Forever Devoted

by Virginia Nelson

  “That’s what you’ve been doing? Saving to move out on your own?” The lines in his face were back, dark fury so clear that she cringed away from it instinctively.

  “Yes, I’m hoping to move out before your birthday. It was going to be a surprise.”

  Chapter Nine

  He didn’t have words, not when it felt as though she’d practically betrayed him and then called it a gift. “You’re leaving?”

  Allowing her to stand, he watched her pace to the front window and place her palm flat against the glass. Considering the iciness of her fingers when she’d touched him, he couldn’t imagine the cool glass offered comfort, but perhaps she wanted to focus on something other than the heat of his anger for a moment.

  He couldn’t blame her for it, but he couldn’t stop being pissed either.

  “What I did that night…I can call it a mistake all day long, but it still boils down to being a choice I made for myself, and the repercussions of my actions go along with that choice. You didn’t sign on for all of—” Glancing back at him, she made an expansive gesture with her hand. “This.”

  “I beg to differ.”

  Her brows, as pale as her hair, arched, and her lips turned up in an unhappy smile. “You do, huh?”

  Standing, he moved closer to her slowly. “I signed on to be your friend, and you chose to be mine when neither of us had anyone else who gave a fuck. I signed on to care about you, and I have for most of our lives. Maybe I didn’t choose to love you, but I do, and nothing will change that. Not injury, not dumb mistakes, not anything. I stayed by your side because I believe in you, as I’ve told you….”

  “Yes, and it was very sweet. However—”

  Close enough to touch her, he resisted the impulse. “Sweet? Fuck sweet, Robs. If you’d let me finish, I would’ve added, but also because I couldn’t do anything else. When you were lying on that bed, dead to the world and possibly never going to wake up, I realized something very important. Something I’ve probably always known but never admitted.”

  She turned away again, so he embraced her from behind, breathing deep the scent of her hair. “You had to wake up. I couldn’t imagine living in a world without you. When I held you in the night, when I listened to you rambling gibberish and asking the same damned thing a hundred times, the thing that kept me by your side wasn’t so much the knowledge that you were a hard-ass and would fight your way back out of the darkness. It was that I couldn’t bear for you not to come back to me. I held you in the night because I needed you, and I’ve stayed with you because I needed you. It isn’t some selfless act done because you required my help. It was the most selfish thing I’ve ever done.”

  Her movement suggested she wanted to face him, but he wasn’t ready. “Now you’re telling me you’ve spent your every waking moment for the past month working to leave me. You’ve carved hollows in your cheekbones, pushed yourself to the limits, and this whole time, I thought you were fighting to get back to yourself. Instead? You were fighting to get the hell away from me.”

  He finally allowed her to turn but didn’t waver when he saw the tears in her eyes. Instead, he barreled onward, determined that she’d hear all of it. “If that is actually what you want, I’ll let you go. Before you do, however, let me make it precisely clear in words no one can misconstrue. Just as hard as I fought to get you back, I will fight to keep you. I love you, dammit, and I want you here—with me, in my bed and arms.”

  “I’ve read about this, though. If you take care of someone for long enough, you can develop an attachment….”

  “I can see where you’d worry about that. You’re detail-oriented, and no one ever accused you of being dumb. Yet, I’d like you to remember before the accident. Name one relationship I was in besides the one with you, if you can.”

  Her mouth opened and closed. “You dated people, Gray. You had girlfriends and slept with them and—”

  Cupping her face in his hands, he shook his head. “Okay, now I will call you dumb. Having sex and a relationship aren’t the same thing. The only relationship I ever had was you. And, although you’re a stubborn, bull-headed Taurus, the only relationship you ever had was me. We always came back together, or hadn’t you ever noticed?”

  The tears fell, tracking down her cheeks and over his hands. “I didn’t think you did.”

  Kissing both her eyes then her nose, he whispered, “Yeah, I noticed.”

  “So you don’t want me to go?”

