‘Are you coming?’ Santa asked, stopping a good few feet ahead of her.
‘Are you sure you know the way? I mean we’ve been wandering around for nearly half an hour now. You could just ask those shepherds watching their flocks by night perhaps, or maybe that angel over there, but oh no…You’d rather go round and round in circles than ask for directions.’
Santa sighed and marched back up the track until he was practically millimetres from Amy’s face, which was when he saw the mischievous glint in her eyes, and finally, he smiled for the first time since they’d gone to Lapland.
‘Ha, ha,’ he said. ‘Very funny. Look, I’m sorry I’m a bit moody. You’re right, I should snap out of it. I’m Santa after all, we’re at the first nativity – well, almost there – and I should be above human feelings and emotions by now. I’m being an idiot.’
Amy smiled at him, wanting very much to hug him. ‘I never actually said any of that. But yes, you are kind of being an old grumpy pants. So do you know the way?’
‘Yes, we just follow this little donkey along the dusty road and we’ll get there… eventually,’ Santa said.
‘I’m so excited,’ Amy said, literally jumping for joy. ‘This is the best Christmas Eve ever.’
Happily, she took Santa’s hand as they made their way down the track behind the donkey, pausing to wave at a fairly fierce-looking angel standing sentinel on the hillside.
Gradually, they were joined by bands of other people on their way to find out what was going on. There were shepherds with their sheep trotting beside them; and children, running ahead and laughing; mothers and fathers, hand in hand, all united in their need to know what mystery lay beneath the star, on this very first Christmas Eve.
And even here, even still quite some way from the main event, Amy could feel the happiness and sense of expectation in the air. It was just like it had been when Lynsey at work had given birth to triplets last July, only more so. That was at least part of it, Amy thought to herself happily, unable to resist a little skip. The joy that a new life brought along with it into the world, the hope and the promise. The feeling that was in the air tonight was just like that, only times about a billion.
‘Thank you,’ she said, suddenly dropping Santa’s hand and hugging him tightly around the waist instead. ‘Thank you so much for the most wonderful time of my life. I really don’t think I will ever have as good a time as the hours I’ve spent with you ever again.’
‘You could do,’ Santa muttered under his breath.
‘I could do what?’ Amy asked.
‘No, it’s OK, it’s nothing really. You’ve made your feelings perfectly clear.’
‘Have I?’ Amy asked, dragging him to a stop as a ragged flock of sheep milled around their legs and three very well dressed majestic-looking chaps on camels passed by.
‘Santa!’ one called out. ‘Nice to see you here.’
‘You too, your majesty!’ Santa called back, sidestepping just in time to avoid a rather unpleasant present from one of the camels.
‘What have I made my feelings perfectly clear on?’ Amy asked dragging him by the arm through the mill of people to the side of the dusty road.
‘Me!’ Santa said, impatiently. ‘You know what, if we don’t keep up we’ll be right at the back of the crowd and we won’t see a thing.’
‘How have I made my feelings about you clear?’ Amy asked insistently. ‘I’m pretty sure that I’ve done a sterling job of completely hiding my feelings from you, which isn’t at all like me, and has taken some considerable effort.’
‘What?’ Santa looked at her, perplexed.
‘What are you talking about?’ Amy all but shouted at him over the cacophony of farm animals and people, drawing a scowl from the angel on guard for her troubles.
‘Seriously?’ Santa asked.
‘Yes!’
‘I thought…’ Santa sighed sulkily. ‘Oh, I feel stupid now.’
‘You are flippin’ stupid,’ Amy said, clapping her hands over her mouth, pretty certain that this was really not the time or place to be using even the mildest swear word.
‘After New York,’ Santa said. ‘And Hull, and your dad’s. I sort of thought there was this, you know…’
‘No,’ Amy said pointedly. ‘I do not know.’
‘A connection between us,’ Santa mumbled into his chest. ‘I thought you might fancy me, all right? God!’
‘I do fancy you! More than that, I think you are quite seriously the most wonderful human being that I have ever met! I am fairly certain that I am head over heels in love with you, and that’s the problem. I don’t want you to lose your job and live forever in darkness because I can’t fulfil my Christmas wish!’
