“Serious stuff.”
“Ya The first time I mentioned my symptoms to Mattie, she was alarmed, practically beside herself with concern, so I downplayed how I felt. Her mother has had health issues all of Mattie’s life, and when she almost died about six years ago, Mattie struggled. She barely slept, and when she did, she had nightmares.”
“Beth told me about that.”
He scratched his brow, remembering how dark and confusing life was when he couldn’t share his concerns with the one person he needed most. “After going in circles with doctors who couldn’t figure out what was wrong, I went to a new doctor. He diagnosed me to be in the chronic phase of a rare form of leukemia.” His throat closed up.
Jonah shifted his cane from one hand to the other. “I … I didn’t know.”
“No one does, except my family, and I swore them to secrecy.” He cleared his throat. “I told people I had out-of-town jobs, and I went to a cancer center in Philadelphia for treatment. That’s where I met Ashley … Sabrina’s sister. She’d had leukemia for years and was a volunteer at the clinic. We became friends. She believed we’d both get well, and I was almost convinced. But rather than me getting better, the cancer jumped to the worst possible stage—the blast phase.”
“But you didn’t tell Mattie what was going on?”
“I hated the idea of telling her. Still, I decided to tell her after the holidays. But on Christmas Day, Ashley came to my house, needing to talk. She’d received new test results, and her prognosis was grim. She’d been positive of a cure, regardless of the nightmare roller coaster she’d been on for so long. While I was consoling Ashley, Mattie walked in. She saw us hugging and wanted answers.”
“What did you tell her?”
“That she needed to date others.”
“Why would you say that?”
“Ashley’s type of cancer was much easier to beat than mine, and when her cancer returned, her whole family went into a tailspin. I knew I didn’t want to drag Mattie down that road with me. Letting her think I cared for Ashley freed her to build a life of her own rather than watching mine deteriorate.”
Jonah took the stool beside Gideon. “All this time you’ve let her believe you care for someone else?”
“I couldn’t see any other way of protecting her … so I lied. I said I wanted to be free.” But he hadn’t been free. His heart had remained her captive. “Even though I’m in complete remission right now, the disease could return tomorrow. Or next year. Or a decade from now.”
“Or never,” Jonah took off his jacket. “You should’ve let Mattie make her own decision.”
“She’d just turned nineteen the day before. A kid, really.”
“And what were you, all of twenty-two?”
“Barely. I have no doubts that if she had known the truth, she would have stayed by my side.” Gideon clenched his fingers together. “I’d never try to get her back. But watching her with someone else is killing me more than the cancer.”
Jonah folded his hands together and stared at them. “Remember when you told me you found it odd that Beth, who’s spent more than a decade making her own decisions, constantly asks my opinion about things?”
Gideon nodded. “You said that when two people are a couple, they need to get each other’s opinions before making any decision that impacts both, or they’ll store up trouble for their future.”
“Regardless of the purity of your motivation, you’ve brought problems on Mattie and yourself.”
Gideon shook his head. “I know I’ve hurt her. But staying with me would have brought her even more pain. There’s no telling what it would have done to her.”
“You think you were guarding Mattie’s heart. But it sounds to me as if the only thing you protected her from was making her own choices.”
Like a workhorse whose blinders had been removed, Gideon saw beyond the narrow path directly in front of him. He viewed a landscape that had once been fertile soil growing lush greenery but now was parched and desertlike with multiple shades of brown.
The cancer hadn’t done that. He had.
And because of his actions, Mattie had moved away, found good soil, and replanted her life.
One question remained. What should he do now?
After embracing Sol, Mattie waited in the yard of Beth’s home while he took his overnight bag to her carriage tied outside the store.
A light snowfall swirled around her, making everything look peaceful and charming, but Gideon’s confession had rattled her. On the one hand, relief that he wasn’t nearly as shallow as she’d thought lapped over her. On the other hand, disappointment that he’d chosen Ashley over her still stung—even if he had bonded with the Englischer girl out of compassion. At least his sketchy account of what had happened between the two of them lined up a lot better with who she’d always thought him to be, a kind and deeply caring man.
He should have told her the truth about Ashley before she caught them together. And when he broke up with her, why didn’t he tell her about Ashley’s illness? What had he been thinking?
Gideon had always been complicated. She used to think of him like an oak tree—the magnificent, stretching limbs didn’t compare to the complex root system.
Sol walked toward her, and she tried to clear her mind, not wanting Sol to see the conflicting emotions on her face. She wished she felt nothing for Gideon. But wishing it didn’t make it real.
The man in front of her was the opposite of Gideon in every way. He said what he thought, always simple and straightforward. She liked that about him. He wasn’t full of twists and turns that could confuse or hurt her. She wished she could return to Ohio with him now and not look back. Since the cake-tasting was over, maybe she could pop back in and tell them a quick good-bye. Then she’d leave and keep right on moving … in every possible way.
She opened her arms, gesturing across the land. “Welcome to Apple Ridge.”
“Denki.” He glanced at the road. “I’m so glad you’re here. Do you realize I don’t have the address to your house?”
