by Jule McBride
“I didn’t.”
Of course he hadn’t. At least, not intentionally. She knew better. Whirling away from him, she took long strides toward the walk-in closet now. Once inside, she pulled the door shut, slamming it, then she stared at the outfit she’d chosen for today—a navy A-line tent-type dress. Her heart beat wildly as she dragged on a slip, then realized it was inside out. A dry sob escaped her as she took it off, then put it on again. Last night, Shane had made love to her in ways she’d never even imagined. Next to it, Sam Ramsey didn’t even come close. And she’d married Sam. You married Shane, too.
But it wasn’t a real marriage. And she had to forget last night happened. Focus on this morning, she commanded herself, conjuring an image of Brandon—his smooth skin, strands of black hair and angelic eyes. She hadn’t even offered Ethel a soda. No coffee was made. And the A-line dress was… “It’s not right!” she burst out. “It’s just not right!”
“What’s not right, Lillian?”
She hadn’t even heard him open the door. Ignoring him, she raked at the hangars. “This stupid dress. It’s the wrong dress. I hate this dress. It’s too—too—” As she ran her hand madly over the rack, searching for another dress, she realized Shane had made her different last night, reigniting her emotional spark, changing her back to what she used to be—quick to love, quick to tears. Too bad her more emotional side was something she’d wanted to forget.
Warm broad hands settled on her shoulders, and Shane slowly turned her to face him. “The dress is perfect, Lillian.” Those devastating, unwavering, silver-blue eyes fixed on hers. “And so are you.”
Her eyes suddenly stung, feeling gritty. If he only knew. What was she supposed to do now that they’d made love? Tell him her name wasn’t really Lillian? That she regularly carted around three million bucks she’d taken from the Mob? That seven years ago, she was pretty sure, she’d witnessed a murder—but hey, it was a dark night, and the details, which still remained mysteriously buried in her mind, were a little blurry?
No. The only thing she could do was back away from Shane. And right now, she needed to train her mind on Ethel and the baby. She’d spent so many nights getting to know Shane and preparing for this. She swallowed hard. “After Ethel leaves, we really need to talk about last night…”
No doubt he knew what that meant: she was going to back away from their physical relationship, but he merely focused that penetrating gaze on her, and she had the sudden premonition she was caught. No matter what she said or did, Shane wasn’t about to let her go. He eased her blue tent dress from the hanger. His voice couldn’t have been milder as he handed it to her. “C’mon, Lillian. Ethel’s waiting.”
Her eyes drifted over him and she realized he was already dressed—in his best jeans and a nice shirt. He looked good. He was trying. He really did care about her getting the baby. She should have given him that much credit. Her eyes suddenly filled with tears that hovered in the rims. She really didn’t want to hurt him. “Everything’s just going wrong. I was going to serve…”
He was peering at her kindly through a lock of fallen raven hair. “Serve?”
“Muffins,” she managed. “And cinnamon buns.”
“Just finish getting ready and I’ll take care of it.”
“You will?”
“Sure.”
A tear suddenly fell. “I’m sorry, Shane.”
His voice was gentle. “Please. Come on over here, Lillian.” With that, he pulled her into his arms, and in spite of her overwhelming fear, her arms wound up wrapping tightly around his waist. Pressing her cheek to his clean shirt, she exhaled a shuddering sigh. Slowly, she’d gotten close to Shane, and with each new gesture of intimacy, she thought she could take another step.
Until last night.
“Oh, Shane,” she whispered miserably, able to say only part of what she felt. “I’m not going to get Brandon, I just know it.”
Leaning back, he cupped her chin and lifted her face. “C’mon,” he coaxed, leaning and offering a quick, soothing kiss. “It’s not over yet.”
But where would they be when it was over? she wondered, still tasting his lips. Was it possible that she, Shane and Brandon would be a family? And if she didn’t get Brandon, would she still have Shane?
Or was she too afraid to love again?
PANTS DIDN’T HELP, Shane decided.
