Ted awkwardly pulled himself out of the rocker.
“I guess I’d better go. Thanks for the couch. And the shoulder.” She followed his slow walk.
At the kitchen door, Ted stopped her. “You came to me, Grace. I’d like to think that means you trust me.”
“I always have. Somehow I’ve always felt that way, that I could trust you even when we both know… Well, anyway, I’ll be going now.” She couldn’t look at him, embarrassed in her vulnerability. “Thanks for breakfast, too. Say so long to Eddy, okay? And thanks for making me toast just the way I like it.” She twitched her shoulders and slipped out before he could touch her.
Grace opened her door to Shelby later that afternoon. “Davy’s staying with the baby,” Shelby answered her friend’s voiceless question. “I needed to come over and talk to you, see if you were all right.”
“Me?” Grace pushed the front door back tight against the frame after Shelby walked right in and plopped herself down on the sofa.
“It’s not that I didn’t trust your medical expertise at the hospital, Grace. I trust you with the life of my child above my own,” she said. “You know that.”
Grace was still silent. She slowly closed the door and turned around, leaning her back against it. She knew nothing, nothing. Why would Shelby come to torment her like this?
“I don’t know how I can say this right. You showed me the face of Christ. And honestly, every time I see you in action I see that look you have, the face of God imposed on you.”
Shelby jumped up and grabbed her hand. “Oh, please don’t doubt that. I don’t know why things happen.”
Grace allowed Shelby to tug her toward the sofa. “Here, sit down. You look awful. This is not coming out right. I don’t want you to think I’m not grateful, because I am—truly. And you can’t leave us. You just can’t.”
Grace shook her head. A headache started to pound behind her eyeballs. She pressed her fingers against her eyelids. “I don’t know what to say. It’s not quite the same as a year ago when I was terrified—overwhelmed—and had to leave Woodside. Well, maybe I’m overwhelmed, yes, but not frightened. Even after what happened last summer. I’m worried that I’ve lost my…my faith, my ability to help people.”
She searched for answers in Shelby, who had only sympathy to give. “I guess it’s safe to say now I really have lost it. What if I’d hurt Alyssa more than I did? How could we ever forgive each other?”
“Don’t be silly. I panicked. You helped her a lot actually, by bringing her fever out earlier and getting her to take some medicine. The doctor said what we thought. He wouldn’t have given her anything, either, at the time.”
“But you ended up doing what you wanted to do all along, which was take Alyssa to the hospital. If I had listened the first time…”
“We’d have been sent home like a couple of broody hens and you know it. I still would have had to go back later in the day, just like I did.”
Grace listened to the clock’s gears measure out the seconds.
Shelby broke the silence. “Maybe it’s a good thing, though, to take some time away from work for yourself and Ted right now. You’ve been going and going since practically the moment you moved in. I don’t think you stopped long enough to let yourself grieve your husband properly. We’re all kind of tired. It’s been a hectic summer. With the wedding coming up and the holiday season—all of that—I’m telling you, for all I’ve missed working, it’s been awful nice being able to be around home to do some yard work, pick fruit and stuff without having to try fitting it all in around another job. It will be good for you to take some time off. You’ll see. Everything will work out.”
For all Shelby believed that, Grace knew it could not be true for her.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Grace’s hands were numb and made her feel clumsy, inept. She had little energy these days and often stayed in bed on her days off. She’d only made an appearance at the door for Eddy’s trick or treat costume. Took a picture, smiled, and waved. Then went back to bed.
Shelby brought the baby over to show that they were fine. Her voice buzzed.
Alyssa cooed and waved her arms. Grace raised her heavy head, hoping Shelby wasn’t going to stay much longer. She was so tired. In fact, she shouldn’t be around them. What if she was coming down with something and was contagious?
“Have you eaten today?” Shelby asked.
“Yes, sure.” She had, right? She just couldn’t remember what.
Shelby’s cool hand rested on her forehead for a moment. “You don’t have a fever.”
