Hold Me

by Susan Mallery

  She walked into the store and found everyone there watching the man in the park.

  “What’s going on?” she asked.

  Patience, the owner, shook her head. “Near as we can figure, Ford is trying to perform an ancient Máa-zib fertility ritual.”

  “Oh, right. For the pregnancy bet.”

  Patience started toward the cash register. “You know about the bet?”

  “Yes. Men are so strange.”

  Patience laughed. “They are. Why doesn’t he simply get her pregnant the regular way? With sex? Oh, well. Not my problem. What can I get you?”

  “A large latte to go,” Destiny said automatically, even as part of her brain started keening and rocking back and forth.

  Get pregnant the regular way? With sex? Like the sex she’d had the previous night? Sex with absolutely zero protection?

  She handed over her money and nodded as Patience talked, but Destiny couldn’t do anything but try to keep the spinning world in focus. Her chest was tight, her body cold, and panic began to swallow her whole.

  Pregnant? Pregnant? No and no. She couldn’t be. They’d only done it one time, and she’d been a virgin. Didn’t she get a free pass or something? She’d never been all that interested in biology, but surely she’d read something like that.

  “Destiny?”

  She blinked and saw Patience holding out a to-go cup.

  “Sorry. Too many Long Island Iced Teas last night,” she said with a nervous laugh. “I’m still foggy.”

  Patience nodded knowingly. “I’ve been to that particular party myself.” Her eyes widened. “Were you at The Man Cave? Did you sing? I’d love to hear you sing again.”

  “Next time,” Destiny said, knowing there wasn’t going to be a next time. Not for the singing or the drinking or the sex. When she got restless, she would take up jogging or go split logs. She knew how to split logs, and that would be a whole lot safer than what she’d done the previous night. The worst that would happen with a misplaced ax was she would chop off her foot.

  She called out, “Have a good day,” and hurried toward the exit. She needed to drink her coffee and get her heart rate back to normal.

  Pregnant? There was no possible way.

  Having reassured herself, she sipped her hot coffee and walked toward her office. The day was pretty, and if she ignored the memories crowding in around her, she would be fine. Better than fine. She would be—

  She rounded a corner and ran smack into Kipling. When she started to stagger to the side, he grabbed her by her upper arms and steadied her.

  “I was coming to see you,” he said.

  I was planning on avoiding you. Not that she said that aloud. Instead she managed what she hoped was a friendly, “Oh.”

  They stared at each other.

  His hands were still on her arms, and she could feel the heat of his skin, along with the pressure of each individual finger. He had nice hands, she thought idly. Large and capable. He’d had his hands on her body. He’d seen her naked. OMG, the man had seen her naked.

  A shrill sound built up inside her, but Destiny forced it down. Calm, she told herself. She was calm. Later, she would look up meditation on the internet and start practicing for sure. Because no matter what, she would not turn into her screaming, plate-throwing, emotionally intense parents. One sexual encounter did not a crazy person make. She was stronger than her DNA, stronger than her hormones, stronger than whatever she needed to be stronger than.

  Kipling pulled her toward a bench. She thought about bolting, but knew he would only follow. If they were seen running through town, people would talk, and she really didn’t want the speculation. She sat.

  He settled, angled toward her. His blue eyes were dark with worry and concern.

  “I’m fine,” she told him, hoping to short-circuit the conversation with reassurances. “Completely and totally fine.”

  “I don’t believe you.”

  He looked good, she thought absently. Tired, as if he hadn’t slept much the night before. There were shadows under his eyes. But still, there was something about him. The shape of his mouth, maybe. It was nice, and she’d enjoyed kissing him. Those little neck nibbles had given her goose bumps. And when he’d put his big hands on her breasts and licked her nipples, she’d—

  Stop it!

  She screamed the command in her head. She was a sensible, rational person. Sensible, rational people didn’t think the word nipple at 8:15 in the morning. Ever.

  “I didn’t know if I should call you, or come by,” he admitted. “You shocked the hell out of me last night.”

