During that horrible transition time, I felt like such a failure. I not only let myself down, I felt like I let Lynn, my customers, my store and my entire family down because I couldn’t manage to get it together. I hated the fact that Dominic and Glen had taken over my life and turned me into an angry bitch. Whoever was around me was always walking on eggshells, and most of those times it was Lynn. Our friendship was tested day in and day out, I seriously thought she would buy me out of the store and move back up north. Gratefully, Lynn held her ground and told me exactly where to shove it and put me in my spot– on numerous occasions. Boy did I need to be shoved. Like I said, she’s my rock and I’m forever indebted to her for that first six months of hell.
Since it has been a year, I’m now at a somewhat better place. Everything is perfect with my friendship with Lynn, my family and with the store, but you know…not everything is perfect inside my heart. There is a dull pain that still yearns for James’ presence. I wish for it to go away, but it’s no use. I’m reminded of him daily. Whenever I take out my Plumeria necklace from my jewelry box, I hold it in my hands and cry. I’m reminded he will always be the love of my life. Period. There will never be anyone else for me.
Handling my emptiness the last few days has been exceptionally difficult. James’ latest book, The Mental Pearl, just hit the bookstores, and ever since then, I’ve caught a glimpse of him on several daytime talk shows. Every time I turn on the television there’s his male beauty, staring right at me…it’s almost as if he truly is looking at me. I know, it’s just pure craziness to even go there. He’s too busy to be thinking about me. No way am I clouding his every thought like he has been with mine. A year can bring a lifetime of changes, so no doubt James’ life has changed. For all I know, his feelings about me could be nothing more than a small memory. It tears me upside to think he’s not in love with me anymore. I mean, if he were, wouldn’t he try to get in touch with me again? Or maybe he’s in love with someone else. That has to be it. He gave up on me ever trusting him again, so I shouldn’t be surprised he decided to move on. Damn it, I’m jumping to conclusions again! I need to stop this stupid habit of mine. It only leads to more pain and more wondering. Eventually I need to suck it up, get out those big girl panties once again, and make amends with James. Even if I have lost him forever, I think it’s important to tell him I’ve forgiven him. In truth, he was under his brother’s influence. He looked up to him, and wanted to please him for a time. Then it all changed. That would make any strong person, like James do the unthinkable, even if you loved the person.
Speaking of Dominic, he received a lifetime sentence of fifty years with parole after serving eighty-five percent of his sentence. There was never any trial because he pled guilty to all charges. I haven’t, nor do I want to see him again. He caused so much damage and he doesn’t deserve to see the light of day. Have I forgiven him? Not entirely, no. It’s going to take more than a year to get to that point in my life. I know I’m wasting precious time holding this grudge against him, but it’s my life and I will forgive him when the time is right.
So, back to the present. Lynn and I just closed shop for the day, and are now at our favorite Mexican restaurant for happy hour. Margaritas are on, as well as chips and salsa, and my favorite…fish tacos.
While eating and drinking, I spot a couple guys looking our way…especially the cute dark haired guy who keeps eyeing Lynn. I’m not into any guys right now, obviously, but sometimes I make small talk whenever I get hit on.
“Don’t turn around, but there is a very hot guy staring right at you,” I tell Lynn.
“Eh.” She shrugs. “Let ‘em gawk,” and then continues downing her margarita.
“Lynn, what is up with you? You haven’t dated in months.”
“I’m soul searching, just like you.”
“Why?” I chuckle. “You don’t need any more soul searching. You’re a strong, independent, one of a kind Latina hottie. Get yourself out there again. No reason to be stuck waiting for me to get back on my feet again. You’ve done enough of that already. I’m fine if you date.” I feel she’s been holding herself back, afraid I’m going to go down that dark road again or something. Guilt eats at me constantly because she has always been the one helping me back up, instead of the other way around. It’s her turn for happiness.
“I don’t want to get caught up in some relationship where it’s just going to fail in the end anyway. It’s too much work.”
“Who said you have to have a relationship? One night stands are perfectly fine, if you ask me,” I say, taking a sip of my margarita.
