“You’ve made your point,” she conceded.
“Let’s cut a deal. You let me out of this joint with this annoying little splint, I’ll promise to wear it until the break heals, and we forget this ever happened. Sound good? And you’ll make sure that lycanthrope leaves me alone. He’s not my type.”
“What kind of lycanthrope is your type, dare I ask?”
“He’s a bodyguard, he makes the best bacon I’ve ever tasted, and I’m sure I can convince him to give me the time of day eventually.”
Dr. Carden sighed. “He hates you, doesn’t he?”
“Hate is such a strong word. I like to think of him as sensible and appropriately cautious about involving himself with a woman like me.”
“Are you insane?”
“Honest,” I countered.
Dr. Carden’s eyes widened. “What do you mean by that?”
“What you see is what you get, Dr. Carden. I prefer to let people judge me on who I actually am. I see no need to dance to the contrived social rules. As I don’t play the social game like people wish me to play it, I suppose you could call me insane. I value honesty. I also value enjoying my life and living it to the fullest.”
I smiled my way through the worst of lies, as my best kept secrets were hidden right beneath the noses of my victims and pursuers. A paper-thin veneer of lies shrouded me, and all it’d take was a spark to unveil everything, which was why my methods worked so well.
No one wanted to believe the crazy girl next door was actually crazy, and no one liked believing a killer walked among them. That I only killed the other killers meant little.
I still killed.
“You’re a very interesting woman, Miss Tulip. As I suspect you’d escape from my hospital like you did the others, I’ll agree to your terms under a few conditions.”
“What conditions?”
“You’ll come back for a checkup within the next two weeks, you will refrain from playing with other lycanthropes, even if they wreck your grandparents’ car, and you’ll avoid any injuries to your head. A mild concussion can turn into a serious problem if you’re not careful. Do we have a deal?”
“Deal,” I replied, saluting the doctor. “Do I get a lollipop for good behavior?”
“If you show up to your appointment without having done additional damage to yourself, I might be able to locate a lollipop for you.”
“Then I’ll see you soon, Dr. Carden.”
The clouded leopard waited with my grandparents, and I looked him over head to toe, flashed him my best smile, and waved the paper declaring I wasn’t contaminated in his face. “You’re officially in no way responsible for me, Sir Kitten. You can go home with no fear you’ll be stuck with me. Trust me when I say this is a very good thing.”
“And here I thought I’d be able to enjoy your company for at least three days,” the kitty growled, and his ears flattened.
I shouldn’t have been surprised a lycanthrope would find having his teeth bashed in by a woman attractive. “I’m sure you’ll find a pretty lady who wants to make someone purr at night. That is not me, for the record.” Since I had no doubt my grandparents would want to see proof, too, I handed the sheet over to my grandfather. “I’m free to go, but I’ve been told I should avoid punching any more lycanthropes in the face for at least a week”
“Your doctor is a wise woman,” my grandfather replied, looking over the sheet. “All right. Since the target of your affections is out of town, I suppose I don’t have to warn him he might be assaulted this week.”
“I wouldn’t say he’s the target of my affections.” I shrugged. “Affection is such a flimsy word. I’m hunting a lifetime supply of the best bacon I’ve ever tasted. That’s serious business, old man.”
“How would you feel if I told you I taught him how to make bacon?” my grandfather replied.
“You will ensure I’ll visit as long as you promise to make me bacon. It’s very simple.”
“So, if I want to introduce you to prospective grooms, I need to teach them how to make bacon first?”
I shook my head. “You’re going to have to try harder than that. My target has checked off every single one of my boxes in the pro column, and he hasn’t accumulated any cons yet.” I turned to the leopard. “Sorry, kitty. I’m taken, and the taker doesn’t know it yet.”
“I’m not sure if I should be jealous or relieved,” the lycanthrope admitted.
“Go with relieved. That choice is safer for your health.”
“You’re an unusual woman, Tulip.”
