by Abbi Glines
CHAPTER ELEVEN
SLATE READING TO Crawford had once again made his brain activity pick up. When Knox called to tell Slate, he agreed to come read to him while he was still in town with his uncle. No one had an explanation for why Slate’s reading did more than anyone else’s. But Juliet was thrilled. It had given her some hope.
Tonight when she’d left me with Crawford, she had a smile. A small one, but still a smile. I hadn’t seen one of those from her in a long time.
I was tempted to read him the SEC magazine myself and see what happened. But I didn’t. Tonight I needed to talk to him. Tell him what I was thinking. Before I told my parents and started to prepare to go to college next month, I had to tell Crawford.
I set down my bag and walked over and touched his hand. It was cold in his room, so his hand was always cold. I wanted to warm it up. I hated to think he might be cold.
“Everyone says you would want me to go to college. Your mom, Knox, my parents. They all think it’s what’s best. When you wake up, they say you’ll be happy I lived, that I went on like we planned. As much as it scares me and as much as I want to be here with you, I think it’s time I made my own decisions. I lost myself somewhere along the way. Maybe you noticed and just didn’t know how to tell me. Maybe you didn’t. I don’t know anymore.” I paused and let out a sigh. Telling him all this was difficult. Even if he didn’t hear me or remember any of it.
“I’m going to tell my parents tonight. I’ll go next month. I’ll take the classes I planned and come home on the weekends to visit you. I can read you whatever novel they have me reading in class. I can tell you all about it. Or you can wake up and come, too. That would be what I really want.”
I wasn’t supposed to pressure him. Juliet was afraid it would upset him. But he needed to know I’d want him with me more than anything else. “Until you’re ready to join me, I’ll figure things out. Find the best coffee shops, pizza places, and study spots. When you get there, I can update you on all of it.
“I’m not leaving you. Don’t think that. I will come back every chance I get. I’ll tell you about everything. When you open your eyes, you’ll know I did this for you. Not me. Because I just want to stay here.”
I think. Was that what I wanted? Really? Because I was lonely here. Lost. Out of place. More things I couldn’t tell him. In the past when I told him I could never make his mother happy, he disagreed and said she loved me. He saw things differently than I did.
“Tomorrow I’m not going to sit in the waiting room all day. I’m going to shop for school. Spend some time with my mom. The twins, too. I’ll be here at four, though. I just need to slowly move away from being here all the time. So I’ll be prepared when it’s time for me to leave. You understand that, right?”
He wouldn’t answer. I didn’t expect him to. But I asked him anyway.
* * *
WHEN I WALKED into the house at eight thirty I could smell the meat loaf that mom had cooked for dinner. She wrapped it in bacon, and that distinct smell hung around for hours. There was also the sweet smell of apples in the air. I was ready to eat for a change. Ready to do something for me.
“You’re home just in time,” Mom said, peeking her head out the kitchen door. “I just pulled the apple tarts out of the oven. They’re nice and warm. You can eat dessert first. Just don’t tell Knox.”
“He’s obviously not here, or he’d be standing at that stove waiting for you to pull them out of the oven.”
Mom chuckled. “You’re right about that. He’s gone to meet up with some friends in town. Or something like that.”
Immediately I wondered if Slate was one of them. Was he meeting his frat brothers? What were they doing? None of it was my business, and I didn’t know why I cared.
“I’m going to college next month,” I said, watching Mom freeze, then put down the plate she’d been holding. She stood there a moment, then squealed before throwing her arms around me. I hugged her back.
“Oh, baby, I’m so glad. Lord knows I’ve wanted to hear those words for weeks. You won’t regret this.” She kept hugging me and I could hear the emotion clogging her throat. I’d worried her. I felt guilty about it. I hated that I hadn’t thought about her needs. Was that what Juliet meant by me being selfish?
“I needed time. To decide what was best for me.” I didn’t add what was best for Crawford. Because I had to stop that. I was doing all I could for him. This wasn’t about making him happy. A relationship was about us both being happy.