Santa stared at her with such a look of horrified surprise that Amy kicked him in the shins, much harder than you would expect for a girl wearing sandals.
‘Typical!’ she said furiously as he hopped around on one leg. ‘Typical man, you get a woman to finally reveal how she feels after she’s tried really, really hard to play it cool, and then, and then you act like it’s the worst news you’ve ever had. Well, I’ve had enough. I’m going home.’
Santa had only just regained both feet when he saw the back of Amy’s head disappearing into the crowd of people and animals.
‘Amy, wait!’ he called out. ‘You didn’t give me a chance to—’
But she had vanished and Santa had to come face to face with the reality that he had lost his Christmas Wish. In Bethlehem. Over 2000 years ago, and even if he’d had Amy’s mobile number – which he didn’t – he was pretty sure there would be no network coverage here.
16. When a Child is Born
IT TOOK AMY a good few minutes to realise that there wasn’t going to be a taxi, its welcoming yellow light glowing in the dark, willing to take her back to Peckham tonight. Not that there often was, anyway, but that wasn’t the point.
The point was that she had run away from Santa in a dramatic, follow-me-or-it’s-over huff and he had not, because Amy had missed one very important detail – that something could not be over when it had never even begun.
And now she was lost, embarrassed and confused and wondering what life would be like for a South London girl with only three of four words of French in ‘The Olden Days’, which was about as accurately as Amy was able to pinpoint the period, as she mostly spent history lessons in school swapping notes with Dylan Taylor.
‘Hiya,’ a female voice said, beside her.
‘Hi.’ Amy sighed.
‘You’re lost then,’ the woman said. ‘Bit of a bummer, isn’t it?’
‘I’ll say,’ Amy agreed. ‘But I thought I might as well go and see the baby and then worry about discovering a portal through time and space after…hang on, you’re speaking English?’
‘Yes, hello, I’m Amanda.’ Amanda held out her hand rather officially, which Amy took. ‘I’m here in disguise too, but on a more official capacity.’
‘Official?’ Amy asked. ‘Are you an angel then, because you don’t seem to need to wear a costume if you’ve got wings around here. Look.’ Amy pointed to the sky where a host of angels – altogether better rehearsed than Laura-Anne’s – lit up the night almost as brightly as the star. ‘They’re all about angels round here. They even outnumber the sheep!’
‘No.’ Amanda smiled. ‘I’m a probation officer. Well, maybe that’s not quite right. I’m more about quality control. You see Santa’s on probation for five years. Any major slip-ups during that period and we can let him go with minimum fuss, no severance pay or references, or happiness ever again, that sort of thing.’
‘Oh my,’ Amy said. ‘You’re here to sack Santa?’
‘Oh no!’ Amanda shook her head. ‘No, no. No, not here, at the first nativity. That would be terrible form! Besides he hasn’t quite messed it up beyond repair yet. I just thought I’d check in with you, see how you found his driving, customer care and wish-fulfilment skills, that sort of thing.’
‘This does just all seem
a bit much,’ Amy said anxiously, ‘putting Santa on probation, checking him out for “wish fulfilment”.’ I mean I always thought Christmas was supposed to be about love and good will to all men, and magic and joy. Not ticking boxes on a form.’
‘That is what it is about,’ Amanda said. ‘And it’s precisely to keep the high quality of the Christmas Experience that we are so rigorous when it comes to recruiting. Imagine if we employed the wrong Santa? Then Christmas wouldn’t just be ruined for one person, it would be ruined for all. And you have no idea of all the Elf & Safety laws we have to keep on top of.’
Amy groaned.
‘Sorry couldn’t resist that one!’ Amanda giggled.
The crowd came to a very slow stop, a hushed silence falling over everyone as the world seemed to hold its breath.
Amy couldn’t see much, barely a glimpse of light emitted from the ramshackle stable, but then she heard it – a thin high cry, rising into the night, signalling that a baby had been born. The baby had been born.
‘Oh, how lovely,’ Amy said, straining to see if she could catch a glimpse of mother and child, but finding it impossible. ‘I bet Mary could do without all these people gawking at her though.’
