by Barbara Gee
She placed her palm lightly against his cheek, for just a brief moment, then slid off his lap and stood up. “I’m okay, it’s just that I haven’t talked about this in a really long time and it brings back awful memories. I hate what I did. I also understand completely if you’re disgusted and grossed out. I’ve changed, but I can’t change the past. It’ll always be part of me.”
She walked to the kitchen area, her normally smooth and graceful movements jerky from nerves. “Do you want some coffee? I completely forgot I made it.”
“Sure.” He got up and followed her, waiting while she poured coffee into two mugs. She handed one to him, not quite meeting his eyes.
Tanner took it, then set it down again, putting his hands on her shoulders. “Look at me,” he said quietly, waiting until she finally raised her face to him. “When I said there’s no judgment from me, I meant it. I went to parties too, you know. Maybe not as many as you, but I’m sorry to say there was a steady stream of girls in and out of my dorm room during my first two years. I barely knew their names, I didn’t want to know them. I was bored and restless and always looking for distractions. Sex was my distraction of choice.”
Izzy looked a little skeptical. “You’re not just saying that to ease my own guilt?”
He smiled down at her, raising his hand and running his thumb along the worried crease between her eyebrows. “Let’s just say you and I would have gotten along fine in college. I might have even asked for your name. And remembered it.”
She licked her lips nervously. “I think we get along fine now, too. Right?”
“Right.”
“Even though I’m not going to sleep with you?” Her cheeks got pink and she quickly stepped back. “It’s not you, I mean, if I still slept with guys I would definitely—you know, I’d—” She closed her eyes and pressed her fingertips to her forehead. “Really?” she mumbled. “Could I be any more awkward?”
He gave a low chuckle. The girl was adorable when she was flustered, and he liked knowing he was the cause of it. But now he had a question. “So have you given up men altogether, Izzy, or are you just a lot more careful?”
She got busy putting plastic wrap over the cobbler dish. “I’ve given up alcohol, wild parties, and sex. The first two I’ll never do again. The third one, not until I’m married.”
He leaned back against the edge of the counter and picked up his coffee mug. “Thanks for being up front with me on that. To answer your question, yes, we can get along just fine without sex.”
Her smile showed relief. “Good.” She smiled shyly. “By the way, you can add ‘good listener’ to your list of attributes.”
“Ah, I like how that list is growing,” he teased. “I need to get going though. I want to call Agent Luther before he goes to bed.”
Izzy’s beautiful face lit up, causing his heart to give a little skip. Wait, what? His heart never skipped. Ever.
“You’re going to call him yet tonight?” she asked hopefully.
He nodded, trying to ignore the whole heart thing. “I am, but don’t expect an answer right away. He’s probably going to have to think long and hard about it. Pretty sure his first instinct will be to say no, but if I have Tuck and Ryan vouch for you, we might have a chance.”
“I won’t share anything with a single person. Not even Andi. I promise you that.”
“I know. I wouldn’t consider telling you if I didn’t trust you.” It was a little surprising to realize he really did trust her, considering there were only a handful of other people he could say the same about. He did, though. He trusted Izzy Harding, and it felt good.
“They can do a background check on me, too,” she said earnestly. “Other than a low moral code there for a while, I don’t have anything to hide.”
“That’s probably the first thing Agent Luther will do.”
“Okay.” She gave a hopeful smile and held up both hands. “Fingers crossed.”
His gaze locked with hers. “It’s important to you, huh?” he asked softly, seeing the truth of it in her eyes. Knowing she cared so much was nice, but he couldn’t help wondering whether she’d look at him like that after she found out more.
“It is.” Her gaze dropped to his chest and her cheeks flushed again. “I like you a little too much, Tanner, you already know that. If learning about your job is what it’ll take for you to let me keep on liking you, then that’s what I want.”
He smiled at her wording. He could only hope her feelings wouldn’t change. “The ball will be in your court after that, Izzy-B.”
