‘Don’t,’ I said, annoyed with myself. ‘Don’t worry. We won’t send you away, for gods’ sake.’
She gave me a grateful look. ‘It was easier not speaking. I had some peace.’
She passed me another stone, a good flat one. Drawing back my hand, I skimmed it across the loch surface.
‘I could think it over,’ she said. ‘You know? Think about what happened.’
‘Think it over, and over, and over?’ I said. ‘That’s not good.’
‘No.’ She contradicted me for the first time; I was surprised and pleased. ‘It was good. I had to think about what he did. I had to go over and over it until I believed it.’
I remembered. ‘Your stepfather?’
‘My mother’s husband.’
‘Why did he denounce you? What did you do?’
‘Do?’ Bitterness tinged her regained voice. ‘It’s what I wouldn’t do. After my mother died. Do you see?’
Astonishing, the power of the bolt of rage that went through my guts. For an instant I couldn’t breathe.
‘I see,’ I said. My fingers were trembling as I touched her lips. They weren’t so pale any more, the ride and the fresh air had coloured her face with life. Yes, she was pretty. That pretty girl from Balchattan.
I let my finger drift to the corner of her mouth, and as her lips parted I felt rather than heard her small intake of breath. I kissed her.
For seconds her mouth was soft, and she was answering my kiss, and then her hands came up and pushed me away.
We stared at one another. Her throat convulsed as she swallowed, and she bit her lip hard again. Resentment coursed through me.
‘Seth, I…’
‘Please don’t bother to explain,’ I said icily. ‘You’re in love with my brother. It happens.’ In a savage undertone I added, ‘A lot.’
She stood up so fast she almost fell. I’d never imagined my unwanted protector could look so utterly furious, not with my enemies but with me.
She managed not to shout, though I knew she wanted to. She had to hiss her indignation through clenched teeth.
‘Why would I be in love with your brother?’
‘Well, I…’
‘A woman can admire a man without being in love with him,’ she told me acidly. ‘A woman can be grateful to a man, and think he’s a good and brave and decent human being, without being in love with him.’
‘Oh,’ I said, lamely.
‘And you know the trouble? Say there’s a much less perfect man, bitter and angry and resentful. Say he’s not a very good human being because he’s so full of hate. Well, the sad thing is, she can still be in love with him.’
I didn’t know what to say. It was hardly a declaration of undying admiration. But I was pleased that at least she was calling me a man.
‘Haven’t you got anything to say to me?’ Her thin clenched fists were on her hips.
‘Um,’ I said. I could feel how wide my eyes were. ‘I’m sorry?’
That shut her up. She sat back down beside me and stared fixedly at the loch, as if embarrassed by her outburst.
‘Conal said,’ she cleared her throat, ‘he said he was going to cut my throat.’
‘Yes,’ I said, ‘he was. You wouldn’t have known. Or barely.’
‘And he said when he couldn’t, you were going to shoot me.’
‘Yes.’
‘Well,’ she said after a moment’s thought. ‘Thank you.’
‘What you said before.’ I couldn’t look at her. ‘Did you mean that?’
‘I’m like you,’ she said. ‘I don’t say things I don’t mean.’
‘You do know a lot about me, don’t you?’
‘That’s your own fault.’ Her lips twitched. ‘You came into my head that time, remember? It was such a shock. I never felt anything like it.’
I blinked, speechless.
‘You must have known,’ she said, trying not to laugh at my discomfort. ‘You must have known I’d see as much of you as you did of me. I take it you just forgot. Or did you think a full-mortal wouldn’t have it in her to see you?’
Rolling my eyes, I laughed. I reached out to touch her face again, but she flinched.
‘Catriona,’ I said. ‘What is it? I thought you…’
‘I don’t want to sin,’ she muttered swiftly.
‘You don’t want to what?’
‘I don’t want to sin!’ she snapped, and her eyes glittered. ‘Not again!’
‘What?’ I froze.
‘See?’ Folding her arms, she hugged herself, rocking slightly back and forth. ‘You see? I thought it might matter to you and I was right. I’m not pure. Men do mind that, don’t they? I don’t want you to be angry but I can’t lie to you. I’m not a vir…’
‘Who took it?’ I barked.
