by Annie Brewer
As the words sink in, I’m amazed by how normal my mother makes it sound. Why do I feel so guilty? I guess, I just can’t come clean with Brady yet, or Lucas for that matter. I’m sure he’s over me anyway now that he has my sister on his hip. I clench my stomach as a nauseous feeling settles over me. I lay back, groaning.
“Look honey, it won’t last. Eventually he will see what he had with you had been real and will probably want you back. Maybe you and Brady will not work out. I guess only time will tell. I’m here though. I will support whatever you decide to do.”
I lean up far enough to see her face and smile. “Thank you mom. That’s means a lot to me.” I hug her tight and close my eyes. Having her support is so important and she really made me feel like I could count on her no matter what. She pulls out of our embrace, looking at me for a moment. “Look, I know what Sarah is doing to you is messed up, but let’s try not to let it show for now. Okay? You don’t want her to think she’s won. Until you sort out your feelings for Lucas, let’s not think anything is wrong. She will get tired of him and let him go. You just do your thing for now.” I nod and smile, laying my head on her shoulder. She gives me a pat on the leg and gets up to leave my room. She turns when she reaches the door. “You’re a good kid Abby. I know you will go far in life.” And she leaves, closing the door behind her.
Before dinner mom got a call from Sarah saying she was at Haley’s house and might stay the night. It gives me a break from her torture. I guess if she had to be around Lucas, I was glad it was at someone else’s house. I couldn’t stand seeing the two of them together. They don’t fit well. Not that my feelings didn’t have anything to do with that statement. I walk to the sink to wash my dishes and help my mom clear the table from our delicious steak, mashed potatoes, stuffing and corn bread dinner. Before I forget, “Hey there’s a party on Friday night at Eric’s house. Brooke and Brady wanted me to go. Can I?” She smiles, putting the dishes in the dishwasher and looks at me. “I guess that would be good for you to have some fun. Sure. As long as you are careful and not driving home. I’m not dumb enough to know what goes on at these parties. I expect a designated driver.” I am baffled by her interpretation of a good time. But I wasn’t going to question her motives. If she wants me to have fun, then fun it is.
I kiss her on the cheek and finish cleaning up. “Thanks mom. Believe me, I’m not driving. Brady will take me and Brooke. We won’t be home too late.” I walked out of the kitchen to my bedroom where I stayed the rest of the night studying.
Chapter 6
After what seems like forever studying and doing homework, I take a break and lay down on my bed. It feels soft and warm and inviting. Almost like it’s calling to me. My thoughts have tired me out and I’m emotionally and mentally drained. Thoughts of Sarah, my dad, Brady and Lucas, they all take over my brain and I can’t concentrate. I long for the days as a kid when I had no worries or boy drama. I could just be happy and carefree. I sigh heavily. Looking up at my ceiling, I hear a loud thump. I feel like I’ve gone crazy and shake my head thinking it’s my imagination. Maybe I am going crazy.
Thump
I hear it again and realize it’s coming from my window. I move the curtain and see Lucas standing there. He sees me and gives a slight wave; a little worried look crosses his face. I open it and chastise him for throwing rocks at my window. “What are you doing?” He comes forward and leans against the brick siding of my house. “Sorry, I didn’t know who was home. I didn’t want to disturb the rest of your family. And I didn’t want Sarah to see me, thinking I was here for her. Hey remember all those nights when you used to sneak out of this window and over to my house?” He lowly chuckles to himself, head down in a shy manner. “Don’t change the subject Lucas. What do you want?”
He looks up at me with sad eyes and my heart aches. I don’t want to turn him away this time. We used to do everything together. I miss his late night calls, or his texts to come over, or help him garden because he never knew what he was doing. Or our walks to the river by our house and skipping rocks or just being together-as friends. But most of all, I miss him.
“I’m sorry; I just wanted to talk to you. You ditched me at school today and I….I know I messed up. I hadn’t been a good friend lately. I’m sorry. I miss you though Abby. I miss our friendship. Sarah means nothing to me. I guess I felt that if I was with her, I would get to see you more. I didn’t think how it would make you feel. Actually I wasn’t thinking at all.”