Ethel still snickered every time she looked at him. Lillian, of course, was completely poised now, and being the perfect hostess. Shane just hoped her worry about the baby had caused the outburst in the bedroom, and that she wasn’t considering backing away from their physical relationship. Had Sam Ramsey hurt her in some way? The mere thought made Shane want to go at the man with his fists. Not that he could, since Sam Ramsey was dead.
Shane glanced at Lillian. She was remarkably cool under fire. Right now, the only proof of her nervousness was the slight dampness of the fingers she’d threaded through his as she told Ethel about their love affair, describing how she and Shane had been involved years ago, and how they’d met again and enjoyed a wonderful whirlwind courtship. She was brilliantly threading through all the facts of Shane’s life—somehow managing to mention Ruthie Miles, Chrissy Winters, and the fact that he’d been number seventy-two on the football team at Lundston.
Shane still hadn’t decided how to handle the situation. It would kill him to make a further bad impression—he couldn’t stand to think about intentionally undercutting Lillian’s chances of getting Brandon—but helping a fugitive, even Lillian, adopt a baby didn’t sit well with him. Besides, if she was arrested, the baby would be taken from her. Not if, Shane. When. The woman’s carrying a falsified Social Security card.
He eyed Ethel, who was sipping iced tea from a monogrammed glass he and Lillian had received as a wedding gift. “Well,” he found himself halfheartedly venturing, “you know Lillian grew up in a…redbrick split-level—uh no, it was a…”
“Little white house with a picket fence, wasn’t it, Lillian?” Ethel said.
Lillian shot him a look that nearly broke his heart. She knew he had an excellent memory. Her eyes pleaded with him, saying, Why are you doing this to me? You’re supposed to help me, Shane! You said you cared about the baby! It ripped out his damn heart. If he pretended to forget her supposed past again, the disappointed expression in her eyes would kill him.
“So you both miss the South?” Ethel asked conversationally.
It took everything he had, but he gave it another try. “Lillian more so than me. She loves the food. There was a dish her daddy used to make….” Feeling crushed under the weight of his own self-loathing, he squinted as if trying to recall. “I think her daddy made some kind of a pot pie…”
“Gumbo,” Lillian stressed. She stared at him again, her eyes bugging. He could all but hear her voice. Please, Shane! What are you doing? Are you trying to hurt me? The whole point of your moving in was to help me get this baby. We studied so many facts about each other—how could you forget?
“Ah,” Ethel’s cup clinked again her saucer. “That amazing gumbo. You gave me the recipe, remember, Lillian?”
Of course she did. It was the reason Shane had been instructed to bring it up. Lillian’s grip on his hand tightened. Her voice held a faint protest. “Shane knows I love that gumbo. He even made it once, himself.”
Ethel merely smiled. “So, you’re looking forward to the baby, Shane?”
Shane knew exactly what lies he was supposed to tell Ethel now—the ones about teaching Brandon how to woodwork and fish. And how, when Brandon was older, they’d take long summer road trips to Texas and to Aunt Dixie Lynn’s on Bayou Teche. Except, Shane thought, his heart suddenly squeezing in a way that made him feel strangely unsettled, maybe those things weren’t lies anymore. “Well, Ethel…adopting’s really Lillian’s idea.” Even though he trained his gaze away from Lillian’s, the raw betrayal he knew was in her eyes pierced him like a knife.
Oblivious, Ethel smiled pleasantly. “Yes, Lillian
wanted a baby before you two even met again.”
Lillian’s voice quavered. “But Shane wants the baby, too. He really does. When we’re alone, it’s all he ever talks about. He’s always coming home from work with things he’s bought for the baby on his lunch hour….”
Her fingers were clasped so tightly through his now that his hand actually hurt. Staring down at her white knuckles, he knew he couldn’t take much more of this.
“Shane, c’mon,” said Lillian. “Tell Ethel how much you want the baby. Remember how, just the other day, you were saying you wanted to teach him woodworking? Remember, you want to take him on some road trips?”
