by Barbara Gee
Izzy didn’t even try to deny it. “He’s throwing me off,” she said quietly. “Way, way off. So far off, I’m not sure I know what I’m doing anymore.”
“Well, I gotta say, I like him. He’s witty and fun.”
Izzy huffed. “But that’s just it, Maddy!” she said, careful to keep her voice down in spite of her agitation. “He’s not either of those things. I mean, he wasn’t before tonight. He’s a completely different person here, and that’s a huge problem on several levels.”
Maddy placed two more flavors of ice cream on the counter and looked at the other girl eagerly. “So, what is the problem, exactly?”
Izzy frowned at her friend, not feeling the sympathy she’d expected. “Why do you seem so happy about me having a problem?”
“Because I suspect that what you see as a problem is actually an opportunity,” Maddy said breezily.
Izzy huffed out an irritated breath. “If your mind is going where I think it is, stop it. Don’t even go there.”
Maddy giggled. “My mind is reserving judgment on where it should or shouldn’t go until I get more info. Come on, tell me what you think the problem is while we fill these dishes.”
Since she really needed to talk it out, Izzy complied. “Okay. First thing is, my whole premise for trying to befriend Tanner has been proven wrong. I was convinced he was a lonely, miserable man who had been through some tough times. I was so sure somewhere inside he was crying out for someone to care enough to bring him back to life, to make him see the world as a good place. I wanted to prove to him that no matter how bleak your situation seems, or what’s happened in your past, it’s still possible to find joy.”
“He doesn’t seem all that miserable to me,” Maddy pointed out.
“Not now! Not here! But before this party, he certainly did. When I met him, I thought I’d never seen a more guarded, joyless man. Silly me, I was even convinced God was calling me to help him open up.”
“You don’t think so now?”
“Hardly,” Izzy muttered. “Now it all seems kind of silly, and more than a little embarrassing. I was obviously wrong about him not having friends—look at him with Ryan and Tuck! He doesn’t seem unhappy, either. He’s smiling and talking, and fitting right in with everyone else. Which leads me to the conclusion that it must be me who makes him miserable. That’s an awful feeling, especially because I was trying so hard to do the opposite.”
“You’re not making him miserable,” Maddy declared, “I’m sure of that. Maybe he’s one of those people who can just turn their personality on and off. Like, when he’s at a party, he acts like a party-goer is expected to. When he’s at work, he acts the perfect employee. But when he’s alone, or perhaps with you, he doesn’t bother to put on an act. Maybe the man you’ve seen is actually the real Tanner, and maybe God really is using you.”
Izzy sighed, finishing the mint chip ice cream and moving on to—of course—cherry vanilla. No doubt that one would be Tanner’s choice.
“I don’t know if I want to be used anymore,” she admitted to Maddy.
“And I’m not sure you should let one hour convince you he doesn’t need another friend, Iz, especially when you felt so strongly God put you in his life.”
Izzy shrugged. “Maybe, but it feels completely different now. Before tonight, Tanner was just a man I thought I could help. That was my only motivation. I wanted to spend time with him simply because I thought he needed me, whether he knew it or not.”
“And now?” Maddy prompted when Izzy fell silent.
“Now I see him a little differently.” Izzy looked over her shoulder at Tanner, shivering a little when their eyes met briefly from across the room. She turned back to Maddy, knowing she looked guilty. “When I saw that first smile, everything changed. Now I’m not only thinking about helping him open up, I’m also thinking about how unbelievably hot he is.”
Maddy looked at her skeptically. “Come on, Iz, did you seriously not think about how gorgeous he is before tonight?”
“I thought he was handsome, obviously, but I honestly didn’t think about him like—like an eligible man or whatever. I just wanted him to find healing here. You know how I feel about this place. This ranch is what started me on my journey of faith, and that’s what I always want for other others who come here. I especially wanted it for Tanner, because I was convinced he needed it so badly.”
