Emily didn’t dare say no.
~~~
Zainab’s words rang in Emily’s ears that weekend. Then they mingled with what she’d said to Mitch. Part of her hated Mitch for coming back. Most keenly so when she thought of Drew. Drew wasn’t anyone else's fault, certainly not Mitch’s, but seeing Mitch had reminded her of how different things could have been, if only. If only her mother had cared. If only Emily hadn’t been so desperate and Drew hadn’t been so crazy. If only Mitch hadn’t lied through the same silence he’d promised in. If only.
She was going to die of regret if she lived in If Only. She missed the person she had been before everything had happened, but she wasn’t sure she could be that person again. Maybe she couldn’t. But she didn’t have to be the person who had yelled at Mitch.
Emily got the address to Mitch’s apartment from Zainab. It was only five blocks away from theirs. How convenient, she thought, but stopped herself before she could go on.
She buzzed the door, praying he wouldn’t answer. Before she could turn away, a group of women walked out of the building and held the door for her. "Thanks," she forced herself to say as she walked in.
She went through the lobby and then down the stairs to the basement. His apartment was at the end of the hall. She knocked, pretending she wasn’t really there. She heard some shuffling, and then the door opened.
Mitch had a towel wrapped around his waist and was dripping wet. Emily looked down at the ground. "Sorry." She didn’t want to look at his bare skin.
"Was that you buzzing? Sorry. Please, come in."
"I think I should stay out here."
"Why... oh- let me throw some clothes on." Two minutes later, he had on jeans and a tee shirt. Emily was annoyed with herself for noticing how clean and fresh he looked. She didn't look at his eyes. She was sure they were still bright green.
Just get this over with. "So, I owe you an apology. Once I stopped hanging up on Miranda, she and Zainab did a, well, pretty good job of convincing me that they’re not helping you stalk me. They were annoying this week, but running into you was just a coincidence."
He stared at her. "I, um, sort of have a good reason not to... well, I think you get why I wouldn’t want to see you, but I probably went too far." She looked up at the ceiling. "No, I totally went too far on the quad and I said mean things I shouldn’t have said it doesn’t make me feel better. Things are pretty good now and I don’t have to be so mad. So... I’m sorry." She took a deep breath and nodded. He still didn’t say anything. "Alrighty then. That’s what I came to say. So, Zainab told me you’re going to be starting law school in the fall. Have a great... law school and, well, be seeing you."
"You like The Prisoner!"
Mitch wore the biggest smile she’d ever seen. He looked, she thought, the way a child did when they suddenly understand something confusing. After a moment, Emily smiled too because now everything really was okay. It was all so clear now. Emily never had to feel bad about Mitch again, and she could know with serene calm that everything had turned out for the best. Obviously, Mitch was crazy.
She nodded slowly. "Anyone who is anyone likes The Prisoner. But as long as we’re all set, I’ve got to go, duty calls." She gestured to her backpack.
"I like The Prisoner, too!" He blurted out. Oh my God, Emily thought. How quickly could she escape? "And I have to study too." He grabbed his jacket and backpack before she could say anything. "Okay, let’s go."
Okay- he wasn’t going to imprison her and make her watch old television. "I’m- walking!" That was all she could manage in her bewilderment.
"Then I’ll walk too," he said with a smile.
"Don’t you... have bad knees?"
"I’ll be fine." Sure enough, it seemed like there was a spring in his step.
They walked up Beacon Street to Harvard, and the whole time Mitch happily chatted about his classes. He was taking a light load because he only needed three, and it sounded like two of them were a notch above Basket Weaving. But he was really into his Middle East History class. Emily didn’t say a word other than the occasional "hmm" or "yeah".
Once they were on Washington Street, Mitch started prodding her about her classes and her job. He didn’t know much about the Greek myths, so he asked her to explain about Persephone. Then he remembered some of what he'd learned in grade school and asked questions about other stories and if the characters were related. Emily was pleasantly surprised as Zainab, Jessie and Richard usually passed out if she went on for more than ten minutes.