“So how did you find me?”
“The driver knew how to get to Hertzlers’ Dry Goods, so our plan was to stop by and ask someone in the store where you lived. But here you are.”
“I’m wrapping up a cake-tasting event for my cousin and aunt and their fiancés.”
He placed his hands on her shoulders, looking bewildered, but his smile gave him away. “So how’d we manage two years of courtship without my ever coming to your folks’ place?”
She put her arm around his waist, not feeling the least bit of warmth emanating from him through his wool coat. “Because they always visit us. And you would have been here for Thanksgiving this year … if the shop hadn’t burned down. But you’ll see my childhood home soon enough. Why don’t you bring the rig up to the front door? I’ll tell everyone a quick bye, and we’ll be on our way.”
He frowned, a moment of disbelief flashing in his eyes. “You don’t want me to step inside and meet your cousin and aunt?”
Not really. She’d have to introduce him to Gideon, which would be awkward. But it’d only take a few moments. “Oh, ya. Sure.” As they climbed the stairs to Beth’s home, they parted a bit.
“Are you hungry?” she asked.
“No.” He reached for her hand.
Holding hands was out of character for Sol, but she didn’t question it. “Did I see other Amish in the van when you were dropped off?”
Lines of frustration showed on his face. “Ya. I rode with the King family. They’re on their way to Lancaster. Since they have the only Amish community phone now that your cake shop is gone, I had to go there to call you, but no one answered at your folks’ place.”
“You could’ve used the phone at Mackenzie’s store.”
“Ya, then I’d be a spectacle to the Englischers. Besides, if I’d gone there, Katie wouldn’t have told me that her family was coming through Apple Ridge so I could hitch a ride.”
Guilt nibbled at Mat
tie’s heart, and she couldn’t manage to smile at him. While he’d been doing something very sweet by coming here, her thoughts were a tangled mess over Gideon. “That’s quite a ride just to visit me.”
“Ya. All I can say is I must be crazier about you than I realized. Hunting was no fun with you gone, and my nerves are raw from being closed up in a vehicle with her.”
Her gut twisted with shame. He was being as straightforward and honest as ever, and she wanted to be like that for him too. She tugged on his hand. “Sol.”
He stopped, and the sincerity in his eyes weighed heavily on her. She needed to at least brace him. “Gideon Beiler is inside.”
His expression didn’t change, but his gaze pierced her. “Inside the house? What’s he doing here?”
“Working. He’s the builder, and he’s trying to finish it before their wedding.”
He nodded and motioned toward the door. She reluctantly opened it, and they went inside.
Beth, Jonah, Lizzy, and Omar were in the kitchen, polishing off the cake crumbs on their plates. She introduced Sol around, and he shook each person’s hand. When Gideon walked in, Sol stole a look at her. Her tongue was too thick to speak.
“We keep running into each other, Gideon.” Sol shook his hand.
Gideon’s jaw clenched. “Sol.”
Confusion circled inside Mattie. “When did you two meet?”
“At the hospital the night you were injured.” Sol said it casually while taking her hand in his again.
Mattie glanced from Gideon to Sol, aggravated that neither of them had told her. But this wasn’t the time to talk about it.
“I hear you’re a hunter,” Jonah said. “Bagged anything of late?”
“Not really.” Sol glanced at Gideon. “The woods are busy these days. When too many hunters crowd the same spot, no one goes home with anything.”
Anger flashed in Gideon’s eyes, but whatever he was thinking, he held his tongue.
Sol’s veiled message hadn’t bypassed anyone, and the room vibrated with discomfort. Embarrassment flushed Mattie’s face. She wasn’t some soft-eyed doe caught in Sol’s cross hairs. She pulled her hand from his. “We need to go.”
“Sure.”
They said their good-byes and left the house. Mattie bit her tongue, determined not to say a word until they were in private. She strode across the lawn and the store’s parking lot, removed the tether from the hitching post, and climbed into the rig. Sol got in beside her.
She took the reins and tapped them on the horse’s back. “That was uncalled for.”
“What?” He looked totally innocent.
“Comparing me to a deer. I’m not prized game, Sol.”
“I don’t think he picked up on it.”
“Of course he did, and so did everyone else.”
He shrugged. “I don’t care.”
“I do.” When the horse flinched, she knew she needed to tone down her voice. “And why didn’t you tell me Gideon came to the hospital?” She pulled out of the parking lot, taking a different route toward her home so they’d have time to settle this.
“You were under enough stress at the time without me adding something unimportant to you.”
“Make up your mind. You didn’t share it either because it’d be stressful for me or because you didn’t think it mattered.”
He stared out the frosty side window for several minutes. “Do you know what this is?”
“What?” she snapped.
“Our first argument.” He propped his arm on the door of the carriage.
Until now she’d not thought about the fact that she and Sol never quarreled. She and Gideon had on numerous occasions. At various times they played, worked, and fought hard.
With passion and gusto—that’s what Gideon used to call it. And then he’d smile, causing her heart to melt as he confessed that he wouldn’t want it any other way … until Ashley came along.
