What a mess. For the first time he thought he understood why his mother couldn't talk about his father. The man she'd loved and trusted had turned out to be someone she didn't know at all. Zane thought about his late wife and understood instinctively what she'd gone through.
"What are you going to do?"
His mother's words broke through the fog of his thoughts. "Do about what?"
"Are you going to try to contact your father?"
Zane got to his feet, suddenly restless. "I don't know. I doubt I'd be welcomed with open arms into the family fold." Yet, deep inside he yearned for a chance to meet his father at least one time face to face.
"My sister is a hard woman," Emily said. "She wouldn't like you showing up on her doorstep after all these years. Maybe it would be best for all of us to just leave it alone."
He went to the door and put his hand on the knob but didn't open it. "I'm sorry I made you relive this whole thing, Ma. But I'm glad you told me. As confusing as it all is, I needed to know." He turned the knob and opened the door. "I think I'm going to go for a drive. Maybe it'll clear my head. Don't wait up."
Emily nodded. "All right, but don't be surprised if I'm still awake when you get home. I think it's going to be one of those nights."
* * * *
The intercom buzzed at five minutes after ten. Meg lifted her head from the pillow on the sofa, surprised that she'd fallen asleep. She dragged herself to her feet and answered the intercom.
"Yes?"
"Meg, it's Zane. Can I come up for a few minutes?"
She hesitated and looked down at her old ratty housecoat covering an equally old nightgown. She'd come home from the restaurant, taken a hot bath to soothe her tired muscles, and dressed in her most comfortable--if not elegant--nightwear. Her first instinct was to ask him to wait until she changed, and then suggest they go somewhere besides her small apartment to talk, somewhere where they wouldn't be quite so alone. But there'd been something in his voice that made her put aside that thought.
"Sure, come on up."
A moment later he knocked on her door. His face looked the picture of misery.
Meg's heart caught in her throat. "Did something happen to the baby? Erin?"
Zane took her hand. "No, everything's fine. Tom and Erin are with the baby at my house. Everyone's fine."
Except you, Meg thought. "Then what's wrong?"
He dropped her hand. "Can I come inside?"
"Yes, of course." She stood aside to let him in and he closed the door behind him. He prowled the room restlessly, picking up things and putting them down, walking in circles between her tiny kitchen and the living room. He obviously had a lot on his mind.
She tightened the belt on her old housecoat. "I was about to make some herbal tea. Would you like some?"
"Sure," he answered without enthusiasm.
Meg put the kettle on to boil and brought out her teapot. In a few moments the tea was ready and she carried a tray into the living room. Zane stood in front of a bookshelf lined with pictures of Tom and the Evans family, and looked intently at each one. He gave her a sad smile as she set down the tray.
"These pictures must mean a lot to you."
She came to stand next to him. "They do, but the people in the pictures mean even more. They're my family."
"Family," he said, touching a picture of Joe and Maria. "What makes a family, Meg? Is it blood ties? Look at you and the Evans' family. You're not related by a drop of blood and yet you've created a family together that's closer than most."
"I think the Beatles said it best," she said, hoping to get him to smile. "All you need is love."
His smile, however brief, warmed her to the tips of her worn slippers. "Come sit and have your tea."
He perched on the edge of the sofa, sipping the hot liquid carefully. After a moment he put down his cup and leaned back against the cushions. He touched the scars on his face. "Have you ever wondered how I got these?"
"Yes, I wondered," she answered truthfully. She didn't add that in recent weeks she hardly noticed them at all. They just seemed like a part of him, like the sound of his voice or the color of his eyes.
"I met Anna, Erin's mother, shortly after I came to Winnipeg from Harwood. She was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen. I was working for her father's construction firm. She'd show up from time to time on a construction site, usually to con the old man out of few extra dollars so she could go shopping. Mr. Sloane could never say no.
"Anyway, we started going together. And then I made the biggest mistake of my life. I wanted to sleep with her so I married her."
Meg shook her head. "Was that the only reason you married her? Didn't you love her?"