“I know,” Mom said, sniffling, then laughing at herself as she released me to wipe at her tears. “These are happy tears. Can’t seem to help it. This is such a relief. Go ahead and eat all the tarts. Forget about dinner if you want.”
This time I laughed. “I actually want the meat loaf, Mom.”
“Then help yourself!” she said, clapping her hands and laughing some more with tear-filled eyes. “Just live again, Vale.”
Living had seemed wrong. Since the moment of the accident, it had seemed like I was doing something terrible if I lived. Crawford wasn’t getting to live, so why should I? That wasn’t the way to look at this, though. It had been selfish to think that way. Crawford loved me. My self-punishment wouldn’t please him. He’d hate it.
“Let me fix you a plate. I even made the mashed potatoes just the way you like them. No skins and creamy.”
I sat down and let Mom fuss over me. It made her feel good and it was time she got to feel good again. She’d been suffering in her own way and that was my fault. I wasn’t doing that to her anymore.
“Juliet’s gonna be happy to hear this. She was just telling me the other day how she wants you to go. How Crawford would want you to go.”
I nodded. I already knew this. I just had to finally accept it.
CHAPTER TWELVE
TRUE TO HIS word, Slate came up to the hospital to read to Crawford several times a week. After my shopping day with Mom, I changed my schedule up some. I had breakfast at home, then went to the hospital to check on things. I left and spent time with Malyn and Maddy, or went home to pack things and visit with my mom. Then I would drive back at four when it was my time with Crawford.
It wasn’t easy at first, but the new routine made me feel less guilty about neglecting those who loved me, and I felt like I’d gotten more accomplished every night when I lay down to sleep. Something Crawford would be happy about. Knowing that I was happy, too. This was what I needed, even if I hadn’t thought so to begin with.
It was the second week into the new schedule when I arrived just as Slate was leaving. I wouldn’t get to actually go in the room with Crawford. I’d arrive early to talk to Juliet or the nurses. It helped to stop by and get an update.
“Hey,” I said to Slate as I stepped off the elevator he had been waiting to get on. I felt like I should have a coffee for him.
“Hey yourself. He’s doing good today. Doctor says he’s seeing more activity out of him daily. Heard you were planning on coming our way next month. Glad to hear it.”
I nodded. “Yeah. I’ve been getting things ready to move in to my dorm.”
He smiled. “Dorm life. Gotta love it.” He paused, then nodded to the elevator that had now shut without him in it. “Want to go get a coffee with me?”
A couple weeks ago I would have said no. But now I had to think about it. A cup of coffee with a guy who was helping out my boyfriend didn’t sound like a bad idea. I owed it to him.
“Sure. I could use a cup.”
He grinned and, honestly, that smile was something else. I felt guilty for even thinking it, so I turned my attention to the elevator and pressed the down button again.
“I’ve got to be back here in two hours for a game of poker with my uncle. But the coffee shop where I’ve been getting the good stuff is about a mile from here.”
“That’s fine with me. I have time. I don’t get in to see Crawford until four.”
Slate was quiet a moment while we took the elevator down to the first floo
r. When we stepped off, he glanced at me. “So, you haven’t been here as much. Not that it’s my business. I was just curious as to the change.”
I was sure Knox had told him something, if not explained it all. Or maybe he hadn’t asked. I pulled my purse up higher on my shoulder, which was a nervous habit, and kept walking in step beside him.
“I was being selfish. My family missed me and was worried about me. Crawford doesn’t know when I’m there, except hopefully when I read to him and talk to him every afternoon. I want to believe he can hear me then. But the rest of the time my family needs to see me live. It’s hard. I feel like I shouldn’t be living while he’s in there, but I can’t keep doing that to them. It’s wrong.”
Slate let out a sigh. “Yeah, well, I never put the word selfish and you in the same category. But it’s nice of you to think of them.”