I raise my hand to stop him from talking. “I’m sorry too. Luke, you are my best friend and we used to do everything together. I know I haven’t called you lately either. So in a way, it’s my fault too.” Pausing for just a moment, I add. “By the way, Sarah is not here. She’s at Haley’s house, possibly for the night. I figured you’d be over there.” I sit on the ledge of my window leaving a gap between us in case he wanted to sit down. But he stays in position. It is nice to talk to him again. I guess this was what I needed. Maybe we will never be together, but a friendship-I’ll take what I can get.
“So you wanna go down by the river? Like old times?” He smiles and I can’t help but look away. His smile sends shivers down my spine and goose bumps spread all over my body. Just being near him does things to me, Brady could only dream of. Brady. Shit, I internally yell at myself for having these thoughts of Lucas while I am still dating Brady.
I am sitting with my legs dangling over the edge of my window sill. Lucas finally sits next to me with his hands folded in his lap. He is wearing some worn out jeans and a blue t shirt that fits his form quite nicely. I keep wondering if he ever thinks about me, the way I’ve been obsessing over him. I am not about to ask him though, in case it isn’t what I want to hear. I was never good with rejection. Not that it matters, even if he did feel the same way. I am not going to just drop Brady and hook up with Lucas. He and I couldn’t be together. It was complicated, but he and I were never the right ones for each other. As much as it sucked, we both knew the truth.
“I can’t tonight. Gotta finish my homework and get some sleep. But we can definitely do that tomorrow maybe, if you’re free.” He perks up. It reminds me of a dog when asked if he is hungry or wants a treat, and his ears would go up, tongue hanging out and all. His hair, blowing from the slight April breeze, covers his face a little. I can’t help but blush and look away as he stares at me. I want to kiss him so bad, I can taste it. It’s driving me insane. He hops off the ledge and puts his hands in his pockets and leans against the brick again.
“Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then. And thanks for not running me off again Abby. You’re more important to me than you’ll ever know. I’m just glad to have my best friend back.” I hop off the ledge and walk into his arms, catching him off guard and almost send us to the ground but he rights us and I look into his eyes, shyly. “Me too.” I hug him tight and he wraps his arms around me, laying his head on mine. I hear a sigh escape his throat. I inhale his spicy scent, which makes me dizzy. It’s intoxicating. We pull apart and he grabs my hand, lost in his thoughts.
“Well, I’ll see you tomorrow. You get in there and finish studying. Have a good night Abby.” He drops my hand; a sad expression crosses his face as he walks away without looking back, which is a good thing because I probably would have run back to him. After he’s disappeared beyond sight, I turn to go back in through my window. I didn’t really need to study, considering I had mostly finished everything. It was a cop out I’ll admit. I wasn’t ready to be around him when I’m feeling this strongly. Not that tomorrow would be any different.
I sit on my bed and call Brooke.
“Hey, I was wondering how it was going over there.”
“Hey, it’s fine. I had a talk with my mom earlier. Sarah is at Haley’s and it seems she won’t be home tonight. But that’s not why I called. Lucas came over….”
Silence.
“Brooke?” I look at the phone, which shows the minutes going by. She didn’t hang up. “Sorry, did I just hear you corr
ectly?” I laugh and then let out a loud sigh.
“Yeah, he came over. First he threw a rock at my window; I thought I was hearing things. He said he didn’t want to disturb anyone or for Sarah to think he came over for her. We talked. It felt nice Brooke. Really nice. Like…”
“No, don’t say it. Don’t do that Abby. What are you going to do?” I wasn’t sure myself.
“I don’t know. I just want my friend back. I need him back, whether it’s just that or. Well, never mind. I know I got myself in quite a predicament. But I want to see how it goes. I don’t want it to be weird between us.” For a minute I wonder if he’s going to continue to see Sarah or if he’s going to break it off. He never said and I never asked.
“Abby? Are you there?” I hear Brooke call back to me.
“Yea, sorry. I got lost in my head for a minute.” I lie down on my pillow, clutching it to my chest. I kick my shoes off and curl under my decorative blanket.