Swiftly she drew away, tightening her arms around her body. She wore her dignity like battered armour. ‘I’m sorry, but you see now? I tried to stop it, that’s the truth. I tried but I…’
‘Your stepfather?’ I said. ‘Or the guards?’
Her teeth gnawed at her lip again.
The pretty girl from Balchattan. She was awful pretty …
‘The guards,’ I guessed.
‘Yes.’
‘So how,’ I hissed, ‘was it your sin?’
She stared at me with such incomprehension I wanted to slap her. Instead I found myself touching her cheek with my palm, slipping my fingers into her rough crop of hair to stroke it gently. She was as tense as a deer ready to flee, but she didn’t pull away.
‘Love isn’t sin.’ I was almost choking on my anger but I thought, if I show it she’ll run and she’ll never come back. I stroked her hair rhythmically. ‘Sin? Love is what’s holy! Being mortal and knowing we’re going to die and loving in the face of it anyway. I wish there was a hell for that priest who tried to burn you but there isn’t, Catriona, and the only hell for you and me is letting his kind scare us out of loving. He’s rotting in the ground and so will we. The worms are eating him and one day they’ll eat us, if some kind soul doesn’t give us to the raptors. The worms will inherit us, and they’ll inherit the earth as well. Love while you can.’
I fell silent. I don’t think I’ve ever got so many words out at once, and blood warmed my neck and cheeks. She must have thought I was insane.
Apparently not, though. She unwrapped her arms from her body and leaned towards me, touching my lips with her own fingers. I made an involuntary sound in my throat, helpless to stop myself taking her fingers gently into my mouth and tasting her skin. Then she kissed me.
When we drew apart I linked her fingers with mine. ‘Is it too soon?’
She shook her head.
I said, ‘I won’t hurt you.’
‘I know.’
We spread the thin blanket where the blaeberry scrub was dense and soft, and the sun could warm our naked skin, and I showed her the difference between violence and love.
29
My brother was back in the great hall the next evening, gaunt and still haunted, but well enough to have a go at me. I avoided him for a couple of hours: easy enough, since he was surrounded by his captains, by adoring women (and some men), and one particular smitten girl.
Girl. He had noticed Eili was almost a woman: that was obvious to me. He flushed now when her eyes lingered too long on his, but on the rare occasions she looked away, his own gaze was drawn helplessly to her. I knew I was over her because it made me laugh. Poor Conal: I knew he’d fight it, because he wasn’t used to thinking of her as a grown Sithe, but I knew that in the end he’d lose. And poor Eili: he wouldn’t touch her till she was twenty, and probably not for a long time after. She had at least three years of frustrated, infatuated chastity ahead of her.
Not a problem for me, I thought smugly.
Catriona stayed close to me, which I didn’t mind now, but I grew tired of Sionnach giving me meaningful looks, Eili an occasional disbelieving one, and Feorag making lewd whisky-fuelled jokes about full-mortals and What Th
ey Say About Quiet Ones. Orach was cool with me and I with her; she had returned from her patrol to find me sleeping with the full-mortal girl, and we were both pretending we didn’t care. I drank a bit too much and grew silent, after a spell of being a little too loud, so I sat on a bench with my arm round Catriona’s shoulders and focused only on the music. The drums were loud and racing, the pipes and whistles wild, and Righil’s beautiful raw voice drowned out the snide remarks around me.
I was tired of them all, and I felt suddenly protective of Catriona, and I knew I had it coming from Conal anyway. So it was almost a relief when I felt his cold call in my head and I turned to lock eyes with him at the far end of the hall.
A light hand touched my shoulder. ‘Your brother wants you, doesn’t he?’ Orach’s voice was low in my ear.
I didn’t look at her, but at Catriona, still mesmerised by the music. ~ Yes.
~ Go on then. I’ll stay with her. Don’t worry.
Craning my head to look up at Orach, I touched her cheek with my free hand.
~ Thank you.
When I rose to leave Catriona jerked up, alarmed, but Orach immediately sat down in my place and said something that made her smile. It would be all right.