“You don’t still want that for him?” Maddy asked.
Izzy nodded. “Of course I do, but it’s weird. Seeing him like this—I no longer see him as damaged. For some reason, that makes everything feel different.”
Maddy stopped dipping ice cream and turned to face Izzy, her blue eyes troubled. “I have to admit I’m feeling a little torn about this, Izzy. I’ve been hoping for a while that God would put a good man in your life, and I know Tuck and Ryan think real highly of Tanner. Normally that would be enough for me to try to push you two together, but the thing is, I also know Tanner is very valuable to the FBI. I don’t know details because Tuck doesn’t say much, but I was with him when he got a call from the Minneapolis special agent in charge. That’s Tanner’s boss. It was right after Tanner got here, and his SAC wanted to make sure it was a place he could relax, but also be safe. He had a lot of questions. It was very clear Tanner is an asset he wants to protect at all costs.”
Izzy closed her eyes briefly, not sure what that meant but feeling scared about it anyway.
“I also got the feeling it won’t be long before the FBI wants him back,” Maddy added reluctantly. “That’s the part that makes me hesitant to do any match-making. I remember all too well how hard it was for Tuck the special agent to get used to the idea of letting me be part of his life. He was afraid his job was incompatible with a relationship, and I can see it being the exact same way for Tanner. I’d hate for you to get attached, and then have him cut it off when he leaves.”
“Yeah,” Izzy said on a sigh. “I’d hate that, too, which means I need to make sure it doesn’t happen. I just need to try to put the last hour out of my head and get back to the way things were.”
“Can you do that?” Maddy asked skeptically. “It’s not that easy to switch off feelings.”
“I’m not having feelings,” Izzy said quickly. “I just suddenly find him really attractive in a way I didn’t before. It could complicate things, but I’ll be careful. I won’t let it develop into a problem.”
Maddy opened her mouth to respond, but then Libby breezed in with the cake. That shut down the conversation, not because Izzy didn’t want Libby to know what was going on, but because they didn’t have time to bring her up to speed before serving dessert.
“We’ll talk again soon,” Maddy said in Izzy’s ear as she walked past.
Izzy nodded, standing back as Jolene also joined them, apologizing for getting caught up in a conversation and not realizing they’d been working in the kitchen.
“I’ll handle clean-up, Maddy,” she promised. “Every bit of it. You were so sweet to host this party, but I never meant for you to do all the work. I definitely owe you one.”
“You know I love this kind of thing, and I love Virgil,” Maddy said. “Hosting his birthday party is an honor.”
Jolene hugged her. “You’re the best, but I’ll still clean up. You can put Caroline to bed, then soak in the tub or something.”
“Candles are being lit!” Libby announced, wielding a lighter. “Get the birthday boy over here and someone start singing.”
Virgil beamed as the group sang a boisterous “Happy Birthday” and the cake and ice cream were served. He thanked everyone for taking the time to come, and laughingly suggested they go ahead and pencil in the same date on their calendars for next year.
All in all it was a wonderful party. Izzy continued to mingle and enjoy herself, but she made it a point to avoid Tanner. Not watching him as he smiled and chatted seemed the best way to get back to the frame of mind she’d arrived with. If that was even possible.
CHAPTER 9
As the party began to break up, Izzy busied herself helping Jolene clear off the tables, carrying dishes to the kitchen and putting away the leftover food. She was snapping the lid onto a container of fruit dip when a deep voice—the one she’d been avoiding—rumbled near her ear.
“Should I be looking for another way back to my cabin?” he asked quietly. “I hate to burden you with my presence, since you’ve been doing such a great job of steering clear of me.”
Izzy felt herself stiffen but did her best to hide it. She turned and forced herself to look at him. “I don’t mind taking you home,” she said. “Are you ready to go now?”
“Whenever you are.” He leaned back against the countertop and watched her. “Good party, huh?”