She looked up at him, her gaze steady. “I don’t think there’s anything I could find out that will change how I feel about you. But I’m pretty sure it’s going to make me worry a lot more.”
He nodded slowly. “You’re probably right about that. I’m sorry.”
She stepped closer to him and put her hand on his chest. She stared at it for a moment, then raised her eyes again. “He puts you in danger, doesn’t he? Your boss? That’s why you need people like Ryan to save you.” Her jaw clenched. “I don’t think I’ll like him.”
He couldn’t help but smile at her declaration. “I don’t always like him either, but he does his best to protect me. I trust him, and I respect him.”
She stepped into him then, sliding her arms around his waist and pressing her face into his chest. “Why you?” she asked against his shirt.
He wrapped his arms around her slim, strong body, holding her close. “I hope I can soon tell you. After that, if you’re still speaking to me, we’ll have some decisions to make.”
She nuzzled his shirt and he felt her take a long, slow breath. He smiled and tangled a hand in her curls, gently tugging her head back so he could see her face.
“Did you just sniff me, Izzy?” he asked.
She gave him a mutinous look. “It’s your fault, with that darn body wash.”
He grinned. “I used the bar of soap. Honest.”
She frowned and leaned in for another sniff. “So this is just you and plain old soap? No fancy stuff designed to give off pheromones that make you irresistible to the opposite sex?”
He laughed and came clean. “I did use the soap. First. Then I decided to wash again. I didn’t want to disappoint you.”
She stepped back and his arms fell away. “You’re a dangerous man, Tanner James,” she said softly, shaking her head. “Now go make your call. Beg and plead, whatever you have to do.”
He winced. “Begging and pleading aren’t my style, but since you made me cherry cobbler, I might make an exception.” He put his mug in the sink and headed for the door. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Izzy.”
She followed, leaning against the door frame as he walked across the porch. He stopped just before the steps and looked back. His heart did the strange skipping thing again, but he couldn’t blame it. Was there a woman alive more beautiful and desirable than Izzy Harding?
“Will you promise me something?” he asked softly, his hand gripping the rail.
“If I can.”
“Promise me you’re not going to go inside and start wondering whether I’m really okay with what you told me tonight.”
She looked down and scuffed her bare foot against the smooth wood on the porch. “I can promise to try.”
“Well, while you’re trying, remember this. I’m willing to go to my boss and admit to him that in less than two weeks I’ve fallen for a girl hard enough to want to bring her into my life, even though I honestly have no idea how it can work.” He let those words sink in for a moment. “And, Izzy, nothing you told me tonight changes that. Okay?”
Her eyes returned to his, shimmering in the moonlight. “Thank you for telling me that, Tanner,” she said softly.
He smiled, aching to touch her. “You’re welcome. Good night.”
***
Izzy went inside and closed the door, then went straight to her bed, falling onto it with her face buried in her pillow. The tears started immediately, and didn’t stop until there were none
left to squeeze out. She didn’t cry because she was worried about what Tanner thought of her now that he knew about her past. She trusted him when he told her it had changed nothing.
No, she cried because the man she cared about, maybe even loved, had a dangerous job that threatened to take him from her before they even got started. Tanner seemed convinced she would back off after he leveled with her, but why? What was so terrible?
She simply didn’t know. So she cried, muffling her sobs with her pillow. When the tears finally ran dry, she reluctantly left the bed to wash her face and change her jeans and blouse for the shorts and tank she slept in.
On her way to the bathroom, her eyes fell on the Bible sitting on her table. She stopped and stared at it. In her mind, she heard Tanner reciting the verses she’d given him. She heard herself telling him God had compelled her to reach out to him, that it was His plan they become friends. She still believed that, but what she felt now was so much more than friendship. Was that His plan, too?
She sank onto a chair and bowed her head, closing her tear-swollen eyes tightly as she opened her heart to the one who was always there for her.