I shrugged. “It’s been hard on them. All of this. Me withdrawing. They worry about me. I had to start thinking about what Crawford would want when he wakes up. And if he sees I put life on hold for him, he’ll be upset. He will feel like it’s his fault. Again, I was selfish. I had to adjust my guilt and realize I needed to try to live normally.”
The fact I was telling Slate all this was surprising. We hardly knew each other, but here I was opening up to him like he was a close friend. Why? I had no idea.
“I’ll agree that if Crawford loves you as much as you obviously love him, he’d want you to live life. It’s what you would want for him if the roles were reversed.”
I didn’t hesitate. “Absolutely.”
“My car is on the third level,” he said as we stepped outside.
“Mine is right over there. Aren’t you coming back?” I asked, glancing over at him for the first time during our little conversation.
He nodded.
“Then just ride with me.”
A small smile touched his lips. “You know, Vale, I think you may be my first female friend. It’s kind of nice.”
I’d had many male friends. They were also Crawford’s friends and that made them mine as well. I could see why Slate didn’t have female friends. They all wanted more from him.
“First time for everything. Besides, I’ll need a friend once I get to school.”
He chuckled. “Yeah, well, convincing anyone that you’re just my friend will be comical. No one will believe it.”
I unlocked my car door before we approached, then smiled over at him. “It may help your reputation.”
“Or destroy it,” he added.
I could tell by the look on his face he was teasing, although I knew there was a side to Slate I doubted many saw. The guy who read to kids at the hospital, or read to someone who was comatose who he’d never met. That guy was very different from the one I saw making out with a nurse in the hallway. He had many different parts to him … I wondered why he chose not to showcase the good stuff as much as he did the rest.
“Are you going to scare the shit out of me, or are you a good driver?” he asked as we climbed into my car.
“I’m an excellent driver,” I assured him. Because I was. Especially after the wreck. I’d become an even more cautious driver.
He sank down into my leather passenger seat and leaned back. “All right. I’m going to trust you.”
Smiling, I turned on the car and pulled out of the parking space. This was nice. Having someone to talk to again who wasn’t a family member hovering and worrying over me.
“What happens when he wakes up?” Slate asked me.
That was an odd question. And I wasn’t sure. Did I come home? Would he want me to? I frowned and focused on the road, but I didn’t respond.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
MY PARENTS’ CAR was packed full of all my dorm decorations and needs. My Honda Civic was full of clothing and shoes. Parking for my building wasn’t too far of a walk from the main entrance to the dorm. Dad had pulled up to unload and Knox was helping him. Knox had packed his truck with the few things he would need when he moved into his frat house this year. Only juniors and seniors got to live in the frat houses.
I thought about Slate then. Wondered if he’d be living in the frat house, too. If I’d see him any. After coffee that day, he’d gotten my phone number and said we’d text and have coffee. But he still hadn’t texted or called.
“Your room’s on the third floor. Turn left when you get off the elevator—it’s the last room on the right. Door’s open and your roommate is already in there.” Knox paused and grinned. “I might have to stop by and visit my little sister often.”
Great—my brother liked my roommate. That should be fun.
Dad laughed and took another box out of the car and headed for the entrance. Mom came up beside me as I stood there and looked up at the tall seven-story building that would be my home this year. It was intimidating, and I wasn’t sure I was ready for this.
“I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but you’re about to have some of the best days of your life.”
I knew my mother meant it. She even believed it. But how was that possible without Crawford? I couldn’t respond to that. I knew she wanted me to agree or even say I hoped so.
“He should be here” was what I said instead. “Unloading his own stuff and then coming to my room to help me unpack before going out together to explore.” That was how this should have been.
“But he’s not,” she said. “Life tosses you things you’re not expecting. This won’t be the only big hurdle in your life. What you have to learn is that you’re strong enough to live anyway. Despite missing him, you can find happiness again.”
