by Annie Brewer
“I can’t eat anymore.” I say, as I set my utensils down and push my tray away.
“What’s your step mom like?” Brooke asks excitedly.
“She’s cool. I had dinner with them but spent most of the time in my dad’s office.” Lucas gets up, “Are you finished?” I nod my head. He dumps our trays then sits back down. He places his hand on my leg.
“There’s this big reunion gathering with the family this weekend.”
“Oh we were going to ask what you and Lucas were doing this weekend. We thought maybe we could go out, the four of us.”
“Maybe next weekend, but yeah sounds fun.”
“Awe, how cute! You guys are going to double date. It’s like a dream come true.” Sarah says sarcastically. Then she sticks her finger in her mouth, in a gagging motion.
“Don’t you have other friends to pester?” I push her shoulder. She laughs and gets up. “As a matter of fact I do. See you guys later.” As she starts walking off, she turns around and proceeds with the gagging thing again. Just wait; your time will come Sarah.
“Sarah is nuts. Glad you two are on better terms though.” Brooke states. She rests her elbows on the table and leans into Brady. “You guys are so cute together.” I blurt out. They both look at me, then at each other and smile. “Thanks Abs. I’m glad it’s not too weird or awkward for you.” Brady finally speaks up.
“Nah, I have my own Prince.” I say as I take Lucas’s hand in mine and lay my head on his shoulder. He kisses my head and wraps his arms around my waist, holding me tightly. “I missed you last night.” He whispers in my ear, and then kisses my nose. I look at him, “I know. I’m sorry. I was just tired. I got home kind of late.”
“Can we hang out tonight?” He asks hopeful.
“Yes, that will be great.” He smiles and puts his head on my shoulder.
“Alright, I’ve got to get ready for practice. I’ll see you kids later.” Brady gets up and starts walking off. Brooke follows. “Hey wait I’m coming too. See ya later Abby.” I wave to her and watch the students migrate to the double doors. Lucas kisses me on the shoulder, tenderly.
“Are you okay?” I give a confused look and nod. “Yes, are you?”
“You just seem distracted today.” I remember the conversation with my father and suddenly it dawns on me that things between Lucas and I are far from resolved. But he doesn’t know it yet. I get up from the table and grab my bag.
“Just come over tonight and we’ll talk.”
“I’m so glad you spent time with your dad. It’s important that you get to know him.” My mom says as we flip through channels on the TV in the living room. I shut it off deciding it’s time to get some things off my chest.
“Tell me something mom, why haven’t you moved on? Dad clearly did. Why aren’t you dating anyone?” She thinks about it for a minute then takes a sip of her coffee and sets down her cup.
“Well, for starters I don’t want to but in reality I didn’t want to worry about being dependant on a man. After your dad left I decided to raise you girls on my own. I don’t want to pick up some one else’s sloppy seconds or their baggage when I have baggage of my own. It’s hard to date when you have children. Not only that but finding the time to go out with someone is hard too. There were a lot of reasons I chose to stay single.” I think about her response but for some reason I’m not satisfied.
“Did you ever think you guys would get back together?”
“Why are you so insistent Abby?”
“I just want to know. I don’t like the idea of you being alone. You need to be happy.” She pats my hand.
“Abby, I am happy. Just because I’m not married or dating anyone doesn’t mean I’m miserable. You girls make me happy every day. And if you decide to move to New York I will be happy then too. I’ll miss you of course, but I know I will see you again.” She gets up and grabs her coffee cup. I still have something weighing on my mind.
“Mom, do you still think about it?” She stops short and looks at me. She walks back to where I’m sitting and hugs my shoulders.
“All the time. But there was a reason it worked out the way it did.” She thinks about it for a minute and cocks her head to the side in wonder.
“You’re still thinking about Lucas aren’t you?” I sadly nod my head.
“What am I going to do? It still haunts me. It’s the barrier between him and me. It’s like I can’t let it go. What kind of future would that be?” She took me by the arms and held my hands.
