"What’s so scary about being alone?"
"Who wants to be alone?"
"I’ve been alone for most of my life." She paused. "And I think I’d rather be alone than with someone I don’t love."
Mitch rubbed his face. "I have to go to Ireland," he said finally. "It’s been planned for years, and I want to go."
"And she told you not to go?"
"She doesn’t know I’m going." He avoided her stare. "And I was supposed to see her last night, but I was with the other girl instead."
"Now I get it. You shot yourself in the foot so you wouldn’t have to go to war, but now you’re wondering how you’re going to live with the pain."
"I thought this would be easy. I didn’t go looking for anything. It just happened. Sometimes you should go with the flow and let everything be easy. Right?"
"Flow is irrelevant. The question is what do you want?"
"Is that a rhetorical question?"
"Isn’t it always?"
Mitch stood up. This isn't helping. "I've got to go. Are you going to be alright?"
Miranda nodded. "He's gone. Don't worry. But you... you should fix what you did."
"Um, thanks. Nice to meet you."
Mitch walked back to his car. He didn’t know what he wanted. If he had really wanted Emily, then Kyra wouldn’t have been a temptation. Right? Or maybe he just didn't know what he wanted more. No. He was going to ride this out. Where was the harm?
CHAPTER 12
Emily walked into her Comp. Lit. class on Monday. She really loved this class. She loved the language, political intrigue and ambiguity. And she loved Professor Hazlett, who made her think more deeply and work harder than she had in any class so far.
Emily suppressed a yawn as she greeted her. Professor Hazlett chuckled. "Late night?"
"Slightly. I think I fell asleep around one-thirty this morning."
"Wow!" Drew said as he walked in. "I’m impressed you came to class!"
Professor Hazlett looked at her watch. "As are we all, Mr. Strand."
That day’s lecture was about Iago. She agreed with Professor Hazlett’s theory that he wasn’t a meaninglessly malevolent puppeteer but was instead a tool himself of patrician Venetian society. The rest of the class didn’t like the ramifications of what that meant. Everyone thought it was more interesting to talk about Othello’s possible bipolar disorder or Desdemona’s growing victimization. Those were interesting questions, but, sci-fi buff that she was, she liked the overarching political conspiracy theories much better.
As she packed up to leave, Drew tapped her on the shoulder. "Sorry about Friday."
Emily immediately thought of Mitch. Why would Drew be apologizing for him? Then she thought of Jessie and remembered.
"For being late? Don’t worry about it."
"That, and for you having to play babysitter. Jessie can be a real handful."
She shrugged. "I wasn’t babysitting. I was making a new friend- and eating chocolate cake."
Drew laughed. "Sounds like a birthday party."
"See? It’s all good."
"Speaking of good, how is your final for Comp. Lit. coming along?"
"Done, actually. Cervantes, Shakespeare and the Inquisition. Very exciting. What’s yours about?" She realized all of a sudden that they were having a normal conversation and she wasn’t humoring him.
"I haven’t picked a theme yet."
"Are you kidding me? I hope you’ve got a light load for the rest of your classes."
He smiled sheepishly. "Not exactly."
"Uh, okay. Does anything interest you? From the class?"
"Shakespeare is probably the easiest of all. I mean, easiest to research, and she wants three citations for this, right?"
"At least!"
"So, I don’t know, maybe something about Othello. I’ll check out Wikipedia tonight."
Emily suppressed a shudder. "If that helps you get started."
"It would be really helpful if I could bounce ideas off of someone."
"You’d better hurry if you want Professor Hazlett."
"And I will... but I was hoping you could give me some tips first."
"Oh, brother." Emily sighed. "Alright, on two conditions."
"Name them."
"First, you really are going to do some research tonight and have at least one good idea."
"That can be done."
"And two, you make an appointment to speak to Hazlett by no later than Thursday."
"Consider it done."
"Alrighty then. We’ll go to the library tomorrow after class, ready to work."
Drew stood straight and tall and saluted. "Yes, ma’am!"
"That's right!" She walked out of the class, smiling, to her surprise.
CHAPTER 13
Mitch had been looking forward to Tuesday for the last month. After the late night sessions crafting the bill with Joe and the pledges he’d found to testify about what they’d endured during Rush Week, it was time to deliver his bill up for a vote.
He’d worked on his speech for a week. "I’d be insulting everyone’s intelligence if I didn’t mention right now that I used to be a member of a fraternity, and I’d be lying if I said that didn’t have any influence on this bill. We join organizations like this for the best of reasons, but sometimes we do the most horrible and perverse things in the name of Brotherhood. I’ve seen firsthand what people can do if they feel like no one is watching. There’s no reason for you to believe me, but I hope the speakers we had last week made you think. That is why I humbly ask you to vote in favor of this measure. This is the best tool we have to control people’s abuses."
One of the committee members spontaneously burst into applause, and four others followed.
Of course the bill passed. Joe had lobbied hard for him. But even as Mitch was getting slapped on the shoulder, he couldn’t enjoy it.