Even though his few fumbling responses had been calculated to ruin their chances, there was no denying the pain of loss he felt over possibly not getting the baby. And what was he going to say to Lillian when this interview was over? How could he explain the errors he’d made? How could he deal with her devastation? And what about your own disappointment, Shane? Can’t you admit this woman’s making you want a family?
Shane bit back a sigh. There was only one solution. If he wasn’t able to help Lillian, and if she was arrested, then he’d simply have to take responsibility for the baby. Hell, he didn’t know anything about babies, but maybe he could hire someone to help. Shane would…well, he would act like a father. Just a surrogate until Lillian and the baby were no longer separated. It was the only right thing to do. His responsibility, really. If the adoption went through, the boy would be his—legally.
The words seemed to come from outside himself, and Shane’s drawl sounded unusually thick to his own ears. “Maybe I’m not making myself clear, Ethel. I want the baby a lot. I’ve…really been looking forward to fatherhood.”
But his words had come too late. Ethel merely listened politely, smiled and thanked him and Lillian for their time as she rose to go. His lips parted in angry protest, which he almost voiced when he saw Lillian’s wounded disbelief.
“But Shane and I are so in love,” Lillian protested as they walked Ethel down the hallway. “We want a child to share that with. We’ve had our hearts set on it.”
Ethel merely smiled. “I can see that.”
“Well, then?” Lillian pressed when they reached the front door, her strained voice indicating she knew it was a lost cause.
Ethel turned at the threshold, uttering a soft laugh and clapping a hand to her forehead. “Oh, I’m sorry. I thought the answer would be so obvious to you.” She blushed. Reaching, she took Lillian and Shane’s hands. “I admit I was suspicious of you two at first. I mean, you’d be amazed what lengths people will go to in order to adopt. We’ve even had people pretend to be married. Or actually get married, even though they’re not really in love.”
“No kidding?” Lillian murmured, looking distressed.
“Oh, yes. So, when you called for another appointment, I thought that maybe—” Ethel’s guilty color deepened. “Well, that you two were pulling some such stunt. But—”
Lillian’s voice was urgent. “But?”
“But—” Ethel colored and loosed another giggle. “Given the fact that your husband appeared at the door stark naked this morning, it’s pretty obvious you’re the genuine article. That cinched it for me. I know you’re nervous, Shane,” she continued sweetly. “But since we work for the same agency, I’m already acquainted with your background. I didn’t talk to your brother—he’d be biased—but I know you two have a great relationship. And Jake Lucas was more than helpful while I was researching your work record.”
“You talked to Jake Lucas?” Lillian said.
Ethel nodded. “As you’re probably aware, he’s the head executive at Big Apple Babies. Both Jake and I love the idea of placing the baby with people we know, where we’ll get to see him grow up. Jefferson Lawrence sent me a formal letter of recommendation, too. And…” Ethel wagged a finger at Shane. “You may act like a tough guy, but I’ve noticed how frequently you go to the nursery and look in on the baby.”
Lillian turned to him, surprised delight in her gaze. “You go to the nursery and check on the baby, Shane?”
Ethel chuckled again. “He goes at least five times a day.”
Shane assured himself that was an exaggeration as Lillian’s silken fingers curled around his biceps. It was hard to believe that hands so slender and soft could feel like iron.
“So we’re approved?” she asked in wonder.
Ethel edged over the threshold. “Absolutely. And if you’ll be home, I’ll have the baby here tonight.”
Shane’s eyes widened. Tonight? It was so quick. He hadn’t expected that. “But what about all the red tape? The final paperwork…”
Ethel shook her head. “No, Lillian’s taken care of everything. All she needed was a husband. And she’s apparently found one who loves her very much.”
“But…” Realizing his lips were still parted in mute protest, Shane managed to close them as Lillian shut the door. She’d barely turned to him before she threw back her head and laughed, lunging into his embrace with such an uncharacteristic lack of reserve that he could only catch her in his arms, feeling stunned.
“Oh, thank you, Shane—” She sprinkled his face with quick kisses. “I know you were so nervous for me that you couldn’t remember everything. I can’t believe you said pot pie, instead of gumbo. But I forgive you. I can’t believe this worked. I’ve never been so excited! Can you believe this is happening?”
