At first she didn’t understand. “What do you mean? You’ve been free of him ever since your divorce. It’s been awhile.”
“Well, yes, but get this. I’m done analyzing the past and worrying about what went wrong and how he treated me. His problems were his problems. I don’t care anymore! Really. I don’t, and that’s the sincere truth.”
“Karoline, that is such good news. I’ve been waiting for you to get to this point. I knew you would, it just took some time. Is it because of Zac?”
“Not really. I was sitting here thinking, Suz, and staring at the sky when it hit me. I don’t need to stress over Jeremy or Zac or anyone. I won’t go looking. The one for me will appear when the time is right, like the sun rising over the mountains. I can be patient and not worry about the past or the future. From now on, I’m going to live in the present and enjoy the moment.”
“Good idea, Karoline. That’s a healthy attitude.”
“I’ve got to run because I have a job interview at Southtowne Mall. Bye!”
“Bye, sweetie. I love you, and good luck with your interview.”
Driving south on I-15 I felt better than I had in months, in years. It bubbled up, this Wasatch Mountain High, as I looked out toward the stunning, ragged, snow-capped peaks silhouetting the east side of the valley. Not sure where my new and improved attitude came from, or why, but I would go with it and be glad. I felt happiness and hope emanating from my fingertips. I pulled down the visor to see if my face reflected this new attitude. Surely it must.
“Hi, gorgeous,” I said out loud to the mirror and laughed at how strange my voice sounded alone in the car. I kept talking.
“Karoline London, you are a lovely person inside and out, so there. You deserve the best life has to offer. You are not a desperate, sex-starved woman, despite what Zac said. That was him being a jerk and justifying his own behavior.”
Zac was the one who had wanted it. He had lusted after me and then pretended like it was the other way around. His ego, the sensitive male ego that couldn’t handle rejection by a woman, told him what he wanted to hear. Still, it had been nice to feel desirable again.
I felt stronger and more powerful as I filled the void with encouraging words.
“You will get a job that you enjoy, you will build a new career, you will be happy, and you will stop blaming Jeremy for everything that went wrong. No, scratch that. You have already stopped blaming Jeremy. Smile, Karoline. Be grateful for what you have—and greet every new day with your Wasatch Mountain High.”
I talked to myself the entire way to Southtowne Mall. It felt wonderful. I parked and checked the clock; still forty minutes before my interview at JC Penney. I’d have time to stop at Macy’s and check on the status of my application.
At the Macy’s business office I asked to speak to Cathy.
“She’s in back, I’ll go get her,” said the girl at the desk.
What? Just like that? This was my lucky day. Something good was bound to happen.
Cathy followed the girl out, gave me an inquisitive glance and said, “How can I help you?”
“My name is Karoline London and I’m checking on the application I left here last week. Would you have time to give me an interview by any chance?”
Cathy’s eyes flickered over to the girl who ducked her head. Clearly there had been a misunderstanding about the supposed importance of whoever they thought I was.
Cathy checked her watch. I could see indecision on her face. “What’s your name again?”
“Karoline London. I’m applying for the sales position in children’s wear.” I tried not to groan and roll my eyes as I said it.
She hesitated before responding. “Okay, I have a minute. Come on back.”
I followed her to her office, and she motioned for me to sit while she went to her desk and pulled up my application on the computer.
Uh oh, I thought. With the trouble she’s going to for my impromptu interview, I’ll feel obligated to take the job. That’s okay, I decided. I need a job, and I better take the first real one that comes along. I can always keep looking if I don’t like it.
Cathy interviewed me briefly. She took a few notes and said she would let me know. I thanked her and headed to JC Penney for interview #2, still whirling from my Wasatch Mountain High.
This would be a fabulous day.
Chapter Fifteen
I left Southtowne Mall at two-thirty, after interviewing at both JC Penney and Macy’s. Not bad for a day in the life of the unemployed. Neither one had offered me a job but nothing could quell my happy mood.