“Then what’s holding you back, huh? You’ve turned down multiple opportunities for one night stands.” She sternly eyes me.
She definitely has a point there, but no way, no how will I have a sleepover with some guy when I’m still in love with James. I can’t, nor will I ever sleep with someone else until I know my place with him. “Don’t turn this around on me.” I point at her. “You know exactly what my reasons are.”
“Yeah, yeah, okay.”
Almost spitting my drink out, I gasp. “Oh, crap…he’s coming over here!”
“Just great.” Lynn rolls her eyes.
Not just the guy eyeing Lynn, but also his friend, stop at our table. Guy number one looks down at Lynn when he asks politely, “Hey ladies. Are these seats taken?”
Knowing Lynn, she’s ready to tell both men to go to hell, but the moment she lays eyes on guy number one, her entire persona quickly changes. “Yes…I mean no. Please, sit down.”
Oh boy, I believe my bff has been struck by the love bug. I haven’t seen her light up like this in ages.
Once the guys take a seat, guy number one introduces himself and his friend. “I’m Brian, and this is Taylor.”
“Hi, I’m Lynn.” She smiles widely, and won’t stop staring at Brian. He’s definitely a looker. Dark short hair, dark eyes, medium build, nice smile…yeah he’s definitely hot and is so into Lynn. He can’t take his eyes off of her either.
Guy number two…Taylor, is great looking too, but not really my type. He looks like a bodybuilder; very muscular, arms covered in tattoos, shaved head. Unlike most women, he just doesn’t do it for me.
I hold my hand up. “I’m Paige.”
“Can we buy you both a drink,” Brian asks.
“Sure,” Lynn exclaims a little too loudly. “I’ll have another margarita, thanks.”
I, on the other hand, don’t need another one. “I’m all good, thanks.”
“Aw, come on, have another.” Taylor nudges my shoulder, which almost has me flying out of my seat, oblivious of his own strength. I know he’s trying to be nice and flirt with me, but geez, be gentle to the shorty here.
“Sorry, I’m the designated driver tonight.” I shrug.
After we get slightly acquainted with each other, we continue to eat, finish our drinks and talk. That is, until the TV up above me is turned to a channel showing a new interview clip of James. Everything around me, including Lynn, guy number two Taylor and my poor fish tacos, sadly take a backseat. The room behind me seems to fade out.
The interviewer is a woman I don’t recognize, not that I really care, my eyes and ears are only on my male beauty. That’s right…my male beauty. He’s the epitome of beautiful, handsome, charming, and all wrapped into one man. His hair has gotten a little longer, it’s almost touching the tips of his shoulders, and the facial scruff is scruffier than ever– which…wow, I totally love on him. I hadn’t really watched any of his previous interviews and turned them right off whenever he came on. My heart hasn’t been able to handle it. But now…I need to watch like I need to breathe.
The woman begins her interview. “You’re like the rock star within the book community, how do you feel about that?” She shoves the microphone into James’ beautiful face.
The moment he begins to talk, my breath is taken away. “Well, you know, it’s flattering. I’m very thankful to this community. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t
for the readers.”
“Now…you’ve made some major headlines last year, regarding your brother. How have you managed to stay grounded and positive?” Ugh, why does she have to bring that up? I really hate reporters.
But James, being the sweet man that he is, tells her, “To be honest, it’s not something I like to discuss. However, I would like to say that with the support of family and some deep, emotional therapy there’s a bright light at the end of the tunnel.” Therapy? Maybe he got the help he needed as well.
“I appreciate the honesty. On another topic, your first film is coming out soon. How does it feel that your novel, Unleashed, has made it on the big screen?”
“It’s quite an honor, actually, and pretty surreal.” He adorably chuckles.
“I hear that it’s getting an Oscar buzz already.”
“Another surreal moment. It’s a horror film, so yes…I’m speechless.”
“Any special person you’ll be taking to the premiere?”
My heart stops. Who’s he taking? “Just my sister, who’s also my agent.” A big rush of relief fills my lungs after hearing him say that.
