by Barbara Gee
“Sorry I can’t be more specific.”
She shrugged. “I guess it doesn’t matter. We can’t have any contact, whether you’re ten miles away, or thousands of miles away.”
“True.” He shifted in his seat, getting more comfortable but keeping her in his lap. “I’m afraid this is gonna be a bugger of a job, sweetheart. Long and tough. I’m guessing a minimum of six months, maybe up to a year.” He paused to let that sink in. “Do you think we’re up for that?”
Izzy wished he didn’t feel the need to ask that question. She pushed away from his chest and looked up at him, trying to find what she needed to see in his eyes. Too bad he was an expert at giving nothing away.
“I’ve tried to make it clear I’m all in, Tanner. That’s not going to change.” She ran her knuckles along the stubble on his jawline. “You don’t believe me?”
“I want to.” He closed his eyes briefly, and when they opened again, he finally allowed his emotion to show, shocking her with its intensity. “I want to believe we can go the distance,” he said roughly, “but it seems too much to ask. You’d be putting a big part of your life on hold, hoping I’ll come back to you in the same shape as when I left—so we can pick up right where we left off. Nothing is guaranteed, though.” His gaze was apologetic. “There are a lot of unknowns with this one, Iz.”
She felt like her stomach was turning to stone as he spoke. She wanted to be brave, for him, but it took a while before she could speak past the lump in her throat. “So you found out some bad stuff?” she finally managed, her eyes dropping to his chest because she didn’t want him to see her fear.
“You could say that. It’s a little more than either Luther or I were expecting, which I have to admit is bringing back some of the guilt I’ve been fighting when it comes to you and me.”
His frank words terrified her, but didn’t weaken her resolve. She swallowed past the painful lump. “I don’t want to hear about your guilt, Tanner. It’s irrelevant. Do you think I’m going to tap out now, before I even try?”
“Before you get hurt,” he corrected, his voice rough with uncharacteristic emotion. “I don’t want to hurt you, Izzy.”
Frustration pushed past her fear. “I know you don’t, but we’re not going back. It’s too late for that. Besides, no relationship is guaranteed to be all roses.”
He flinched. “Most are a heck of a lot easier than ours, though.”
She grabbed his chin in her fingertips. “Let it go, Tanner. I’m not going to run because I might get hurt. I choose to trust God’s timing, and His intent.”
A muscle jumped in his strong jaw as he searched her eyes. Finally, his mouth relaxed into an ever so slight smile. “You really do believe God is involved, don’t you?”
“Yes. For sure. I believe He brought you here to the ranch for a reason. Probably more than one reason, actually, and I believe He knew I’d fall for you. In fact, I think He wanted me to.” She reached up and tugged his head down so she could plant a light kiss on his lips. “Don’t forget, Tanner,” she said softly, “the cherries were on sale.”
He gave a low grunt. “Back to the cherries.”
“They were my fleece,” she insisted.
“So you’re saying I shouldn’t feel guilty because there was no way I could have stopped it?”
She grinned. “No way at all. And short of saying you don’t want any type of relationship with me, and meaning it, you’re going to have to accept the fact that I’ll be waiting for you to come back to me.”
“I do want a relationship with you, Izzy. You know that.” He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and moved his hand down to curve around her neck. “But I still need you to promise me one thing,” he said gently. “I’m not trying to be over-dramatic by asking, but I need you to promise me this.”
“Promise what?” she prompted when he didn’t finish. The tension was back and she wanted to get this whole discussion over with and focus once again on just being with him, enjoying him while she could.
His voice was strained. “If I don’t come back, promise me you’ll move on to someone else and be happy. Don’t build me up in your mind to the point where no one else will do. I want you to remember me, fondly I hope, but move on. Can you promise to do that?”
Izzy swallowed back her tears and thought hard about what he was asking. Could she promise him that, when her heart was telling her he was it for her? Would she ever find another man even remotely interesting after him? She couldn’t even imagine it now, but if he wasn’t in the picture at all, would that change?