“Well, I guess that’s good that y’all made up. I know he means a lot to you. I kind of miss him being around too.”
“Well, it might be difficult to be around him when Brady is there. They don’t get along. It really sucks because then, I have to choose who to leave out. I hate being the bad guy.”
“I know, you always have to exclude Lucas. Well, I’m glad things are somewhat working out…for now. Hey I’ve gotta go, my mom needs me. See you at school tomorrow?”
“Yep. Talk to ya later Brookie. Love you.”
“Love you too Abby. Night.” After hanging up, I put my phone on my bed and pass out.
“Abby.”
I am not sure how long I’d been sleeping but I am suddenly woken up by a shake of my arm. I open my eyes and can’t quite make out the culprit that has interrupted my dreamless sleep. I open one eye and think I am dreaming as I see Lucas standing over my bed and I blink a few times thinking he’d disappear but he is still there-in my bedroom. “What the-“ I sit up abruptly, giving myself a slight headache. I hold my head for a minute and wince. I look down and notice I am still wearing my clothes from that day. I look over at my clock which reads 1:30 am. Damn, I crashed hard. I look over at Lucas in confusion. “What are you doing here? And how did you get in my room?”
He motions to the window and looks back at me. He sits down on my bed across from me, our knees touching sending electrical shockwaves through my body. I freeze and almost forget to breathe. “I had to come back. I need to talk to you.” He stands up and starts pacing back and forth from one side of my bed to the other, running his hands through his hair. Then he stops midway and looks at me with determination all over his face. “Look, I came back to tell you. To say I….I” I can’t quite decipher the fact that he is struggling with words. He used to always be able to talk to me, about anything and now he is at a loss for words. It is a sight to see, but I was not aware that I had such an effect on him. It makes me smile on the inside.
“Listen; when I left I was an idiot. I should have told you then that I’m still, I’m….I love you Abby.” I swallow hard, processing his words. He said it. I couldn’t believe he just confirmed the very thing I was struggling with. If he only knew. “I just wasn’t sure if you were feeling the same way so I didn’t want to spring this on you and make things uncomfortable between us. But I figured I had to get it out regardless of your reaction. We’ve always been honest with each other. It’s better to know than always wonder ‘what if’. I..”
“Lucas.” I gesture him to sit down on my bed. I have to be honest too, I owe him that much. It’s been eating me alive. He sits down next to me, his legs dangling over the side of the bed. I look at him and speak. “You’re not the only one feeling this way. The night before you and Sarah got together.” I cringe at the memory and what I went through that day. I clench my hand for a minute releasing it slowly, remembering the almost shattered glass and broken hand. We are too close. I move back a little, putting some distance between us and I continue my confession. His eyes are weary but focused intently on mine. They sparkle like diamonds, so beautiful. Through his eyes, Lucas would show understanding, longing and love of all kinds. I suddenly want him on top of me, expressing his deepest feelings of love and I too would show him how I felt. I push that thought aside…for now.
“Sarah and I got into it. She had plans to try and entice you, to make you want her. She went through my closet to find an outfit that would show off her legs. I warned her to stay away from you. I don’t trust her. She always uses guys and throws them away like trash. I didn’t want you to get hurt. But when I approached you, hoping I could warn you before she got to you first, it was too late. I saw you two together and I lost it. I don’t know, I guess I never stopped loving you.”
He is stunned. He grabs my hand and caresses my palm, which probably felt as if it was on fire. My face flushes, feeling like an overheated oven. I pull my hand out of his grasp and start touching my bedspread like there is a visible piece of flint there, to keep myself from looking at him. “Look we can’t be together. We both know that. And I’m with Brady. I just can’t…”
He grabs my face in his hands, forcing me to look at him. Caught off guard, I gasp and hold my breath for what feels like an eternity before letting it out slowly. “Abby, I love you. I want us to be together. We can try it again. I know we can make it work. Don’t give up on us.” Once those words are out of his mouth, I find myself on top of him; searching his mouth with my own to keep him from talking. At first the urgency is unbearable. I can’t get enough of him. He flips me over so he’s on top, pressing in on me. My hands are running through his hair. His hands are gently caressing my back in a soft motion against my skin. It feels so sensual and electric. It feels so good. I’m enticed to act on my feelings and I become more forceful, aggressive. I slip my tongue in his mouth, searching for his and I match his swirls. He tastes so sweet, like honey, and our teeth clumsily clank together, but we think nothing of it, too caught up in the moment to care.