“I blame my unique blend of genes for that. I’m what happens when you mix predator and prey species. Snakes eat fish, and while mer are predators, when it comes to gorgon, they count as a prey species. It’s ugly. I recommend against doing that. Find yourself a nice wolf. The battle between cats and dogs will keep you amused for the rest of your lives.”
“You assume finding an interested wolf is easy.”
I raised both my brows, planted my hands on my hips while ignoring the pain from my broken finger, and replied, “Nothing worth doing is easy. If it were, everyone would be happy. There’s nothing wrong with having higher standards, especially when you’re picking a partner for life.”
Without waiting for a reply, I turned to my grandparents. They rose from their seats and headed towards the exit, and I followed them without looking back.
Some would call me a bitch for treating the lycanthrope as I did, but I deserved better, and so did he.
My stunt punching an infuriated lycanthrope landed me a pair of infuriated gorgon grandparents, and the instant we reached the car, their serpents scolded me with hisses.
My grandfather took point, narrowing his eyes, and getting in my face. “Care to explain that?”
“Saving my future car from a beating. I already said that. One day, this car will be mine, and I was protecting it. If I’d let that overgrown pussy cat get a hold of it, it would’ve been crunched like a tin can.”
“You’re a lot less durable than my car. It’s also not going to be your car. I intend on living so long the car rusts apart before I get rid of it.”
“You’ll upgrade, and when you do, I’ll be waiting.”
My grandmother crowed her laughter. “She has you there, dear. I fear she takes after our son. We should be grateful she’s made it easy to understand how to earn her affections. You need to feed her bacon and agree to give her the car. You’ll replace this one as soon as you get tired of it. Frankly, I’m surprised you’ve been loyal to this one for a year. You usually last six months before you find a new toy.”
“I haven’t felt like doing a gemstone run lately. No gemstone runs, no new cars. We’ve been over this before.”
“Gemstone run?” I asked, sliding into the back of my future car. “Is that how you make your money? You mine gemstones?”
“Mine implies he works for it, dear. He doesn’t. He’s far too lazy. He goes to the nearest place with the right mineral deposits and petrifies the dirt and rocks until he gets the raw material he’s looking for. Then he sells the raw material to jewelers, who pay him a fortune for it. Diamonds sell the best, but he hates having to make the trips. Arizona has the best material for diamonds.”
“Interesting. Can you turn people into gemstones, too?”
“Typically not.”
“But if you did, and you smashed them, would they stay a gemstone?”
“No. Neutralizer would revert them back to flesh, and it’s rather unpleasant. All purchasers check stones with neutralizer to make sure gorgons haven’t done just that, anyway. Should I be disturbed you’re asking?”
My grandmother snorted and waved her hand. “Rufus changed the poor girl’s fingernails into opals. After that, I’d be curious, too. She might be thinking we’re out to lure her to a secondary location and turn her into an opal for jewelry. Don’t worry, dear. Neither one of us would be as dastardly as to petrify someone and turn them into jewelry. If we were going to turn them into jewelry, we�
��d kill them, strip the flesh from their bones, treat the bones, and use the bones.”
I buckled my seatbelt and wondered if I’d gotten my psychopathic tendencies from my grandparents. “That’s good to know.”
“I thought so. Since swimming is out, what would you like to do today, dear?”
“What’s guaranteed to drive my father insane?”
“Skydiving. He hates planes and believes if gorgons were meant to fly, we’d have wings.”
“I’ve heard that before,” I muttered, thinking of the mer half of my family, who also viewed flying as abhorrent. “I’m not sure I’m supposed to be skydiving with a concussion. In fact, I’m pretty sure skydiving is off the list of allowed activities.”
“Since when did you ever listen to the doctor’s orders?”
I decided my grandmother was the greater threat of the two. “I will be very disappointed if I don’t get my lollipop because we went skydiving today.”
“You’ll survive.” She made a thoughtful noise. “Well, maybe. Can never guarantee that when jumping out of a perfectly good plane.”