She put her hands on his shoulders and looked him in the eye. “I will promise to do my absolute best, Tanner, but only if you make me a promise of your own.”
He raised a brow and waited.
“You need to promise me that the only reason you don’t come back is if you’re dead.” Her voice broke, but she went on. “If you’re alive, I don’t care what shape you’re in, physically or mentally, you need to come back and tell me what comes next. Whether you still want me, or you don’t, I want you to tell me to my face.”
He sighed. “Pretty sure I know why you’re asking for that, Iz.”
“Well just in case you’re wrong, I’ll spell it out.” She put her hands on his chest. “If something happens to you and you’re not a hundred percent who you are now, I know you might think you’re doing me a favor if you stay away. You won’t want me to be with you out of pity, so you’ll stay away, even if you still want to be with me.” She leaned in closer and cupped his face in her hands, her voice firm. “I won’t let you get off that easily, Tanner James. If you want me to promise to move on without you, then you need to promise you’ll face me, even if it’s to tell me you no longer want to be together.”
“Izzy,” he groaned, taking her wrists and moving her hands away from his face. “I don’t know—”
“Tanner, this isn’t negotiable,” she interrupted. “Don’t you realize I see this every single day at work? I see veterans who have served bravely and proudly, only to come home wounded and feeling they no longer deserve their families. My best friend almost lost her husband because of that misplaced belief. Charlie loves her more than life, but he believed she’d be better off without him, so he tried to drive her away. And you know what? He was wrong. He was so wrong. Legs or not, they’re better together.”
Agitated, Izzy pulled away from him and stood up, pacing to the patio doors and trying to get control of her breathing. She turned back to him and breathed out slowly. “I won’t let you make that decision for us without involving me, Tanner. I deserve more respect than that.”
He stood and came to her, planting his hands on the door frame above her head, his eyes drilling into hers. “If I do come back, and if you find your feelings have changed for any reason, will you tell me? I won’t accept you staying with me only because you feel a sense of obligation, Izzy. I will not have that.”
Her tears spilled over then, but instead of wiping at them, she grabbed onto his shoulders, her gaze unwavering despite the tears. “Don’t belittle what I feel for you, Tanner. If I choose to love you, please, trust me to do it unconditionally.”
His eyes glittered as he leaned a little closer. “Is that what you choose, Izzy?” he asked, his voice low and intense.
“Yes, and I need you to let me. I need you to trust me.”
He searched her eyes and Izzy held her breath, wishing she knew what he was thinking. She’d all but told him she was in love with him, but she couldn’t read him and he wasn’t responding and her knees felt suddenly weak. What if he wasn’t there yet? Would her admission scare him off? Had she ruined whatever chance he’d so far been willing to give her?
She dropped her eyes and let go of him, swiping her fingers across her cheeks. Embarrassed, she tried to step around him, but he brought his hands to her waist, holding her there in front of him.
“Look at me, baby,” he said softly.
She shook her head, biting her lip. He urged her clos
er and she put her hands on his chest to keep some distance, curling her fingers into the soft fabric of his worn tee shirt.
“Izzy. Look at me.” He slid a hand into her hair, weaving it through his fingers and gently tugging her head back so her face was lifted to him.
With no choice, she moved her eyes to meet his.
“You love me?” he asked.
She swallowed, her throat aching with more tears. “I know it’s too soon, but it’s not like I could help it. You don’t have to say it back, I just want you to know it doesn’t matter what happens, because I’ll still want to be with you.”
“You love me?” he repeated, his voice now just a whisper.
“Yes, Tanner. I love you. How could I not?”
His lowered his head and let his lips brush hers, barely there, back and forth once, and then again. “You don’t think I’m ready to say it back?” he asked against her mouth.