Did you bring us together, Lord? Is it okay that I’m falling in love with him? Am I the woman he needs and deserves? If I am, please help me show him I’ll be there for him no matter what. Let him see that I’m strong enough. That I’ll be here for him when he can finally come to me. And protect him, Lord. Please keep him safe and let him feel your presence. Fill his heart with your mercy and strength, so he has You to help him through whatever trials he’ll face. Let him know he won’t be alone.
Thank you. Amen.
CHAPTER 14
Izzy: Ready for your verse of the day?
BFF: Always ready for a good VOTD.
Izzy: Ok, this one I actually needed for myself today, but I’m sharing it with you. Cuz you’re kind of awesome.
BFF: Bring it.
Izzy: Actually it’s two verses.
BFF: The anticipation is killing me.
Izzy: Haha. No need for sarcasm. Here they are: Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7
BFF: Hmm. Telling me not to worry is a pretty big order.
Izzy: Me too, but I have to try. Will you do something else for me?
BFF: Good chance.
Izzy: Those verses tell us to pray. I want you to say a prayer today. I don’t care what you say, I just want you to do it. Talk to God for me, okay?
BFF: It’s been a long time. Not sure I remember how.
Izzy: You’ll figure it out. Have a good day.
BFF: You too. See you at dinner.
Izzy: Can’t wait.
***
“Are you okay, Izzy? You seem distracted this morning.”
Izzy looked away from the window she’d been staring out of to see Jolene giving her a worried look. Their morning session had just ended. Lowell and Spencer had gone to the cafeteria for brunch, and Jolene was trying to figure out where an annoying squeak was coming from in one of the elliptical machines.
Izzy had been simply gazing out the window, lost in thought. It wasn’t something she normally did, so it wasn’t surprising Jolene was concerned. She gave herself a mental shake and went to sit on the weight bench beside the machine Jolene was crouching by.
“I’m okay. Not gonna deny I’m a little distracted, though.”
“Want to talk about it?” Jolene asked with an encouraging smile.
Izzy wrinkled her nose. “I kinda do, but I’m not sure how much I should say.”
“Oh man,” Jolene said, stretching out the word and shaking her head. “I’m not sure I can handle a third friend with a secretive FBI agent in her life. You should have gone with an athlete. It’s so much easier.”
Izzy’s jaw dropped. “Wait, how do you know this is about a guy?”
“I know it’s about a guy because I saw how you were looking at Tanner James at Virgil’s birthday party. You’re so gone, girlfriend.”
“Huh. I guess I need to work on hiding my emotions a little better,” Izzy murmured.
Jolene settled cross-legged on the mat, facing her friend. “I wanted to ask you about it right away, but thought I’d give you some space and let you tell me in your own time. But I’m tired of waiting. Time to spill.”
“I don’t know what to tell you. Saying it’s complicated is an understatement.”
“Start with what’s changed. You had me convinced he wasn’t your type, and now you’re all torn up over him. What’s up with that?”
Izzy let her head fall back and gave a frustrated moan. “A lot has changed, obviously. Tanner and I are getting along really well, and we’re kind of tiptoeing around the idea that it could get serious. The problem is, he’s at the beck and call of the FBI, which means he’s going to have to leave soon.”
“How soon?” Jolene asked.
“He doesn’t know. Hopefully not for a few weeks, but even that’s way too soon. We need time, and we probably won’t get it.” Izzy sighed. “I finally find the man I’ve dreamed about my whole life, and he’s going to leave—I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again.”
Jolene frowned in confusion. “You mean he doesn’t return your feelings? That’s hard for me to believe.”
Izzy smiled, remembering Tanner’s promise to talk to his boss about her. “He does. I’m not sure he’s quite as far along as I am, but he’s moving in that direction. It’s just that he’ll most likely get called back before we get to the point where I’ll feel confident we can survive a long separation. It’s so sad, because everything is so perfect otherwise. We even had a long talk last night where I told him all about my sordid past, and it didn’t seem to faze him. He only cares about who I am now.”