Zainab had been glaring at him all night. She shook her head when Joe asked him about his "busy" weekend with Kyra. He could have sworn she was extending the item about the new wing at the Bartolome Library just to take time away from his bill. When he got up to speak, she had a front and center seat. If he had looked at her, he would have forgotten what he was going to say.
The vote was the worst. Ten in favor, zero opposed, one abstention. Guess who abstained?
When Joe asked him about Ireland, Zainab heard. She looked at Mitch like he was something she was glad she hadn’t stepped on. "Have a great trip," she said on her way out. "And don’t rush back," she said as she passed him.
Why did Zainab have to...? He didn't finish that thought. He knew why.
CHAPTER 14
Emily spent the rest of the week studying and writing for her finals the next week. By the time Friday rolled around, she had finished her second paper, memorized her theorems and laws and was ready to go. A little refresher during the week right before the tests, and she would be fine.
On Saturday, Emily reviewed the course descriptions for the classes she needed for the winter quarter. She was looking forward to them, and she felt like she could finally sit back and enjoy, coasting to the end.
As she read the descriptions on the computer, she realized she was holding her breath. She clicked on the links for the required reading. Oh God. Even the used book prices were going to kill her, almost four hundred and fifty dollars. New books were pushing six hundred. She had a pitifully small savings account, much less than the five thousand she'd started with two years ago. She hated having to dip into that for her books, again, when there were other things she was sure to need it for when she graduated. She looked at the little loveseat she slept on. It wasn’t fair.
Her stepfather wasn't around on Sunday. He usually wasn't on the weekends. "Mom, I really need some help with my books this quarter," she blurted out after breakfast.
Her mother didn’t look up from her crossword puzzle. "Sorry, I’m not going to be able to help out."
"It’s over four hundred for books."
"Haven’t you been saving some money?"
She always made it sound as if Emily had a source of income other than her savings. "I was hoping to use what's left of that when I graduate. You know, to get my own place? I’ll be lucky if I have enough for first, last and a deposit. I’ll be lucky if I have any furniture."
"Well, that’s what you’re going to have to use, because I’m afraid I can’t help you."
"I don’t usually ask you for money."
"And that’s good." Now her mother looked up. "Because I don’t charge you for rent or food for that matter."
"Rent?" Emily couldn’t help herself. "I sleep in your office. I cook and I clean."
"Sometimes."
"When I’m not studying."
"And why are you taking so many classes?" Her mother sounded curious. "What’s your rush? If you slowed down, you could get a job and earn more money."
She was in the alternate universe she had inhabited when she was a child. "Because you have made it clear you’re looking for another job," Emily said.
"I haven’t found anything yet," her mother replied.
"But you’d like to. The fact that I’m at the university doesn’t bother you. If you leave before I finish, I’m pretty sure I couldn’t earn enough to stay in school."
"Ever hear of a student loan?"
"Plenty of times. But no one is going to give me that much money without keeping me in debt for a long time afterward. It’s too late for any of the university scholarships."
"Most people take out loans. You’re very lucky that you don’t have to worry about those. A little gratitude might go a long way right now."
"No," Emily said, struggling to control her voice. "I’m lucky that I’ve been able to get so many classes out of the way so quickly. I thought it was important to you that I get my degree."
"Since when is what I want important to you?"
"I’m not sure. But it was when I enrolled. And now it’s important to finish something I started. So I need to power through if I’m going to finish before you might leave. And you’re right. I’m not paying rent, and you do feed me. Thank you for letting me sleep on your couch. But you’re also not paying tuition or taking any loans for me. So why are you giving me such a hard time about a few hundred dollars for these last two quarters?"
"I don’t understand how you cannot appreciate everything I’ve sacrificed for you. If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be in school."
"I won't be in school if you find another job."
"And you can’t bring yourself to say anything to me unless you’re asking for something else. Why don’t you ask your father for the money?"
Her mother always asked about Emily’s father when she wanted to hurt her. "As you know, I haven’t spoken to my father in over two years. I don’t think he’d be open to giving me five hundred dollars or so right now. In fact, he’d probably tell me to ask you, because he took care of me during high school."
"Oh, did he?" Ah, the icy rhetoric. "That’s nothing compared to all of the sacrifices I made for you when you were younger. The long hours working two jobs, not knowing if we were going to have a roof over our heads at the end of the month. Does anyone ever say thank you for that?"
It wasn’t worth pointing out that she hadn’t known whether they would have a place to live or food to eat- and that she had had no control over it. "Did you give your husband a hard time every time he needed money for anything?"
Emily’s mother smiled. "No, but he didn’t have anyone else to help him."
Emily couldn't stop herself. "You’ve taken such good care of him, I’m going to nominate you for Mother of the Year."
"You know what? This isn’t working out."
"What isn’t working out?" Emily knew but she needed to hear her say it.