  She sipped her coffee. Okay, they weren’t not going talk about what had happened. She could deal. They would discuss it and put it behind them.

  “Last night,” she clarified.

  “Yeah, last night. We have to talk about it.”

  Yes, she’d figured that part out herself. “Because of the sex.”

  He stared at her. “It’s more than that, Destiny. You were a virgin. You should have said something.”

  “I didn’t know what to say,” she admitted.

  “How about, ‘Kipling, this is my first time’?”

  “In retrospect, that makes sense,” she admitted, not sure when she would have mentioned the fact. Any sentence with the word virgin in it was going to make things awkward. “I had a lot to drink, and I wasn’t thinking. It all happened so fast.”

  He tensed. “About that,” he began, then paused.

  She waited.

  “I haven’t had a girlfriend in a while. You know...first the accident and then my recovery. I was in the hospital and rehab for months. Then I came here.”

  She sipped her coffee. “I think I knew all that.”

  He rubbed his face. “I’m talking about my performance. It isn’t usually like that.”

  “What part?” It really had happened so fast, she thought. Or maybe it was that it had happened hazy. “The whole thing is kind of a blur, to be honest. I don’t drink very much, but with the singing and all. I just wanted to get lost in the music.”

  He opened his mouth then closed it. “What? What are you talking about?”

  “I’m not sure. I’m sorry you were in the hospital for a long time after you were injured.”

  He swore and stood. “That’s not what I want to talk about.”

  “You’re the one who brought it up.”

  She couldn’t be sure, but she thought maybe he was grinding his teeth together. He swore again, then sat back on the bench.

  “About us having sex,” he began. “I didn’t know you were a virgin. The way you’d talked before, I thought you’d done it, and it hadn’t been very good.”

  “Oh. No, I hadn’t done it. Because of the plan. I was saving myself for marriage.”

  Emotions flashed across his face. She couldn’t read them exactly, but she could tell he wasn’t happy.

  “Just because I didn’t want to have sex with anyone,” she added quickly. “You don’t have to feel bad. It wasn’t for significant spiritual reasons. I just saw what happened all around me. People making really bad decisions because they were having sex or wanted to have sex.”

  “Sex is the root of all evil,” he said.

  “Right!” She smiled. “So waiting made sense. In a way, you’ve done me a favor. Now when I meet the right guy, I don’t have to have an awkward conversation. I mean I’m twenty-eight. It was time.”

  He stared at her for a long time. “You’re more calm than I expected.”

  “I like calm. The highs and lows never end well. Better to stay emotionally steady. It’s easier.”

  “So you’re not upset?”

  “No. It’s odd, I’ll admit. I’m kind of embarrassed. You saw me naked.”

  “You look good naked.”

  The unexpected compliment made her blush and feel a little proud at the same time.

  “Thank you. Um, you do, too.”

  “About what we did last night.”

  She h
eld up her hand to stop him. “I’m okay, Kipling. But I don’t want to talk about it anymore. It happened. Now we move on.”

  “Because you’re still looking for Mr. Sensible? So you can have a nonphysical connection and raise a family?”

  When he put it like that, she felt ridiculous, but she nodded, anyway. Because she’d put a lot of thought into her plan, and she knew she was right.

  He reached for her free hand. “Destiny, last night didn’t go the way I’d planned. I don’t want you thinking that’s all there is. Sexually.”

  She pulled her hand free and stood. “I know. It’s fine. Thank you for worrying. It’s no big deal. I promise. We’ll go on as if this never happened. You’ll see. Just put it out of your mind.”

  * * *

  KIPLING LET DESTINY walk away because he honest to God didn’t know what to say to her. She defined unruffled. He would guess that most women in her situation would be shrieking or crying or threatening him with a knife. She was acting like it was no big deal.

  But it was. It had to be. These days, very few women got to be her age without having had at least one serious boyfriend. And with that kind of relationship came intimacy. But she hadn’t done that. Twenty-four hours ago she’d been a virgin. Now she wasn’t, and it was his fault.