At long last, I had finally found my tribe, and I was blessed to share genetic material with them. I thanked every last deity I could think of before replying, “I’m game if you can convince the old man in the driver’s seat.”
“We’re going skydiving. Now.”
My grandfather sighed. “Yes, dear.”
11
The first chance I got, I was going to kidnap my mother and toss her out of an airplane. I’d be generous and leash her to a skilled skydiver first, but I’d treasure the moment I punted her ass out of a perfectly good plane so I could listen to her scream.
I jumped five times before my grandparents convinced me we needed to head home. It had taken all of my grandfather’s black mambas hissing to convince me he meant business, and even then, I cast wistful looks at the small plane and its old, cranky pilot.
He thought gorgons stank and made no effort to hide his disgust. After living most of my life around mer, who enjoyed fish, I’d gotten used to odd odors. The musk of a gorgon was hardly a blip on my radar. Hundreds of fish heads rotting on the shores of a rainforest had ensured I had a tolerance for nasty smells.
“One more time?” I begged.
“No,” my grandparents chorused.
I returned to my future car, leaned against it, and scowled. “This is cruel and unusual punishment. How could you deny me another chance to fly?”
I’d learned an important truth. I should’ve been born with wings, and I was happiest the instant I jumped, floating while the wind whipped at me. As soon as I could, I’d learn how to jump alone, taking my fate in my own hands rather than trusting someone else to open the chute so we wouldn’t smack into the ground at terminal velocity.
“You’ve created a monster,” my grandfather complained.
“No, I’ve created positive reinforcement. When she does something we like, we take her for skydiving lessons. She’s just like our son. If we want her cooperation, we’re going to have to bribe her. Your tally of viable bribes is now up to two. Be grateful.”
My grandmother was wise, and I wanted to be like her if I ever grew up.
“I can’t win this one, can I?”
“No,” my grandmother and I chorused.
My grandfather sighed. “We can’t do another dive because it’s too late in the day, Tulip. It’s too dangerous. While I enjoy a good thrill, I really don’t want to have to explain to your father that you died skydiving too close to dark. Thrill seeking is one thing, recklessness is another.”
“That’s a good reason. Honestly, I need to get back to job searching anyway.”
While I’d never admit it, my hand throbbed right along with my head, and skydiving hadn’t done me any favors. I’d spend a few minutes making a list of potential jobs to look up, then I’d take the biggest dose of painkillers I could before chasing after sleep.
“And unlike our son, she can be reasonable given a logical reason. Obviously, Rufus had done some research before deciding he needed a mermaid princess as his bride. Now, if only we could convince him to start a hive of his own or have a son. A son would be useful.” My grandmother sulked, and her serpents lowered their heads.
They still wore their little hats, and I struggled to contain my laughter at the ridiculousness of so many little snakes wearing tiny hats.
Getting in the car and buckling in bought me enough time to control my mirth, and I grimaced at the twinge of head to toe bruising setting in. By morning, I expected my muscles would be filing a petition to leave the Union right along with my wardrobe.
The skydiving was worth it. I’d regret punching a lycanthrope in the mouth tomorrow around the time the painkillers wore off. After my humiliating defeat by a tiny white pill at the hands of Justin Brandywine, I’d put the prescription painkillers far out of reach, preferably in a trashcan, so I wouldn’t be caught off my guard again.
“What do you want for dinner, Tulip?” my grandfather asked.
“Justin and his bacon,” I replied.
“I’m afraid Justin and his bacon aren’t available for your consumption.” Sighing, he got into the car and started the engine. “I’m going to have to warn that poor boy to escape while he can.”
“Why would you do something like that?”
My grandmother cackled. “Give it up, dear. Rufus was no different when he first saw his mermaid. Justin’s just going to have to fend for himself and ultimately surrender, preferably before she starts taking after her mother and conquering nations to get her hands on him. You should be grateful Rufus didn’t attempt to take over the mer kingdom. He would have needed our help, and things would’ve gotten messy.”