“Really? You don’t have anyone special in your life?” This woman really needs to quit asking these types of questions. I don’t want to hear if he has anyone in his life who’s taken my place.
Again, I hold my breath to hear his answer. “It’s been a pretty hectic year, but let me just say this…patience is a virtue, and good things happen to those who wait.” Right then and there, he looks at the camera, as if he’s speaking directly to me.
Patience is a virtue.
After that, the interview cuts to a commercial, and suddenly I want to go home. Talking with guy number two Taylor, almost makes me feel like I’m cheating on James. It’s ridiculous I know, but no other man will ever come close to him. I’m not ready for one night stands, least of all chit chatting with some dude who probably thinks I’m just another chick who’ll go to bed with him. Well, that’s certainly not happening.
While poor Taylor is still trying to make small talk, my mind’s in another place. I feel bad, but I cut him off. “You know…I’m sorry, guys, but I’m going to head out.”
“You okay?” Lynn asks.
I make up an excuse. “Just super tired. It was nice talking with you, Taylor.”
“Same here, but hey…would you like to go out sometime?” he asks with hope in his eyes.
Oh boy, here we go. “I’m sorry, but…I’m not dating right now. Long story.”
“Sure, okay. Have a good night then.”
“You too.” Very quickly, I get my purse, and then head out to the front of the restaurant begging for the nighttime air to fill my lungs. Slowly, I’m finally able to breathe again.
Lynn comes out while I’m taking my breather. “I’m gonna say goodnight to Brian real quick.”
“Take your time.”
Take all the time you need. I really needed to get out of there before all the walls started caving in on me. Just to hear James’ voice hurt my heart. After a year of not talking to him, breathing him in, touching him, kissing him, making love to him…my soul is empty.
I wait in the car for a few minutes before Lynn comes hopping in the passenger’s side. She can’t stop smiling, it’s super sweet. Maybe with Brian, she’ll think twice about either a relationship or that one night stand we were talking about earlier.
“Well…you seemed pretty occupied with Brian in there, so that must mean you like him?”
She can’t contain her enthusiasm any longer and squeals, “Yes! I really do.”
“Good! He seemed really nice.”
“God, he was! And very sexy. We’re going out tomorrow night.”
“That’s awesome, Lynn!” It’s about time she starts dating again. Seeing her so happy makes me happy.
“Thanks. So, what about you? Taylor was pretty hot.”
“He was cute and nice, it’s just…” My voice trails off, thinking that no one compares to James.
“He’s not James,” she states. Yep. She knows me too well. The restaurant is just around the corner from our house, so it only takes us a couple minutes to get there. Once parked in the driveway, Lynn continues discussing James. We haven’t talked about him for a long time, because every time we do, I start to get weepy. Although I know we’re best friends, and will always support one another, Lynn must get so sick and tired of me crying on her shoulder all the time, it’s not fair for her. I hate dragging her down, especially since she’s so happy about meeting a new guy.
“Don’t you think it’s about time you reunite with him? I know you, Paige. One day you’re happy, the next you’re in the clouds, depressed. I think a year has been long enough. You’ve moved past his lying, you’ve gone to therapy, so what gives?”
“I’m scared to face him again,” I mumble, looking down at my hands while I flip the car keys around my finger.
“Are you crazy?”
“It’s been a year, Lynn!”
“Yeah, so?”
Just like clockwork, my eyes begin to water. “So…what if he has fallen out of love with me?” My voice strained, and as sad as can be.
“Okay,” Lynn huffs out. “I’m going to tell you something…I’ve been keeping in touch with him.”
“What?” I gasp. “You have not!”
“Yes, babe, I have.”
Holy crap, is she for real? How could she? “Wha…what have you both been saying to one another?” Lynn knows me better than anyone, and can see how upset I am over this.
Grabbing my hand, she tries to calm me down. “Honey, listen to me…go see him, and talk to him, because it’s really not my place to tell you. I’ve kept it private and I intend to keep it that way.”