I didn’t feel like returning to my apartment. Suz lived up the hill a ways from Southtowne. I considered stopping in to see her. But I’d already shared my news on the phone and what I really wanted was to go up to the mountains and hike.
On the drive down, with the Wasatch mountain range shining to the left of me, I’d decided to explore trails in the canyon tomorrow. Now I thought maybe I’d drive up and walk around a little, to gear up for a day hiking, something I hadn’t done in a long time. Wearing my dress slacks and high heels, I couldn’t do much, but still I turned my car east toward Little Cottonwood Canyon as I exited the parking lot.
As I headed up the twisting road of the canyon, I opened my windows to smell spring. I didn’t mind the cold air wafting into the heated car. Nothing is fresher than mountain air, and the thin atmosphere at the high altitude had a cleansing feel to it. Breathing it in would clarify my system and clear my thoughts.
I pulled in at one of the Alta parking lots. Ski season was winding down although the slopes were white. The spring melt could cause deception. Underneath the layer of snow that appeared stable and ideal for skiing, it might be slippery and dangerous as the snow melted close to the warming earth.
I got out of the car to stretch my legs and take in the purifying freshness. The scent of spring and new hope accompanied the cool, thin air as a subtle undercurrent. It cheered me. I would be fine, I knew it. I would find a job and return to the nine to five routine I thrived on, and tomorrow I’d come here and hike while I could still do so on a weekday, avoiding the weekend crowds who swarmed the roads and trails.
A couple of ski bums drove up next to me in a Datsun and parked. They got out and checked the bindings on the skis on top of the car. Glancing over, they checked me out, too—their eyes flicking up and down my body.
I thought of Zac, wondering if I had handled it right. He was cute for sure, and I’d been attracted to him. Going to bed with him would have been easy, careless, thrilling. I didn’t do it on a first date, I reminded myself. I never did have Suzie’s strict morals, but at least I had stuck to that particular standard.
In hindsight, it was good I’d said no, although I was flattered by how he came on to me. It had been long time since a man called me beautiful and sexy.
The two ski dudes nodded at me.
“Hey,” one said. “How’s it going?”
“Fine, thanks,” I replied with a smile.
“Cool,” he said, and turned back to the ski racks on his car.
When they were satisfied that their equipment was in order, they climbed back in the Datsun and drove off down the mountain.
I wouldn’t mind seeing Zac again. If he wanted to call, he could get my number from Rob. I hoped he would. I wanted to try this again. Maybe I’d call him to prove I had no hard feelings. As long as he didn’t assume I was sending out more signals.
I’d ask Suz for his number.
I was ready to head home. There should be a Netflix in my mailbox. Dinner and a movie sounded good.
Fortunately I stayed ahead of the rush hour traffic on I-15 and made good time. At last things were going my way. I had expected to be offered one of those jobs, since today I walked in magic land. Working retail wasn’t my first choice, unless it was books. Too bad Books and More had closed. I would have gone back and begged for a job, even if it were stocking shelves.
I found a parking spot across the street from
my apartment and plodded upstairs. Ugh, this weight gain was killing me. Who would’ve thought a mere twelve, now down to five, pounds would make such a difference. I couldn’t wait to get back to the mountains tomorrow for a real work-out. From now on, things were going to be a lot different around here. I was back!
I am back.
Karoline London is back. Just saying it put energy into my steps as I bounded up the remaining stairs.
I unbuttoned the top button of my dress pants—my go out and find a job slacks—before I reached the top floor, eager to get into my pajamas and relax in front of the TV. My new Netflix delivery was in hand along with random bills.
I had taken care of financial matters when we were married. It wasn’t entirely Jeremy poaching off me, as Suzie had suggested. We simply divided our money in a certain way, allocating my paychecks for the necessities and Jeremy’s for the frivolities.