Once on Huntington, Emily realized she was without a lunch. She put her hand on her growling stomach. "I really need food."
"Let’s go to Whole Foods!" Emily wasn’t sure it was a good idea to have lunch with Mitch, but she couldn’t say why it wasn’t.
He kept smiling throughout lunch, pretty much at anything she said. She ate as quickly as she could. "Thanks for the company, but I’ve really got to go get some work done."
"Yeah, I know. Look at the time." Mitch threw out the containers and then walked with her to the library. "Where do you want to sit?"
"Actually," she said firmly but politely, "I have a room reserved. It’s usually just for the grad students, but I’ve kind of got a special dispensation."
"Oh, and you don’t want a measly undergrad to cramp your style?"
"I don’t want to lose the room," she said slowly.
"No problem. How late are you staying? Maybe I can walk you home?"
"Pretty late," she said.
"Okay. I’ll send you a message when I’m done and see if you’re ready to go." Then he gave a little wave and left.
Emily looked after him. Had she missed something?
CHAPTER 50
Mitch and Emily took the train home that evening. Before she could stop herself, she’d agreed to meet him for lunch the next day. She explained what happened to Zainab when she got home, to the best of her ability.
"He likes you. Maybe he’s just figured out how to do it right this time."
"He walked me to the library. And then we got lunch. But then he went away when I told him to."
"I think that’s called being a nice guy."
"Whatever... I guess."
Emily met Mitch the next day for lunch. She packed her own, and it was much better than what he bought at the cafeteria. He asked her about Drew, and she told him as much as she could while she could act like she was talking about someone who wasn’t her. He looked sympathetic, but he didn’t pry.
They met the next day for lunch. This time she brought him some of what she’d packed Zainab. She just couldn’t sit with him while he ate cafeteria food. He started talking about Kyra, and that provided a moment of clarity for Emily: She didn’t want to know. But she didn’t want to say that, so she sat there and acted like she was someone else again who wasn’t angry or jealous and who could be adult enough to sit through stories about the woman she was dumped for.
The day after he asked her about her mother and for that, she got to be herself.
"Have you spoken to your mom since then?"
"A little bit. She sends me emails I don’t reply to, and then on occasion she’ll get really big pangs of guilt and insist on taking me out to tea. It would be lunch, but the restaurants she likes don’t have a lot for vegans."
"I bet your mom is sorry about how everything turned out."
"I’m sure she is, in that way that she’s sorry about everything. It’s unfortunate but things just happen. She’s sorry but she’s blameless. But then she’s not forgiven."
"What would she have to do to be forgiven?"
"Be sorry. No, scratch that. Just not do it again."
"You mean, change?"
"Mm hmm. That’s why forgiveness is so hard to come by."
"The Holy Grail," he said softly.
"Sorry, not my line of inquiry."
That night she invited him to study with her when the noise got to be particularly loud. It was just supposed to be once, but he was very q
uiet, so she invited him again the next night.
"Emily?" he asked when they were packing up.
"Hmm?"
"What are you doing tomorrow night?"
"Same thing I do every night, Pinky."
"Except tomorrow is Friday."
"And?"
"I was wondering if you wanted to take a study break at some point…in the evening. Around that time we eat the final meal of the day. Would you let me take you to dinner?"
She wanted to stop pretending that she was someone else, but that might be kind of dangerous. Dinner. Where was the harm in that for her or whomever else she decided to be tomorrow?
"Sure," she said casually. "Where?"
"I don’t know." He was smiling. "I was thinking of a couple of places in the North End, but if that’s not okay-"
"That’s fine. I love Italian- I’m sure there’s something I can find."
That night Mitch walked her all the way to her door. He stopped smiling and looked more serious. Emily stepped back. "So, I’ll see you tomorrow!" she said brightly, then ran up her stairs.