For a whole year she’s been in contact with James? My James? I desperately need to know about him and it kills me that she won’t say anything. But knowing Lynn, this is how she is. She kept a promise for James because he knew we couldn’t be in each other’s lives anymore, yet he still wanted to know how I was doing. God I love him so much. However, not knowing if he’s still in love with me or not is what’s hurting me the most.
When I finally understand, I quietly ask, “Can you tell me one thing? Does he still love me?”
“Yes. Even more so than before. He misses you.”
I cover my eyes with my hands and break down. “Oh, God, I miss him too. It really hurts.”
“I know,” she says, patting my hair down. “Look, he’s got a signing up in L.A. this coming weekend. Go up there and surprise him.”
Surprise him? Do I even have the guts to do such a thing? “Maybe…I’ll think about it.” I wipe my eyes.
“Yeah, okay.” I’m glad she’s not pushing me. The last thing I need is to jump into this without carefully thinking it through. I have to be ready, and prepared.
Later on in the evening, after I have finished getting ready for bed, Lynn comes into my bedroom.
I’m sitting on my bed, looking at my laptop, when she hands me a book. And it’s not just any book, it’s James’ newest book, The Mental Pearl.
“James sent me this awhile back. I’ve just been waiting for the right time to give it to you. And, well…the time is right. Maybe this will help you find what you’re looking for.” Leaving me completely speechless, she quietly walks out.
I’ve been putting off from buying James’ book, because no matter what, he’ll be on my mind. His story deserves more than what I can give it right now. I have to be willing to let him go in order to give his story my full attention. So looking at the cover with his name and title, inside is a whole other ball game. His words will take me over the edge, I just know it. I’m not ready to read it…I’m just not. But, I am tempted to see a glimpse. I’ll just turn one page. Okay, another. And another, and…his dedication.
To the love of my life. My soul mate. My heart. Paige.
I’ll never forget walking inside that quiet bookstore and seeing you read with such intensity. When you loo
ked up at me with those amazing brownies of yours, I was hooked from that day forward.
You showed me kindness.
You showed me love.
You showed me passion and compassion.
You showed me courage and strength.
You taught me honesty is always the best policy, no matter what.
If I could, I’d bathe you in a bath full of Plumerias, and allow the breeze from Maui to dry your skin.
Our cabana. Our safe haven. Our paradise. The place where love bloomed.
Thank you for showing me what my future could always be like.
I miss you. I love you.
By the end, I’m a blubbering mess. I now know what he truly feels for me after this entire year apart. No more wondering or waiting. It’s now time to get him back.
This last year has been the worst year of my entire life. Not only did I lose Paige, I lost my brother. Dominic went to prison, but was also on suicide watch. Three times he attempted to kill himself, which devastated me and my family. There was nothing we could do for him in there. Thank God he wasn’t trapped with a bunch of murderers. Instead, he was placed in a secluded part of the prison where he could be monitored at all times. Each week he talks with a psychiatrist and was put on medication for his depression and to hopefully reduce his suicidal thoughts. Being put behind bars terrified Dominic, so he thought he had no choice, but to try to end his life. Every day we’re afraid of getting that one phone call, telling us he’s succeeded. We just pray it never happens. Even though he’s never coming home, his life still matters.
Our parents have visited Dominic a few times in the last year, but it’s never a heartwarming welcome. He doesn’t want to see any of us until he is back on track again. But who knows if that will ever happen. However much I love my brother, I haven’t wanted to see him, I’m not ready to face him. He destroyed so many lives. It will take me a long time to forgive him. So for now, it’s best I stay away. He hasn’t asked for me either.
During the time Dominic went away, Becca refused to believe he was responsible for her brother’s death. I was surprised to see her fight for him, I always assumed she was only with him to get to me, but it turned out she really did care for him, deeper than she probably realized. However, her parents wanted her to stay far away from Dominic, and practically forced her to move back to Europe. They threatened to take away all her assets if she got near him. It didn’t take her long to ship out. Living off her parents’ money was more important. I was actually relieved to know she had left, because many a night she would text me or call me, begging to see me, but I was done with her. I couldn’t and wouldn’t get involved. Months finally passed with no word.
Chasing Paige (Falling for Words Book 1) Page 21