"I told myself I did," Zane said with a shrug, "but I think I was just deceiving myself. I'd grown up without a father. There was no way I'd take the chance of fathering a child without marriage. A year after we were married, Erin was born. She was the best thing that ever happened to me."
A faraway smile played on his lips. When he didn't say anything for a long time, Meg gently prompted him. "What happened after that?"
Zane's smile faded. "Anna didn't care for being pregnant and she didn't care for being a mother. She gained weight and the baby demanded too much attention. She left Erin with me or her father or a sitter every chance she got. We fought about it constantly. I just wanted her to make a connection with her child.
"One beautiful summer day, Anna showed up at the construction site I was working. She wanted us to go to the beach. I thought, great, I'll take a vacation day and we'll go as a family. Erin was nearly four and she barely knew her mother.
"But Anna didn't want to take Erin. She wanted the two of us to go for the weekend. We argued in the car and she went through a red light. A truck hit us on the driver's side. She was killed instantly. And I got these." He touched the scars on his face, and then turned to look at her, his anguish as evident as the scars. "How can a parent not want her child?"
His face exhibited utter despair, and Meg ached for him. Something had happened to rekindle those old painful memories. She put her hand in his. "This isn't just about Anna is it?"
He sighed. "No. My mother told me tonight that my father is her sister's husband." He told her of the affair his mother had had with her brother-in-law and his painful betrayal. "He never once in all these years tried to contact me. What kind of father is that?"
"I don't know. Perhaps the kind that felt he had no other choice."
Zane made a sound that came out almost like a sob. Meg put her arms around him, trying to absorb his pain. "Maybe he's waiting for you to make the first move."
"If I make the first move and he doesn't want to have anything to do with me..."
Meg caught his meaning. His father's rejection a second time would devastate him.
"I know," she whispered. "You have to do what you think is right." She held him, and hoped she gave him some kind of comfort.
After a long while, Zane pulled out of her embrace and rose to his feet. "I should go. It's late and we both have to work tomorrow."
Meg followed him to the door. "If there's anything I can do, or if you just want to talk, you know where to find me."
He touched her face. "You were the only person I wanted to talk to tonight, the only person I trusted."
"I'm glad you did." She felt honored and humbled by his confidence in her.
"I should go. Goodnight." Zane looked into her eyes before bending his head to kiss her. His lips felt soft against hers, and he exerted only the lightest pressure, as if holding himself back. When he broke the kiss and tried to pull away, Meg stepped closer to him and put her arms around his neck, standing on tiptoe to rest her head against his shoulder. After a moment's hesitation, his arms came around her in a vice-like grip.
She sighed and closed her eyes. It was heaven to be held like this, to feel Zane's strong arms around her and his body pressed against hers. He laid his cheek against her hair and she heard him sigh with what she hop
ed was contentment. What would it be like to have Zane hold her like this everyday? Could she make him happy?
The thought unsettled her and she pulled away. Zane immediately let her go, and then turned to open the apartment door. "I really do have to go now," he said with a smile. "Sleep well, Meg."
"You too, Zane."
She closed the door softly behind him and leaned against it for a moment, thinking of everything he'd shared with her this evening. Zane's struggle to come to terms with his past, both his unhappy marriage and his father's absence, was obviously difficult for him. But at least he was trying to deal with it. Meg closed her eyes. Her solution to dealing with the past was to try to forget it. She wished she had Zane's courage. Could she face the past before it jeopardized her future?
* * * *
Meg parked her old Pontiac across the street from Zane's elegant home and retrieved the bag containing the cookies and the cake she'd baked from the back seat. As she walked up the driveway, she stopped to admire a late blooming chrysanthemum that grew near the front step, its fuchsia blossoms bursting with color. The exuberance of the plant made her smile.
The front door opened and Emily Martin stepped out. "Isn't that a wonderful plant? I thought Zane's garden needed a little color so I picked it up at one of the garden centers. I like a plant that's a bit of a show-off."
