"There's nothing I'd rather do."
Chapter Thirteen
Meg's hands shook as she unlocked the door to her apartment. She was acutely aware of Zane standing patiently beside her. She was attuned to every breath he took, the ripple of each muscle as he walked into her apartment. Her breath quickened and her body tensed with excited anticipation.
Still, she hesitated. Her stomach gave a nervous flutter as she closed the door. "It's been a really long time for me."
He gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "I understand."
Meg doubted that he could. She wanted him so much, wanted to exorcise the demons of the past, but didn't know if she was capable of a physical relationship with a man after all these years. But she loved Zane enough to try.
She raised her head and looked into his blue eyes. On the surface he appeared calm and patient, but she sensed a fire burning inside. The knowledge that he wanted her excited and frightened her at the same time.
"I have to tell you, I'm a little scared."
"I'd never hurt you, Meg."
She smiled. "I know. It's just... If I don't respond the way you might expect, I don't want you to think it's your fault." How did she make him understand? "I was just a kid when Tommy was born, and some of my sexual experiences weren't all that great."
Zane touched her cheek and smiled. "A lot of first experiences are awkward. But we're older now. We know better."
"That's just it." Meg looked down at her shoes. "I don't know better."
Zane lifted her chin. "Are you telling me you haven't been with anyone since Tommy's father?"
"Yes," she whispered. "There was no one I wanted to be with. Until now."
He stared at her a moment before reaching for her hand. "Come here, Meg."
She stepped into his arms as if she'd been doing it all her life. She felt as if she'd just come home.
Zane held her tightly and buried his face in her hair, but made no move to kiss her or touch her more intimately. She understood he was letting her set the pace. If she wanted him, she had to make the first move. For a second the old fears rose up, making her think for one minute of running.
She pushed the fears away. She trusted Zane and she was tired of running. They both deserved some happiness, even if it was only temporary.
Meg placed gentle kisses along the side of his face and across his closed eyes before tentatively kissing his lips. He stood absolutely still, as if waiting to see what she'd do next. She knew she'd have to prove herself to him, to show him that this time she wouldn't run away or hold anything back. She kissed him again, deepening the kiss, and he began to respond, his body stirring against hers. A moment later he abruptly pushed himself away from her.
"We can't do this, Meg. I don't have any protection with me. I never expected... I should go."
Meg grasped his hand, feeling desperate. "No, please don't go." She wanted to tell him she'd risk it, that she'd throw caution to the winds to have him in her bed, but thought better of it. Even if she was willing to risk an unplanned pregnancy, she knew Zane wasn't.
"There's a pharmacy two blocks away," she said. "It wouldn't take long to pick up a box of condoms. If you hurry."
He grinned. "I can hurry." The grin disappeared and he kneaded her shoulders with his hands. "If you're sure."
"I'm very sure."
"If you change your mind that's okay. Just don't answer the intercom when I come back."
"I'm not going to do that."
"I don't want you to feel obligated."
Meg stepped forward and wrapped her arms around him, pulling him close. Her next move surprised them both. She kissed him, her tongue melding and dancing with his. After a moment she pulled away, breathing hard. "Does that feel like obligation to you?"
"No," he said with a grin. "Not at all."
"Good. Now please go so you can come back quickly."
He backed towards the door. "It won't take me more than ten minutes. Remember what I said."
"I'm not going to shut you out."
Zane said nothing as he slipped from the room. Meg stood in the middle of the floor staring at the door, her body tense with waiting.
Ten minutes went by, and then twenty. Had he decided she wasn't worth the bother?
The intercom sounded and she almost cried with relief as she answered it.
"Meg?" Zane's voice sounded tinny through the intercom but she could still hear his surprise. She ran to the door and flung it open, pulling him into the room and closing the door behind him. He ran his hands up and down her arms.
"Meg, are you sure? We don't have to do this if you don't want to," he asked once again.
"I'm very sure."
His breath came out in a rush as he crushed her against himself. "Thank God."
Meg's laughter mingled with her tears as she kissed him.
"I've wanted you for a long time," he said.
"I know."
She felt she had to let him know what she was feeling, to warn him. "I mean it, I really do want to make love with you, but I'm afraid of disappointing you. I'm afraid that you'll be sorry."
"Meg." He took her hand and kissed the palm, his eyes never leaving her face. "You could never disappoint me."
She lowered her head. "I hope not."
"Look at me, sweetheart." He tipped her chin with one finger, forcing her to look in his eyes. "Whatever happened in the past to either of us doesn't matter anymore. It's just you and me in this room. We're the only two people who matter right now, and we're going to give each other what we can. That's all anyone can ask."
She nodded, a sense of relief flowing through her. Whatever happened, Zane would make it all right.
"Will you kiss me again, Meg?" he asked, his eyes smiling into hers.
She smiled back. "Yes."
She touched his face with her lips, feeling the stubble of his beard against her skin and breathing in the spicy scent of his aftershave. Her kiss was tentative at first, but gradually she grew bolder, her mouth seeking his. His lips felt soft against hers. He let her take her time, not pushing her to do anything she wasn't ready for. She was free to explore, with no fear of censure or shame.
