I squeezed my eyes closed and said a prayer, asking God to help me somehow supernaturally forgive them.
Just after I did this, a whole sequence of thoughts occurred to me.
They happened one-by-one, but the whole experience ended up feeling like a ton of bricks. One after another, I had flashes of things I had done and thought in the past, flashes of my own sins, if you will. Regretful things, embarrassing things, things I cringed while remembering. These things came to my memory one after another—like a slideshow of my most terrible side.
Within those flashes and moments of conviction, I experienced a true awakening. I felt my anger and intolerance toward those who had wronged me slip away. I understood that I needed grace and forgiveness just as much as they did. Sure, it might be for other, less obvious reasons, but I needed it—I needed it something terrible. The memory collection of my failures made that crystal clear.
I blinked at the ceiling, realizing that tears had been streaming down the sides of my face, and now there were pools of tears on each side of my head.
"Oh my gosh," I whispered, wiping my face as I realized what had just happened.
I had said a lot of prayers in my life, and if I'm being honest, most of them were when I was in a pinch, or needed God's help. I had never, in all my prayers got an immediate answer, but this time I did. I asked God to help me forgive others, and He did so by letting me flash back to my own sins—a collection of shortcomings. At first, it was just the memories, but before long, I realized that these thoughts were causing me to feel differently toward others—to forgive them.
It was humbling and amazing, and I was in awe that my prayer had been answered on the spot like that, and that it was answered by the most unlikely means. I even flashed back to a few times when I had no idea I was doing something wrong, and my actions or words still hurt someone else.
I glanced at the clock by my bedside to find that I had been lost in thought for the past hour. I sat up and found that the spots of tears that stained my blue comforter were about the size of baseballs. I took a deep breath, literally feeling like a weight had been lifted from my chest—and all because I realized that I was just as guilty as all of my offenders. It was beautiful and liberating, and I giggled at the absurdity of it all as I wiped my cheeks.
I was still smiling from the whole experience when Collin got to my apartment a little while later.
"Have you been crying?" he asked as he came inside.
"A little, but it was good."
I took his coat from him and hung it in the nearby coat closet as he took off his shoes. I came to stand in front of him, smiling even though my eyes still stung a little bit.
"You sure you're okay?" he asked, thinking my puffy eyes might have something to do with me being sick.
"You were right," I said, popping up to place a thankful kiss on his cheek. "I think what you said about drinking rat poison got me thinking. I asked God for help with forgiveness, and I got it. It was crazy. I never had a prayer instantly answered before. Anyway, I feel better, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry you had to come way over here. I should have stuck around at the restaurant." I reached up and put my hand on his face, running my fingertips through the hair above his ear.
He gave me a slow blink along with a lazy smile, telling me he enjoyed my touch. "So you just all of a sudden feel better?" he asked.
"I think I might," I said skeptically. "I really don't understand it myself, but I definitely have a new attitude toward giving other people grace—even my dad." I smiled, feeling relieved that I was no longer mad at him.
"I told Elaina you were jealous," he said with a sly but still sleepy grin. "She got a kick out of that."
"No you did not," I said with the type of shocked expression that made him smile. "What'd you say?"
"She text me asking about applying for a job, and I told her she almost got me in trouble."
I shrugged. "I knew I could take her; I just didn't want to start a fight in your restaurant," I teased.
He smiled at me. "You think you could take her, huh?"
I nodded and put up my dukes in the most confident boxer pose I knew. I had practiced my dukes-up pose in the mirror lots of times in the past, and I could tell Collin appreciated it because his smile broadened. He took a deep breath, in through his nose, letting his chest rise as his back bowed, and then let it out again, going back to a relaxed stance.
"I should have really booked a weekend at home. I don't know what I was thinking."
He was so spent, he could hardly keep his eyes open, but he was still wearing a groggy half-smile.
I reached out and touched him on the shoulder. "Can I get you a glass of orange juice and a neck rub?"
He peered out of one eye. "Am I dead?" he asked.
"No, why?" I asked, giggling.
"Because, those two things would be heaven right now.
Chapter 12
I had no idea how multi-faceted forgiveness could be. Before I had that experience, I thought forgiveness was just a word that described my feelings toward the event that happened and the person or persons who caused said event.
But somewhere in the midst of those memories, my perspective shifted. I understood how much more there was to forgiveness. It was after I realized how needy of grace I was that I was able to truly have grace in my heart to forgive others. It was amazing to me that a revelation of my own flaws was what freed me from assuming the worst of others. I had no idea how it happened, but it did. Just like that, my burden was gone.
Collin was still at my house. He had been there for a little over an hour that night. I no longer saw him through the filter of doubt, so it was like I was meeting him for the first time. I couldn't stop smiling. We were sitting on the couch together, but facing the television, which was turned off. His arm was wrapped around me, and I had my head on his shoulder.
"I should get home," he said. I could tell by his voice that he was reluctant to leave but knew he had to.
"I know." I sat up, stretching before I turned to look at him with a lazy smile.
