by Sk Quinn
I laugh. ‘Lala, you don’t need to worry about me and Danny. We’re adults okay? How long have you been pressuring yourself like this?’
‘Since I started here,’ says Wila quietly.
‘Oh Lala.’ I hug her tighter. ‘Well that stops right now. Okay? Forget about me and Danny. Let’s think about you. What do you want?’
‘I want to carry on dancing,’ says Wila. ‘But I can’t now can I? It’s completely hopeless. I’m so … I feel so stupid. How could I let this happen?’
‘Well. I suppose it happened the usual way,’ I say, with a little smile. ‘Nobody’s perfect Lala. We all make mistakes. Especially when you’re young. So do you want to tell me about it?’
‘About what? Being pregnant?’
‘No. About how it happened.’
Wila goes silent.
‘Lala?’
‘You’ll be so angry.’
‘I won’t Lala. I could never be angry at you when you’re upset like this. Just tell me.’
Wila lets out a long sigh. ‘I’m so ashamed.’
‘You have nothing to be ashamed of. Ever. Okay?’
‘You don’t know what I’m about to say.’
‘Just spit it out. Come on. You’re making me worry.’
Wila chews her lip.
‘I didn’t even know you had a boyfriend,’ I say.
Wila laughs, but it’s a sad laugh. ‘I don’t. I was stupid. Everyone told me …’
‘Told you what?’
‘That he was married.’
My eyes widen. ‘And is he?’
Wila nods.
‘Who is he?’ I ask, trying to keep my voice even, but secretly thinking I’m going to beat the shit out of the guy. ‘Do I know him?’
‘Sort of. It’s Mr Farrow. My dance teacher.’
64
‘Oh god.’
I’ve met Mr Farrow before at Wila’s parent’s evening. He has grey hair for Christ sake. I mean he’s like forty. What’s he doing with a sixteen-year-old girl?
Wila shrugs. ‘I liked him. At least, until yesterday.’
‘What happened yesterday?’
‘I told him I was pregnant.’
‘What did he say?’
‘He freaked out. Said his wife couldn’t know. Told me to get rid of it. Called me every name under the sun. Then he said it couldn’t be his. But I know it is. I’ve never slept with anyone else.’
‘Did he use protection?’ I ask.
Wila shakes her head. ‘He drove me places. At first it was just kissing and stuff. But when we … you know … everything changed. It was like he didn’t care whether I liked it.’ Wila sniffs and shakes her head. ‘And I didn’t like it. Not at all. I don’t know how anyone can. It hurts.’
‘It shouldn’t hurt,’ I say.
‘I thought he’d be happy about the baby,’ says Wila. ‘He was always talking about leaving his wife. I thought we were sort of a couple. I mean not in the usual way. But … I never thought he’d freak out about me being pregnant. Not in a million years.’
‘I wish you’d told me you were seeing him,’ I say, ‘I could have told you exactly what would happen.’
Wila puts a hand on my arm. ‘Please Pheeny. Don’t do anything will you? I don’t want anyone to know. I’m so ashamed.’
‘Lala, he’s the one who should be ashamed.’
‘Maybe, but that doesn’t change the way I feel.’
‘Okay. Let’s forget about him for a minute. Let’s focus on you. You can still stay at school for a while—’
Wila shakes her head. ‘Not if I’m pregnant. Not here. They don’t want the school looking bad. What would all the fee-paying parents think?’
‘Who cares what they think?’
‘The headmistress does. She threw a girl out last year for getting her nose pierced. There’s no way she’d let a pregnant girl stay. Not even for a few months. Of course, I could always …’
‘What?’
‘I mean, I could have an abortion. Couldn’t I?’
‘You could. If you wanted to. Is that what you really want?’
Wila hesitates. Then she slumps down on the little bench. ‘It’s the only way out of this, isn’t it?’
‘No.’
‘What else can I do? I can’t look after a baby. Mr Farrow won’t stand by me. He won’t even admit it’s his. I can’t stay at school if I have it. Oh god, it’s such a mess.’ She puts her head in her hands.
