As he looked down at ace queen off suit in the cut-off, Jack heard a raise to fifty announced in first position. After two players called, Jack knew his hand wasn’t great to play four-handed and thought he might even be able to find a fold. But, in the mood he was in, he decided he might as well get it over with.
“I re-raise,” he announced. “I’m all in.”
“I call,” the early position raiser immediately responded as the other two players folded. “Do you have aces.”
“No, your kings are good,” Jack replied as he flipped over his cards and called the other player’s hand.
The problem is that I might be in love with her, Jack realized as the board ran out and he didn’t catch the ace he needed. How did that happen? Why would I fall in love with the first woman I met after I left Florida?
“I’m done guys,” Jack got up and tried to smile, fully aware he was on tilt, down a thousand dollars in two hands. “I’ll see you later.”
As he walked out of the poker room, Jack attempted to rationalize his feelings for Amanda. He had just used Amanda in an attempt to get over Brittany, a psychological ploy to try and forget the woman he had lost. It could have been any woman, he lied to himself, and it had almost worked thanks to the woman that Amanda was. He had just been fortunate in his timing, fortunate that she was the first woman he had met in Atlantic City.
But, it hadn’t worked, and for good reason. He was never going to get over Brittany. She was the love if his life, the only woman he would ever truly love. He had been right to tell Amanda he didn’t love her, he had been right to not lead her on any longer. It was never going to work.
Approaching the check in desk, Jack finally realized the error of his ways and kicked himself as he promised not to make the same mistake again. It doesn’t matter whether I love her or not, he thought to himself, what I did was wrong. As he handed his credit card to the clerk, Jack thought of Amanda crying in the hallway, the pain of his words registering on her face, and he finally realized what was really bothering him.
I should have never given her hope, I should have never lead her on, I should have never broken her heart.
Chapter Sixteen
After the weekend in the mountains, Amanda did her best to forget about Jack, burying herself in her studies and her work, racing towards the day she would finally leave Atlantic City.
She continued to work non-stop six days a week, school during the day, dealing poker at night, trying not to think about him, leaving little time to consider what had gone wrong. She saved up her money and completed her thesis, the only two barriers to her leaving this town out of the way. Her schedule so hectic, life wasn’t really too bad for six days of the week.
But, Sundays were hell. Starting from the minute she woke up, she thought about him, no school or work to distract her mind. She wondered what he was doing, wondered where he was. She would try to call him, never to get an answer, the sound of his voice breaking her heart, the rest of the day spent spiraling downward under a flood of emotions. By the time it turned dark outside, Amanda would already be buried in the safety of her bed, her curtains drawn, her mind aware that this was her fate, her destiny to never find happiness.
Amanda hit bottom on the last Sunday in April, the final day of the month. Just a week away from her departure, she decided she had to see him, she had to talk to him. Her phone call again fruitless, she walked the boardwalk in a pathetic attempt to find him, seeing the poker room they had played, the restaurant where they had dinner, remembering the way he had smiled at her, the way he had touched her. But, he was no where to be found, and Amanda finally gave up her search as dusk approached.
As she retreated to the solitude of her apartment, her emotions again took over. She realized that she was never going to see him again. He was probably long gone, back in Florida, back to running his resort, no longer able to think about her, no longer able to love her. As she crawled into bed and started to cry, Amanda finally realized what she had known ever since she was a child.
She was going to be alone for the rest of her life.
* * *
Jack spent the month of April trying to run away from his demons, trying to escape his memories, trying to forget who he was.
He attempted to re-establish his sanitary life at a new location, again a stranger in the poker room, a man without a home. He returned to his well thought out schedule, workout in the morning, lunch in the afternoon, poker in the evening, as if the comfort of the routine would allow him to forget about what had happened, forget about what he had done.
But, there was no escaping this time, there was too just much on his mind. The woman he had lost, the woman he had found. The way that he had loved, the way that he had hurt. What had been taken from him, what he had given away.
He hardly ate and barely slept, his mind too distracted with constant reminders of everything he had lost, his dreams turning back into nightmares, that horrible night running over and over through his head. It was so real and so painful that Jack tried to avoid sleep, to avoid that memory, but to no avail, the exhaustion and the nightmare inevitably overtaking him.
Poker was also a disaster. The problems started at the beginning of the night as he walked into the poker room at 6:00, and for some reason, still expected to see Amanda, even though he was now playing at a different room. He missed their evening conversations, the sound of her voice, the warmth of her smile. Jack knew it wasn’t logical, but the immediate letdown of not seeing her set the tone for the night, and poker was back to being a losing proposition, one that would soon make sense to again give up.
He knew he could go see her and he knew she wanted to see him, but that door was closed, and Jack understood that it had to stay shut. Still, it hurt so much to hear her messages, to hear the pain in her voice as he remembered the beauty and sadness of her face, the touch of her skin. But, he also knew she would get over him eventually, and with time, maybe he would get over her as well.