As soon as I was within twenty feet of him Conal excused himself from Geanais’s ongoing rant about the failures of the stablehands. He didn’t look at me but got to his feet, walked out through the anteroom and into the courtyard. It was very late by then but it still wasn’t truly dark, and the coolness of the night air was a relief. The music faded to background noise, the voices and shouts to a murmur. His boots rang clearly on the grey stones till he stopped and turned on his heel outside the armoury, and stared at me in silence.
‘You’re your old self,’ I said. I stayed warily back out of reach of his fist.
‘Leave that girl alone.’
‘Don’t be shy, Cù Chaorach. Don’t beat around the bush. Say what you think.’
‘I’m serious.’
So was I, and I think for once I was angrier than him. ‘What do you think, I’m not good enough for her? Think I’m going to rape the little scrap and dump her? Think I’m going to use her like her own kind did?’
‘That’s enough.’ He spoke through gritted teeth.
‘The hell it is. What do you think I am? A little less than human or a good bit less than Sithe? Well, I reckon the girl hasn’t been hurt enough. I told you before. I’m better than any full-mortal and I’ll do the job properly.’
‘Stop this, Murlainn. Stop making yourself into what you aren’t.’
‘What does that mean?’
He paused for long seconds. ‘You know very well what.’
‘Her lover.’
‘No, an all-round hater.’
My hackles rose, and now I’d had enough of this. ‘She won’t be hurt. I will not hurt her more than she’s been hurt already. I doubt it’s possible. Now piss off, Cù Chaorach. You’re my Captain, not my priest.’
He raised his hands and I thought he’d strike me, but as if to stop himself he linked them tightly behind his neck. I knew I was pushing him, but by now I wanted a fight, even if I lost.
‘It isn’t her that worries me!’ he barked. ‘It’s you!’
That shut me up for a moment.
‘You’re Sithe, Murlainn!’
‘Gods help me,’ I said with bitterness.
‘Gods help us all, but think about it! You are what you are, and she’ll live for what? Thirty more years, if she’s lucky? If you’re lucky. Snap your fingers and she’ll be gone.’
‘So.’ I folded my arms. ‘It’s the binding. You don’t want me to bind.’
‘Look, they don’t understand us, they can’t. They can’t know us.’
‘Full-mortals.’
‘Yes.’
‘I thought you were the great equaliser,’ I sneered. ‘I thought they were humans too. I thought they were as good as us.’
Even in the blue half-darkness I could see the colour rush to his cheeks. I knew I had him. ‘It’s not that. It’s not anything like that.’
‘What, then?’
‘You know what binding is, don’t you?’
‘Of course,’ I snapped.
‘So don’t do it, that’s all. Please. It’s only once and it’s for life and death. It knots your souls. There’s not many survive the separation.’
‘It happens. And you’re overreacting. Who said I was going to bind?’ I felt a chill on the nape of my neck, like a warning from fate, but I was too angry to stop. ‘I don’t want anyone to know me. Anyone. I don’t want my soul understood. The idea’s vile. I don’t want to be known.’
‘I know you enough, Seth. You’re too impulsive. Even if you don’t bind, you…’
‘I what?’
He turned away, embarrassed again. ‘You’ll get a taste for them, Seth. Full-mortals. What can they give you? They can’t understand you, can’t see your insides.’
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘Oh, yes, she can.’
He was gritting his teeth so hard I thought he’d draw blood from them. ‘Not the way Orach could. If you let her.’
‘Who said I would ever let her?’ I wanted to spit on the ground at his feet but I didn’t. It would have been insulting to Orach and that wasn’t what I meant. ‘Is that what this is about?’
‘You’ll get too used to it, Seth. Love that doesn’t last. Fooling in the shallows. One short life, one short love after another.’
‘Don’t patronise me.’ I turned my head so that I could spit without too great an insult to him. ‘And don’t worry. I won’t bind to her and I won’t bind to Orach. I doubt I’ll ever bind to anyone. Now you can damn well get me a drink for the insult to my intelligence.’