“As he should,” Jolene said protectively. “I’m proud of you for talking about it, though. I know that wasn’t an easy thing for you to do.”
Izzy nodded. “But there are still so many obstacles. I don’t want to push for something that’s impossible, but I don’t want to give up without trying, either. In the beginning I told him he was my ‘cause’ and that’s why I kept after him. Now it’s so much more than that.”
“So when did things change?”
“You mean when did he go from being my cause to my crush?” Izzy asked wryly.
Jolene laughed. “Exactly. The man is gorgeous, and if he’s even half the man Ryan and Tuck seem to think he is, that’s a pretty potent combination. I’m surprised you weren’t attracted to him right away.”
“He was scary at first, that’s why, but I was sure God was leading me, so I couldn’t chicken out. I kept bugging him, wearing him down, and he gradually responded.”
“And so did you,” Jolene teased.
Izzy couldn’t help but grin. “Yeah, once I saw his softer side start to come through. The first time I saw him smile was at Virgil’s party. That’s why I couldn’t keep my eyes off him. He was a completely different person that night.”
“Not scary anymore?”
“No. I mean, falling for him is scary, but I don’t find him scary as a man anymore.” She chuckled. “Scary or not, I fall a little harder every time we’re together. It’s impossible not to.”
Jolene nodded. “I can tell. Even if he has to leave really soon, Iz, if you think he’s your guy, why does it have to end? Distance doesn’t have to kill a relationship. It’s a complication, sure, but with FaceTime and Skype and all that good stuff, it’s certainly possible to keep it going until you can be together again.”
“Yeah, maybe.” Izzy was pretty sure it wouldn’t be that easy, based on the little Tanner had said about his job, but she wasn’t at liberty to share that.
“Don’t get discouraged and give up too soon,” Jolene said. “If he’s the one, it’ll work. You’ll figure it out.”
“
I hope so. Pray for us if you think about it.” Izzy looked at the clock on the far wall. “Wow, next session starts in five minutes. Sorry to take up your whole break.”
“Don’t be silly. I’m always here for you when you need me, you know that. And I’ll definitely be praying.”
“Thanks, Jolene.” Izzy stood and stretched. “When does Boone come back?”
“Saturday.” Jolene couldn’t stop her happy smile. “All his mandatory galas and fundraisers and PR events are mostly done for this off-season, and he’ll be here for almost three months with only a couple trips back to Minneapolis. Then it’s off to training camp, but I won’t think about that.”
“And soon after that you’ll be heading back to Minneapolis yourself,” Izzy said. “Yikes. We have some planning to do before then. Do you think it’s too early to post an ad for our next therapist?”
“Probably not. If there’s some overlap, that’s fine. I’ll help train the new person as long as I’m here.”
“I’ll work on the ad soon, then,” Izzy said, walking off toward the utility room. “I’m going to go see if that load of towels is dry.”
“Hey,” Jolene called, “do you know if you’re going to be my neighbor yet?”
“Not yet, hopefully I’ll hear something today.”
“I hope you get it.”
“Thanks, Jo.” Izzy hurried to the room where the big washer and dryer sat. She’d asked Spencer to transfer the load of towels from the washer to the dryer before the first session began, and she hoped he’d remembered.
“Good job, Spence,” she said aloud when she opened the dryer door and was greeted by the scent of warm, freshly dried towels. She moved a wheeled basket close and reached inside the dryer to haul them out.
“Hey, Izzy.”
She popped up and whirled around, her face breaking into a huge smile. “Tanner! What are you doing here?”
“Looking for you. Jolene told me where you were. Need some help folding?”
“I’ll have to do it later. We have the second workout session starting in two minutes.” She quickly fished out the last towels and slammed the dryer closed. “How’d you get away from the barn this time of day?”