“He wasn’t all bad, Suz,” I said out loud as I unlocked the door. Just a little bad. I smiled to myself, remembering Jeremy and what we had together, once upon a time. For a fleeting second I wondered if I had some kind of sick attraction to the bad boy in society. If Zac were only a website designer without the passion for snowboarding, I wasn’t sure I’d have found him as attractive.
Wait, what was this? The door was already unlocked. Had I forgotten to lock up today?
I slowly pushed it open, half expecting to get hit over the head by a crazed intruder.
I heard someone inside. Footsteps. A door clicked shut. Or was that a gun? I carefully took a step backward toward the hall. I reached for the door handle. I would pull it shut then run like hell toward the street, where I’d call 911 on my cell phone.
Why had I unbuttoned my slacks in advance of reaching my apartment? One does not want to face a burglar or rapist with one’s pants undone. Nor would it be helpful to have them dropping to my ankles as I ran like a deer away from this place. I juggled my bag, thinking maybe I could quickly do up my pants but already the zipper was sliding down. Damn!
Thinking about my zipper and my cell phone was bad karma, because just then it rang—Regina Spector singing All of My Mind. Suzie’s ring tone. Regina would keep on singing until I pushed a button to stop her.
Fumble around for the phone or pull the door shut? Or maybe I should start running?
“Karoline? Is that you?”
Jeremy’s voice. Jeremy was the intruder?
He came out of the bedroom carrying two shirts on hangers—the blue silk Perry Ellis with thin beige stripes and the oversized, crinkly white linen that made him look like one of those guys on the cover of a sexy romance novel. Okay, I admit I had held on to them in the back of the closet, next to my favorite blouses, letting the smells mingle. Silly, I know, but it made me feel less alone seeing them there. And I did like those two shirts. Sometimes I wore them around the house. I might have slept in them once or twice, especially the white linen.
“Jeremy? What are you doing here?” I tried to sound authoritative and demanding, quite properly annoyed, but I’m afraid a tiny winsome tone crept into my voice.
He wore faded torn jeans, a form-fitting black turtleneck, and his brown leather jacket, unzipped. He looked too damn good.
I should have put more thought into making sure I sounded demanding, shocked, insulted and infuriated, instead of letting my voice break like it did at the end, because Jeremy seemed to catch it.
He stopped and stared at me, right into my eyes. He must have seen something there, and wouldn’t you know it, he dropped the shirts right there on the floor and came to me.
He never once took his eyes off mine as he moved toward me like a hungry tiger. There’s no denying that Jeremy is one hot guy, and this particular day was no different. He smelled as good as he looked. Soap, aftershave, whatever, he smelled clean, and manly and sexy. He was fanatical about keeping his long brown hair washed and combed. It came down past his shoulders in a smooth wave, adding to the erotic guy on the romance novel look, especially when I noticed it shining with gold highlights as the overhead light caught it just right. Visualizing him as the male model posing for a book cover, and smiling at the cheesiness of it, I watched him approach, my heart pounding and a hot flush creeping up my face.
Oh, God, how I wanted him. I couldn’t believe it. The craving for him hit me like a hurricane. I shook my head to clear out the picture of imaginary, erotic novel guy. This was Jeremy, ex-husband, who I had been intently despising for the past six months, and longer.
I stood before him, trying not to quiver as he reached out and touched my arm. After all that big talk this morning about how I was over him, over everyone, and how the newly independent Karoline London would carry on firm as the mountains around her. My resolve evaporated when he said my name.
“Karoline.”
His voice, his gorgeous deep voice that was like butter and chocolate and everything I had craved since he left. That was it, a soft touch on my arm, and then he dug his hands into the pockets of his jeans.
“Hi, Jeremy,” I said softly. I leaned against the kitchen counter, trying to support myself and keep from falling at his feet. “You shouldn’t be here. You really shouldn’t be here.”
“Probably not. But these shirts. . . .” He gestured toward the dropped items on the floor.
Silence. Both of us gazing at the shirts as though any minute they would get up and start crawling away, or perhaps add to the conversation. “What are you two staring at anyway?” they would say. “Don’t blame us for this mess.”