She smiled. “Oh yeah. Virgil loved it. He has so many people who care about him. I love seeing him and Kay so happy.”
“Why’ve you been giving me the cold shoulder for the last couple hours?” he asked, surprising her with his directness, even though she should be getting used to it by now.
Izzy felt her cheeks get warm. She was tempted to make a flippant response and plead innocence, but flippant belonged to the old “never-think-beyond-the-moment” Izzy. The woman she was now longed for honesty and respect, which meant being willing to give that in return. Tanner had asked a valid question, and she wouldn’t allow herself to shy away from it.
“Because I thought I had you figured out,” she told him. “Now I’m just confused, and it’s easier to simply avoid you.”
“Why?”
“Why what?” she hedged.
“Why are you confused?” he asked patiently.
She shrugged. “Because, like I said earlier, you’re a different person this evening. I was getting used to the gruff loner who showed an occasional glimpse of dry humor. Now I’m seeing a normal, socially adept man, and it’s thrown me completely off.”
“Would you feel better if I’d stayed in a corner and kept to myself all evening?”
“No, I like seeing you like this.” Izzy hesitated, then put it out there. “I’m just not sure which is the real Tanner James.”
He folded his arms. “Does it matter?” he asked quietly.
Izzy was saved from having to answer when Libby and Jolene joined them. They worked at cleaning up for a little while longer, then she accepted the container of leftover cake Libby pushed on her and walked with Tanner out to her car.
They didn’t talk during the short drive. She parked in front of her cabin and they both got out, meeting in front of the car.
“You can have this,” Izzy said, handing him the cake. “I’ll never be able to eat all that.”
“You can come over soon and we’ll share it.”
She looked at him warily. “You’re inviting me over?”
He tilted his head. “Sure, unless that will further confuse you.”
Izzy gave a short laugh. “Everything about you confuses me.” She folded her arms and hunched her shoulders, her eyes searching his. “Who are you, Tanner?”
His gaze was steady as they faced each other in the moonlight. After a long moment he replied to her question. “I’m Special Agent Tanner Michael James, and I’m whoever I need to be.”
Izzy gave a soft groan. “That doesn’t help much.”
“It’s the truth, though,” he said softly. “I’m sorry, Izzy. but I can’t give you much more than that.”
She studied him, trying to read between the lines, but the spaces were so small. “Because of your job?” she asked finally.
He drew in a long breath and released it slowly, his expression becoming pensive. “My job has a lot of rules, Izzy, some easier to comply with than others. One of the harder ones is that I don’t have the freedom to talk about what I do.”
Izzy walked up her front steps and sat down on the top one, patting the wood beside her. “Come sit,” she invited. He hesitated, then followed.
“Are you going to ask me more questions I can’t answer?” he asked, slowly lowering his powerful body down beside her.
“If I do, just tell me it’s off limits.”
“I’ll probably have to say that a lot,” he warned.
“Is that why you work so hard to be unapproachable? Because I have to admit, I can see why that might be easier than opening yourself up to a lot of questions you know you can’t answer.” Izzy was beginning to feel like maybe, just maybe, she was beginning to understand the enigmatic Tanner James.
“What makes you think I work at it?” he asked dryly. “Being unapproachable could be my natural tendency.”
She shook her head. “I don’t think so. I mean, I thought it was, until I saw you tonight. You were enjoying being with your friends, and you were comfortable in a social setting. You couldn’t fake that.”
***
Her words hit him hard.
You couldn’t fake that. Oh, if she only knew. The truth was, he could fake almost anything, and no one would be any wiser. It’s why he was so effective at undercover work. What he was coming to realize, however, was that he didn’t want to be fake with Izzy Harding. Right now, he was fighting a surprisingly strong desire to level with this girl, to answer her “who are you” question with the truth about his primary role with the FBI. The problem was, even if he could tell her everything about his job, that was only part of it.