“I think I should just go home to Woodside.”
“You are home.” Shelby knelt by the sofa. “Please, everything is so much better. The worst of the gossip is over. We need you. I know it. I’ll keep talking to people, and so will Dave, and Matty. Please, don’t leave now.”
“I’m tired, Shel.”
“A vacation. Come on. I’ll help you plan it.”
“I can’t.”
“Promise you’ll tell me if you go anywhere. We all need you.”
“Maybe once you did. But I can’t help you like I did before. How can you ever trust me again?”
“I never stopped trusting you.”
Her words meant nothing. “But you don’t understand. I’ve always had a special ability. It was a gift, to be able to help people in a special way. You knew that.”
Shelby looked blank. “Well, that’s what you do. Who you are.”
Grace groaned. No one understood. “But it’s gone now. It’s more than gone. It’s like it’s turning against me.”
Lena was of little support, either, when Grace called her.
“You went to medical school for a reason,” Lena reminded her. “Use that knowledge like you always have.”
“But, what about… I mean, why would God take away—”
“Grace.” Lena sounded hesitant, reluctant to speak of Woodside even over the telephone. “You know I love you, right? You know I would never, ever say anything hurtful, but I only want to help you.” A gusty sigh apologetically crossed the communication lines. “You sometimes treated the gift like a magic touch, or something.”
“What?” Grace choked against the tears. How could Lena turn on her?
“Not in a bad way, though. I mean, we all respected how the Lord blessed you with the healing touch, and we stood in awe of you, too.”
“Until they all died, you mean,” Grace said slowly, enunciating each word. The numbness in her hands traveled toward her lips. “Until I couldn’t help those who were closest to me, and they died.”
“I wish you had never gone away like that, after Jonathan,” Lena said. “A vacation or something, yes. You needed and deserved that. But you hurt us when you left, you know. We cared about you. You were family.”
“I’m sorry,” Grace whispered, the tears starting again. Self-pity. Didn’t she deserve that much? Why could she cry and not feel it? She touched her face and stared at her hand.
“I’m sorry, too,” Lena told her. “Look, why don’t I come up there, visit a while?”
“I don’t know, maybe. That would be nice. Maybe—can I call you in a couple of weeks?”
“Sure.”
It took both hands to press the off button. A visit? Was that all Tennessee was anymore? A place to visit?
Surely her motherin-law wouldn’t feel the same. Grace reached for a piece of paper and pen and started a letter. She’d start with the niceties, facts, observations.
Eddy is in First Grade, putting the letters together, forming sentences. Addition and soon, subtraction. Things that Sean would have been learning about now. I can’t believe I have a chance to see it happening, even with someone else’s child. That’s truly a blessing for me.
She could see that, now. She was getting another chance to make it up to Sean. Eddy was the gift she needed to redeem herself back in Woodside. She would show them she wasn’t a failure in everything she tried. She tapped the pen against the page.
She looked out of the living room window where leaves curled and skittered across the yard and road.
I’m glad I came back to visit last spring. It was time to put some of those bitter and frightened feelings to rest, to see you again. I look back at that time, over a year ago, and wonder what I was so afraid of. Anyhow, it’s been good to experience a different part of the country. Though Jonathan and I got to travel some on vacations and meetings, and went to school over in Greenville, it’s not like staying somewhere long enough to soak up the culture.
Yes, it gets really cold and yes, there’s a ton of snow and rain in Michigan, but you’d love all the marvelous fruit we pick. I know I’ve said it before, but you can hardly believe it! And the fresh fish here on the Bay is indescribable.
Elizabeth would understand how she felt. Michigan was nice. But it wasn’t like Woodside. If anyone would welcome her back, it would be Elizabeth.
Ted’s not doing so well. I guess I’ve told you about that. No one can fix on a particular diagnosis, and I think it’s past the time where an effective medical cure can be found. I’ve taken a leave from the clinic. But I’m so unsure of my purpose. I thought God wanted me to heal him, but my touch, well, it doesn’t work anymore. Now I’m hanging on doing death watch like the rest of the people around here who know the Marshalls.