‘I don’t think Mary is thinking about anything else but her baby at the precise moment. Motherhood is an amazingly transforming experience. It teaches you to love with a kind of strength that you never knew was possible before; you’ll find that out one day. Come on, let’s get out of here. I’ll leave you somewhere where Santa is more likely to find you.’
Reluctant to leave, Amy followed Amanda through the crowd and to the outskirts of a small town, up a hillock, where Amanda invited her sit on the stump of what appeared to be an olive tree.
‘Men,’ Amanda said, ‘are quite stupid when it comes to matters of the heart. They don’t do inference, or hints, or subtlety. You have to tell them how it is in black and white.’
‘I did tell him how it is,’ Amy said. ‘He looked liked I just offered him a big dose of food poisoning.’
‘Because he’s a man, stupid! It takes a while for his brain to catch up.’
‘It doesn’t matter anyway,’ Amy said. ‘Because even if he liked me as much as I liked him, you’d fire him!’
‘Yes, yes I would,’ Amanda admitted.
‘So why are you telling me all this?’ Amy asked, just as the chime of jingles sounded in the air, and she looked up to see the sleigh approaching at high speed.
‘Christmas is about joy to the world and good will for all men, even Santa,’ Amanda said. ‘None of us want to see him fail, he’s got so much promise. So what I’m trying to say, what I shouldn’t be saying but I am, is that, first of all, just make absolutely sure that Santa doesn’t feel the same way about you as you about him and then…’
‘Then what?’ Amy asked. ‘What if he does?’
‘There is always a loophole,’ Amanda said. ‘You just have to look for it.’
The sleigh made a bumpy landing, throwing sand and rocks up in the air in its wake.
‘Speeding,’ Amanda said, tutting and making a note on her pad. ‘I’d better be off. Don’t tell him you saw me. And just remember what I said.’
‘There’s always a loophole?’
‘No, Amy,’ Amanda said. ‘That all men are stupid. Even Santa.’
17. Silent Night
‘SO,’ SANTA SAID after they had been in the air for some minutes. ‘How was the nativity? Did it blow your mind?’
Amy thought about it for a moment. ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘And in a completely different way than I expected.’
‘Good,’ Santa said. There were a few more awkward seconds of silence. ‘So listen, about before, when you assaulted me and then ran away…’
‘Yes,’ Amy mumbled studiously looking in the opposite direction from Santa.
‘I’m sorry I didn’t say anything straight away. I was a bit surprised. I mean, it’s not every day a girl you met only half an hour ago tells you she might be in love with you.’
‘Half an hour ago?’ Amy whipped her head round to look at him, her eyes flashing. ‘We’ve ditched my ex, been to Venice, danced in New York, found my father, visited Lapland and seen the Baby Jesus – well, almost! We’ve gone through more together than most people do in an entire lifetime!’
‘Yes, I can see how you would feel that, but what with the time travel and all that, we actually met only half an hour ago. I should take you to meet Charlie Dickens, he could explain all about it, wrote about it in that book. He comes to Lapland to do seminars…’
‘Stop trying to make me sound all stalkery,’ Amy said, stamping her feet on the floor of the sleigh so hard its little bell vibrated madly. ‘You’re the one who turned up uninvited in my bedroom, remember?’
‘Yes.’ Santa smiled fondly. ‘I do remember, because it was only half an hour ago.’
‘Fine, fine,’ Amy said. ‘Forget I said what I said, forget it all. It’s all much simpler if I don’t feel that way, according to you, so let’s just get on with this and find me someone to hook up with. We’re going about it all wrong. Take me to a nightclub just before closing, somewhere in Essex. I’m bound to pull then.’
‘No,’ Santa said, pulling so hard on the reins that the reindeer skidded to a screeching stop, which was impressive as they were several thousand feet up in the air at the time. ‘No, I’m not taking you to some club where some horrible drunk can leer at you. What I was trying to say about the half an hour thing is… well, are you sure about those things that you said about me, about the, you know, ahem, the love part? Because – and listen, you said this yourself – you are quite impulsive. And if this turns out to be an impulse, or a fad, or a phase then…’ Santa’s voice trailed off into a sigh.
