“How do you mean, Jack?”
“Well, I know exactly what I missed growing up and how it felt,” he looked at her to see if she understood. “My father was never around, and when he was, I could always tell he didn’t really want to be there. Because of that, if I ever do have a child, there is no way I would ever allow him to feel that same way. Does that make any sense?”
“It makes complete sense,” she was secretly glad that he kept the door open to the possibility of having children. “I know exactly what you mean.”
Suddenly emotional, Amanda turned away for a second to retrieve her wine. Don’t blow it, Amanda, she thought to herself as she tried to regain her composure, this isn’t the time to turn into an emotional mess.
“Excuse me for a second, Jack,” she managed to say as she stood up from the couch, not quite able to hide her emotions.
“Are you okay,” he asked as he stood up with her and again took her hand.
“I’m fine,” she fibbed as she let go of his hand and smiled. “Just need to use the ladies room. I’ll be back in a minute.”
“Okay,” he responded as he sat back down. “I’ll be waiting for you.”
* * *
Jack smiled as he watched Amanda disappear into the bedroom.
She is a complicated woman, he thought to himself. So many contradictions, so many insecurities, so many wonderful qualities, everything right there in front of you, so honest, so real. She really is something else.
Jack was taken aback as he thought of Amanda with Matthew and Elena. Elena was already so attached, no phoniness to overcome, Amanda’s kind heart so easily evident to children. And Matthew. Matt could barely look at her, his interest in girls starting to compete with his interest in baseball and statistics. But, Jack could tell how much he liked her. Won’t be long before baseball gets the short stick, Jack smiled as he remembered his first crush in the seventh grade.
She really would be a good mother, Jack thought to himself as he remembered the conversation they had just had. She would be a natural at it, her warmth and spirit all that she really needs. It’s a shame she chose Substance Abuse Counseling as a career, Jack worried about the kind of clients she would have to deal with. She would make a wonderful Child Psychologist, so easily able to listen to and relate to children, her difficult childhood an asset rather than a liability.
I want to be with her, he realized as he stood up from the couch to dim the lights and stoke the fire. I felt it the first time I saw her, I felt it when we kissed, I felt it when I watched her walk out of the room. I feel it whenever I’m with her.
I am ready for this, Jack convinced himself as he took a sip of wine and sat back down on the couch.
I hope she is ready too.
* * *
Amanda looked at the mirror over the dresser and tried to get a hold of her emotions.
“This is supposed to be fun,” she whispered to herself as she unzipped her suitcase on the bed and took out the red nightie she had chosen specifically for this occasion. Sexy, but not too revealing. Suggestive, but leaving something to the imagination. Yes, it was the perfect choice for this evening.
The day had been better than she could have imagined, everything seemingly leading to this moment. Watching him play with the kids and fantasizing about what a wonderful father he would be. A lovely hike in the woods, his holding her hand for the first time. An excellent dinner with just the right amount of red wine, enough to make her senses come alive, but luckily, not quite enough to turn her too emotional.
I can’t believe I am this nervous, she thought to herself as she pulled her sweater over her head and took off her jeans. I know what I’m doing, she was almost convincing as she removed her bra and panties and stood naked in front of the mirror. I’ve been with other men before.
But never a man like Jack, she realized as she looked at herself in the mirror and imagined the feel of his mouth on her body, exploring every inch of her being. That feels so good, she closed her eyes and enjoyed the sensation as her senses responded to the thought of him touching her, his mouth on her breast, his hand moving up her thigh, the feeling of accepting his touch.
Oh my God, I can’t believe I am doing this.
Her fingers moved to her breast as she felt herself become aroused as his mouth gently touched her. As she moved her fingers down her stomach, he entered her body as she felt herself quiver and heard herself breathing, gradually acclimating to his presence. Her body starting to vibrate, he penetrated more deeply as she finally gave in to him and she felt him deep inside of her. Grabbing a hold of the bedpost, she braced herself as she felt her body surge.
“Not yet, Amanda,” she whispered as she opened her eyes and regained control as she saw her reflection in the mirror. What am I doing? This is crazy, she realized as she let go of the bedpost and covered up with the negligee.
Not too bad, she thought as she turned back toward the mirror, the nightie hiding some of her flaws. I don’t think it is all about how I look with him, she smiled as she unleashed her hair from its bun and strategically fluffed it out, casually covering her breasts. He is definitely interested in me for more than that.
Am I ready for this, she took a deep breath as she glanced one final time at the mirror and gave herself some final instructions. Take your time, stay calm, just be yourself.
And please, whatever you do, don’t blow it.
Chapter Thirteen
“What are you doing, Jack?”
As he looked up from the magazine he had been nervously thumbing through, Jack found himself at a loss of words, unsure of what to say or what to do.
She looks amazing, he thought to himself as he stood up from the couch to welcome her back to the room, standing at attention seemingly the right action to take. As she moved towards him in slow motion, Jack anticipated her arrival and enjoyed the moment. Her eyes sparkling in the darkness, the light of the fire flashing against her skin, the bounce of her hair teased seductively over her breasts, leading to the sheerness of the red negligee draped perfectly over her supple figure.