“Abby, you gotta let it go. It wasn’t your choice to make. Imagine what kind of life would he have now if things had been different? Would you be with him then?” I ponder the thought and can’t really answer that.
“I don’t know. I know I love him enough to get past it. I think.”
“You need to tell him how you feel. Get it out and move on. It’s in the past. Don’t let it dictate your future.” She gets up and goes to the kitchen. There’s a knock at the door. I get up to get it but my mother has beaten me to it. She opens the door. “Hi Lucas.” He comes in and closes the door.
“Hey Abby. I brought Ashton’s truck; I was going to see if you wanted to go to the river.” I get off the couch and greet him with a hug.
“Yeah, that would be great. I have something on my mind and we need to talk anyway.” I look over at my mom and she grins. “You kids have fun.”
“My family wanted you over for dinner later.” I perk up and smile.
“Yes, I would love to. I haven’t seen your family in awhile.” I walk into the kitchen where my mom is getting more coffee and eating coffee crumb cake.
“Can I have dinner with his family tonight?” I ask as I take a bite of the cake.
“Sure, that sounds lovely. Give my best to your mother.”
“I will.” Lucas smiles and we walk out the door.
Chapter 24
We get into the truck and the tension is thick. I know what I have to say to him but I am unsure of the approach. I try to play out some scenarios in my head but really what do I say? Oh yeah, your past is haunting me and I can’t get away from it. I still love you but we can’t be together. If things were different, there would be no doubts or fears or anything to stand in our way. I mean seriously, how do I explain this to him? I love him more than anything. I love him so much it hurts. But is love supposed to hurt this much? It’s not like I’ve had a stable family to go by.
“You’re quiet today.” Lucas glances at me, eyes filled with concern.
“I’m just thinking.” I look away, watching out my window at the trees and houses that passes us by. My heart rate quickens, every inch we get closer to our stop. I’m not sure how it is going to go down but I know I need to get it out. It’s been eating me alive. I just want to be honest. That’s what love is about, right? He stops the car by the river and shuts off the engine. I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, quietly so he doesn’t suspect something is wrong.
He walks around and opens my door. I get out and saunter towards the back of the truck to sit on the bed. He stands next to the truck, looking out over the water. The river is our spot. It’s where we first kissed, many years ago. It’s where I discovered that Lucas wasn’t only my best friend, but my soul mate. We were kids but I loved him anyway. It’s the place I would go to when I needed to get away, clear my thoughts, cry, scream, dream. It was peaceful, almost deserted. Lucas had first sought it out once, when he was driving by the area with his family. We used to live next door to each other and we’d sneak out at night, take long walks together there and hang out. Once he showed it to me, I knew it was special. It became our place and only ours. There were so many amazing memories here. I leaned back in the bed of the truck, my head on my arm as a pillow. I look up at the sky, at the cloud formations. The way I used to do as a kid. I loved finding animal forms in the clouds.
“Something’s going on Abby. I wish you would talk to me.”
“What are you talking about?” I ask, knowing full well that
there is something going on. He caught me off guard and I just said the first thing that came to mind. “You’re the one that wanted to come here.” I state matter-of-factly. I look at a cloud formation that looks a dinosaur eating its tail. The clouds start to break apart, making my dinosaur disappear.
“I came here just to be with you, privately for a little bit. But then you said we had to talk. So I figure we can come here and talk. So what’s going on? And don’t say nothing’s wrong because the tension you’ve been giving off lately is quite noticeable.” I glance at him. He’s leaning against the truck, defensively. I take my cue and sit up, pulling my legs to my chest and my arms over my knees. He sits at the edge, hands in his lap.
“Remember when I said that we couldn’t be together? I said it was because of Brady, but then I realized the real reason we couldn’t be together. I mean, I could break up with him any time. It wasn’t about him. Something else was standing in the way of us.” I gesture with my hands, pointing between him and me to clarify. “It was never about him.” He looks totally taken aback. His face is unreadable.