I didn’t want to imagine a trio of gorgons attempting a hostile takeover of the mer kingdom so my father could catch my mother. Worse, I couldn’t guess which side would emerge the victors.
Petrification would give the gorgons an advantage, but fear-induced violence might win the battle.
I’d need a lot of popcorn and a good camera to watch that showdown.
“The object of our discussion isn’t making helpful commentary,” my grandfather whined.
“Obviously, my father didn’t inherit his headstrong tendencies or pride from his father.”
My grandmother snickered. “You earned that, dear.”
“Perhaps it’s better she’s not interested in becoming a hive’s queen. Kings would wage war to have her, only to learn they’d brought the battle to the hive. Rufus will gain a reputation of producing unobtainable jewels.” My grandfather sighed, and unlike earlier, he made a point of obeying most traffic laws. He even avoiding accelerating through the yellows.
“If I don’t fall over dead from being some weird hybrid, I’m pretty sure my mother expects me to rule her kingdom when she retires. Not the brightest decision ever made,” I admitted. “She’ll approve of Justin and his bacon skills, however. More accurately, I think she’ll be more interested in his professional responsibilities, as she’s certainly not going to find a responsible ruler in me.”
In reality, she’d been working on me since the day I’d been born, so if I did suffer the unfortunate misfortune of reigning over the mer kingdom as a queen, I had the tools and capabilities of doing the job, the army to support my claim to the throne, and enough islands to ensure I could see to my duties.
If the worst happened and my mother did want to retire, she’d add to her crimes and find some sort of magic enabling me to visit the kingdom I’d be forced to rule. I’d have to step up my bodyguard-avoidance game, as the instant a crown touched my head, I’d have a swarm of concerned mer watching my every move.
My grandfather grunted and turned off the main road for the cobbled lane that would eventually reach my father’s home. “Your mother does have a tendency to conquer inhabited islands. When Rufus told me she’d conquered Madagascar, I didn’t believe it until I checked the news. I’ll have you know, when I was researching he
r as a match for my son, I had no idea she’d develop such an interesting hobby.”
“Hobby? No, it’s not a hobby. She takes the conquest of islands very seriously. She’s easily bribed, though. A good string of pearls will redirect her attention to another island for a while.”
“That seems like a small price to pay for national security.”
“I never said it made sense.”
“I’m beginning to believe nothing you do does,” my grandfather groused.
I smirked, pleased I’d accomplished the one thing guaranteed to keep my more sinister activities off his radar. In a world of murder, mayhem, and vigilante justice, logic ruled.
It was just not logical in the way most wanted to think about, a little like how a mer queen might be dissuaded from conquering islands with a simple gift of pearls. My mother had won the battle with the Queen of England, and the necklace was her trophy.
With one gift, the Queen of England had acknowledged my mother could conquer her island, and my mother liked it best when she conquered the places no one thought she could.
It was more fun that way.
My grandparents had a fondness for meat, and I thanked my lucky stars they remembered I needed mine cooked. They took theirs raw, and I watched them, brows raised, while they devoured their chicken. The bones occupied them for longer than I found comfortable despite having spent most of my life surrounded by mer, who committed similar culinary atrocities and liked it.
If my father had the same food preferences, I’d be doing Justin a favor if I took him far away.
Long after I’d eaten my fill, my grandparents tore through an entire flock of birds, and I slipped away while their attention was fixated on their meal.
If they asked, I’d tell them the truth. I was tired, my head hurt, and I needed some peace and quiet. I also needed to do some research on my temporary new home. My father would have to live with his disappointment the day I relocated to somewhere new.
My first job would be to identify if Rapid City had a serial killer or two lurking within it. Killers inhabited every city, but serial killers were a special breed, deliberately preying upon others to add to their tally or accomplish their twisted goals.
Sirens and Scales Page 40
