was one of complete astonishment. Probably for the first time, he had been rendered speechless. His dad, Alf, stood up from his seat.

  ‘He says yes!’ he shouted. ‘And if he doesn’t, I’ll come with you instead.’

  Everyone laughed, muttering with excitement. Lenny stood up with Elvis and approached Rebecca. He said something in her ear and they kissed passionately, his free hand slipping to her bottom, which he squeezed, provoking a cheer and whistles from their guests. Then, Rebecca handed the microphone back to Alf, who in turn cleared his throat and called for attention.

  ‘Okay, crowd,’ he said. ‘I think Len and Becs are going to take to the dance floor now. Apparently, thanks to their friend Erin, they’ve got a surprise in store.’

  Everyone clapped and cheered. Lenny handed Elvis to his mum, then he and Rebecca, both laughing, took their position in the middle of the open space in the garden area. Rebecca stretched her left leg back and bent her right in between Lenny’s legs. They took each other’s hands and Rebecca threw back her head, her hair flowing down her back. Alf pressed a button on the DVD player and tango music began to play Erin stood up on her chair, clapped and cheered wildly.

  Argentine tango, she mouthed to the group, before turning back to Rebecca and Lenny and chanting, ‘Walk, cross, figure eight, leg hook!’

  For the length of the song, the crowd were mesmerized.

  ‘Wow!’ said Lexi, turning to Katy. ‘Love’s young dream, eh?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Katy. ‘I guess that’s the thing about life. It has its ups and its downs.’

  ‘Bloody rollercoaster more like,’ said Lexi. ‘One minute you’re going slowly uphill, the next thing you’re cascading into a deep, dark hole, clinging on for dear life.’

  Both women laughed and continued to stare at the dancing couple, transfixed by their happiness.

  I’m not drunk. I can still walk in a straight line, Mel told herself, as she and Leo staggered down their road towards home. Worryingly, the street lamps appeared to be bending like giraffes eating leaves and the cracks between the pavement stones were moving like snakes in the grass. Gripping hold of Leo’s arm, she paused to take off her heels and convince her head to stop swimming. Regretting the extra wine she’d had, after a day of dribs and drabs of booze, she groaned. The alcohol had hit her hard.

  ‘I shouldn’t have had anything to drink at all!’ she said, suddenly maudlin. ‘I’m a mother now! How irresponsible is that?’

  ‘You’re still allowed to enjoy yourself every now and then,’ Leo said, laughing. ‘Just drink lots of water when we get home. God, I’m knackered. We’re not used to this any more, are we?’

  Mel shook her head but felt irrationally annoyed with herself. ‘I know I’m allowed to enjoy myself,’ she said, ‘but everything’s changed now, hasn’t it? Before we had Mabel, it didn’t matter if I was irresponsible. Now, if something happened to me, Mabel would be left alone, without her mother. She’d be one parent down, and I know exactly how it feels to not have—’

  To not have . . . a dad. She knew what it felt like not to have a dad. She couldn’t hold in the tears. Leo put his arm around her and pulled her in close. ‘Don’t cry,’ he said. ‘You’re just feeling tired. We need to sleep.’

  Mel sniffed. She thought about how much she missed her dad, and found herself thinking about Jacques in London with Coco and Suki. He needed Leo in his life.

  ‘I’ve been thinking,’ said Mel, trying to get the key in the lock of their front door. ‘You should go and see Jacques. Take part in his life. He needs you, I’m sure.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Leo said. ‘I’d like that. But why the change of heart?’

  He slipped his hand around her waist and kissed the back of her neck. She pushed open the door and Mel flicked on the light. Leo carried the pushchair up the stairs and Mel staggered up after him. Inside the flat, they moved straight into the bedroom and Leo transferred Mabel from her buggy to her cot. They made amazed faces at each other when she sniffed but didn’t wake up howling. Leo, in his clothes, lay on the bed. Mel unzipped her dress and let it fall on to the carpet where she was standing. She found a glass of water and drank it down in one.

  ‘I went to see Coco,’ said Mel in a loud whisper.

  ‘Did you?’ Leo said. ‘Why?’

  ‘I wanted to
see if she was interested in you,’ Mel said.

  ‘And?’ Leo said.

  ‘She’s gay,’ Mel replied.

  Leo sat up in the dark. ‘Is she?’ said Leo. ‘Wow. I didn’t see that coming.’

  ‘Anyway,’ said Mel, climbing on to the bed. ‘I’ve been thinking. After today, I thought I’d ask . . . Would you like to . . . would you like to—’

  ‘Have another baby?’ said Leo. ‘Not right yet, Mel, but one day. In a couple of years maybe?’

  ‘No, I wasn’t going to say that,’ she said, yawning. ‘I was going to say, would you like to get married? Would you marry me? I’d like to, I mean, I’d like to get married. To you. Be our own family.’

  She lay down and Leo moved his body around hers so they lay on the cover in spoons. He held her tightly.

  ‘Yes,’ he said, into her hair. ‘Yes. I’d love to.’

  Mel said nothing. Leo lifted his head and leaned over to see her face. But she was fast asleep now. She didn’t hear a thing when Leo carefully put the blanket over her, kissed her cheek and placed a fresh glass of water by her bedside. She didn’t hear a whisper all night long, as the three of them slept softly, dreaming about one another, their breaths and lives and hearts so close and intertwined. It was the first night that Mabel slept through without waking.

  Epilogue

  ‘Is everyone ready to see Becs?’ asked Erin, excitedly. ‘It’s all set up.’

  It was Elvis and Hope’s first birthday, and Erin had arranged a get-together for the antenatal group to mark a year since they’d all met. On the rainiest, windiest day that year, Lexi, Katy and Mel had blown through Erin’s front door, fighting with beaten umbrellas and haywire hair, clutching their wide-eyed children. Once inside, Erin leaned hard on the door against the wind until it clicked shut.

  ‘Did you hear that thunder?’ she had exclaimed as she ushered the damp, windswept mums into the warmly lit kitchen with Hope balanced comfortably on her hip. ‘Come in and get cosy. I’ve been baking.’

  It wasn’t as if the women hadn’t seen each other recently. They had, but not all together for a while, so Erin had made a special effort, baking cakes and biscuits for them, loving every minute. It was hard to find days that suited everyone, especially now that Mel was setting up her own freelance design agency from home one day a week while Leo looked after Mabel and Katy was working four days a week, and had been for some time. Lexi was due back at work part-time soon, and Erin was holding dance classes two evenings a week. Also, none of them had seen Rebecca since a month after her wedding, the previous August. They’d sold Lenny’s VW Beetle, got back the deposit on their flat and emptied their bank of savings before heading to California, the first leg of their round-the-world trip. Now, five months later, they were in Sydney and, to raise cash, Rebecca was working part-time in a café during the day while Lenny did gigs at night, sharing the care of Elvis. Rebecca kept a blog and frequently posted on Facebook to keep in touch. Today, though, they had arranged to Skype her so they could all see her together. Erin had set up the computer on the kitchen table and arranged chairs in front for all to sit on. While the others chatted and the babies played with colourful building blocks on a mat she’d put down on the floor, Erin made hot drinks, glancing happily at her friends and their children, acutely aware of how lucky she was.