“You are beautiful, Amanda,” he barely managed to say as he took her hand in his and they stood in front of the fire.
“Thank you, Jack,” she smiled as she moved his hand to her waist and then softly kissed his mouth.
Her tongue slowly found his as her hand guided him on a tour of her body, traveling first from the curve of her hip to the softness of her breast before moving to the smooth skin of her thigh. Apparently comfortable with the start of the journey, she let go of his hand as it moved up the inside of her thigh, lifting the negligee for just a second before again detouring to her breast, her arousal apparent as he lightly touched her covered nipple.
Jack closed his eyes as she retook his hand and slowly moved it down to her stomach, her muscles flexing as she kissed him more deeply. Ready to take the next step, she carefully directed the journey south, before finally, she released him with directions to explore as he may.
As he touched her softly, Jack opened his eyes to see her reaction and was blinded by the blaze of the fire as he tasted the wine from her mouth and suddenly experienced a familiar feeling, a feeling he had known before. Not quite sure what it was, he listened to her breathing quicken as he kissed her neck and smelled her perfume, the scent teasing his senses as she took off his shirt and then finally started to remove his belt. I know this feeling, he thought to himself as Amanda gently pushed him onto to the couch.
As he closed his eyes and again felt the warmth of her body, he was both excited and confused as he felt her quiver softly and his mind drifted to a special place.
* * *
I am never going to get this damn belt off, Amanda cursed herself as she tried to solve the complicated puzzle, her mind distracted by the touch of his hand.
Slow down, Amanda, you are getting way ahead of him, she thought as she stood just in front of him trying to regain her composure. I will in a second, she took a deep breath as she felt his
fingers caress her senses, her mind unable to focus on anything other than what his hand was doing.
I give up, her body shook as his mouth moved to her stomach and her negligee dropped to the floor. That feels so good, the warmth of the fire on her back allowed her body to relax and her mind to wander as she felt his hand move to her breast and his mouth travel to her hip. Oh my god, I can’t do this yet, she panicked as her body started to pulsate as his tongue touched her softly and she ran her fingers through his hair. Just a little lower, she directed him towards the spot that needed attention as she closed her eyes and felt him caress her gently as she tried to stifle a moan.
Amanda barely regained control as she pushed his head away and decided she had to address the belt problem. Getting closer to her work, she joined him on the couch and kissed his chest gently, watching his reaction as she moved her kiss to his stomach. His eyes closed in anticipation, she finally unleashed his belt, her touch arousing both of them, her body heating up.
This is better than I ever imagined, she thought to herself as she felt his muscles tense up and she enjoyed bringing him pleasure. I am truly in love with this man, her mind finally told her what her body had known all along, I have never felt this way before. It’s finally time, she thought as she climbed on top of him, now only seconds away from the pleasure she had been anticipating for months.
* * *
Is that you, Brittany?
Maybe is was the negligee. Or the warmth of the fire. Possibly the taste of the wine, the smell of her perfume, the touch of her skin. Whatever it was, Jack suddenly found himself confused, his mind flashing back to his Christmas Eve with Brittany.
I’ve missed you, Brit, I am so glad you are back.
This feels so good, his mind continued to play tricks on him as he brushed her hair with his hand and felt his body react to her touch. I hope the girls don’t wake up, he considered that maybe they should go to the bedroom for some privacy. No, we’ll just be quiet, he thought to himself as she straddled his body and he prepared to love her as she whispered in his ear.
“Make love to me, Jack.”
Hearing Amanda’s voice, Jack immediately snapped out of his blissful trance, suddenly aware of where he was, what he was doing, and who he was with. As he opened his eyes and re-acclimated himself with his surroundings, Jack knew he couldn’t do what they were about to do.
“I’m sorry, Amanda,” he whispered as he gently moved her off his body. “I can’t do this.”
“What do you mean, Jack,” she looked at him incredulously. “What’s wrong.”
“I just can’t, Amanda,” he answered without explanation. “I am so sorry.”
“What is wrong with you, Jack,” she cried as she got off of the couch and retrieved her negligee. “Did I do something wrong?”
“Amanda, you did nothing wrong,” he felt terrible seeing her cry and stood up to console her. “You’ve been great.”
“You can’t do this to me,” she exclaimed as she covered herself up with her nightie. “It’s not fair. Tell me what is wrong.”
“I am so sorry, Amanda, but I can’t,” he said as he reached for her hand.
“Don’t touch me, Jack,” she cried as she pushed his hand away and ran to the bedroom.
* * *
Amanda slammed the door behind her and fell onto the bed, her body still aroused, her emotions out of control.
What just happened? What did I do?
She thought everything had been going fine. He wanted this just as much as me, she remembered how he reacted to her touch. It’s not me, she tried to convince herself. What is wrong with him?
Maybe his heart is still broken, maybe he is going through that difficult divorce as she had previously speculated. That would make sense. Yes, they had gotten to know each other better over the last couple weeks, but he was still somewhat guarded in his private life, particularly his time in Florida. There had to be a reason for that.