I glanced up at him.
He broke the silence. “You look fantastic, by the way. You, you’ve, you’re . . . I don’t know.” He made a curvy motion with his hands. “Luscious. Curviliscious. You look good and . . . and . . . sexy.” He stepped in and pulled me toward him. “I have missed you, Karoline.”
Our bodies melted together, like they had been waiting for this moment, like they were mad at us for parting them those many months ago. They didn’t care if we were divorced, trying to get over the past, hating each other. Our bodies didn’t give a rat’s ass about that. They were magnets coming together with a powerful force.
I swallowed hard. The scent of him was literally sending me over the edge. I glanced at the bedroom door.
“I want you, Karoline,” Jeremy breathed. “Oh my God, what am I doing? I shouldn’t be pushing myself onto you. We’re divorced, goddammit.”
I shook my head and managed to say, “You aren’t pushing yourself, Jeremy. You’re responding and me, too. I am, too. I don’t like it, but there it is.”
He kissed me long and hard and I kissed him back. I couldn’t bear for it to end. I felt consumed, swallowed up by this man who had recently been the object of my intense dislike. Hating Jeremy London had been my obsession since the night he walked out the door on our anniversary.
Our kiss felt good and real and exactly what I needed.
He said, “Karoline, I was a jerk, an asshole. I can’t believe how bad I treated you.”
He caressed my neck with his lips, stroked up and down my arms. Everywhere his hands touched, my skin felt hot and responsive, tingling. It was horrible and wonderful. I should have gone on that hike today. I should have stayed longer up in the canyon. I should have started a conversation with ski bum dudes in the Datsun. Anything to kill enough time to keep me from coming home with Jeremy here picking up those shirts. Why was there no traffic? There was always traffic going north on I-15. I couldn’t believe I had hit no traffic. It was like the freeway had become a clear open pathway leading me to him.
“I know, Jeremy, I know. I was mad at you. I am still mad at you. I shouldn’t want you like this. You should go.”
He stopped. “Do you want me to go?”
“No. Don’t go. Don’t go. Please, please.”
My whole being cried out for him.
His hands groped for my clothing. He pulled the jacket back, lifted up my sweater. I moaned and sank into him. When he saw that the top button of my
pants was undone, and my pants halfway unzipped, he gave me an amused but questioning glance.
“Never mind about that,” I said.
He shook his head and laughed, a beautiful sound. I had missed hearing his laugh.
We couldn’t get out of our clothes fast enough.
We never did make it to the bedroom. Oh God, thank you, thank you, I thought in ecstasy and agony, and I know that phrase is already taken as the title of a book but too bad, I’m stealing it. Because the agony and the ecstasy too perfectly portrays what happened between Jeremy and me that afternoon and in fact capsulizes the essence of our relationship.
What am I going to tell Suzie?
Chapter Sixteen
The episode with Jeremy was one of those things that just happens, leaving everyone to figure it out afterwards.
At one point during the night, I asked him, “Does this mean we’re back together? Because I’m not sure I want that.”
Those soft brown eyes plumbed the depths of my soul. “I get that. Karoline, I hurt you, many times, and—”
He paused and I held my breath. I did not want a confession from him. I couldn’t have stood him dumping his guilt on me, especially when I had tried so hard to let go of the past. Not very successfully, mind you, but I had tried.
If he asked for my forgiveness at that point, I wasn’t sure what I’d say. Probably no, and don’t come around again.
He didn’t. Nor did he confess anything which, in some twisted way, made me like him more. We didn’t talk much. We weren’t ready for the conversation, the debate I had repeated in my head countless times.
What went wrong? Was it me? Was it him? How could we have fixed it? Could anyone have fixed the mess that had become our marriage?
Several times that night a word or phrase slipped out, which might have led to the conversation. When he got close, I would kiss him and stop the words. When it was me, he did the same. Neither of us wanted dialogue.
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