Collin stayed in the same position, staring at me patiently. "Come to London," he said. "Ireland, actually. I have a little down time when I'm there, and I'm going to Dublin for a few days. Why don't you meet me there?"
"Dublin?"
"Yeah. I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner." He paused and rubbed his eyebrows. "I think I totally forgot I was even doing that. That's how busy I've been."
"Send me your itinerary sometime when you're thinking about it," I said. "I'll see what your dates are, and if it'd even be possible to make something like that happen. And in the meantime, please let me know if there's anything I can do to help at any of your restaurants."
He grinned at me. "You better be careful, or I'll put you to work."
"I will work," I said. "I mean, I'd love to help out if you need anything. I'm right here."
"Right where?" he asked, pulling me into his arms. I got off balance, and fell into his lap with a squeal, looking up at him in this new and improved, closer proximity.
"Right where?" he asked again. This time, our faces were only a few inches apart, and I stared right into his eyes, which were a multi-faceted grey-green in the dim light of my living room.
"Right here," I said breathlessly.
"Unless you come wi me to Dublin," he said. Only, he said the words in a perfect Irish accent that had my eyes bulging.
"Can you say other stuff like that?" I asked, thinking an accent sounded incredibly attractive on him.
"Aye, otherwise how would I get along in Ireland?" he asked.
His accent was perfect. I giggled at how good it was.
"Are you Irish?" I asked.
"I'm jus the bloody class clown who's got to be the center of attention all the time."
His accent was so perfect that I assumed he must have spent an extended amount of time there.
"You're so great a that." I said sincerely as I stared at him with adoration.
"I love it," I said. "Can you do others?"
He nodded confidently.
"What can you do?"
"Anything. Australian, Italian, Spanish."
"Do another one," I said.
He shook his head. "Nope."
"Why not?"
"Because then you'd see the comedy in it."
"What is it you think I'm seeing now?" I asked, scanning his face. It was only inches from mine.
"You tell me," he said in that same perfect Irish accent.
"What was the question?" I asked after a few seconds of thinking about that accent and getting lost staring at his mouth.
"I was telling you why I'm not gonna bust out my Nacho Libre imitation," he said, in his normal voice. "The Irish one's enough for now. I like how it makes you look at me. Plus, I want to leave you with that one so it can entice you to meet me in Dublin."
"And you can't show me all your cool tricks on the first night," I said.
He smirked at me in that confident way all cool guys knew how to do. "That's nothing," he said. "I could show you all my accents tonight, and I'd still just go on impressing you for years. I've got way more than just accents."
I knew enough about his personality to know that he was kidding around, but there was something to a man having confidence, even if it was in a tongue-in-cheek way.
"I can't wait for that," I said.
"For what?"
"To be impressed," I said. "I love being impressed."
Just then, we heard the sounds of Lu at the door. She fiddled with it for a second, before it opened, and she looked at us with an apologetic expression. "I'm so sorry," she said. "I tried to text."
"I was on my way out anyway," Collin said. He patted my thigh before getting to his feet, and I stood up as well since I was halfway on his lap and planning on walking him out, anyway.
"No, no, I didn't mean to make you leave," Lu said with her hands up as she tiptoed reluctantly into the room. She pointed to the hallway. "I'm headed for the shower."
"I was standing up to walk out, anyway," Collin said. "Sarah showed me some of your art. I think it would be a good fit for one of my restaurants. Are you willing to take commissions if I give you the subject matter and dimensions for a few pieces?"
"Definitely," Lu said with no hesitation whatsoever. "That'd be amazing."
"It'll be another month or so before I can talk to you about it or make any plans, but I just wanted to see if it was something you'd be interested in."
Lu beamed at him. "For sure. Definitely. I'm ready when you are."
Collin glanced at me with a smile that said he needed to go.
"I'm gonna walk him to the elevator," I said, talking to Lu, but not taking my eyes off of Collin.
"Okay," she said, absentmindedly as she walked away, trying to seem like she wasn't paying the slightest bit of attention to us. "Bye Collin," she called from over her shoulder.
"Bye Lu."
Collin texted his driver to tell him he was on his way downstairs. He slipped his coat and shoes on by the door. I helped him into his coat, which was big and heavy, and he shrugged into it, thanking me for the help.
"I'm glad you let me come over," he said as we started out into the hallway. "I was sad to leave without seeing you."
I smiled because all the things that crossed my mind as a response seemed too serious or committal. I thought about saying, "I love you," or "I was sad about you leaving, too," but I just couldn’t get those words out of my mouth. I settled for a smile even though I wanted to do something crazy like proclaim my love. Then I realized it was my turn to speak and I hadn't responded to Collin's last statement, which was simple but still heartfelt.
"What?" I asked feeling speechless.
"Goodnight, Sarah," he said sweetly as he smiled and reached out to touch the down arrow on the elevator.
"Goodnight," I said. "I miss you already."
He gave me a slow smile, as he reached out to lightly touch my hand. "I'm right here," he said, barely hanging onto me. The elevator dinged and opened at that very moment, leaving us with no other choice but to smile at each other.