Maybe she could still help people, even if she couldn’t touch them and help their physical wounds to heal. She could try when she returned to Tennessee. Would they understand? Would Eddy? Eddy needed her. But Jonathan had taken her heart to the grave. Who did she think she was kidding when she thought she could love Ted? It wasn’t fair. Not fair to Jonathan. He wouldn’t like that. She would tell Ted that it had all been a mistake. He could not love her, either. Next time he said it, she’d tell him so.
So, fall comes more quickly up in the north. The leaves change colors so spectacularly. It’s true, that’s why people go on tours to see the fall colors—the maples they have up here really do look like they’re on fire. I dread the snow again on one hand, but on the other, it’s beautiful in its own way. It makes you appreciate having a snug house and a cup of tea to warm yourself by.
Oh, maybe I forgot to tell you. Ted’s brother is getting married soon. To his high school sweetheart, of all people! They’ve known each other all their lives, and lived in the same town. But I guess Kaye, his fiancée, never appreciated what a great guy he is until his son was hurt in an accident, and she saw how he handled the whole thing.
That accident had started her downward spiral. She’d used up everything she’d had in Jimmy’s healing. Maybe her gift only worked long term when she lived in Woodside, where it came from.
No, that wasn’t true. The gift didn’t grow from the ground on Woodside, or live in the water. It came from the Spirit, who lived all around. Everywhere. No matter where you went or how far you ran. No matter what you’d done or hadn’t done.
So, at least we have that happy event to look forward to. I think I may come back sometime during the winter when things calm down. I would like to be home when the dogwood are in bloom, definitely. I miss that.
Love, Grace.
Home, home, home. A blast of wind flung ice crystals pinging against the window. Cold, they felt. She shivered. I’m so cold, so cold, so cold.
Grace telephoned Ted in the morning. “Eddy can’t come here today, Ted. I’m sorry.”
She heard him clear his throat. “Grace? Are you all right? You mean, Eddy can’t come after school today?”
“After school. I don’t know, Ted. I think I may be coming down with something. It’s better. Better for all of us if he’s not here.”
“What’s the matter?”
The matter? Matter with who? Why couldn’t he stop talking and listen for a change? “Nothing, really. It’s silly. I don’t usually have… I haven’t been sleeping all that well lately.”
Whoops. Didn’t feel that one coming.
“Since you stopped working at the clinic, you mean.”
“I talked to Kaye already,” she went on, as if he hadn’t said anything. “Tanya will drive out. She’ll watch for Eddy by the time his bus comes in, okay? I’m really sorry about this.”
“Don’t give it another thought. I’ll stop in and check on you later.”
“No, please. I’m all right. Just lazy today.” She hung up.
After a dopey, overly long morning in which Grace wandered aimlessly with a dust rag around her house, she opened the front door and walked out onto the porch. Chilly as the air was, she still felt the most peace out there. The sleet of yesterday had melted and gone. She went back inside to grab her fluffy multicolored afghan from the sofa and took it out to curl up with on the swing.
Finches and juncos pecked at her bird feeder. Dried nut brown centers of the brown-eyed susans swayed. A few purple asters peeped out of the graveyard of a flowerbed. With a stockinged toe on the floorboards, Grace pushed the swing until it matched the dance of the dried flower stems. She had planted a border of small annuals around the outside edge of the garden this year.
Jonathan’s eyes were that shade of bachelor button blue. She brought his memory out of long hiding, faded, but comfortable. She closed her eyes and pushed the swing.
Jonathan reached out to her with wasted white arms and a razor thin face dark with stubble. His black eyes burned her.
“Grace, help me! For the love of Jesus, help me! Or kill me. Why can’t you help me? You can touch anyone else and heal them.”
Grace was terrified of this Jonathan. The Jonathan she knew never said even once that he wanted Grace to help him, never hinted that he felt Grace should do something for him.