‘Wila there are ways around everything. I can help you. Mum raised us without our dads around—’
‘And I don’t want that for my baby,’ says Wila. ‘That’s the last thing I want.’
‘I get it. I do. But … do you really want to have an abortion?’
Wila looks up at me with her big blue eyes. ‘No. Not really. But it would solve a lot of problems.’
I swallow. ‘It’s your choice Lala. I’ll support you whatever you do. Okay? But don’t think that your life will be ruined if you have a baby. I’ll help you. Whatever you choose it’ll be okay.’
I sit next to her and Wila puts her head in my lap. I stroke her hair.
‘You’re the best big sister in the world.’
‘And you’re the best little sister.’ I sigh. ‘I wish you’d let me go talk to this teacher of yours.’
‘Please don’t.’
‘Okay, okay.’ I stroke her hair some more.
‘I’m so sorry,’ says Wila.
‘Don’t be sorry,’ I say. ‘This is just life. We’ll get through it okay? We always do.’
‘It’s okay for you,’ says Wila, sitting up and managing a little smile. ‘I mean you’re dating Lord Patrick Mansfield.’
‘Oh, I don’t know about that,’ I say.
‘Have you broken up?’ Wila’s eyes widen.
‘I don’t know. Things are weird right now. In lots of ways. Listen, you go back to the common room okay? Just act normal. Don’t tell anyone that you’re pregnant.’
‘I think some of the girls have guessed. I mean I’m eating like a horse—’
‘Well guessing isn’t the same as being told. Don’t tell anyone. Just carry on as usual until you make your mind up about what you want to do. Okay?’
Wila nods. ‘Okay. Where will you be?’
‘I’ll go sleep on the boat tonight. And come see you tomorrow.’
‘You’re not going back to Scotland?’
‘Not just yet.’
‘Thanks Pheeny. It makes me feel so much better to know you’re here.’
‘I’m glad. Okay. You go back to your common room, before anyone works out something’s wrong. I’ll go back to the boat. Talk to Danny. We’ll meet up again tomorrow, okay?’
65
I don’t want to park Grey’s car in Camden Town. It’ll probably have its wheels torn off. So I leave it at Wila’s school and hop on the tube.
Camden is as crazy as ever. Crowds of people everywhere and the coolest, craziest shops you’ll ever see.
I thought I’d be happy to be in all the noise and chaos again, but … it feels sort of overcrowded. And dirty.
I reach the market and see Tony puffing on a spliff.
‘Sera!’ he calls out. ‘Heard you got a job up in Scotland. What happened? Did it fall through?’
‘Not yet,’ I say with a smile.
‘So why are you back?’
‘Wila needs me.’
‘You look good girl. That country air must have done you good. Danny’s back there.’ He throws a thumb at the back of the market. ‘He’ll be happy to see you. He hasn’t had a good day.’
‘Oh?’
‘I’ll let him tell you.’ Tony gives me a yellow smile.
‘Um … okay,’ I say, heading past him. ‘Thanks.’
My brother is behind his market stall, looking paler than usual. He gives a weak smile when he sees me.
‘Well, well, well. The traveller returns. You’re looking well, sis. How was jock land?’
‘Good,’ I sa
y. ‘Tony said you had a bad day.’
‘That gobshite.’
‘He was only chatting Dan.’
‘He should chat about someone else.’
‘So what’s up?’
‘Oh just … a deal didn’t go through right, that’s all. It’ll be fine.’
‘You don’t look very happy.’
‘Nothing a few drinks won’t cure.’
‘Then let’s go for one,’ I say. ‘I could definitely do with a drink and I need to talk to you.’
‘Money?’ Danny asks, putting his hands on his cash belt.
‘No. Wila.’
‘Is she okay?’ Danny steps out from his stall and pulls down the wooden front.
‘Blooming.’
‘Oh Christ. Tell me she isn’t.’
‘She is.’
‘Who did it? I’ll kill the bastard.’
‘Oh god, don’t even ask that until you’ve had a drink.’
66
We head to the Nag’s Head.
I stand for a moment in the doorway.
It’s weird. I haven’t been away long at all and yet it all looks different.