"Is it all right if I touch you, if I unbutton your shirt?"
"Yes." Zane's voice was husky.
She opened the buttons and pushed aside his shirt to reveal a wide expanse of well-muscled chest. Her breathing unsteady, she swallowed, as her hand traveled down his chest to the hard wall of his abdomen. His muscles quivered under her hand and she looked up into his eyes. He smiled, a light sheen of perspiration coating his forehead, and she understood what it cost him to go slow for her. It only made her love him more.
Meg unfastened the buttons at the cuffs and then pushed his shirt off his shoulders and let it fall to the floor. She touched the familiar scar on the back of his right hand. For the first time she saw how the scar traveled all the way up his arm and onto his shoulder. She kissed his shoulder, trying in her own way to heal the wound, and the reason for it. His arms came around her, and he whispered in her ear.
"Can I see you, Meg? Will you let me touch you?"
She closed her eyes, waiting for the old sense of shame to rear its ugly head. But it remained quiet, its power to control quelled by Zane's gentle touch.
Meg smiled. "Yes."
He lifted the hem of her sweater and pulled it over her head.
Meg shook out her hair, smoothing it back into place before looking into his eyes. She saw appreciation for her there, and for the first time in her life she felt truly beautiful.
He placed one hand around her waist while the other cupped her face, his thumb stroking the tender skin just under her eye. Her breath caught as he slid his hand slowly down her neck, then over her shoulder, pausing only briefly to push aside the strap of her bra before continuing the sensuous journey to her breast.
She inhaled sharply when he found her sensitive nipple and caressed it gently through the thin lace of her bra. Her head fell bac
k and she whimpered. She had never felt anything like this before. Tension began to build low in her belly and she strained against his hand, wanting, needing even more. Somewhere in the deep recesses of her conscious she wondered if what she was doing was wrong, if she should feel shamed by her wantonness.
No! This was Zane and she had no reason to feel ashamed.
He pushed aside the other bra strap before reaching around to unhook her bra and toss it on the floor with their other clothes.
Her breasts felt heavy and ached to be touched. Meg took Zane's hand and placed it on her breast. "Please," she said simply, knowing he would understand.
He tested the weight of her breast in his hand, caressing it gently before rolling the nipple between his thumb and forefinger once more.
"Oh God, Zane that feels so good."
He grinned at her and dipped his head to suckle her breast. Her knees buckled beneath her and she would have toppled over if he hadn't picked her up and carried her to the bed, gently placing her in the middle. Meg loved the way he looked at her, as if she were the most beautiful woman in the world. He made her feel so special and she reveled in the feeling. She'd never felt special to anyone before.
Zane stretched out next to her and traced lazy circles across her abdomen and the underside of her breasts. "You have beautiful skin, Meg. It's so soft and smooth, like warm silk. I could touch you all day."
She smiled and reached up to run her fingers through his hair. "I don't think I'd mind that."
"Will you let me see all of you, touch all of you?"
Her smile faltered, and her hand abruptly fell away. A sick knot formed in her stomach and she berated herself for being such an idiot. She had nothing to be afraid of. This was Zane.
"Honey, if you can't, that's okay. We don't have to."
Meg looked into his dark eyes and saw his genuine concern for her. He wouldn't push her, wouldn't make her do anything that frightened her. And that made all the difference. She knew whatever happened between them, it would be her choice.
She chose to give herself to this sometimes gruff, but always caring man. "No, I want to, really. I trust you."
Zane stared at her for a moment before gathering her in his arms and holding her tightly. "Meg," he whispered, his voice choked with emotion. In that one simple word he communicated a world of feelings to her. She knew she was safe.
He unzipped her pants and slowly pushed them down her hips and thighs. The blood pounded in her head as her panties slowly went the same route. But this time she knew it stemmed from excitement rather than fear. Zane stopped for a moment, staring down the length of her, his eyes hot with desire. He quickly stripped off his remaining clothes and joined her on the bed.
"I may be the one disappointing you," he said as he caressed her thigh. "This could be over rather quickly."
"You could never disappoint me," she said, echoing his words.
"I want to make this good for you, Meg, to show you how it can be between us." His eyes were intent on hers and very serious. "I want this to mean something."
Was he telling her he wanted more than just this one night? The thought excited and frightened her simultaneously.
His hand moved up her thigh. "I need to be inside you, Meg. Soon." His face wore a look of tortured pleasure. "Will you let me?"
"Yes."
He sighed in relief and bent his head to her left breast, laving it with his tongue before taking the nipple into his mouth, gently sucking, pulling, biting until she cried out. At the same time his hand palmed her, creating an urgency inside her that she'd never felt before. It was as if she were all nerve endings, each one like an electrical live wire, wild and out of control. She could no longer think, only feel.
Zane trailed kisses across her chest and took the other nipple in his mouth. His fingers searched the folds of her flesh, finding a sensitive spot and massaging it gently. Meg nearly flew off the bed. The sensation was exquisite and the urgency she'd felt earlier rose to a fever pitch. She thrashed against his hand, moaning his name, totally helpless.