  “Nope.”

  Her sigh was shaky, but her hands came up to cover his, holding him in place—as if he intended to be anywhere else. “And you were attracted to me?”

  “I have no clue how you never noticed that. I swear, I’ve walked around with a stiffie for years.”

  Her laughter washed over him, and he went back to peppering her with kisses. She arched her neck to allow him better access and shuddered when he nibbled on her ear. Her voice sounded tremulous as she whispered, “So why didn’t we end up in bed before?”

  Leaning back, he shrugged and smiled. “We’re both stubborn. Happy birthday, by the way. I brought you a book and flowers. I can go get them, give them to you, or I can take you to bed and show you just how much I’ve wanted you. Unless you’re planning on still leaving, of course, or if you think you’ll lock me out of your bedroom right when things get interesting again.”

  She bit his thumb, which still rested on her face. “I am not going anywhere.”

  “Good,” he answered and carried her to bed.

  ***

  “I’m nervous,” she admitted, watching as he stripped off his shirt. His body had always fascinated her, and she licked her lips. Moving to her side table, hoping that not looking would allow her a moment to calm her racing pulse, she grabbed a water bottle and gulped some down.

  “What, you? My bold and brassy Robbie is actually afraid of something? Somebody alert the presses.”

  Snorting, she turned to find him still standing in the same spot. His shirt lay on the floor at his feet, bare because he’d toed off his shoes in the living room. In just jeans, he still took her breath away. “I mean, I can touch you now….”

  Putting words to action, she stroked across his shoulders, trailing down his arms. His gaze tracked her motions, so utterly focused on her it gave her a small thrill. When her hand reached his, he entwined their fingertips and brought her palm to his lips for a quick kiss. “You can. Then again, you’ve always been able to touch me.”

  Shrugging, she nibbled her lip. “This is different.”

  “It is.”

  Still, he didn’t move, waiting, it seemed. Taking advantage of his stillness, she began to kiss his body. When she got to his nipple, she sucked it into her mouth and felt him practically vibrate with tension. Stroking up and down her arms, he touched her and urged her closer. Tilting her head back, she accepted his kiss and practically sighed at the pleasure and rightness of their tongues tangling.

  So swept away in his kiss, she was surprised when he flattened his hands against her chest, pushing her work shirt off her shoulders and letting it drift to the floor. Instead of removing her bra, he pulled her breasts out of the cups and seemed to weigh them in his palms. “Lovely. You’re so lovely, my Robbie.”

  Bending his head, he worshipped her breasts until she was on her toes, practically wriggling with her lust. He sensed her needs and, in moments, had them both stripped and on the bed.

  When she thought he’d rush, that their motions would become ignited by fire and rocketing toward the finish line, he slowed things back down. “The breathing, Robs. Breathe with me.”

  In for a count of three….

  Kisses, open-mouthed and hungry, over every inch of her flesh. Her leg tossed over his shoulder as he parted the lips and stole inside to kiss her there—right where she most needed his mouth. Delicious tension shivered through her, ravaging her system until she couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t think. Could only feel as he dragged her up the preci
pice, only to shove her spiraling over the edge. Instead of leaving her quaking, his touches continued, scoring need upon need until she clawed at him to bring him closer.

  “So ferocious, my Robbie.” His words were teasing but gruff, and his breath raced right along with hers. Then he slid inside her, and they both went still. Hardly realizing what she did, so blinded by her passion and the smell and feel of him surrounding her, she bit down on his shoulder to try to contain all he made her feel.

  Then he was moving, and she was arching to meet him, both struggling together. His mouth covered hers as his body pulsed in and out of her, swallowing her scream of release mere seconds before he shuddered above her.

  Refusing to allow space between them again, he rolled to his side and tucked her close. While her hands shook, aftershocks quaking through her body echoing in her fingertips, his palms smoothed over her skin in unending circles of wonderful contact.

  “You okay?” he asked.