The wonky wooden stage I’ve sung on looks grimy and unloved. In fact, the whole pub is kind of depressing.
‘Did I ever used to drink here?’ I murmur.
‘Yes you did,’ says Danny. ‘What’s the matter? Did you get too used to the castle?’
I laugh. ‘Maybe.’
‘And what about Lord what’s his name?’
I blush. ‘How did you know about that?’
‘Wila told me all about him,’ says Danny, with his wonky half smile. ‘Couldn’t stop talking about him actually. Said he took you both out to dinner. Some posh place. And even though he’s very handsome he’s also very down to earth.’
‘Maybe she should do his press releases.’
‘Seriously though. Is he all right? A good bloke?’
I feel my voice go quiet. ‘Better than all right,’ I admit. ‘I love him.’
‘My little sister all loved up. Should I pencil in a date?’
‘Definitely not right now. Things are … strange.’
‘Do you want me to duff him up for you?’ says Danny, putting up mock fisty cuffs. ‘I recon I could take him if I fight dirty. I mean, I may not have been in the Olympics—’
I laugh again. ‘It’s Wila we should be worrying about.’
‘I need a drink before we go there.’ Danny walks up to the bar. ‘Fred! The usual mate.’
A huge bald man with arms like tree trunks grabs two pint glasses. ‘Danny. Sezza.’
‘Hiya Fred,’ I say. ‘How have you been?’
‘Same as yesterday.’
‘I didn’t see you yesterday.’
‘Didn’t you?’ Fred scratches his head. ‘Weren’t you singing yesterday?’
‘No.’ Poor old Fred. Too many pints and too many fights mean he can’t remember one day from the next. But he never forgets a face or what his regulars drink.
‘Well,’ says Fred. ‘Good to see you love. Right. Two usuals for the Harper clan. Weekday usual or Friday night usual?’
‘Friday night,’ says Danny, handing over a twenty-pound note.
Fred pours two pints of Guinness and two shots of tequila.
Danny and I take our pints, drink a big sip and then pour shots of tequila into the beer.
We sit on stools and Danny downs half his pint.
‘Right,’ says Danny. ‘That’s better. Now tell me about Wila. Who is the bastard and where can I find him?’
‘She begged me not to do anything,’ I say. ‘So if I tell you, you have to promise the same. Okay?’
‘Do I have to?’
‘Yes.’
‘Fine. Fine, tell me.’
‘It’s her dance teacher. He’s in his forties and he’s married.’
Danny jumps off the stool. ‘Fucking hell. I’ll kill him.’
Fred leans over the bar. ‘I wouldn’t if I were you Danny,’ he whispers. ‘He’s got friends that bloke.’
Danny shakes his head. ‘Not Ray, mate. We’re talking about someone else.’
‘Ray?’ I grip my drink. ‘You don’t mean … Danny, please tell me you haven’t fallen out with Ray King.’
‘Maybe a little bit.’
‘Danny!’ I put my head in my hands.
‘He sold me a load of dodgy gear! So I didn’t pay him and now he’s got his knickers in a twist.’
‘You shouldn’t have been trading with him in the first place.’
‘I don’t know what you’ve got against the bloke,’ says Danny. ‘He gave you a job. What’s your problem with him?’
‘You don’t want to know.’
‘I don’t tell you how to live your life—’
‘God Danny. He hurts people.’
‘Did he hurt you?’
‘No he didn’t hurt me.’ I look at the floor.
‘That’s what you always say. So why do you hate him so much?’
‘He’s an arsehole Danny. Everyone knows it.’
‘Okay, calm down. Look it’ll get sorted. But the bloke owes me a big apology.’
‘Ray King will never apologise to you. Ever. He’s a mad man. Look, just do whatever you need to do to make peace and walk away.’
‘It’s being sorted,’ says Danny, taking another swig of beer. ‘Anyway. Tell me about little sis.’
‘Oh. Well. She’s … scared. Who wouldn’t be? You were terrified when you found out you were going to be a dad.’
‘Is she going to keep it?’
I shrug. ‘I don’t know.’