"Your attitude. I’ve had it. I’ve really had it. You can’t be civil, much less grateful. You think you’ve been wronged? Well, maybe you have, maybe I wasn’t the best mother I could have been. Oh well. You’re not able to get past any of it, so we can’t live like this anymore. You have to go."
"I have to go." She said that so the words could sink in. "Right now?"
"No, I’ll let you stay until the end of the quarter, but then you have to go. You’ll still be able to go to school on my dime, but you can’t stay here anymore."
Emily felt herself leave her body. "Fine." Then she went back to her room and studied some more.
~~~
Mitch had spent that week dividing his time between studying for his finals, working on his law school application and being with Kyra. The studying and the application were nerve-wracking, so he was grateful Kyra wasn’t demanding of his time. She set the boundaries and that was a relief. He was used to being the one who had to back someone away. That never went well, whether through his artless technique or initial bad judgment. He was good about not pushing anyone’s boundaries, so this worked out perfectly. Although...he hadn’t spent one night in her apartment, even if that meant leaving after midnight.
He had three papers and two tests. The professor of Mid-East Poli Sci really wanted to make sure they knew their stuff, so it was one exam and one paper. Although he had been a model student while at his frat and a very good one since then, he had spent quite a bit of time this quarter working on the SGC bill and application and getting ready for Ireland. Therefore, the week and weekend before finals saw a lot of time in the library and late nights once he was home.
He had walked into the library some nights, afraid he might see Emily. Of course he owed her an apology, but he couldn’t deal with that now. He had so much work to do. As luck would have it, he didn’t see her at all. When he needed a mental breather and he walked around and didn’t see her, he realized that she must have been all set for her finals, probably weeks in advance, and hadn’t she said something that night about the Math department? So he was safe, and he could go back to his studying with a bit more ease. Then he would settle back into his chair, and he would realize that not only did that not ease his conscience, but it also didn’t ease his desire to see her.
Between Kyra and studying and writing and worrying about his trip, the five hours of sleep he got were pretty fitful, and his dreams were strange. Many times, he would see Emily as she had been that night. He would touch her face, as he had that night. And he would kiss her. And she would kiss him back, and suddenly they would be at her special place by the river.
He closed his eyes sometimes, as if he could squeeze the memory out. It wasn’t good to think about her when he was awake.
CHAPTER 15
Emily handed her papers in to two of her professors on Monday as soon as she could find them. Professor Hazlett patted her arm. "It was a pleasure to have you in my class. I hope I see you again." By ten-thirty, she had finished the final that had started at ten. She wasn’t allowed to leave for another fifteen minutes, so she checked her work three times before she handed it in. The teacher was annoyed, and then more annoyed when he corrected it and wrote "100%" in front of her. She thanked him for the class too, then walked to the Women’s room in the Kay Center and cried.
This was not the way finals week was supposed to go. This week was supposed to be a triumphant reward for all of the hard work she had put into the quarter. Instead she was going to be homeless by the end of the week. She knew that her mother would relent with just the right amount of groveling, but she would not grovel. She would rather be homeless, destitute and out of school than apologize for asking for help.
Her next two finals were on Wednesday and then her last on Thursday. Emily wiped her tears. That meant that she could devote all of Tuesday to searching for an apartment, and she could scope out leads today. She took a deep breath so that she wouldn’t cry again. She didn’t have enough money to last her three months, much less six. She could get a job, but then she wouldn’t be able to take five classes, and then she wouldn’t be able to graduate in the spring. She felt an even greater urgency than before, because she could barel
y trust that her mother wouldn’t leave the university by then. This was her chance to be done.
It had occurred to Emily that Zainab would happily let her stay with her, but she couldn’t bring herself to call her and tell her why she was going to be homeless. Normal people never understood.
She found a free computer in the library and started to scan the apartment listings. Those that were in her price range were available for about a month, and the rest were either too expensive, way out of Boston, or both. There was one that was cheap and close to school, but it required childcare, which was guaranteed to be impossible with her schedule.
She wandered around campus, trying to figure it out. She had taken out no loans since she had been there. Was there any money still available that she could take now? Who could she ask for money? How many more months did she need to pay for? Six? Could she do something during her breaks? Was there a job she could do on the weekends only? She could always waitress, except that she was a lousy waitress and hostess, having tried once with embarrassing results in high school. It made her miserable that her good grades, her only asset, were meaningless right now. And, by the way, how was she going to pay for the books that had been the issue in the first place when she wasn’t even going to have enough to pay rent?
She was so distracted she almost walked straight into Drew. "Oh, God! I’m sorry, I didn’t even see you."
"I’ve been called irrelevant, but no one has ever called me invisible."
"Um, yeah- I mean, I’m sorry. I’m just in my own little world right now. I’m lucky I didn’t walk into a building instead of you."
"Thinking about running off with Richard's cousin last week?"
Thinking about her new friend made her chuckle. "No, just the usual. Speaking of which, did you hand in your paper?"
The Smartest Girl in the Room Page 8
