by Wolf, Bree
I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know. I don’t know what I want.” I didn’t dare look at him, my eyes focused on the floor.
“Fine,” he said, new anger in his voice. “When you figure out what you want, call me.”
Grabbing his jacket, he left, slamming the door shut.
For a long time, I continued to stand in the middle of my living room, staring at the closed door. On the one hand, I felt immensely awful for putting him through that while, on the other, I was so incredibly relieved that he was gone that a hint of guilt rose on the horizon of my mind. Life couldn’t just for once be easy, could it?
Feeling exhausted from the events of the day, I went to sleep early. The warm, soft comfort of my bed welcomed me, and I felt my tense muscles relax a little.
However, as it had been for weeks now, sleep was once again restless for me. I tossed and turned, unable to let go of everything that was going on. Again, I heard a voice speaking to me, accompanied by that strange background noise, and when I woke up, I felt as though I hadn’t slept a wink. And on top of everything, I felt nauseous. It wouldn’t surprise me if I got a stomach ulcer from all the stress.
With eyes half-closed I walked to work, wishing I could go back to bed. Annoyingly, Abby was in a dreadfully good mood.
“Hello sunshine,” she greeted me, and I honestly felt like punching her in the face. Apparently, my face told her as much because she backed off and left me alone for a while.
At lunch, she walked into the employees’ lounge, waving a white paper tissue. “Truce?” she asked, smiling.
I beckoned her to sit down.
“That bad?” she asked.
I just nodded. “Pretty much what I’d expected, but that still doesn’t mean I was prepared for it.”
“What did you tell him?”
A chuckle escaped my throat. “Nothing, basically.” I looked at her. “What could I possibly have told him? And believe me, even the truth wouldn’t have helped him. Owen is the last person on earth who would have believed me.”
Abby nodded. “Yeah, he is kind of narrow-minded like that.”
Frowning, I looked at her, shaking my head.
She lifted her hands. “Hey, I didn’t mean that in a bad way. Okay, maybe a little. He’s just different, very different. But he’s not a bad guy. On the contrary, he’s one of the few good ones. It’s just…” She looked me in the eyes. “…he is not the one for you, is he?”
I shook my head. “No, I know he’s not. As far as I remember we will break up in a few weeks any way. So, what’s the point? I’m just wondering if there will be any horrible consequences if I end it before it’s supposed to end. Do you know what I mean?”
Abby frowned at me. “What? You mean like changing something now will somehow affect your future? Like in the movies?”
“Kinda.” I nodded. “But thinking about it, it’s kind of too late to worry about that anyway.”
“Why?”
I couldn’t help but laugh; it was a nervous laughter though. “Because I’ve already done things differently. For one, I told you and Andy what is going on.” I looked at her openly. “So, do you think anything bad will happen now?”
Abby shrugged her shoulders. “You’ve already traveled back and forth?”
I nodded.
“So, you’ve been to a time that from the year we’re in now would be considered the past, right?”
“What are you getting at with this?”
She looked at me intently. “So far, has anything been different than you remember? Do you feel like something you’ve done then has already changed something today?”
I considered that for a while. “I haven’t really noticed anything significant. But you, for example, remember talking to me about all this, don’t you?” She nodded. “See, before you didn’t because it never happened. So, is that already enough of a change to be concerned?”
Leaning back, Abby looked exhausted. “Okay, I think I’m getting a headache.” She started rubbing her temples.
“Welcome to my world,” I said, slouching down on the couch myself.
Our lunch break was over too soon, and we spent the rest of the day going over everything in our heads. I could tell from Abby’s face that she wasn’t able to just shake it off, either. Her eyes were serious, and she wasn’t as talkative and openly chatty as she usually was. I felt a little bad for making her feel this way.
At the end of the day, I was just grabbing my purse and jacket when Abby came running into the employees’ lounge, face flushed with excitement.
“He’s here! He’s here! He’s here!” she practically screamed.
“Where?” I didn’t need to ask who she was talking about.
“At the bar!”
Without hesitating, I rushed into the hallway connecting kitchen and seating area. As I burst through the door–startling a few customers in the process–he was just about to leave.
Almost pushing Leo out of the way, I ran to the door and out of the restaurant, catching my mystery guy a few yards down the street.
“Hey, wait up!” I yelled; and for once he actually did.
He stopped and turned around, looking at me. Again, there was that ghost of a smile on his face.
I only stopped right in front of him, for a moment unable to form a useful sentence. I took a deep breath to collect my thoughts while he waited patiently. “You came back,” I whispered. Then I shook my head, feeling silly. “Of course, you did. That was stupid. You always do. That’s kind of the only thing I can count on with you.”
He was still just looking at me.
“How come you never answer my questions?” I asked. “Why can’t you tell me? It must be important, otherwise you wouldn’t be here. You wouldn’t seem so—”
Suddenly, he moved forward. His hand settled in the back of my neck, and he pulled me closer. The breath caught in my throat as he leaned in, and then his mouth closed over mine.