As April turned to May, Jack realized his situation was hopeless. His source of income having turned into a drain and his mind now twice as distracted as it had been before, it was time for him to leave Atlantic City.
He might as well return to Florida, he thought to himself. He had a good job still waiting for him, and he could work around the memories of Brittany until they gradually faded away over time, the pain ameliorating, his mind healing. Jack knew there was no way he was ever going to forget Brittany, but maybe leaving Atlantic City would allow him to get over Amanda and the terrible way he had treated her. Maybe his mind could finally make some amends for what he had done.
But, he quickly realized that wasn’t going to happen. What he had done to Amanda was unforgivable, and there were no mental amends he could make to excuse his behavior. There was only one thing he could do to make it better, one thing that could possibly clear his mind.
Before he could leave Atlantic City, he had to see her, just one more time.
* * *
Amanda’s last night in Atlantic City started as it always did, promptly at 6:00, stationed at the break table in the high limit section of the poker room.
The half hour at the break table was the toughest half hour of the day, and Amanda was thankful it was the last one she would ever have. She didn’t want to think about him again, didn’t want to remember all of their conversations, didn’t want to anticipate him walking through that door.
She was numb. Amanda had looked forward to her last night many times, thought about how it would feel to have accomplished all of her goals and to be on the verge of finally leaving this crappy town. She had expected to feel elation and excitement, a sense of purpose and accomplishment as she looked forward to finally living the life she had dreamed of since she was a little girl.
But, she felt nothing. Nothing except the pain and the loneliness she always felt, supplemented by the exhaustion from finishing up her school work and packing up her apartment during the last few days. At least she was ready to
leave, she thought to herself, the commencement ceremony tomorrow the last thing on her to do list.
Where am I going to go?
That is a good question, Amanda considered her options as she looked down at the chips in her tray as she had done a thousand times before. I could use this ten thousand dollars, she thought to herself as she counted the chips and figured out how long she could go without a job. I can probably last a month, she decided as she pictured finding a pleasant place to live and a decent job, anything to keep her mind off of him.
“Hi, Amanda,” she was stunned to hear his voice.
She shifted her feet and put her hands on the table as she looked up at him and tried to steady herself enough to say something. “Hi, Jack, how are you.”
“I am fine,” he smiled sadly. “How are you.”
“I’m fine,” she lied. “Where have you been, I tried to call you.”
“I know, and I am sorry I didn’t return your calls,” he answered sincerely. “I just wasn’t ready.”
“That’s okay,” Amanda suddenly found hope. “I understand.”
She watched as he paused for a second and considered what to say. I wonder what he has been doing for the last month, she thought to herself as she watched for his reaction. Maybe he has finally figured out what is important, maybe he realizes how he feels about me.
“Look, I am going to be leaving town tomorrow, and before I leave, I just want to apologize for what I did,” he immediately shattered her hopes. “It was wrong, wrong to lead you on, wrong to let you think there could be something between us. I am so sorry.”
“Goddamn it, Jack,” she was surprised as her anger finally came out. “Would you please stop apologizing. That is not what this is about.”
He looked stunned by her anger, but he managed to reply as his reaction shifted to resignation. “Tell me what it is about then, Amanda.”
“I don’t need to tell you, Jack, you already know. You just won’t let yourself feel anything, you are trying so hard to protect yourself. That is no way to live, and I know how that feels, Jack. Trust me, I have felt it my entire life,” she paused as she tried to collect her thoughts.
“So, what do you want me to do,” she sensed him growing defensive. “You’re the Psychologist, you tell me what it is I should be doing.”
Her anger suddenly changed to empathy as she looked at him across the table and fell in love with him all over again. “Jack, you need to grieve, you need to talk about it. Let me in, let me love you. I promise, everything will be okay.”
The pause was endless as she watched him process what she was saying, watched him try to react. Again, she saw his face go through a multitude of emotions and she knew what he was going to say even before he spoke.
“I’m sorry, Amanda,” he couldn’t even look at her. “I can’t.”
Chapter Seventeen
As he looked at the towering casinos of Atlantic City in his rearview mirror, Jack was relieved as he exited south onto the Garden State Parkway.
His time in Atlantic City hadn’t gone nearly as planned. It was supposed to be a trip to clear his mind, to get away from his memories. Instead, his mind was now more cluttered than ever, his emotions on the verge of breaking down.
What had he been thinking going to see Amanda the night before? He certainly hadn’t been thinking about her, he had just selfishly trying to make himself feel better. Hoping she would forgive him so he could check her off his list, visiting her at work his apparent insurance that she would not get emotional. It had been just another excuse to return to his dispassionate life, to confirm to himself that he didn’t love her, that he couldn’t have feelings for her.
But, she had not let him get away with it. Amanda had called him on his refusal to love her, to let her love him. She had not granted him forgiveness, instead making him feel even worse for what he had done, what he couldn’t do. What had he been thinking, he remembered how he felt as he watched her leave the table, crying uncontrollably, unable to control her emotions. He hadn’t even had the heart to console her.