I reached down and picked up the suitcase I’d brought from my car. “I’m going to do my best,” I told her.
“I know you will.”
Being only an hour away from home helped. Knowing I could run home when I needed my room and a place to hide gave me a sense of peace about all this. Until Crawford opened his eyes and this became the life we had planned. Not the one I was trying to build alone.
The inside of the building was exactly as I imagined it. Sofas with coffee tables and candles lit in the middle of them made small gatherings all over the main lobby. There was an unlit fireplace as the centerpiece against the far wall. We headed for the elevators that already had a line forming and I felt more comfortable seeing other girls who were also new with their parents. Suitcases and boxes were everywhere. Girls who were returning were easy to spot, because as they were reunited with friends they hugged.
It took three elevator loads before it was our turn to get on.
“Like this every year. I said I wouldn’t come until Sunday this time, but I cracked and came today like everyone else. So ready to get away from my hometown. You know?” a redhead with attractive freckles on her nose and short curly hair said as she smiled at me.
I didn’t know about wanting to leave home. Leaving had been hard, but I didn’t say that. I just returned her smile and nodded. “I wasn’t prepared for how busy it is. Guess I should have thought about it.”
The girl nodded and sighed. “As the day progresses it gets more insane. Be glad you’re early.” She stuck her travel mug under her left arm, then held out her right hand. “Mae,” she said. “I’m a sophomore this year. I’m guessing you’re a freshman.”
I shook her hand. “Yeah. I’m Vale. Nice to meet you.”
Her large expressive eyes seemed to twinkle. “Oh, I love that name. I have a thing for unique names. I even have a journal full of them. I’m adding Vale to it.” She laughed. “I swear I’m not a stalker weirdo. I was just born with a name like Mae Rose, and that’s so boring it’s sad. I refuse to saddle my kids with the same. I’ve been saving names I like since I was seven.”
As odd as that sounded, I liked this girl. She was very real. And chatty. I wouldn’t have to talk much with her. She’d do all the talking.
“Makes complete sense,” I told her, then remembered my mother was standing beside me. “This is my mom,” I told her.
Ag
ain she stuck her coffee under her arm since she was holding hang-up clothes and shook my mother’s hand. “Nice to meet you. Vale is going to love it here.”
“I believe so, too,” Mom agreed.
The elevator opened at the third floor and Knox and Dad were there waiting.
“Took y’all long enough,” Knox said.
“Oh, stop grumbling. You’ve been flirting. You’re just fine,” Dad said, rolling his eyes.
“Is that your brother?” Mae asked, her eyes going wide.
“Yeah, and some days I’m glad.”
She smiled and made a nervous giggle. Knox winked at her. Jesus. What kind of year was I in for?
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
I WAS ROOMING with Barbie. I’m not exaggerating here. Not even a little. Everly Adali Lane was five feet nine inches tall with blond hair that fell down her back, and blue eyes that were as dark as the ocean, unlike my light blue. Her lips looked super full, almost as if she’d had a little augmentation to them, and she had a tiny waist.
She was also a princess. I grew up with brothers. I didn’t always put on makeup and I liked my Converse just fine. From the way this girl was dressed to move in to our dorm today, you would think she was headed out on a hot date. This was going to be interesting.
“Oh, it’s just white,” she said as my mother finished making up my twin-size bed with the comforter I had picked out for it. The comforter set was in fact white and had a simple ruffle on the ends. I liked it.
“What, my comforter?” I asked, looking toward the bed she was staring at.
“Yes…” she said slowly, as if she still couldn’t comprehend the fact that it was white. Why was this so shocking?
“Do you have some colorful pillows, at least?” she asked.
“Uh, no.” I was still watching her. Almost afraid she was going to have a head explosion or something.
She reached into a large basket by her bed and pulled out a furry cotton-candy-pink pillow and tossed it onto my bed. “There. Use that.”
My mother glanced at me with her eyebrows darted up like she, too, had no idea what to think about this girl.