Zainab squealed when Emily told her she had a date and gave her a hug. "Finally! See, I told you he was trying to do the right thing."
The right thing? Emily had trouble falling asleep that night as she pondered that statement. Was this the right thing to do? She’d been someone who had been out on a date and had wanted so badly to go on another one. Then she despised him because he deserved it and because she despised everything. Now she was trying to be a better person who wasn’t suspicious and got a glimpse of what she could have had, once upon a time. Was it fair, with all of that going on, to get dinner tomorrow night?
Emily let Zainab sleep in the next morning and left the house quietly. She got off of the train at ICA so she could walk and think, but then tried not to think.
She remembered the night she and Mitch walked through Boston. She remembered never having felt more alive than when he looked at her. She remembered thinking about what he would look like without his shirt on. Then she remembered laughing through a caffeine-induced frenzy and sleeping in his arms on the bench near her special place.
There were the more recent memories, which she realized she’d taken in more fully than she’d thought. His easy laugh, sweet concern and gallant manner. That he’d waited until he was invited to study with her. That he wanted to be with her despite the way she’d screamed at him. That he’d accepted her apology, which she may or may not have meant. That she’d seen him without his shirt and he lived up to expectations. Maybe now it was okay to be the person she really was, because she would really, really like to have dinner with him.
~~~
Mitch wasn’t sure where Emily was going to be at three o’clock. It was just as well, because he didn’t want to crowd her. He could tell, despite her airiness, that it had been a struggle for her to say yes; that despite the time they’d spent together, she still wasn’t sure. The fact that she ran away before he could kiss her was certainly a sign. He didn’t blame her.
He went to Princess Cappuccino to get a little bit of caffeinated courage. He had just gotten his double shot espresso when he felt a tap on his arm. "Mitch?"
Oh no. He knew who it was. Should he ignore her? No, that would be rude. He turned around.
"Hi Kyra."
She still had that beaming smile. "I was hoping I’d find you today. I feel so bad about how things ended."
"What’s important is that they ended."
The pout. "You don’t have to be cruel."
"I’m not trying to be. But you obviously weren’t happy with me either, so it was for the best that we ended it when we did."
"I wish you’d let me explain-"
"It was pretty obvious."
"But it wasn’t everything. I know it was mostly my fault, but I lashed out at you because I was humiliated. I never felt good enough for you and having someone tell me how much they wanted me was like a drug after that."
There was so much to say. No, it wasn’t that she hadn’t been good enough for him; he hadn’t been fair to start seeing her in the first place. And just maybe she’d needed that boost before him. But there wasn’t much to say, because it was over.
"Kyra, don’t feel guilty. I don’t blame you and I’m not mad." He rubbed her upper arm. "It’s time to move on."
Two things registered at once: Kyra put her hand on his, and Emily walked through the café door. It was too much for one man to process at once.
Without saying a word, Emily turned around and walked out.
"Emily!" Mitch ran out, sick to his stomach. He caught up to Emily at the corner. "Wait!"
She turned around. She was blank. "So that was Kyra." It wasn’t a question.
He wished the sidewalk would open. "Yes."
She nodded. "She’s very pretty. And she’s, what, twenty-one, twenty-two? No problem getting into any club she wants, right?"
"I am so-"
"-sorry that I saw you with her?"
"I swear to you, I haven’t seen her since I left Ireland."
She raised her eyebrow. "Sorry I interrupted your reunion."
"I wanted her to feel better so she’d go away. I swear to you."
She nodded again. "I... I don’t know... okay, maybe, you’re not lying this time." She took a deep breath. "But I’m sorry, I don’t think I’m going to be hungry tonight."
"Emily, please."
"You were touching her. And smiling. Just like old times, I’m sure."
It wasn’t going to do any good to tell her that he had smiled more this week than he had in all of those months with Kyra. "I will do anything to convince you that-"
"Yeah, I don’t know." She turned and walked away. He wanted to run after her, but he knew that would make it worse.