  “I’m not breakable if that’s what you’re asking.”

  “Yeah, well, you just learned to walk again a few months ago. This is a bit more exuberant than walking.” He bit down on her shoulder, but she could feel his smile against her arm when he released her.

  “Hey, it is my birthday, boyo. If you think that’s all you’re giving me, think again. Just give me a moment to remember how to work my arms, and then we’re going for round two.”

  He laughed, squeezing her. After a moment, he rolled onto his back, and she flipped so she could prop her elbow on his chest. His expression had gone serious, but he studied her. “Are you going to move out?”

  “I…don’t really want to. I was trying to do it for you so you could go on with your life.”

  Tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, he smiled. “You’re my life, silly woman.”

  Kissing him, she reveled in the magic of his lips against hers. The heady joy of discovery would fade—it did in every relationship—but if they were left with only the feelings they’d shared before sex came into the equation?

  She had to admit they still had a pretty good thing going for them. “Back atcha, Smythe. No, I’m not leaving you. And if it isn’t too needy, I’d like it if you started sleeping with me again.”

  She didn’t mention the nightmares, but he linked their hands. “It’d make me happy to have you with me in the darkness.”

  Giggling, she rolled onto her back and looked at the ceiling. “Did I tell you what my last thought was before I passed out in the accident?”

  He squeezed her hand. “Yup. A few hundred times. Usually, you forgot you told me, though. You thought, ‘Gray told me not to go.’”

  Snickering, she glanced at him. “Yup. And yet you’ve not done one single ‘I told you so.’”

  He shrugged, bringing their linked hands to his face so he could kiss her fingertips. Even though they’d just had sex, she found her stomach tightening, and she sucked in a breath. The man didn’t have to do much to turn her on, a talent she’d never really appreciated as much as she did while lying naked next to him.

  “Because I’m carrying my own guilt over that night, to be honest. I should’ve stopped you.”

  “Did I tell you, in all my brain-damaged rambling, why I got so damned drunk that night?”

  He nodded, expression sober. “Yup. That asshole you were dating dumped you because he thought we had a thing going. Which we did, but not in the way he inferred.”

  “You’re half right. I wanted you, even then. I think I was most pissed with him because he put words to it, and I hadn’t yet.”

  “I’m sorry I didn’t stop you. I told you that a thousand times while I begged you to wake up, but I am sorry, Robs. I failed you. I’ll spend the rest of my life trying not to fail you again.”

  Straddling him, she shivered in pleasure when she realized he was hard again. “I promise to spend the rest of my life trying to make you as happy as you make me. I love you, Gray Smythe.”

  Then neither of them needed words since their bodies said everything they’d not gotten around to saying yet.

  Chapter Ten

  August

  “Are you sure this is a good idea?” Rowdy put the car in park, and she unsnapped her seatbelt.

  “Nope. But I’m moving forward. This is part of me putting the past behind me.” She adjusted her sunglasses before she got out of the car, though. The medicine they’d given her to control the lingering headaches also caused sun sensitivity, making the beautiful summer day a risk factor for a later bout with pain and hiding in the dark.

  She also might be stalling. Just because she knew she needed to do it, that didn’t mean she wasn’t terrified of doing it. Hand on the handle, one step at a time, she got out of the vehicle and walked down the hill. They’d fixed the guardrail, the shining newness of the one portion a marker to where they’d skidded off the road before tumbling down the hill. Grass and plants grew, almost knee-high as she headed toward the man standing under the scarred and bent tree.

  It wasn’t her first time visiting the place. She’d talked Gray into bringing her a month or so back, just so she could see it in daylight and banish lingering ghosts. Still, the twisted and mangled nature of the tree that’d once stood tall and unmolested seemed a headstone to the person she’d been before the accident. Like her, the tree was still alive, but it grew cockeyed—angling up at a strange twist. New leaves and branches were already twisting out of it, and her hand automatically raised to touch the place where her hair still grew in the wrong direction. If she grew it out, long and lanky and a pain in her ass, perhaps she could hide the odd hair.