Maybe I moved too fast. Maybe I was too forward. How did this happen?
This has never happened before, she thought to herself as she remembered her past. No man has ever turned down a chance to sleep with me, especially when I have practically thrown myself at them. But, Jack isn’t like all the other men I have known, really just interested in one thing. Oh my God, it is me, she thought to herself. He must think I am some kind of slut trying to have sex with him on just our third date, especially after what had happened on our two previous dates.
But, that doesn’t make any sense. I know he cares about me, she rationalized to herself as she remembered the way they had gotten to know each other, how he looked at her, the way he listened to her, how he touched her. I know the way he feels about me, at least I think I do.
Should I go try to talk to him, Amanda considered her options. Maybe we could figure it out and make everything better. Maybe I could apologize for moving so quickly, wanting too much too fast. Maybe we could start over and take it a little more slowly.
No, I have blown it, she cried to herself as she rolled over on the bed and muffled her tears with the pillow. Talking to him right now will only make it worse, she realized as she became sick to her stomach and one final question came to her lips.
“Oh my God, what have I done?”
* * *
Jack couldn’t believe what had just happened, and he punished himself for having treated Amanda so badly.
I should go talk to her, he thought about what she must be going through as he buttoned up his shirt. She has enough to worry about, enough to think about, enough rejection and betrayal in her past. It had been so wrong to do that to her.
What had he been thinking having her come up here for the weekend? It was just a bad idea, something he wasn’t nearly ready for, even if he had tried to convince himself he was. They should have just remained friends, no complications, no expectations, and definitely, no intimacy.
How did I let it get to this point?
Jack had let his guard down, his time away from Florida providing him with a false sense of security, the scarcity of reminders and the presence of Amanda allowing him to think that he was ready to move on, that he was over Brittany once and for all. Sure, he had stopped thinking about her every moment of every day, but she was still on his mind all of the time, even as he tried to ignore his thoughts, compartmentalize his feelings, and focus on his future.
But, there is no future for me, Jack realized as he decided it would be better not to go talk with Amanda. It would be better for both of us if I just left her alone and stopped leading her on, making her think that there could be something between us, some kind of future. That is never going to happen, he realized as he retrieved a blanket and a pillow from the closet.
Don’t make that mistake again, he scolded himself for having been so stupid, so naive, so inconsiderate. What made you think you could possibly be ready for this, that you could ever get over Brittany? You deserve what you got, it’s your fault this happened, he thought as he laid down on the couch, but it isn’t fair what you did to Amanda.
And, it definitely isn’t fair what you did to Brittany.
Chapter Fourteen
The sound of the children woke Amanda early, and as she rolled over to look at the clock, she remembered everything that had happened the night before.
What is wrong with me, Amanda asked herself. Why can’t I control myself when I am around him, she cringed as she remembered their unconsummated encounters, the way her body reacted whenever she was near him. What must he think of me, her mind drifted back to the disaster of the previous night.
As she stared at the ceiling and ran through the entire evening for the hundredth time in her mind, Amanda considered the option of staying in her room and hiding from him. She could just hide out in the room until it was time to leave, she thought, and then just ignore him during the car ride home. Yes, maybe that would be a good idea.
Realizing that she would eventually have to come out and that it would be useless to try to go
back to sleep with so many thoughts running through her head, Amanda got out of bed and put on her robe. She was going to have to face him sooner or later, and it would be rude to not spend some time with his brother’s family. Taking a cursory glance in the mirror, she wondered if she was ready to face him, if she could possibly talk to him.
What is there to say?
Anticipating seeing him lying on the couch, Amanda slowly opened the door to the bedroom, not sure what she would feel. I am just going to ignore him, she decided as she entered the room, her body deflating as she saw he was no longer there. Relieved but at the same time disappointed not to see him, Amanda tried to hide her discomfort as she made her way through the house.
“Good morning, Mary,” she tried to smile as she entered the kitchen.
“Good morning, Amanda,” Mary returned her smile as she looked up from the bacon on the stove. “How did you sleep?”
“I slept well,” she fibbed as she sat down at the counter. “Breakfast smells great. What happened to the kids, I just heard them a minute ago.”
“They went to find Jack and Mike for breakfast,” she answered as she placed the bacon under a paper towel and then poured some coffee before sitting down next to Amanda. “How about some coffee, looks like you could use some.”
“Thanks, Mary,” she appreciated her simple kindness.
“So, how did it go last night,” Mary took a sip of coffee as she prepared for some girl talk.
“It went well,” Amanda managed to convincingly hide her disappointment.
“I am so glad,” Mary was sincerely happy for her. “You guys are perfect together. I haven’t seen Jack this happy in a long time.”
“Do you really think so,” Amanda tried to find some hope.
“I know, Amanda,” Mary put her hand on hers. “I’ve known him for twenty years, and in all those years, the only time I’ve ever seen him as happy was when he was with Brittany. But, no matter how tough it is, he needs to get over her once and for all and move on with his life.”
Broken Man Page 10