Damn it.
CHAPTER 51
Zainab was startled when Emily walked in. "Didn’t you have a date today?"
"Yeah, change of plans," Emily answered in a monotone. "I’ll just make myself scarce so you can do whatever it was you were doing."
Zainab walked over and put her arm around Emily’s waist. "You’ll do no such thing. What happened?"
"I saw him touching Kyra," she blurted out.
Emily paced, sat at the table, paced some more, sat on the couch and paced again while she told Zainab what happened. She knew how stupid it sounded, but Zainab scowled. "Oh, Mitch!"
Zainab sent Richard a text to tell him that she was going to be running late. Emily was pacing again when the door buzzed. "Hello?"
"It’s Miranda!"
Miranda walked through the door twenty seconds later. Emily braced herself for an onslaught of "But he really likes you!" Instead, Miranda had a bag of chips, vegan dip and non-dairy ice cream bars.
"So, anything good on TV tonight?" Miranda asked.
Emily looked at Zainab, then back at Miranda. "How did you know I might want to watch TV tonight?"
Miranda grinned. "Richard." She tilted her head. "Don’t be mad, okay? He knows I like hanging out with you."
Emily sighed. "Well, how about you just hang out with me and we let Ms. Oginabe-Kensit go?"
"Hey!" Zainab exclaimed. "I can decide for myself whether I want to hang out with my boyfriend or my best friend."
Miranda lowered her chin. "If I told you he’s downstairs would that make it easier?"
Zainab looked at Emily. "Go!" Emily said, pointing her thumb at the door. "And don’t come home too early."
"If you insist," Zainab grinned. She pointed to Miranda. "But you’d better look out for my girl, alright?"
"You’ve got it!" Miranda said as the door closed.
As soon as Emily was sure Zainab was gone, she turned to Miranda. "Okay, you’re free to go too. Just leave a few ice cream bars."
Miranda put her hands on her hips. "No way! Love my snacks, love me. Come on, let’s watch some sci-fi or a documentary."
Emily wrinkled her nose after a moment. "Let’s watch some Bond."
Miranda ripped open the chips. "At last, someone who understands me."
Emily and Miranda were in agreement that, for all of his flaws, Connery was still the best Bond. Emily was partial to Daniel Craig as a runner up, but Miranda liked Pierce Brosnan.
Miranda snickered as Emily explained that Jack Lord, who originated the role of Felix Leiter, was actually the person they really wanted to play Captain Kirk and this was part of why Doctor No was the best Bond ever.
Miranda giggled. "So you’re not allowed to like him just because he’s really hot?"
"You think Jack Lord is hot?"
"Well, how about really handsome?"
Emily grinned. "Sorry, I’m too overwhelmed by Connery to be impressed."
"That’s why God invented Hawaii Five-O."
"Oh my God, do you watch that?"
"Would you believe this isn’t the first time I’ve watched old television?"
Emily grabbed bars for the two of them. "I sort of would. You seem like when you’re not in class you’d be at some swanky fundraiser or something."
Miranda shrugged. "Yes, I’ve had to go to a few of those, but this is more fun."
"Wow," Emily said. "Those things much stink."
Miranda rolled her eyes. "Just sit down and watch the movie."
CHAPTER 52
Mitch texted Emily every day.
You know I’m not with Kyra.
You know there’s nothing going on.
I didn’t do anything.
When are you going to stop being mad at me?
Emily always agreed. She even apologized for being so harsh. But Mitch never said what she really wanted to hear, and that was that she was the only one he was thinking of and that there wasn’t anyone else. So she couldn’t say, "Fine, let’s start over."
On Tuesday night Miranda gave her a ride home. Zainab was there when they got in.
Emily put her bags down. "Yes?"
"I think we should have a dinner party on Friday."
The Smartest Girl in the Room Page 22
