by Tiana Laveen
“Why do men cheat, Saint? I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years, and I know he’s cheating. How can I…get him to stop?”
“Okay, Terri, first of all, you’re looking at this incorrectly.” Saint put his hand up, as if waiting to catch a ball. “You are taking on the brunt of the responsibility, believing there is something you need to do in order to fix him. No.” Saint shook his head. “If you believe he is cheating, he very well may be. Before we get into any advice, first I want to know, why are you convinced of this?”
“Why? I’ll tell you why. He comes in all hours of the night. I ask this fool where the hell he’s been, and he says some mess like, ‘I been where I been and I’m at where I’m at and will be where I will be.’ He is also distant now. We fight all the time and it’s like he is trying to drive me crazy or something.”
“Are you still having sex with one another?”
“Yes, but he is totally selfish about it now.”
“So, he is just getting his own pleasure and not delivering the same to you? You’re not having orgasms?”
“Right.”
“Okay, well.” Saint scratched the top of his ear and shifted in his seat. “Those are some of the signs. The verbal combativeness, staying out, changes in sexual delivery or performance. More often, the sex frequency drops or there are unexpected changes in the bedroom. Okay, first of all, if he is not even being honest, then you can’t remedy the relationship. When a person steps out on their relationship and seeks the sexual company of another, it means they feel they need or want something they currently do not have at home.” He pounded his fingertips on the table before him to drive the points home. “That does not mean their mate is doing anything wrong though! Many women seem to get this confused. You think, ‘What does she have that I don’t?’ And that’s the wrong question to ask. … Terri, you should be asking yourself, why are you staying?”
There was a brief pause.
“Well, I love him.”
“So, you love him more than you love and respect yourself…” Saint swallowed, crossed his arms and sat back in his seat as he casually crossed his ankles.
“Well, no. I mean that I have three years invested in this and he was a good person. You don’t just walk out on someone because you hit a bump in the road.”
“Terri, Terri, Terri!” He grinned. “A bump in the road is a man that was caught in a white lie. A bump in the road is one of you losing your job, then suffering financial hardship. A bump in the road is an expected, no-fault-of-your-own occurrence or the consequences of past dealings. No, this is recent, right here and now. A man that won’t tell you his whereabouts isn’t a bump in the road, Terri! A man who had nothing to hide will tell his mate where he is going, approximately when he will return, and what he did while he was out! A man who consistently shoots off inside of you, gets his rocks off first with no consideration of your needs is not a bump in the road. The only bump in the road, Terri, is you getting in your own way of the true value of your life and what you deserve.”
“Well, it’s not like that all the time.” She huffed, sounding slightly offended. “Not all men are the same, Dr. Aknaten. I just need to know how to improve this, you know? You’re kinda making him sound bad.”
“…You can’t be serious. Are you for real?!” Saint cracked up laughing. “This must be a hidden camera show.” He looked around the room then turned back to the microphone. “I’m making your man sound bad?” He pointed at his chest, a bit astonished at the accusation. “I did nothing but repeat what you told me he was doing! I didn’t embellish, add to the story, take away or instigate. I relayed the facts of what you shared.”
“Is it because he’s a black man?” She slid it in there so slyly, as if she was running to third base…
Shade…
Saint looked at the switchboard for what felt like an eternity. He ran his palm along his chest, then slapped the table as his stomach rolled with bubbles of humor.
“Now how the fuck would I know the man in question was black, Terri?! If you believe that I can’t give unbiased answers, and that I have some secret agenda, why would you even pay me the time of day, huh?! When it comes to fucking around, goddamn it, the color of the dick doesn’t mean shit! If he was white, Asian, Latino, I’d still say the same goddamn thing! Black men aren’t the only ones who cheat ’nd fuck around! You think I’m such an imbecile and don’t know this?! You are now making me the focus, because you can’t handle the damn truth!”
Aubrey shot him a look, her face full of concern, but she didn’t dare interrupt.