Meg smiled. "Me too. I think this was a great choice."
They walked into the house together and Emily took the bags from her. "You didn't have to go to all this trouble," she said. "You're our guest for dinner tonight."
"It's no trouble at all, and I happen to know Erin has a weakness for chocolate chip cookies. Since Tom spends more time here than he does at home, I thought the least I could do was contribute a little food. I know how much he eats."
"Hey, I heard that." Tom walked into the kitchen and kissed her cheek. In his arms he carried his infant daughter, dressed in tiny pink velour overalls with matching booties. "Here Anna, go see Grandma Meg."
Meg accepted the precious little bundle, nuzzling her neck and breathing in her sweet baby scent. "You smell so good I could eat you up, Sunshine."
Tom put his arm around her. "That's because I just gave her a bath. I did it all by myself this time, didn't I Emily?"
"You sure did. We've been having a lot of fun with the baby this week."
"I'm so glad you were able to come and stay with Erin, Emily," Meg said. "She really needs time to rest and get stronger, and Tom's back at school now." She turned to her son. "How's school going? I've hardly seen you this week."
"It's going to be a busy year. I've got a lot of tough classes."
"Just stay focused and you'll be fine."
Tom leaned over Meg's shoulder to touch a finger to his daughter's cheek. A smile of pure love washed over his face. "It's going to be hard. I'd rather be with her than study."
"I know, but it's your job to make a life for this little girl. You're a good student. You can do this."
"Thanks for the pep talk, Mom." Tom grinned and kissed her cheek again. "How are things going at the restaurant? I haven't seen Grandma and Grandpa in a while."
"Things are really busy. Zane invited the whole Evans family over for the barbecue, so you'll see them in a little while. Joe wanted to make sure the new people we've hired can handle things on their own before they come."
"That's great. Grandpa hasn't seen the baby yet."
Zane came in through the back door carrying several grocery bags. He set them on the counter and then came over to kiss baby Anna's cheek. As his head came up he smiled into Meg's eyes, his face so close she could smell the spicy scent of his aftershave. She resisted the urge to bury her face into his neck and just breathe him in like she had the baby.
"Hi," he said softly, still smiling at her.
"Hi." She felt excitement and joy, fear and nervousness all at the same time. Mostly she felt like a schoolgirl falling in love for the first time. She chastised herself for having these crazy feelings for Zane, yet it was getting harder and harder to deny them.
"Is everybody here yet?" he asked.
"Not yet. The Evans family should be by shortly."
"Good." He rubbed his hands together. "We're all ready to go. Ma, I bought some potato salad at the deli and I've got hamburger patties and buns. As soon as everyone comes I'll put the burgers on the barbecue. Tom, there's beer and white wine in the fridge downstairs. Why don't you see who wants a drink? I think it's time to celebrate."
Tom grinned. "Absolutely." He headed for the basement.
"Meg brought dessert," Emily said, as she found room in the fridge for the potato salad.
"I knew I could count on you," he said, smiling. The look in his eyes told her he was talking about more than dessert.
Meg felt her skin flush and her breasts tingle under his scrutiny. Again she tried to warn herself that nothing could come of this attraction she felt. She couldn't let it. She turned her attention to the baby in her arms.
"I think I'll take Anna upstairs and change her." She knew she was being a coward but better that than a fool.
She hid out with the baby upstairs for as long as she could. By the time she ventured downstairs once more, Erin was up from her nap and Joe, Maria, Jane and Chris had arrived. Their presence gave her a boost of confidence. She always felt more secure with her family close by.
Soon everyone was seated for dinner. Over burgers and beers the new baby's arrival was toasted several times. After cake and coffee had been served, Tom rose to his feet.
"I want to thank everyone for coming out today and for making this such a fun time. Thanks to Mom and Zane and Emily for their cooking skills. It means a lot to Erin and me to have the support of our families right now.
"And so while everyone is here, we want to make an announcement. Erin and I are going to get married."