“Okay, so tell me then what did you mean by that?” He asks, head cocked to one side.
“Well, it’s always been that thing. It was the one thing that stood in our way, like a barrier wall. It’s still there.” He looks confused.
“What are you talking about?” He’s getting impatient, irritable.
“You know the thing that happened a few years back with you and…” He stands up, defiant.
“Say it Abby.” His eyes are dark and cold. I’m starting to regret coming here to talk. I hug my knees to my chest tighter.
“Why can’t you just say it, damn it?”
“The abortion.” I finally blurt out.
“Jesus, Abby I thought we moved past this. It was a long time ago.”
“No, Lucas it was three years ago. That’s not a long time. You shouldn’t have convinced her to do it.” He raises his hand to stop me. I close my mouth.
“Excuse me, I don’t know where you come off accusing me of forcing someone to have an abortion.”
“You told her to have an abortion; she was scared and did it.” He tips his head back to get a better look at me and narrows his eyes. “I never told her to. She was scared because she got pregnant and didn’t want the baby. I told her I would support whatever she wanted. I didn’t force her to do anything.” I stared everywhere else but at him. Maybe I had heard wrong or just assumed that he coaxed her into it. I let my legs go and sat butterfly style, feeling like shit.
“Why didn’t you talk her out of it? Abortions are considered murder.”
“Not when they’re not even at the fetus stage. She was only five weeks along.”
“Still, to me its murder.”
“You know, I should have seen this coming.” He gets up and walks closer to the water’s edge. I get out of the truck bed and follow him.
“What do you mean by that?” He turns around, hurt and anger in his eyes.
“You’ve been placing blame on me since we started. Or at least making me feel like everything’s my fault.”
“Bull shit!” I snap. “My mother had a miscarriage Lucas. She didn’t have a choice to keep that baby. And if you guys hadn’t been so careless and had protected sex or better yet not had sex at all, it wouldn’t have happened in the first place. And Rachel would not have moved away.”
In a split second he’s in my face, seething, irate. “Really? You’re going to go there? Wow, you’re a real piece of work Abby. Thank you for showing your true colors. I see your job here is done.” He storms off to the car.
“What job? Lucas, get back here.” He walks back to me, his eyes boring into mine. Eyes I love so much, now dark and angry. “What job are you talking about?”
“I mean your job of sucking me back in, only to push me away again. You’re quite good at that.” I don’t push him away. But then again, I do. When things are working well for us, I find a way to sabotage all we’ve accomplished and worked hard for. It shouldn’t be that way. Love shouldn’t be that way. I kick a rock in frustration. “I didn’t know how this was going to go, but I was hoping you would be more understanding.”
“Understanding.” Lucas repeats. “How can I understand being pushed around repeatedly?” His face softens a smidge and I think for a moment I’ve seen my old Lucas again. “I can’t do this anymore Abby. I fight and fight, but what am I fighting for?”
“I don’t know anymore. I wanted us to happy, together at last. But I talked to my dad and he reminded me of why we couldn’t be together. You got this girl pregnant and then she has an abortion when she could have had it and given it up for adoption. But it’s done and over with.”
“So why can’t you drop it? My God Abby, you let everything consume you. But I guess I’m asking for too much. I’m taking you home now.”
I look up at him, tears in my eyes. “So that’s it? We’re done just like that?” He narrows his eyes and turns away from me. “It’s what you wanted. You got it.” He gets in the truck and leaves me standing there dumbfounded and confused. Did I really want this? I didn’t want to break up with him, just get things out in the open and try to work through it-together. But clearly he doesn’t want to. I get in the truck feeling numb and bitter.
The drive home is long, or at least it feels long. I can’t take the silence any longer. It pierces my ears.
“I’m sorry Lucas. I didn’t mean to cause trouble between us. That wasn’t my intention.”