“You have issues with black men and everybody knows it! I had to—”
“Be quiet. I have something else to say to you.” He pointed at the microphone, his body heating with dormant frustration now being released onto the woman. “Look…Terri, since you know so damn much about me and my kind, about men in general, why in the hell did you call this show? No, don’t even bother answering.” Saint laughed cheerlessly. “I tell you what, when you’ve had enough, you give me a call back, okay? After you hang up, imagine that mothafucka’s dick in another woman’s pussy, okay? Because that is the reality of your messed up situation. After you get finished trying to psychoanalyze me and telling me what I’m about and what issues you presume I have, you call that mothafucka on his cell phone and see if he answers! He won’t! Because he is too busy fucking someone else while his silly girlfriend calls into a radio show defending his sorry ass! When you’re sick and tired of being treated like the side chick, like the damn rusty ass mistress, and dealing with a man that doesn’t give a shit about you, you let me know, okay?”
“I called you to get your advice!” The woman’s voice trembled as she blurted into her phone after being taken off mute.
“No, you didn’t. You called me so that I would give you pointers on how to keep this low life, low grade, low vibration mothafucka a bit longer, string out this train wreck you call a love affair. How to throw a Band-Aid on your cancerous relationship… Ain’t shit you can do to make this man treat you right! You could have the tightest, wettest pussy this side of the damn equator. You could be willing to suck him dry at the drop of a damn hat, take it in the back door like a champ and let him toss you around the bedroom like a mothafuckin’ bean bag. You could have the face of a super model and the body shape of a glass coke bottle from 1962, be built like a damn brick house, stacked like money in a rap video, and he’d still fuck around on you…and do you know why? Because he can!
“You fu—” Aubrey’s eyes grew big as she slammed her finger on the button, putting the caller on mute and hold.
“But no.” He laughed loudly, continuing on. “You want to tell me this mothafucka ain’t ‘all bad’, and would I have told you the same if he weren’t black, like I give a damn what race he is, like I knew that shit…like I can see that mothafucka through the goddamn radio waves! What kinda silly ass, high school bullfuckery is this?! You are the one that called here, and asked to speak to me.” He pointed to his chest, his brows dipped. “You were the one that asked me why men cheat. I’ll tell you why men cheat, Terri: because they of the insecure people around them, gluttons for abuse! In other words, silly ass women like you! And this goes out to all you ridiculous ass broads that wanna sit around whining about that mothafucka in your house not doing you right, but year after mothafuckin’ year, and baby after mothafuckin’ baby, you keep his ass around and having his kids even though he has not placed even a magazine picture of a damn ring in your vicinity! He hasn’t said one thing to you and lived up to his damn promise and you still stick around!
“You keep laying down, standing up, pushed against the wall, whatever the fuck you’re doing, getting knocked up by losers and then blamin’ that mothafucka for being a shitty son of a bitch, like this is new mothafuckin’ information! This ignorant ass shit! Get your shit tight! Get it together! Damn!” He pointed to his temple. “Your mind is weak, Terri! Your soul is weak now too! It doesn’t even want to be tied to you
anymore. It wishes it belonged to someone else goddamn it because you’re abusing the Goddess within! She wants to be free of your dumb ass bullshit!”
Aubrey reached over and touched his arm to try to reel him in, but Saint snatched it away.
“No, I’m not done! This shit is personal to me, okay?” He stabbed his chest with his finger. “I have a daughter, a precious little girl who is going to grow into a woman and be out in the world and over my damn body will she think this sort of scenario is okay! We’ve got to raise our daughters, men! Fo’ all you guys listening to this call, I want you to pay close fucking attention! You hear this shit Terri is talking about? Where the fuck is Terri’s goddamn daddy, huh?! She is turning men into her damn Daddy, that’s where the fuck he is! I already know your whole story, woman! You didn’t have a father and if you did, he wasn’t shit! It is the story of so many women who are spiritually flat as doormats, and treated even lesser than. You are tired of being walked on? Rise the fuck up! No one walks on the goddamn sky! Elevate yourself, woman! You allow men to cheat by taking our shit, by not setting the bar higher.” He put his arm in the air. “If you aren’t in an open relationship, and a man is fucking other women, that’s cheating and it means he doesn’t give two shits about you or your damn feelings. He knows he can come home whenever the fuck he wants, hump you for thirty seconds and talk shit because you let him get away with it! He told your ass the truth when he answered where the fuck he was! He told you exactly what he thinks of you, and he thinks you’re stupid and weak! That’s why the fuck men cheat, Traci! That’s fucking why!”