  But the hair was the only outward tell to show the world what she’d survived, so she didn’t bother.

  The man’s hand rested on the tree, his head bent, and he didn’t look up as she approached. Stuffing her hands in her pockets, she considered him.

  Handsome, tall, nothing outward proved he’d been in that truck with her the night everything changed. When he finally looked up, the haunted look in his eyes gave away the truth. She wasn’t sure how she could’ve talked to him so many times at work and never recognized him, yet he’d stopped coming after Gray tried to go after him.

  Which proved he wasn’t suicidal, regardless of his night of drunk driving.

  Since he still hadn’t spoken, and because she’d come to try to seek closure, she asked the question that had bugged her since the spring. “Why did you come into the store? Why come to my line after what’d happened?”

  He shrugged, fingers running over the bark over and over as if it were braille he read with his touch. Twice he opened his mouth before he finally spoke. “I needed to see you. For myself, I mean, and know you survived that.”

  Again the shrug, then he seemed to brace himself before facing her head-on. “I have no idea what you remember now of that night, but I know what I remember. I was driving, and then I lost control. I shouldn’t have been going that fast, not by a longshot, and I shouldn’t have been behind the wheel. That being said? I thought I had it under control at the time. Then I didn’t. I remember rolling, trying to look over at you, and then the airbag hit my face, and everything went dark. The paramedics? They said it probably knocked me out for a minute or whatever, but all I know is that I woke up hanging upside down and looking at a deflated balloon with spots of red on it, like one of those party balloons splattered with paint. I couldn’t figure out what I was looking at, so I turned my head.”

  Shaking his head, he looked at her in the sunshine with a rueful smile. “You were dangling, too, arms limp as they hung next to your head and blood…I’d never seen so much blood. It ran down your arms like something out of a movie. Glass was everywhere, and it took me a minute to realize I could see so much because the dashboard lights were still on.”

  Shifting, he began to walk, and she paced along at his side, listening.

  “The truck was totaled. I don’t know if you saw it afterward. It looked like a crumpled-up
glob of metal, and all the glass was busted out. Yet, the lights were on, and the radio was playing. A country song. I remember which song, and it is still playing on the damned radio. I’ll be at the store or the gas station, and that song comes on, and I can’t help but shake, remembering.”

  Stopping, he looked at Robbie again, but she didn’t add anything. She didn’t remember the radio, but then again she’d been brain damaged, so….

  He continued when she stayed silent. “Anyway, I got my seatbelt off and then yours.” You just flopped to the ceiling of the truck, limp. I caught you, got you out of the truck, but I couldn’t think what to do next. I was drunk, in no shape to help you. I made it back up the hill, waving my arms….”

  Again a shrug before he bent to pluck a daisy from the grass. One by one, he began to strip off its petals, but Robbie wasn’t sure he saw either the daisy or her since he seemed so lost to the memory.

  “But we live in the country. No cars came down that back country road, not for more than an hour. I’d screamed at that point until my throat was sore, checked on you twice. I didn’t think you were dead, but I was still crying when someone finally came.

  “They took you away, the ambulance lights glittering in the dark like the glass on the roof glittered in the dashboard lights. No one would let me see you in the hospital, and Gray didn’t let me see you afterward. They said pay, so I paid fines and served what little time they gave me, but I couldn’t see how any price I paid would give you back what I stole with pride and ignorance behind the wheel of my truck.”

  “So that was why you kept coming to the store?” she asked. Her voice sounded rough and unused, and she glanced back up the hill to see Rowdy shifting uncomfortably. “You wanted to tell me sorry or something?”

  He shrugged. “Not exactly. I kept hoping you’d remember, that you’d say something about it. We experienced this huge thing. I’d ruined your life…and you didn’t even remember me. I guess I expected you to yell, to hit me, to make me pay for what I did to you, but you always smiled in that vague way….”