With one hand he reached for Erin's hand and with other he pulled a ring from his pocket. He slipped the ring on her left hand, and kissed her tenderly. Meg felt the tears slip down her cheeks.
"We love each other and we want our family to be together. But we're not getting married right away. As my Mom said, I have to focus on my studies for the next few months. We plan to have a small wedding next summer, but were going to live together until then."
Meg glanced at Zane. She thought he'd be thrilled at this news, but instead he looked pensive. "Where are you planning to live till then?" he asked.
"We thought we'd try to get a little apartment close to the university," Tom said. He squeezed Erin's hand. "We think it's important for the baby, and for us, to be together."
"That's crazy," Zane replied.
Tom stared at him, stunned, as was Meg. He'd been pushing for them to marry for months. What had changed his mind?
"We thought you'd be pleased," said Erin, looking as if she was close to tears.
Zane got to his feet and put his hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry. I'm making a mess of this. I am pleased about the two of you getting married. Tom, I think you're a fine young man and that you'll be a good husband to my daughter. But it's crazy for you to think you have to move out. I've got this big house. There's plenty of room for all of us, and you wouldn't have to worry about rent. We could even fix up a room for Tom to study in. If you think you can stand living here, at least until next summer, I'd love to have you."
Erin looked at Tom. "What do you think?"
"I think it makes sense. The baby's room is already set up and we wouldn't have to worry about rent. That would take a load off my mind."
Erin turned to her father. "Okay Dad, we'll stay. Thank you."
Zane smiled with what Meg thought looked like relief. "That's great."
Joe stood and raised his wine glass. "Here's to the happy couple. Much happiness, love and good grades in the future!"
"Hear, hear." Wine glasses clinked around the table.
Much later, after everyone had left and Tom and Erin had gone upstairs with the baby, Zane, Meg and Emily clea
ned the kitchen. When the final wineglass was dried, Emily hung up her dishtowel.
"Well, I'm beat. I'm going to head upstairs and get a good night's sleep." She took Meg's hand. "I'm heading back to Harwood tomorrow so I probably won't see you for awhile. But I know I can count on you to take good care of Erin and Anna."
Meg was touched by the older woman's confidence in her. "I'll do my best."
"I feel a lot better knowing you'll be dropping by often to look after everyone." She sent a meaningful glance in Zane's direction. "Even Zane needs a little pampering once in a while."
"Ma." Zane's voice carried a warning growl, but his face had colored with embarrassment. Meg smiled, amused that a man as big and strong and gruff as Zane could be embarrassed by his hundred-pound mother.
She kissed Emily's soft cheek. "Have a safe trip home. I hope I'll see you again soon."
"I don't think I could stay away from my great-granddaughter for very long." She kissed her son goodnight and then went up to her room.
Zane opened the patio doors leading to a screened sunroom. "It's a beautiful night. Can I get you a glass of wine?"
Meg thought for a moment. A glass of wine under a beautiful starry sky in the company of a handsome man. It was getting harder and harder to say no to him. But she had no choice. "I can't, but thank you. I should go."
She retrieved her jacket and purse from the front hall closet. "I just wanted to tell you how incredibly generous I thought your offer to the kids was. I think it will help them get started."
"I have to admit," he said, looking a bit sheepish, "I had purely selfish reasons for offering them a place to live. I can't imagine rattling around this house alone. This place is too big for one person. It needs a family."
"Yes." Meg looked into his eyes and for a moment she could have sworn she saw dark-haired, blue-eyed children running up and down the hallways and stairways of the old house. Zane's children. He was such a good father. It was a pity he didn't have more children.
"I really have to go," she said, and yet her feet couldn't seem to move. For one moment she wanted to tell him the truth, to live without the lies that had ruled her life for so long. She hated herself for being a liar. But just as she was opening her mouth to speak, the ramifications of what she was about to do struck her. If she told Zane the truth, it would open up a Pandora's box of events she couldn't control. Her relationships with everyone she loved would change. She panicked, too afraid to speak, and hated herself even more for being such a coward.
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