She wanted to know who the real Tanner was—but he didn’t even know that himself anymore. Sometimes he was afraid the Tanner his grandmother had known was gone for good.
Repressing his personality and life experiences had started as a conscious effort to protect himself, because in order to become his undercover aliases, he needed to lose Tanner James. Over the years, as he took on more undercover work, distancing himself from himself had become second nature, until it had finally taken no effort at all, because he barely remembered life before the FBI.
Conveniently, there was no one to mourn the loss of the old Tanner. He had no family, other than an aunt he never saw and some cousins he didn’t even know, and no significant other. And so, in the end, he’d become exactly as he’d told Izzy.
He was whoever he needed to be, given the situation. He was also a man a sweet girl like Izzy should run away from as fast as she could.
She didn’t know that, though, and now she nudged his arm with her shoulder. “Nothing to say in your defense?” she asked, bringing him back to the moment and reminding him she was still waiting for him to answer her question. The one about his job being the reason he worked at being unapproachable.
He considered his answer. Truth was, she had already kind of nailed the basics, and there was probably no harm in confirming that for her.
“Being unapproachable eliminates the need for awkward conversations with nosy women,” he said, softening his words with half a smile.
“I see.” Izzy chuckled. “It backfired this time, though. Having you so determined to push me away is what drew me in.”
“I think it’s safe to say your desire to fix everything and everyone is pretty much out of control.”
“Hmm, yeah, I suppose it is in some ways.” She shrugged. “I just can’t stand to see people hurting.”
She was silent after that. Tanner found he was strangely content sitting there beside her, and not quite ready to go to his own cabin.
“So what are you thinking about the duplex by now?” he asked, needing conversation so he had reason to stay.
“Nice change of subject,” she teased, bumping him with her shoulder again.
“Yeah, I’m all done with the introspective part of the evening,” he replied firmly.
“I understand,” she said agreeably. “I’m not going to push you anymore. I’ve known Libby and Maddy long enough to know about FBI agents and their secrets.”
Tanner leaned back, planting his palms on the porch decking and stretching his legs out on the steps. “I have even more secrets than most, I’m afraid. Which is why I don’t have a Libby or a Maddy.”
Izzy swive
led so she was facing him, leaning back against the railing post at the corner of the steps and drawing up her knees. “If that was a hint, it wasn’t necessary,” she said softly, wrapping her arms around her legs. “I’ve already decided I need to back off and give you your space.”
He hadn’t meant it as a hint, and he was surprisingly regretful to hear she was pulling back. It was probably for the best, but he now had a question of his own. “Care to tell me how you came to that conclusion?”
She leaned her head back against the post. The moonlight was enough to see her features, but not what was in her eyes. She was beautiful though, that much was more than clear, and Tanner felt a longing he hadn’t known in a very long time. A longing to sit on a porch in the moonlight with a girl he liked, and not have to hold back. To pull her close and kiss her soft lips. To see her eyes gazing into his with the same warmth and desire that would be in his own.
When was the last time he’d experienced a connection like that? He’d had a couple of short-lived, semi-serious relationships during college, but nothing since. Not that he’d been a saint, but the time he’d spent with women after joining the FBI certainly wouldn’t qualify as meaningful.
That had been by choice, and he hadn’t longed for more because there was no place for a woman in his life.
There still wasn’t, and yet being with Izzy tonight was stirring feelings he hadn’t dealt with in over a decade. He wasn’t sure if it was the girl herself, or the freedom of being at the ranch, away from his structured existence with the FBI. He suspected it was some of both.
Either way, no good could come of it. Izzy was a sweet, beautiful, caring woman. One he had no desire to hurt. And at the moment, she seemed to be pondering things as deeply as he was himself.
He waited patiently for her to answer his question about why she needed to back away from him. Somehow he knew she would tell him the truth, whatever it was. He liked that about her. A straight-talking girl was a rare thing.
“You’re a complicated man,” she finally said, her eyes glittering in the moonlight.