Her stomach churned with sick acid. She held her gut and put a hand over her mouth. She wanted to run but she could not feel her feet. When she looked down, she saw they were attached to the brown brush welcome mat at their kitchen door in Woodside. The kitchen door had no handle. Grace lost her balance. Had someone pushed her? She pitched forward, sliding against the door, hitting her head and scraping her fingernails against the screen.
“Owww…no…wait…”
When Tanya came over to their house to put dinner together, Ted slipped out, saying he wanted to check in with Grace next door and would be right back. “No, Eddy, you stay here. Daddy will be only a moment.”
Ted slowly made his way up her front walk, pushing the hated walker, feeling like he trudged through molasses when he wanted to hurry. She needed him. She had not said that to him, but he knew. He spied her immediately in her favorite place, in the swing on the front porch, which they had not yet put away for the winter. She was wrapped up in her afghan, hair and nose the only things visible. Something wasn’t quite right. One of her legs dangled off the swing. Shoeless. She must be cold.
Jonathan was on the other side of the kitchen door, peering through the mesh. She pushed away from the door. She felt her head. Was there blood? Why couldn’t she move her feet? She tried to jump. Her arms windmilled as she crashed into the door again.
Jonathan reached through the screen, tearing it with his hand. If he touched her, something bad would happen. She could not let him touch her.
With a gigantic effort, Grace flung herself away from the door, only to fall at someone else’s feet. Elizabeth Runyon’s. “Everyone has been given a gift, Grace,” she said. Her tone was lyrical, hypnotic. “We all know yours. Go on, help my son now. You’re the only one. It doesn’t matter what happens to you, as long as you help him.”
“No! I can’t! You know I can’t do anything. It’s too much. You ask too much. He’s the one who has to…”
Elizabeth’s face melted and remolded into that of Ted Marshall. Ted laughed and nuzzled at her neck when she had her hands on his bare back under his shirt, touching him like a lover might. What was she trying to do, anyway?
His skin became hotter and hotter and she tugged her hand away, burned. She tried to run again. There he was! Jonathan reached through the opening at the kitchen door, grabbing
for her arm. “Now! Touch me now. Give me everything. Make me all better!”
Ted reached the swing barely in time to fling himself down to soften Grace’s landing as she fell from the swing. She felt warm to him, and his arms automatically folded around her to keep her from rolling away. She had that same confused look as when she awoke on the sofa at his place.
“What? Where’s Jonathan?”
Ted cleared his throat, involuntarily squeezing her shoulders. “It’s Ted, Grace.”
Her pupils were dilated. From this close he could see the matting stuck in her eyelashes and the blue veins in the thin skin under her eyes. He watched her pupils shrink as she focused on him.
“He never asked me. I just realized. All during his illness, he never asked me to help him. Why now?”
Ted did not understand what she meant and simply waited for her to sort herself out. He gently pulled her over so that they could sit up. “Here. Are you cold? It’s freezing out.” He tugged at the afghan and pulled it around her. He took a deep calming breath and gazed at the setting sun.
Grace shook her head. “You haven’t either. Why not?”
It was an accusation for which he had no defense. He looked at her, hoping for a clue.
She put her hand on his sleeve. “Randy asked me to.”
Randy again. What did Randy know about Grace that he did not?
“While Jonathan was alive I tried so hard. I begged God to take the illness from him, but he didn’t. I never realized until now that Jonathan never once asked me to help him,” she repeated.
She crawled away from him in slow motion. “Do you think he didn’t want to be healed?”
Ted felt a chill that had nothing to do with the outside temperature. She’s really lost it. Oh, Lord, what do I need to do? Who do I call? He pushed against the step, trying to stand.
Grace knelt on the top step above him. She gripped his ears and pulled his face against her. “Oh, Ted, I’m so sorry.”
Me too. “Grace, try and relax. It was a dream. Help me—”
Healing Grace Page 23