"Not for long," I whispered.
He reached out and put his hand in front of the door to hold it open.
"Come to Dublin."
I smiled. "Maybe," I said. "Either way, I'll see you soon." I reached out and put my hand on one of his cheeks before stretching up to kiss the other. I used the force of my hand to press his cheek into me, giving me the leverage for a nice, firm kiss.
"I'm glad you came over, too," I said. "Thank you for making time for it on a day like today."
He leaned down and placed a quick farewell kiss right on my lips. "Thanks for the neck rub," he said with a smile and nod as he reluctantly broke away from me to get into the elevator.
"Bye Collin," I said.
"Bye Sarah."
He pressed the button to go to the first floor, and stood back, smiling at me as the doors closed. He picked up his hand to wave at me, and the sight of it was so glorious that I turned my shoulders and hips to the side and jumped sideways through the ever-narrowing crack in the elevator doors.
I literally barely made it through.
One second, the doors were closing, and the next I was jumping through them in a daring feat of acrobatics. I had to hoist myself so fervently into the elevator in order to avoid the closing doors that I landed right in Collin's arms. He caught me, laughing at the fact that I made him step backward with the impact.
"I'll ride down with you," I said, stating the obvious since the elevator was already moving by the time we gained our balance.
"I knew you were gonna do that," he said, his chest shaking with laughter as he held me tight.
"You did?" I asked. "How? I didn't even know I was gonna do it."
"I could see that faraway look in your eye right before you jumped," he said, still chuckling at me.
I pulled back to stare at him, and he shifted so that he could peer down at me. I thought he would say something, but he didn't, he just leaned down and kissed me. I opened my mouth this time, and he let his tongue touched my bottom lip before he drew it into his mouth. It was so warm and comfortable that I wished I could stay there forever. I barely had time to think before the elevator dinged and came to a stop. I hated it for moving so quickly.
"Come to Dublin, my love," he whispered in the Irish accent.
"I smiled and popped up to kiss his cheek as he reluctantly switched places with me so he could get out of the elevator.
"You're not playing fair," I said. "That accent's making me have to go."
"That's the whole idea," he said with a smile and wink as he stepped out of the elevator. I watched him as far as I could see without sticking my head out of the elevator.
"Hold the door," I heard a girl's voice say before it closed completely. I reached out and stopped it so that she could get on.
The first thing she did was stare at the numbers, and it wasn't until she looked at me with a confused expression that I noticed I hadn't pressed the button for my floor. The door closed as she pressed 8, and then I reached out to press 12, for myself.
"That was the dude from Best Chef," she said.
She spoke loudly and had a slightly aggressive tone to her voice that had me disinterested in continuing a conversation with her. I just smiled a little when she glanced at me, assuming her statement didn't necessarily require a response.
I caught myself wanting to write her off and not engage simply because of her tone, and then it hit me that I undoubtedly used the wrong tone sometimes by accident or out of nerves. I felt the urge to give her the benefit of the doubt instead of assuming the worst.
"Collin," I said. "He is on Best Chef."
"He your boyfriend or something?" she asked, leaning back to stare at me.
I shrugged. "I think. I wish. Probably," I said.
Her expression,
the one that had been a complete scowl, softened a little as she looked at me. "You're pretty," she said, surprising me.
"Thank you," I said. "You are too."
She smiled shyly and looked down. "Well, I think you can get him if you ask me," she said as the elevator door opened to her floor and she stepped off.
"Thank you!" I called as she walked away.
The door closed and I rode up to my floor with a huge grin on my face, feeling thankful for the way that encounter had played out and amazed that the concept of forgiveness could be applied to everyday situations like that.
Chapter 13
"Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry I interrupted you," was the first thing Lu said when I came back into my apartment.
"You didn't," I said. "He really did have to go."
She had poured herself a bowl of cereal, and she carried it into the living room so she could come talk to me.
"He's soooo cute," she moaned around a mouth full of food.
"He's so sweet," I said. "I feel like he's my brother or something—instant comfort, you know? Have you ever had that?"
She made a face like she was trying to remember before switching her expression to a silly one. "Noooo," she said. "Of course not, or I wouldn't be so painfully single."
"Single's not so painful," I said.
"It's having that attitude that gets you un-single," she said.
"Probably. I definitely wasn't looking for Collin."
"It's the same with jobs," she said. "They're easier to find when you don't need one."
"How was work?" I asked.
"Same. Good. We had music tonight."
"Did you make some good tips?"
"Okay," she said, chewing and smiling. "Drake came by. He's still seeing that Beckett girl."
"Was she with him?" I asked.
Lu nodded. "She had a few of her friends with her. They knew the guy who was singing. Drake took some pictures of him." Lu scrolled through her phone and flashed the screen at me. "He got this one of me working the espresso machine," she said.
"That's a great picture," I said, meaning it. It was beautiful. "I love your profile."
JFK to Dublin (Shower & Shelter Artist Collective Book 1) Page 8