His grin was a little uneasy but he stepped forward and hugged me. I gripped him tightly against me, clenching my teeth because my eyes were hot with tears.
‘I love you,’ I said, ‘but piss off out of my private life.’
‘And I love you and your filthy disrespectful tongue and all. I should slap you but I’ll get you that drink.’ As he released me we each averted our eyes. ‘I need one more than you do.’
* * *
And so I did the right thing. I did the right thing then, and it hurt so much that later, much later in my life, it helped convince me to do the wrong thing.
No. Even now I can’t call it wrong. My conscience made me fight it, but when my conscience hollered too loudly, I’d make myself remember Leonora. I’d remember how long she survived Griogair, in the end, and I told myself it could be the same for another woman. That another, so like Leonora in so many ways, could outlive for centuries the death of her bound lover. I told myself she would survive me, and live, and be happy again. That’s how I convinced myself.
But all that was far, too far in the future. For now, for Catriona, I did what was right.
* * *
That night we lay together, her back against my chest, my arms around her. Her body fitted mine in every way. Though she was turned away from me I sensed her smile as she reached out to the table beside my bed and picked up the crude wooden wolf.
‘My fingers are better now,’ she said. ‘I could make this better.’
‘Don’t,’ I said. ‘I like it.’
‘Oh! Good.’ She set it carefully back on the table. ‘Can I ask you something?’
‘Uh-huh.’
‘Do you mind if I keep my hair like this?’
I couldn’t answer that. Behind her back I frowned, kissing her between her shoulder blades to buy myself time. Full-mortals bewildered me altogether.
‘What’s it got to do with me?’ I asked eventually.
Wriggling round to face me, she drew a forefinger down my brow to smooth the frown. ‘I thought you’d have an opinion. I thought you might like me to grow it.’
‘I do have an opinion.’
‘Which is?’
‘That it’s up to you how you wear your hair,’ I told her patiently.
‘Then yo
u don’t mind if I keep it short?’
‘Why would I mind?’ I was exasperated. ‘It would be beautiful long. I’m sure I’d love it. I love it the way it is. It’s beautiful short. What do you want me to say? It’s your hair.’
‘All right.’ She made a face and gave me one of her funny smiles. ‘You’re still strange.’
‘Look who’s talking.’ I put my forefinger against her lower lip and she kissed it. ‘This isn’t about your hair, that’s what I think.’
My hair was a lot longer than hers. She stroked it behind my ear, not quite meeting my eyes. ‘No. But them shaving it. It hurt, they pulled half of it out by the roots. And it was terrible, it was humiliating. It was just before they … it was almost as terrible as…’ She gulped. ‘I never want that to happen again. If it’s short no-one can … it wouldn’t be so…’
‘Stop,’ I said. ‘Stop. It will never happen again. Understand? Nobody will touch you again if you don’t want them to. Including me.’
‘Really?’ Her eyes grew sceptical. ‘You wouldn’t touch me now? If I said not to?’
‘Of course I wouldn’t. Where do you people get your strange ideas?’
‘You know, I keep thinking.’ She gave a small and effortful smile, and when she spoke her words were jerky. ‘Fighting off my stepfather. Waste of effort, wasn’t it? If I’d just given in. He’d never have. Done it. Denounced me. And then the guards wouldn’t have. Done that. I wouldn’t have. Been there. Maybe it would have been better for me if I’d just…’
‘That’s what the bastard would want you to think. So don’t.’
‘And if none of it had happened,’ she said after a moment, ‘I wouldn’t be here with you.’
‘These are the thoughts,’ I said, ‘that can drive you mad.’
‘No. That last one is the thought that makes it better.’
I caressed her thigh, felt her flesh tremble under my touch. She was a joy to love.
‘Listen, Catriona,’ I said. ‘There can’t be any binding. My brother won’t let me.’
‘Your brother won’t let you?’
There was such gentle mockery in the question I felt heat flood my face. ‘Well, I wouldn’t just do what he … I wouldn’t just obey him.’ I looked at her ear, but that was so cowardly I made myself meet her eyes again. ‘He’s right.’
Firebrand (Rebel Angel Series) Page 21