Aubrey broke in, stumbling over her words, but Saint cut her short.
“I’m almost done… We cheat because we are wired to procreate and to run around impregnating women. Don’t like it? Take it up with nature. Here is where you see the difference between boys and men though, Terri. We have to fight that, and be righteous, be divine, because we do not ascend to a higher spiritual level if we simply allow that to take place.” He placed his hands in the air, as if on scales. “Seed is essence, it is precious, but only a spiritually attuned person would understand this. He is following his primitive nature because he is a bottom tier son of a bitch. He is a basic mothafucka and he has a basic woman by his sorry ass side!”
Aubrey took the woman off hold and they were immediately blasted by her screeching voice.
“I don’t like how the hell you’re talking to me! You are a disrespectful, rude, mean son of a bitch!”
Saint rolled his eyes. “Go yell at that man, Terri! I bet he hasn’t even heard you raise your damn voice with you too afraid to rock the boat, but you got brass balls when it comes to a man like me, right? Someone on the radio… You have all the gumption in the damn world! Go use that where it counts!”
“Dr. Aknaten, you self hating, arrogant bastard. Go to hell!”
“Put her ass on mute again, but don’t hang up,” Saint whispered, his finger pointed to the button. Aubrey did as requested.
“I’ve been to hell and saw women like you there partying it up at ‘Club Ignorance’… Now, I’ve grown really tired of you, but if I bring this home, I just may help someone else who is open to hearing what I have to say. So, be quiet and listen, you just may learn something, Terri. Oh, and I don’t hate myself, sweetie… I’m too damn beautiful for that, baby! If I could marry myself, I fuckin’ would, believe that!” He smirked. “Now, back to you.” He cleared his throat and leaned in close to the microphone. “I’m glad you’re mad. It’s about damn time! My job here is done.” He cackled. “I suggest you take all this anger you have now towards me, and use it to boost your valley-ditched self-esteem. That, my dear, is your assignment. The way you just yelled at me—yell at him and while you are doing it, pack his shit!
“You want to know what I meant by basic, baby?” He sneered. “You are the base model, the one without all the bells and whistles, and he knows it. You don’t ask for much because you don’t really think you deserve better. The first question out of your mouth, was, ‘Why do men cheat?’ instead of, ‘How can I get out of this situation and love myself again?’ That is what the fuck you should have been asking me!” He jabbed his finger into his chest. “Right now, you are too afraid of being alone.” Saint threw up his hands. “So, there is nothing I can do for you, sweetheart. Now, Aubrey, do me a favor, baby.” He grinned and winked at her.
“Yes?”
“Clear the line for someone that really needs assistance. Terri is on some otha shit… You got the wrong man, sweetie. Get indignant with that, mothafucka!”
Saint had had it up to here with people like Terri. They said they wanted help, but they really didn’t. She wanted to take the reins on some shit she never had control of—another human being! Not to mention one who wanted to keep running the streets and screwing other women!