‘It would be better if she didn’t. Don’t you think?’
‘Maybe. But … in another way, no. I’ll help her. We both will, won’t we? If she decides to keep it.’
‘Course I will,’ says Danny. ‘Any way I can.’ He checks his watch. ‘Look I’ve got a bit of business to be sorting.’
‘Danny—’
‘Look, you don’t want me to beat up this bastard who knocked my little sister up, right?’
‘Yes.’
‘Then don’t tell me how to live my life.’
‘Nice.’ I take a large sip of beer. ‘My own brother blackmailing me.’
‘Oh come on. I don’t want you getting in the middle of this. You’re right. Ray King is a mad man. I don’t want your card marked too.’
‘Fucking hell Danny. How did you end up getting your card marked?’
67
‘Stupidity,’ says Danny.
‘Nice that you’re honest for once,’ I say.
‘One week up north in some big posh castle and you forget that some of us have livings to make. What does this bloke of yours do anyway? Sit and eat bonbons all day while the butler dusts the silver?’
‘He’s not like that. You’d like him if you ever got to meet him. He doesn’t even like being in the castle. He prefers being outdoors.’
‘Look I’d better go.’ Danny gulps down the last of his pint. ‘I’ll come see you on the boat later. All right?’
‘Okay.’
‘Take care sis. It’ll be all right with Wila. Worse things have happened to this family. I mean she could have got herself hooked on something or moved in with some dodgy bloke.’
‘I know. But still … I’m worried about her. It’s such a hard decision for someone her age. I just hope she makes the right one.’
‘What do you want her to do?’
‘What do you think?’
‘Keep the baby,’ says Danny, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his donkey jacket. ‘What is it with women and babies? They make you go all soppy.’
I laugh. ‘You’re one to talk. You’ve got a picture of Jacob as your screensaver.’
‘Well he’s my little lad isn’t he?’
‘So what do you want Wila to do then?’ I say, knowing the answer.
‘Same as you. But I’ll stand by her whatever she wants.’
‘Me too.’
6
8
It’s dark by the time I reach the boat. Dark and cold. I’d forgotten how damp it felt on the water.
I give a little shiver as I unlock the door. I screw up my nose too.
Yuck. It smells so old in here. Like the bottom of a pond.
I’m about to go start a fire when I notice a shadow in the corner.
I shriek and back towards the door.
‘So this is your old home?’ says the shadow.
Oh thank god.
It’s Patrick.
‘You scared me,’ I say.
Patrick’s large body moves out of the shadows. ‘You should be scared coming to this boat alone. It’s no place for a woman.’
‘What are you doing here?’ I ask, a little in shock.
‘I told you I’d send someone to keep an eye on you.’
I feel my eyebrow creeping up. ‘And that someone is you?’
‘I can’t think of anyone better. Can you?’
‘No,’ I admit. ‘It’s good to see you.’
‘It’s good to see you too.’
‘Have you spoken to Grey?’
‘Yes.’
‘And?’
‘And he’s explained everything to my satisfaction.’
‘Would you mind sharing?’
‘I will. But not right now. What I will say is that I trust Grey with my life. And I always will.’
‘Patrick … are you sure about that? Today was strange. I felt scared. Maybe I was being paranoid. Maybe there was a party and we just got there early. It was just … it didn’t feel right. The way Grey was acting …’
‘My instincts have never steered me wrong so far. And they tell me that as far as Grey is concerned there’s nothing to worry about.’
‘But—’
‘Trust me on this Seraphina.’ Patrick comes closer.
Suddenly I’m horribly embarrassed to have him in my crappy, tumbledown boat.
‘How long have you been here?’ I ask.
‘Not long. Before that I was watching you.’
‘How? When? You were watching me when I was with my brother?’
Patrick pulls me into his arms. ‘Yes.’
‘You must have been a pretty lethal soldier.’
‘I was.’
‘I didn’t want you to see where I live,’ I admit.
‘Lived,’ Patrick corrects.
‘I still live with you do I?’ I ask. ‘Are you sure you don’t want your cousin to move in instead?’