The ringing of his phone distracted Jack from his thoughts, and as he prepared to turn it off if it was her, he instead saw Delaney’s name appear on the screen.
“Hi, Delaney, how are you,” he tried to answer with enthusiasm. “I haven’t heard from you in a while.”
“I’m sorry, Jack,” she answered. “Dad took away my phone after he saw that I called you.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, honey. I hope I didn’t get you in too much trouble.”
“No, it’s okay,” she replied. “He wasn’t happy at first, but I think we have finally worked some things out. That’s why I am calling. I talked to Dad, and he said it would be okay if you, me, and Bailey visited Mommy next Sunday for Mother’s Day.”
Jack wasn’t sure how to react. He didn’t know if he was ready for that, especially after last night. But, he also wasn’t about to let Delaney down.
“Are you sure we are ready, Delaney,” he asked cautiously.
“Jack, I’m not sure. But, I know that we need to try,” he heard her pause. “I know that we need to try to move on with our lives. That’s what Mom would have wanted.”
Jack had known all along that is what Brittany would have wanted, but for some reason, hearing those words from Delaney finally verified it for him. The timing of her phone call must mean something, Jack thought to himself as he decided that he needed to go in a different direction, that he needed to give it one more chance.
“Okay, honey, I am in,” Jack replied as he looked at his watch. “Do you want me to pick you up.”
“No, that’s okay, Jack,” Delaney sounded pleased. “Dad said he would drop us off, and then maybe we can have breakfast and you can take us home. Would 10:00 be okay?”
“That sounds fine, Delaney,” he suddenly understood what he had to do. “I will see you then.”
“Sounds good, Jack. I love you.”
“I love you, too, Delaney,” he responded as he hung up the phone and looked for the nearest exit to turn around.
* * *
Amanda looked out at the mass of people in the outdoor amphitheater celebrating the success of their loved ones, their day of accomplishment finally here.
She watched at students flooded off of the stage and hugged their parents, their brother and sisters, their grandparents, even their friends.
It was nice, Amanda thought to herself as she looked down at her degree that now meant so little, nice to have people to hug, people who love you.
“We finally did it,” Sue grabbed her arm and pulled her in for a hug. “I never thought we would get there.”
“I didn’t either,” Amanda offered a smile, happy to have a friend. “I am so proud of you, Sue. We got through this together.”
“We did, honey,” she smiled as Amanda remembered the day they had met as undergrads. “Who else goes to the same school for their Undergrad, Masters, and Doctorate.”
“Only fools like us who can’t afford anything else and don’t know any better,” she managed to laugh. “Seriously, Sue, I appreciate you being there for me. You’ve been a great friend and I couldn’t have done it without you.”
“Same for me, Amanda,” she hugged her again. “Why don’t you reconsider and come on over to the house. I’ll even introduce you to a couple of my cousins.”
“That sounds too good to be true,” she returned Sue’s tease but realized she wasn’t in the proper mood for a raucous afternoon with Sue’s extended Italian family. “Maybe I’ll take you up on it next time.”
“Amanda, are you sure. Why don’t you just stay over tonight, you can leave tomorrow.”
“Thanks, Sue,” she appreciated the generosity of her friend. “But, I am honestly just ready to leave. Do you understand?”
“I do, honey,” she looked at her with kindness. “Promise me you will be careful and that you will call when you get settled.”
“I promise,” Amanda smiled as she gave Sue one l
ast hug. “Tell your family I said hi and sorry I couldn’t make it. I love you.”
“I love you too,” she replied awkwardly as she spotted her family celebrating just off stage. “I better get down there before they get out of control.”
“Go ahead, Sue, I’ll be fine. Have a good time.”
“I will,” she smiled back at her as she left the stage. “Don’t forget to call me.”
“I won’t,” Amanda replied as she realized that once again, she was alone.
* * *
I’m too late, Jack thought to himself as he arrived at the amphitheater and watched as a happy mob celebrated a milestone. I am never going to find her in this crowd.
He scanned the throng of people and still couldn’t find her, his eyes drawn to the massive party going on below the stage. Where is she, he thought to himself as he worried she had already left, no one to talk to, no one to celebrate with.
And then, he saw her, his eyes unable to miss the solitary figure on stage, elegant in her white gown. I am glad I came back, Jack thought to himself as he watched her sit down on a folding chair. She shouldn’t be alone today.
As he worked his way through the crowd, Jack kept his eyes on Amanda, making sure he didn’t lose her. What am I going to say after last night, he asked himself, his last second decision to attend not allowing time to prepare. Just be honest, he decided, just try to talk like normal people, like the way they used to talk before all this happened.
As he was halfway to the stage, he saw her stand up and turn to leave the back of the stage. Don’t leave now, I am almost there.
“Amanda, Amanda,” he screamed in panic as she walked away.
But, she couldn’t hear him above the crowd, and as Jack aggressively pushed his way to the stage, his head told him what his heart was already feeling.
Broken Man Page 12