“Not really,” he managed. Not that he was sorry about how things had turned out. The sudden lightness of Lillian’s bearing and the warmth of her smile meant too much to him. He knew she hadn’t experienced much joy these past few years. Her parents were gone; she had no siblings. Coworkers admired her, but she wasn’t close to them, and while parents of the kids she baby-sat often extended invitations, she always declined. As far as he knew, she didn’t have so much as one real friend, except for Jefferson Lawrence. In fact, Shane might be one of the few people on earth who even knew her real name. Or cared. That Lillian wasn’t better loved was a personal affront to him, too. She deserved so much.
As his gaze drifted over her, Shane decided that giving love was more important than taking it. All his life, he’d had his little brother to worry over, and now Shane guessed the love he’d showered on Doc had helped him more than Doc. But Lillian had no one to love. Which was why she wanted the baby so much.
Her gaze had turned solemn. Lifting a finger, she traced his lips tenderly. “Shane,” she said. “I’m sorry I exploded earlier. But I do want to talk. With the baby coming, things are different, and maybe it’s not the best time for us to get involved.”
“We’re already involved.” He very much doubted the baby was the real reason she was backing away. He shook his head. “C’mon—” His low drawl carried faint chiding. “Do you really think I’ll let you get away that easily?” Surely last night taught her more about him than that. Or had she used him to get the baby? Made love to him so he would be caught with his pants down this morning? Sudden anger flooded him as he remembered how she’d arched to take his intimate kiss, and the sheer relief he’d felt at being all the way inside her. “What?” he said with a calm he hardly felt. “Did you make love to me so we’d look more convincing to Ethel this morning? Is that why you slept with me?”
Lillian gaped at him, her dark eyes instantly sparking with temper. “How could you think that, Shane?” she demanded hotly. “How could you even suggest such a thing?” Before he could respond to the string of questions, she was blinking back tears.
“Oh, God, I’m sorry, Lillian—” Swiftly, he slid his hands over her back, bringing her a step closer, so she molded against him. Her body still vibrated with anger, but the arms that circled his waist held him with a quick rush of forgiveness he hardly felt he deserved. “I don’t know what got into me. I’ve got a suspicious nature.” And the fact that I don’t know everything about you hardly helps.
“It’s not as if you haven’t warned me, Shane.”
H
olding her, he guessed he had. Every night, he’d had told her about his brooding side, about his inclination to buck authority, his dark moods, and occasional displays of temper. He had a lifelong habit of walking the razor’s edge, just as he was walking it with her. “I guess I figured you deserved to know what you’re getting yourself into.” His voice lowered a husky notch.
“And you’ve got to admit, we’ve gotten into something good, Lillian. Last night was amazing.”
“Last night was so good, Shane,” she murmured against his chest. “Too good.”
He pressed a kiss to her hair. “There’s no such thing as too good.”
“Yes, there is,” she countered, sounding certain. “And I’m afraid.” She lifted her gaze and shook her head solemnly. “Shane, I’ve made some…well, some mistakes in my life. And with Brandon coming tonight…”
“I still want to be with you,” he said softly. He had no answer for the questions in her eyes. He didn’t know how he really felt about the baby, only how he felt about her.
Her voice was heartbreakingly sincere. “Then can we slow down, Shane? Just see how things go with the baby here? Maybe not make love again right away?”
He lowered his head, bringing his lips almost to hers. “Sounds good to me.” As his eyes drifted over her face, he knew he’d stop the world from turning for this woman. “And congratulations on getting Brandon, Lillian.”
“Thank you,” she whispered, happiness shining in her eyes.
“You’re welcome,” he whispered back.
And then, right before his lips closed, warm and firm, over hers, he thought, I’ll protect both you and your son however I can. And as he pressed his mouth to the loveliest lips he’d ever seen, Shane tried to forget the people he hadn’t protected in the past. And he hoped things would be different now. Because he’d fallen seriously in love with this woman. And by tonight, she would have a child.