  Talk about a problem that needed fixing, he thought. How was he supposed to make things right?

  He shifted so he could rest his elbows on his thighs and dropped his head to his hands. Maybe it would be better if she was threatening him with a knife. At least he could understand that. But her total acceptance had him baffled.

  Unless it was a facade. But she seemed so sure. Was she fooling herself? If he kept thinking in circles and worrying, was he going to turn into a woman?

  Nearly as horrifying, he’d left her unsatisfied. Now he was the kind of jerk guy he’d been so smug about. And while that problem could be fixed, he wasn’t sure where to start. Or what to say.

  He stood and looked at his watch. He had a meeting with Mayor Marsha in a few minutes to interview another candidate for his second-in-command. Work now, Destiny later, he told himself. Because while she might have accepted what had happened, he was still trying to take it all in. And once he had it figured out, he was going to fix it. All of it.

  He walked to City Hall and took the stairs up to the mayor’s office. Her assistant waved him in.

  “Right on time,” the mayor said, greeting him with a warm smile then gesturing to the chair by her desk. She was dressed in a purple suit and pearls. “Our candidate is filling out some paperwork as we speak. I have a good feeling about her.”

  “The résumé is impressive,” he said, thinking about the file he’d reviewed over the weekend. Cassidy Modene, age thirty-nine. She’d grown up in Wyoming, had worked for the Wyoming State Parks. She trained horses for search and rescue missions, and worked with search and rescue dogs. “She brings more to the table than we’re looking for.”

  Mayor Marsha nodded. “You’re thinking of the horses and the dogs.”

  “I am.”

  “There seems to be some extra grant money, so I thought we might expand our mission statement.”

  He wasn’t sure which comment to address first. The steady influx of money or the dogs and horses. In an era of decreasing funds for local governments, Mayor Marsha had started a new and expensive program. Was there a secret money stash somewhere? Did she have rich benefactors? Or was it best that he not ask?

  As for the dogs and horses, he was interested. “We’ll have more resources,” he said. “I’m not sure how they’ll fit in with the software we have.”

  “I’m sure you can speak to Destiny about it,” the mayor said confidently. “Her company seems to pride itself on providing custom solutions.”

  He chuckled. “Special tracking collars on the dogs?”

  “Something like that.” Her gaze turned speculative. “I assume you wouldn’t have a problem working with a woman.”

  Kipling started to laugh. This time yesterday he would have assured the mayor that he was very good with women. Now he was a whole lot less sure of that. But the older woman wouldn’t want to hear about his personal issues.

  “None at all,” he promised, thinking that as long as he kept things professional, he was fine with women.

  “I thought not.”

  Her assistant knocked once then opened the office door. “Cassidy’s ready if you are.”

  Mayor Marsha stood. “Send her in.”

  Kipling rose and followed the mayor toward the latest potential candidate for his second-in-command job. While he’d studied her résumé, meeting her in person would tell him a lot more about whether or not she would be a good fit.

  Cassidy Modene was about five six with short, spiky blond hair and hazel eyes. She wore a dark blue suit and plain navy pumps. Used to sizing up opponents at a glance, he saw that she was strong and athletic. Not surprising, considering her occupation. She looked capable.

  She shook hands with both of them. She wore a plain gold band on the ring finger of her left hand. As the cuff of her sleeve moved with the motion, he caught sight of a rose tattoo on the inside of her wrist.

  “Mrs. Modene. Thank you so much for coming to see us here in Fool’s Gold,” Mayor Marsha said, leading the way to the sofas in the corner.

  “My pleasure. It’s a nice little town.”

  They all sat. Kipling respected how the mayor had maneuvered them. He was next to her on the sofa, with Cassidy perched on the edge of a club chair. Two against one? He was comfortable with his expertise, but hiring wasn’t it. He’d learned a lot from each of the interviews he’d participated in and knew this one would be no exception.