He keeps his eyes on the road, avoiding eye contact. I know I’ve messed this up big time, probably beyond repair. The ache in my chest is so raw I want to break down right here and cry. But I don’t. Instead I slowly move my hand to touch his and as soon it makes contact with his hand he flinches, pulling it away abruptly.
“Don’t.” He warns.
“Why are you so upset? I thought being honest is important. You weren’t honest with me about your father. How do you think I felt when I saw that scar?” He snaps his head and looks at me, fierce, intense.
“God, Abby are you really that self absorbed?”
“Excuse me?” I give a look of disgust to match what I feel. Self absorbed? Where does he come off calling me that?
“I didn’t tell you anything because I didn’t think it was as important as what you were dealing with. Jesus, you needed me and I put my problems aside to comfort you after your dad walked out. Fuck, I don’t get you. What do you want from me?”
Then after he thinks about it for a minute, he says, “Just forget it. It’s better if we part ways. You’ll never be happy.” I can’t speak or think for that matter. He’s right. He was always there to comfort me when I needed someone. And he never complained about it. I just didn’t think he really needed the comforting himself. How could I have been so selfish? Tears start blurring my vision and I hastily wipe them away with the back of my hand. I’ve ruined everything. I’ve lost the only boy I’ve ever truly loved that is. I start to cry.
“Please Lucas; this is not what I wanted. Forget the past I will deal with it.” I lean back and close my eyes letting the tears freely roll down my cheeks.
“No Abby, you won’t. You’ll always find a way to sabotage us and my heart can’t take anymore of that. I’m sorry I made mistakes that you can’t forgive or forget. I’ll always love you, but I have to let you go. I have to protect my heart. But I don’t regret anything, us. I don’t regret the last few weeks. You need to find someone that doesn’t have a haunting past so you can be truly happy with them and love them with your whole heart. With no doubts.” We pull up to my house and suddenly I can’t feel my legs. They’ve gone numb, just like the rest of my body. I try to move but give up and lean back in my seat. I cover my eyes with my hands and try and mask the sob that’s about to escape my throat. He’s looks straight ahead, expressionless. Finally, I find my voice.
“I don’t regret anything either. And I don’t want anyone else. And I’m so sorry for ruining everything
.” I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall and stop talking, since he probably isn’t listening.
I numbly climb out of the truck and stand on the curb. With one more glance, he drives off. I sit down on the curb and drop my head in my hands. The tears start streaming out, faster than I can handle. I sit there, crying for what feels like forever, and then I get up and walk into my house, hoping to slip in unnoticed. I’m not in the mood to talk to anyone.
“Hey, you’re home early.” Damn, it was too good to be true. I turn around to face my mother and by the look on her face, she knows something happened. “Holy shit, honey what’s wrong?”
“I look that bad huh?” She pulls me in an embrace and I can’t hold my tears in. I soak her blouse with my and hug her tight. “I ruined it mom. I ruined everything.” She lets go of me and looks at me intensely. Her eye brows rise in bewilderment. “What happened?” We sit on the sofa and I tell her everything, our fight and how I was wrong about so many things and about his dad abusing him. She strokes my back, affectionately, like she always did when I was upset. It slightly calms me.
“I think you two need some time to cool off. Maybe in a few days he will feel like talking and you can try to work it out. But I told you not to let it dictate your future. It was a mistake and now it ruined your relationship with him. Honey, I’m so sorry it went so badly.” She gave me a gentle squeeze and I got up to go to my room. “I am going to take a nap. Please don’t wake me.” I say while walking away from her. I turn back around and say, “Ever.” Then I fall onto my bed and cry myself to sleep.
Chapter 25
The next few days are hard. I pass Lucas in the halls and he doesn’t look at me. It’s like I don’t exist to him anymore. How did things get so bad, so quick? My sister moves in with our father so I’m pretty much left alone to sulk and stew over my emotions. I’ve lost my appetite and the will to get up out of bed.