Zane's arousal pushed against her hip, and moist heat pooled inside her. The pressure inside kept building, yet she could find no release. But then, Zane slipped a finger inside her and her whole world shattered. She convulsed against his hand and trembled as aftershocks shuddered through her and through her.
When the tremors subsided, Meg lay weak and exhausted, unable to move. Zane kissed her face gently before she felt him leave the bed. She heard the condom package rip and her whole body tensed. She closed her eyes, afraid to look at him. This was the moment she'd feared. No matter how much she cared for Zane, no matter how much pleasure he'd given her, she didn't know if she could push aside her fears, even for him. This moment brought back memories of pain and humiliation.
He straddled her and then bent to kiss her mouth. He seemed to understand her fear. "Don't worry, honey. I won't hurt you, I promise. Just relax."
She nodded and took a deep breath as his erection pushed at the opening to her body. Once more he stroked her with his hands. The urgency she'd thought sated roared to life again. Her body arched, aching to get closer to him.
"You're ready for me, honey," he said, his eyes glazed with desire. "You're so wet for me."
When he pushed against her, she tensed, afraid to let him inside her body. In the next instant he slipped easily into her. She waited for the pain.
There was none.
There was only Zane's welcome weight on her, and the wonderful sense of him filling her. Her eyes opened.
His face was tight with his effort at control. He held himself rigid, his muscles twitching. "You okay?"
She realized that even now, if she said no, he would stop, though it would likely kill him to do so. Meg laughed, feeling a heavy weight lift from her heart, a weight that had kept her prisoner for far too long. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him closer.
"I'm wonderful."
He grinned and kissed her. "Yeah, you are."
Zane began to move inside her. The sensation of his body inside her, surrounding her, filled her with happiness. There was no pain, no fear, only joy. For the first time in her life she felt free.
He slipped a hand between them, finding her sensitive center once more. She cried out his name as she climaxed again, astonished by her body's reaction.
A moment later, Zane found his own release. His body trembled and she held him, never wanting to let him go.
After a few moments his breathing slowed to a normal pace. Meg held him close. She ran her hand over the smooth skin of Zane's back and heard his sigh of contentment. She smiled as she nuzzled his neck and breathed in the musky, male scent of him.
What a gift he'd given her. He'd shown her that sex didn't have to be frightening or painful. Her body still hummed with pleasure. What she hadn't expected was the closeness, the feeling that she could hear his heart speaking to hers. Lying in his arms, their bodies still joined, Meg felt she belonged. This was where she wanted to be for the rest of her life.
"I'm too heavy for you," Zane murmured against her shoulder, "but I can't seem to move."
"I don't mind. You feel good."
Zane kissed her neck. "So do you. But I don't want to hurt you."
He rolled off her and pushed himself to a sitting position. For a moment Meg felt abandoned, until he kissed her bare shoulder and tenderly smoothed the hair from her face. The look in his eyes told her the closeness between them remained.
"I'll be right back." He slid from the bed.
She saw the light go on in the bathroom and assumed he disposed of the condom there. A moment later he crawled back into bed and pulled her to him, her body spooning against his.
"You all right?" he asked, a note of concern in his voice.
"Yes." She turned in his arms, wanting him to look into her eyes and to believe what she had to say. "I've had sex before, but this was the first time anyone's made love to me. I can't tell you how wonderful and amazing tha
t was for me."
She watched his Adam's apple work. "It was amazing for me too." He kissed her and she snuggled against his side, feeling happier than she'd ever remembered feeling before. Before she drifted off to sleep, a little voice sounded in her head, reminding her that this was just one stolen evening together. It could never be anything more, no matter how much she loved Zane.
Chapter Fourteen
Meg stretched to reach a bowl perched on a high shelf in the restaurant's kitchen. Her fingers had just grasped the bowl when she felt a strong arm snake around her waist. She lost her grip on the bowl and it would have smashed to the floor if Zane hadn't grabbed it in time.
"Easy, sweetheart," he said with a smile as he set the bowl on the counter. He kissed her, pulling her close, his desire for her communicating to her through his body.
For a moment Meg almost gave herself over to the passion he could so easily ignite in her. It felt so good to be in his arms, to be wanted so much. But common sense and self-preservation took over. She pulled out of his embrace and looked around to see if anyone had seen them. She noted with relief that the kitchen was empty.
"What are you doing in here? What if someone sees us?"
A flash of surprise crossed his face. "So what if someone does see us? We haven't done anything wrong."
"I know." She looked away, staring at the stainless steel pots and pans that Chris had neatly hung over the grill. Zane took her chin in his hand and made her look at him. His expression was grim. "Are you sorry you slept with me?"
At least this she could answer honestly. "No, I'm not sorry at all. Last night was wonderful. It's just..." She shook her head not knowing how to put her feelings into words.
"What is it?" The tenderness in Zane's eyes gave her confidence.
"I'm just not ready to talk about what happened between us. It's too new. I haven't processed it myself."
"I'm not asking you to take out a full page ad in the newspaper," he said with a grin. "Just to let our families know that we're together now, that we're a couple."
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