‘OK,’ Amy said, looking nervously down at the endless void of nothingness beneath them. ‘Let’s do this then. Cards on the table. You, Santa, have known me for exactly as much time as I have known you whether that’s half an hour or a whole evening…How do you feel about me?’
Santa studied his hands for some time and with seemingly avid interest.
‘I think you’re nice,’ he muttered into his faux fur collar. His voice was barely audible.
‘Pardon?’ Amy asked.
‘I said, I think you are nice and fun to be with,’ Santa said, shrugging.
‘Nice and fun to be with.’ Amy sighed. ‘Right, Essex it is then. There are loads of men there that will think exactly the same thing.’
‘OK!’ Santa said. ‘Fine, all right? Yes, I think you are funny and really quite beautiful in an unexpected take-my-breath-away sort of way…and honest, and vulnerable, and sometimes quite crazy. But, most of all, I think you are lovely.’
Amy blinked as she tried to take in want Santa was telling her. ‘Beautiful in an unexpected way?’ she asked, making Santa sigh and roll his eyes.
‘That’s what you’re going to dwell on?’ He smiled. ‘I pour my heart out to you and that’s the part you pick up on?’
‘Well, what do you mean unexpected?’ Amy asked. ‘Is it because I’m a size fourteen, or that I’m a little bit cross-eyed? You should have seen me when I was born, no one knew what the heck I was looking at for the first few years of my life and…I should probably shut up now, shouldn’t I?’
‘Yes,’ Santa said, smiling at her. ‘And just in case you were wondering that was the crazy part I was referring to.’
‘So what are we going to do?’ Amy asked. ‘It’s not like we can hang out for six months, find out if we really like each other, swap keys, move in, get married, have four kids called Archie, James, Jake and Sam, is it?’
‘Now you are making yourself seem a bit stalkery.’ Santa shook his head. ‘But we could do that. There is a way that I can get past the ban on making out with Christmas Wish candidates. I could resign.’
‘You can’t resign!’ Amy exclaimed, horrified. ‘You can’t! Not on Christmas Eve! No one would get presents, children around the world would be disappointed and
probably several wars would break out! You can’t resign.’
Santa nodded. ‘I’m glad you said that.’
‘Well, if that was the loophole, it was a pants one.’ Amy pouted.
‘There is another one,’ Santa said. ‘Me and Suz discovered it back in Lapland. It would mean I could keep my job, the world would still get Christmas and you and I could…you know, get to know each other a lot better. A lot better…’
‘Really?’ Amy asked happily. ‘Well, that sounds perfect, what’s that then?’
‘We get married,’ Santa said. ‘And you come to live in Lapland…’
18. All I want for Christmas is You
‘WAS THAT A proposal?’ Amy asked, reeling.
‘No,’ Santa said. ‘It was disclosure of information. But it’s the only way we could go out together.’
‘It’s kind of extreme,’ Amy said. ‘Getting married in order to date.’
‘I know,’ Santa said. ‘And there’s more to think about. If you marry me and come to Lapland, you disappear from the world. Your family and friends won’t miss you because they won’t remember that you ever existed. For me, for most of us who work and live in Lapland, it doesn’t matter. My parents died when I was kid, I had a few close friends, and there were some girls, but no one, not a single person worth missing the chance to be Santa for. And I’ve never regretted it.
‘But you, you love your mum. And tomorrow you will get to reconcile properly with your dad, and everyone at work thinks you’re great and…well, I’m not supposed to say this, but under the circumstances, you know Eddie, the bloke from the design department?’
‘Eddie with the really blue eyes and the arms?’ Amy said automatically.
‘Yes, Eddie,’ Santa said. ‘Well, Eddie’s a good bloke and he’s had a secret crush on you for months. When we started this journey I was sure that it would lead you to Eddie in the end, because he’s a man who will love you and take care of you. A man that you could love back too. That’s really where I thought we were going until now. And you need to think about it, Amy, because if you choose me you are saying goodbye to all of that forever. You have to be sure of what you want.’
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