  The good mayor lulled with seemingly idle chitchat before effortlessly shifting into more meaty conversation. Often with no warning. She’d gotten one apparently excellent candidate to admit he was more interested in time on the slopes than doing his job. Kipling wondered if Cassidy had any similar secrets to spill.

  “You grew up in Wyoming,” Mayor Marsha said.

  “Yes. So I’m used to small towns.” Cassidy flashed a smile. “I’m not sure what I would do in a big city. I like the outdoors.”

  “I noticed the rose on your wrist. Any emotional significance?”

  Cassidy’s eyes darkened. “It’s in honor of my mother.”

  Mayor Marsha didn’t say anything. Kipling thought Cassidy would keep talking to fill the silence, but she didn’t. Score one for the recruit, he thought.

  “Is your husband willing to relocate?” the mayor asked.

  “Jeff’s in his last year of twenty with the navy. He told me he wanted me to find him a nice place for his second act. We’re thinking Fool’s Gold might be it.”

  Mayor Marsha nodded. “Well, then, tell us about your search and rescue dogs.”

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  KIPLING’S KNOWLEDGE ABOUT what went on in a gynecologist’s office could easily fit on a three-by-five card and leave room for a recipe. But he’d made the appointment and now found himself in the offices of Cecilia Galloway, MD.

  The good doctor was probably close to seventy, with short, steel-gray hair and glasses. She was tall, large-boned and when she raised both eyebrows as if asking why he was here, Kipling had no idea what to say.

  “It’s not about me,” he told her.

  “I’m relieved. The last time I examined a man, I was in medical school. While I’m sure none of the parts have changed, I doubt I remember how to take care of them.” Dr. Galloway nodded encouragingly. “How can I help you, Mr. Gilmore?”

  “Kipling. And, ah, I’m here about a friend of mine. She, ah...” He wondered how much he should say. While he was part of the problem, technically Destiny didn’t know he was here, and he had a feeling she wouldn’t approve.

  “I doubt there’s anything you can say that I haven’t heard a dozen times before,” Dr. Galloway assured him. “Just take a deep breath and blurt it out. That’s usually the best way.”


  “Right. I have a friend. And we—” No, that wasn’t right. “The virgin thing,” he began, then wished he hadn’t. “After sex...”

  He cleared his throat and started again. “If you can deflower a virgin, can she be reflowered?”

  The woman sitting across from him blinked. “Excuse me?”

  “Can she be made a virgin again?”

  He had to give her credit. The doctor’s expression barely moved, although he thought he saw the corners of her mouth shift down, as if she didn’t approve of their conversation.

  “How old are you, Mr. Gilmore?”

  “Thirty-two.”

  “Perhaps if you were with more age-appropriate women, this wouldn’t be a problem.”

  “What? No. Shit. Is that what you’re thinking? No. She’s not young. She’s in her late...” He realized he shouldn’t be talking about Destiny in specifics. “She’s not a teenager at all. Not for several years. I’m not into young girls.”

  He stood and walked to the window, then turned back. “Look, it’s not what you think. I didn’t know, okay? She talked about not being interested in sex, and I thought she’d been with a bunch of jerks who never gave her an orgasm. But it turns out she was a virgin. And I hadn’t been with anyone in months. Like almost a year, so it was quick, and there was this barrier, and I tried to stop because I kind of guessed what it was but it was too late and then it was over and...”

  He swallowed. “Can you put it back?”

  Dr. Galloway’s lips were moving for sure, but they didn’t look disapproving anymore. If anything he would say she was trying not to laugh.

  “I see,” she said slowly. “I’m pleased to know you’re not preying on young women.”

  “I’m not. Ever. That’s awful.”

  “Yes, it is. So about your friend. That barrier you felt is the hymen, and while it can be sewn back, I don’t recommend it. From what you said, she hadn’t been avoiding sex for religious reasons. There’s no disapproving family to punish her?”

  “No.”

  “Then let it be. Did you run out on her? Leave her crying?”

  Kipling flinched. “You really hate men, don’t you?”