I felt myself go weak in the knees, and yet, this was more familiar than anything I’d felt in the past few weeks. Without a doubt, I knew that this wasn’t our first kiss. How come I didn’t remember him?
He leaned back then, his eyes searching mine, and as though he’d read my mind, he whispered, “Remember me.”
Then, as quickly as he’d grabbed me, he let go and took a step backward.
I was still a little shaken and tried to control the spinning in my head. “Who are you?” I asked again. “Please tell me. How do I know you?”
But he didn’t say anything, and I finally realized that he never would. If I didn’t figure this out on my own, he wouldn’t tell me. Why, I couldn’t say. Maybe he couldn’t. Whatever the reason, I was once again left without answers.
Only a moment later, he turned away and continued down the street, vanishing around the next corner.
I went home then, and that night for the first time in weeks, I slept peacefully.
Book Five
Chapter Sixteen – Remembering
When my eyes opened after a pleasant night I hadn’t spent tossing and turning, they were quickly drawn to the window. Once again, snow was falling, piling up on the windowsill and the crossbars running through the windowpane. And without another thought, I knew it had happened again.
Looking around, I found myself back in the room of my childhood, in my grandma’s cottage in the woods by the lake. I took a deep breath, trying to steady my nerves. It wouldn’t do me any good if I freaked out. Life was what it was. Even if mine was more than unusual. But just like everyone else, I had no control over the circumstances that kept moving me forward. All that was within my power were the choices I could make. And then and there, I chose to remain calm.
A sudden thought struck me, and I turned to the nightstand to my left.
My eyes found what I’d known they would, and a smile spread over my face. At least, there was a little bit of order in a world that appeared full of arbitrary incidents stringed together.
On my night
stand lay another book. This time it was Jane Austen’s Persuasion, which right away answered the most pressing question that had occurred to me as soon as I’d realized where I was.
Obviously, I wasn’t back in 2004. Back then, it had been Hamlet. And for some reason I couldn’t explain, I was sure that each time had its own book assigned to it. By whom or for what reason was left to be seen.
So this was a new time. But which? Usually my memories returned on their own, here and there jogged by daily life. But I was sure that I already knew everything I needed to know. All I had to do was access that part of my mind.
Slowly taking in all the little details that had changed since I’d last been here, I left my room, came down the stairs and headed for the kitchen. I looked around, expecting not to be alone in the house.
“Grams?” I called, waiting to hear her voice.
However, the moment her name left my lips, it hit me. My knees buckled, and I sank to the floor, feeling a pain in my chest that spread through my whole body. I tried to catch my breath while tears flowed freely down my cheeks.
I remembered now.
My grandma had died over a year ago. It had been sudden, and Andy and I had been devastated. Abby too. But by now, we had learned to live with it. After all, the world wouldn’t stop for us. Everything went its natural course, and so we had tried to move on as well.
Because neither Andy nor I could have borne the thought of selling the home of our childhood, I had moved into my grandma’s cottage. As a writer I was free to work wherever…I was a writer!
My eyes opened wide as another puzzle piece fell into place.
I was working for the same paper where I had started out as a mailroom clerk. I remembered that I had read the book Ryan had given me after all and that I had written the review and that it had been printed. Over the following months, I had been given more such opportunities, and most of them, I had taken and turned into a success. However, I had no doubt that Ryan had had a lot to do with that. He had always been and was still looking out for me.
So many thoughts were flying wildly through my head. Sadness over my grandma’s death, and joy over my professional success. I didn’t know what to deal with first. Or how to deal with it at all. After all, neither one of these thoughts was truly news. It had all happened a while ago. And the me that lived in this time had already had time to get accustomed to the way the world had changed.
Pushing it all away, I decided it was probably best to move along with my normal daily routine. I prepared breakfast, sat down at the table by the window overlooking the driveway and opened the paper I had taken in from the front lawn.
It was January 15, 2013.
I nodded. I had been right after all. 2011 had not been my present. Obviously, I had already lived through events past that year. I had made it to 2013, which again bore the same question. Was 2013 the time that was my actual present? Or was it just masquerading like 2004, 2007, 2008 and 2011 had been?
In the arts section, I found one of my reviews on a new musical, which had only opened a few days ago. I was swept away with pride at seeming my name printed in the paper. It felt like all the years of trying to find my way had finally paid off. This felt right. This was where I belonged. What I was meant to do.
After clearing the table, I went by the calendar in the hallway and stopped. Today, I had noted down Abby Lunch. And another little piece of my past settled into place.
I hurried upstairs and got dressed. It was already late and driving into town would take about an hour or two depending on the conditions of the roads. I felt a little anger rising. It wasn’t like this was the first winter that had ever brought ice and snow and many accidents due to it. But still it seemed impossible for those responsible to act accordingly and prepare for icy roads. Each year, it was like it hit them out of nowhere. As though they had never seen snow or driven down an icy road before.
In the end, it took me almost three hours, but at least I didn’t end up in a ditch or worse in the hospital. So that was an upside.
Walking into the restaurant, Leo greeted me with a big smile. “Jena, so good to see you again. Can I get you anything?”