“Well,” Aubrey smirked as she slid her hand up and down her knee. “I suppose that sums it up. That was a rather intense but educational interaction. Ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Saint Aknaten is extremely honest. You will receive no handholding, coddling or glittery words from this man and I agree with his sentiments regarding our last caller. Ladies, we have to take control over our circumstances! Do not try to alter another human being’s behavior. He or she must change within and from their own motivation. We only have control over ourselves… Next caller, you’re on the air with Aubrey Jericho and Dr. Saint Akhaten…”
*
Chapter Six
Saint stood in his front yard, his back straight as he admired his land. He stared at the vast Kelly green lawn then walked up to the slate stone birdbath planted smack dab in the middle of the sward. He sauntered around the thing, holding his cell phone so tightly, his digits began to stiffen and lock up. His stress level soared from the bottom of his feet and burst through his skull. Nerves? Shot. Saint felt like an ultra small rubber band was tightening around his pressure points, squeezing and squeezing until he had no more to give.
“This is exactly what I was telling you when you were here, son. Do you understand how long it took me to realize there are things I must not interfere with when it comes to you? I knew when you went onto Egypt, against my will, that I had to stop interfering. I had to accept you have always been one to ultimately make your own choices.” He paused, as if he needed a break from the heavy conversation. “All I can say was…it was quite difficult. It’s like seeing your child go off to war, over and over again. The pain never stops.”
Saint looked up into the sky, closing one eye as he focused on the soft, moving clouds. The sky had turned from a bright Crayola blue to a dusky gray.
“Look, Dad, I can’t say I know how you feel because Hassani isn’t old enough for me to get a front row seat to your pain, but I know that shit is coming… All I can say is that I do empathize. Thanks for letting me vent with you, bounce off a few things.”
“I will always be here for you, always.”
Saint stared down at the ground, noting the evenly cut blades of grass, buzzed off like an army certified haircut. His feet smashed a small section, depressing the blades, making them spread and bend under his weight. In that moment he thought,
I wonder if the grass can feel that?
It smelled good outside. The mixture of freshly cut lawns, blossoming trees and fresh lilacs mixed together created a warm weather concoction that soothed him just right. A light breeze moved the strands of his hair around, tickling his scalp, making him realize that he would indeed miss some things about L.A., after all. His father spoke up once again, wrecking his reflections.
“I want to protect you, make sure no harm comes to my only child, but your destiny is different than mine. Though I am not multi-tiered, I have full understanding of what you endure on just about a daily basis. There were many multi-tiered Angel Children in my family, as well as your mother’s. I knew what you were as soon as you were born, and it surpassed my greatest fears because it meant that your lot in life would be an uphill battle. I was a terrible father.”<
br />
The older man sighed, coming down on himself. “But I loved you, Saint, and I still do, even more so. I love you so very much that when I speak to you, I try to not do it from a selfish perspective, but from one that is best for you and your family. In my heart, I knew you were to come back home once I saw how you became upset in the new house. It was definitely a defining moment. You are returning not just for me, but for a greater purpose.”
“Yeah, and that’s just the thing, Dad. I still don’t know what that is…the purpose. I really hate that shit. It’s what I detest about this entire process.” Saint sighed and dipped his finger into the stick and leaf filled water of the birdbath. He swirled it around, making aquatic designs, enjoying the feel of the water against his sun-warmed skin. Cradling the phone between his shoulder and neck, he paused.
“Hold on, Dad…”
He’d noticed a tiny, emerald cricket drowning in the shallow bath. The damn thing flipped and flopped about with his tiny legs getting him no further than he was a moment before. With a finger, Saint scooted the little insect into his palm, then set it free as he bent to one knee in the perfectly manicured grass.
“I also didn’t think I’d feel so homesick and we haven’t even moved yet.” He looked over his shoulder back at the place. The house he’d purchased for his wife, the one she loved. The home they’d made inside of it. All of their children had been conceived there. The memories would always remain, good and bad, but the frame of the picture would be eradicated. He looked back up at the sky and became aware of an exquisite painting taking place before his eyes.
The claret sun had begun to set in the tropical orange sky. He turned back towards the birdbath, and realized how much he felt like the damn cricket. He just hoped and prayed that if he couldn’t get out of whatever trouble was on its way, someone would assist him too in his time of need, like he had the little creature…