Don’t stop! I think to myself as my hands explore every inch of his body. Wanting more, needing more of him. It could be like this all the time and I would be happy. Being together would be my dream. If only it were that simple. His hands slip under my shirt, grazing every part of my bare skin, moving upward. I let out a loud moan, urging him on. His fingertips lightly run up under my bra…up…up caressing my breasts. My heart rate accelerates at a rapid pace. I pull off his shirt and explore his lean toned chest. Damn, he must work out. He’s got a nicer body than Brady and he plays football. I chide myself for ruining my moment. I mumble against his lips “Take me Lucas. All of me.” He stops kissing me and looks at me seriously.
His image slowly fades out, as I open my eyes. I’m drenched in sweat. Oh my God. I look around my room and suddenly realize…it was just a dream.
Chapter 7
I sit up, looking around my dark room, tears stinging my eyes. I get out of bed and head out into the kitchen for a drink of water. That was some wild dream I think to myself. I open the fridge for a snack when I hear footsteps coming toward me.
“Abby? You awake honey?” She takes one look at me over the door to the fridge and gasps. “Oh my goodness sweetie, are you okay? You look affright.” She has no idea. I debate on whether I should tell her about my very explicit and sensual dream of Lucas. But, the look on her face, tells me I don’t have a choice. I shut the door and sit down at our round wooden kitchen table. She pulls out a chair and sits down also, never taking her eyes off me. “Are you gonna start or do I have to pry?” I shake my head and swallow.
“ Lucas came over this afternoon.”
“Okay…” She drags out the word, pressing me on.
“He came over to talk to me. He apologized for his behavior and the fact that he didn’t think about my feelings and how their being together would affect me. He said he missed me and wanted his best friend back. We hugged and he asked me if I wanted to go down by the river like we used to do before things got so complicated between us. You know, an
d skip rocks. I wanted to but I knew I wasn’t ready for that yet. So I told him I had homework to do instead. So he left. I called Brooke and told her everything; she gave me advice then had to go. I lay my phone down and the next thing I know, I’m making out with Lucas in my bed almost going all the way….” She gives me a skeptical look, eyes wide. I think she’s thinking the wrong thing here.
“Mom, it was a dream. I woke up drenched in sweat. I had a sex dream, or it may as well have been. I told him I wanted him and to take all of me.”
“Wow, I..I mean. I’m not surprised yet I’m shocked at the same time. Does that make any sense?” She stands up looking out into nothing, hand over her forehead. I can’t tell if she’s mad or thrilled at the idea. Surely that’s not the case, though my mother and I were always open with each other about everything. I knew I could tell her my biggest secret and she wouldn’t tell anyone. Even now, sitting here waiting for her to say something I still feel good about telling her. I mean geez, the dream felt so real. I thought it was actually happening. Should have known it was only a dream. Maybe he doesn’t feel that way. A part of me is relieved that it was only a dream, yet another part, which I am inclined to say is more dominant, is disappointed at the prospect.
I close my eyes, remembering every detail of that dream as a tear escapes my right eye. My mother stops pacing and I hear her sigh, she comes over to wrap her strong arms around me and rests her head upon mine, massaging my arm with her thumb. We stay like that for a few minutes, quiet. It’s a comfortable silence and I breathe in her lilac perfume.
“Listen, I told you it wasn’t going to last between Lucas and Sarah. But I do have a question. When did he come in? I never saw him or heard the door.” I break our embrace and look at her, wiping my face. “He came to my window. We hung outside, or actually we sat on my window sill. He didn’t want to disturb anyone or risk running into Sarah and making her think he’s there to see her. So I guess they weren’t together since he didn’t realize she was out.”