I shook my head. “Thanks, but I’m just here to steal Abby away. We are supposed to have lunch. Have you seen her?” I asked looking around.
Teeth pressed together, Leo grinned at me. “I just saw her in the employees’ lounge. She mumbled something unintelligible. I don’t know what it was about, but she seemed really annoyed. And you know how she gets when she is like that.”
I nodded. “Thanks for giving me the heads up.” Bracing myself for the upcoming storm, I went looking for Abby. I found her still slouched on the couch in the employees’ lounge, and her face did not bode well.
“Hey there,” I said, trying to sound nonchalant. “Sorry I’m late. The roads are awful. You have no idea.” I sank down on the couch beside her.
As though suddenly waking from a dream she looked at me, startled. “Jena?”
I frowned at her. “Yeah. Why?” I grinned at her. “Expecting someone else?”
Sitting up and brushing the hair out of her face, she put on a smile that didn’t quite seem natural. “No.” She shook her head. “Don’t be silly. What are you doing here?”
Again, my forehead turned into a frown. “What are you talking about? We were supposed to have lunch, remember?”
Her eyes opened wide before she recovered a more natural expression. “Yes, right. I was just…distracted.”
“By what? What happened?”
She just waved her had dismissively. “Nothing. It’s not important.” She smiled at me. “So, what’s going on with you?”
For a moment, I thought about asking her again what was going on, but she seemed a bit overwhelmed and unwilling to talk. So I decided to leave her alone. She’d come to me in her own time.
I took a deep breath. “You won’t believe it,” I said, “but it happened again.”
Now, it was her turn to frown at me. “What happened again?”
I raised my eyebrows at her.
Suddenly, it was like her eyes popped open and she clasped a hand over her open mouth. “Get out!” she said. “I always wondered if it would. It’s been a while since you mentioned anything like that.”
I nodded. “Yeah, I think–at least chronologically speaking–the last time was in 2011.” Suddenly, a new thought occurred to me. “Did I just stop speaking about it? I mean when I left and was dropped in another time. Did you not ask me about it? About what had happened? Did we just drop the subject?”
Abby shrugged. “Well, from my perspective, the future YOU suddenly shows up. You say a bunch of weird stuff about time shifts, that mystery guy of yours and…right, your books and such. Oh, that bookmark, too. And then suddenly from one day to another, you stop. You don’t mention it anymore, and it’s like you’re back to normal. And whenever I asked you, you didn’t know what I was talking about. So, yeah, I dropped it.”
“That’s strange, don’t you think? I mean, it’s not that it’s actually time travel. There are never two of me. It really is more like shifts. Like my life doesn’t follow the chronological order yours does. But at the same time, life seems to go on without me. It’s like there is another me who lives my life for me whenever I’m stuck in some other time. But—”
“There’s another but?” Abby frowned, rubbing her temples.
I nodded. “Believe me, there always is.” Collecting my thoughts, I continued. “But when I am dropped in another part of my life, I always remember what has happened in my life up to that part or even to the furthest I have been forward in time. Does that make any sense?”
Abby looked tired. “Not to me. No.” She shook her head, a faint smile on her lips. “I’m sorry, but this is way over my head.”
I leaned back, feeling exhausted. “Believe me, I’m not following it either. But I feel like I have to if I ever want to find a way to make it stop. I can’t possibly continue leading my life like this.
What kind of a life would that be?”
“A very confusing one,” Abby said.
“I almost feel like I’ve already lived my life, and now I’m just revisiting certain parts. Quite often I feel like all of this looks familiar. Like I’ve seen this before. Done the things I’m doing. Like a deja-vu, but more vague somehow.” I shook my head. “I don’t know.”
“Maybe you should talk to someone,” Abby suggested. “Someone who knows more about these things.”
I chuckled. “What? Like looking for an ad in the yellow pages? For some kind of time travel expert?”
Abby laughed. “Yeah, wouldn’t that be great! But there has to be a way. This world is full of freaks. There’s bound to be one who knows about this, right?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “I still think that the only one who might be of any kind of help is…” I exhaled slowly and again raised my eyebrows at her.
She grinned. “Your mystery guy. Did you see him again?”
“Well, not in this time,” I said. “But before I shifted from 2008.”
Her eyes full of excitement, Abby sat up, looking at me. “So, what’d he say?”
“Remember me,” I said. “And…”
“And?” Abby asked, on the edge of her seat.
An embarrassed smile crossed my face. “And he kissed me.”
Abby jumped up. “Wow! I knew it! What did I tell you? Didn’t I say there was something going on between the two of you? See, I was right!”
I stared at her. “So? What do you want me to do? Admit that you were right?”
She nodded. “That would be a start.”
“I didn’t think you were that petty.”
Abby just shrugged her shoulders. “Well, turns out I am. Nobody’s perfect.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “All right, I admit you were right all along, and I apologize for ever doubting you. There, happy now?”
“I hope that taught you a lesson,” Abby said, leaning back with a superior-looking expression on her face.