Sol tapped his fingers on the fake wood on the dashboard. “Who is Gideon seeing these days?”
She shrugged. “I’m not sure.”
“But you’d like to know.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“True. But you didn’t say, ‘I don’t care,’ either.”
She slowed the rig, pulling into a Mennonite church parking lot, and came to a halt. “I want to say it.”
His features were lined with hurt. He scraped frost off the window with his fingernail. “You told me you let Gideon go because you refused to marry a man who had feelings for someone else. You wanted all or nothing. Remember us talking about that?”
“Ya.”
“Here’s the problem, Mattie. I feel the same way. I’m not interested in making a big fuss if you have feelings for someone else.”
“But I … I like who we are.” Tears filled her eyes.
Sol cradled her face. “I do too. But your answer tells me I may have spent too much time thinking you’re in love with me.”
She pulled away, wiping her cheeks. “Are you breaking up with me?”
“No.” He leaned back on the seat. “I hope that never happens.” He brushed the back of his fingers down her face. “But I’d like you to sort out your feelings.”
She tried not to gape at him. “Gideon’s a cheater and a liar. You and I are good for each other.”
“I think he regrets breaking up with you.” Sol rubbed her tears off his fingers. The disappointment in his eyes cut her. “He beat me to the hospital when you were hurt, and he looked pretty shook up that night.”
Her heart raced at the thought of losing Sol. “What are you saying?”
His amber eyes tugged at her heart. “I’ll be in Ohio on Christmas Eve. I hope you’ll be there for the singing. If not, we’ll both know I’m not the one for you.”
“I’ll be there several days before then. I promise.”
With keys in hand, Gideon went up the stairs of Beth and Jonah’s place.
Beth followed him, carrying a couple of bolts of fabric. “Sorry about coming by the Snyder place and interrupting your work. More than needing you to unlock the place, I don’t want to walk across the floors until you verify they’re dry enough for Mattie to get in here and work.”
After finishing the floors, he’d purposely kept all the keys, trying to ensure that no one walked on the floors until they were dry. He slid the key into the deadbolt and turned it. When he opened the door, a strong smell of lacquer greeted him. Four days ago, two days after the cake tasting Sol had interrupted, he’d thoroughly cleaned the unfinished floors and then shellacked them. He’d locked up the house, leaving two windows slightly open, one in the wash house and one in the master bedroom. But that wasn’t enough to disperse the smell.
At the time he did the floors, he hadn’t known Mattie needed Beth’s supersized oven to bake Lizzy’s wedding cake.
He knelt before entering and pressed on the floor in different spots. “It’s not the least bit tacky.” He stood and motioned for her to go in ahead of him.
“Good.” She stepped inside. “Sorry about the miscommunication. It never dawned on me that you were ready to do the floors this soon.”
“It’s not a problem for me, just for Mattie.”
“She’s been doing what she can from her home—making the fondants and preparing some of the smaller decorations. But her Mamm insists on helping, and Mattie doesn’t want her to be on her feet much more. It’d be better if she can work here from now on.”
Wondering if Sol was still in Apple Ridge, maybe even staying with Mattie’s parents, Gideon put a key into Beth’s hands. “You ladies can both come in and out as needed.”
“Denki.” She slid the key into her coat pocket and pulled out a sheet of paper. “This is a list of what I need to have done before the gathering.”
While he read over it, Beth went down the hall and into the master bedroom.
“I think most of these things could wait a few days,” he called out.
He really didn’t want to spend time in t
he same house as Mattie, trying to protect the lie he’d told.
Maybe Jonah was right. Had he not protected Mattie at all? Still, telling her now was unacceptable. She and Sol were together, and he’d never do anything to change that.
But Jonah’s words lay heavy across his shoulders, like a two-ton support beam that needed to be anchored in place, not toted around by a mortal man.
At the time of his lie, he’d considered it acceptable, even honorable—like Rahab, who betrayed her own city through a lie and brought favorable treatment to her whole family. Gideon had chosen to betray himself in order to open the door to good things for Mattie.
A lie would’ve been unacceptable if he’d wanted to get away with something for selfish purposes. But he hadn’t profited from the lie. On the contrary, he’d paid dearly for it.
Beth walked back into the room, carrying the bolts of fabric. “What did you say?”
“I said I think I could wait on this list until after Lizzy’s wedding.”
Her lips hinted at a slight pout. “But Jonah’s family is arriving at the end of the week, and I want everything comfortable for them. They’ll be tired after coming all this way. I’d like to at least have all the shelves up in the closets and pantry, blinds or curtains on the windows, and gas night-lights installed so they don’t hurt themselves if they get up in the dark.” She held a piece of fabric near a window for a moment. “The pegs need to be made and inserted into the wainscot before Jonah’s family arrives. And—”
“I read the list, Beth.” Gideon lifted his tool belt off the countertop. “Go run your store. Or make curtains. Or something.”
“Good idea.” She took a few steps and stopped. “You will be nice to Mattie, won’t you?”
Gideon chafed at the question. “Not a problem.”
Beth pulled the door closed behind her.
Christmas in Apple Ridge Page 23