Her breath caught as he moved his lips to her jaw, then along the sensitive skin of her neck. A hand went to the small of her back, urging her closer. “I—uh, I don’t want you to feel pressured to say it. Just because I got there so fast, doesn’t mean you did.”
“Do you think we’d be having this discussion if I didn’t care about you so much?”
She didn’t doubt he had feelings for her, she just didn’t know if they were as strong as hers. “I know you care,” she murmured. “I know you want to make this work.”
“But you don’t think I love you?”
“Maybe not yet.” His lips moved to her throat. “I’m hoping you’ll get there, though,” she said breathlessly.
He lifted his head and gazed directly into her eyes. “Oh, I’m there, Izzy. I’ve been there.”
Her heart gave a slow roll as she realized what he’d just said. “You are?” she whispered, pure joy flooding through her.
He smiled, his eyes warm and unguarded. “Of course I’m sure. I love you, baby, don’t ever doubt that. No matter what.” He gathered her close, resting his chin on her head. “I only wish this could be the part where we ride off happily into the sunset. That’s what happens with normal couples, right? They confess their love, and after that it’s roses and diamonds, then picket fences and puppies.”
Izzy had to admit she longed for a version of that scenario, but it would have to wait. She wrapped her arms around his waist, pressing her ear against his heart. “Obviously we’re not a normal couple. Falling in love while your next assignment is looming might not be ideal, but on the other hand, if not for that job, Agent Luther wouldn’t have sent you away to get some downtime. Which means we wouldn’t have met.”
“That’s my girl. Always looking on the bright side.” He released her and grabbed her hand. “Let’s go sit on the porch and look at the moon. I know you’re tired and I won’t keep you long, but I’m not quite ready to leave you yet.”
He led her toward the front door, but Izzy had a better idea. “We can see the moon better from the hammock. You want something to drink?”
“Sure, whatever you’re having.”
Izzy grabbed two bottles of green tea, and a minute later they were laying side by side in the hammock, the moon and stars bright overhead. Tanner’s long body was warm against her side, her head cushioned on his arm.
“So what’s our agenda this week?” he asked lazily. “Work, grab a quick dinner in the cafeteria, and head to your house for more work?”
“That’s my plan. Gloria set up the closing for Wednesday, as long as she can get the deed pulled by then. You’re welcome to sit in, or I can drop you at the house and then meet you there afterward. I’m estimating three more evenings to finish the painting, if we can get Boone and Jolene to help again, and they said they would. I’m going to try to take off work a couple hours early tomorrow to go look at flooring. There’s a store only twenty minutes away. Maybe I’ll get lucky and they can get to it right away, since it’s only the kitchen and bathrooms.”
“What about furnishing the place?”
Izzy sighed. “I just need to find time to run to Grand Forks to get things picked out. Maybe I can head out early when I go to pick up Granny at the airport on Saturday. It’s departure day for the retreat goers, though, and I’m usually around for that.”
“They can probably do without you for once.”
“Probably. I’ll have to see. Anyway, when I do get to the stores, I’m going to start with just the basics. A bedroom suite, maybe a kitchen table, and a sofa for the living room. Oh, and I should get a TV too, I suppose.” She nudged him with her elbow. “So I can get you to mount it above the fireplace before you leave.”
He uttered an exaggerated sigh. “I feel so used.”
“You should,” Izzy said, laughing. “But I’ll make it up to you. Once I get stuff for the kitchen, I can start cooking for you again, to repay you for all your wonderful help.” She turned on her side to face him, laying her arm across his flat stomach. “I don’t know what I would have done without you these last two weeks.”
“Is that really all it’s been?” he asked. “Two weeks?”
“That’s what the calendar says. I know what you mean, though. It’s kinda crazy. How could I buy a house and fall in love in two weeks? Is that even possible?”
“If you were telling the truth earlier, apparently so.”
“Oh, I was telling the truth,” she said with a smile. “And it only happened because you’re special. One in a million.”
They lay there for several minutes, not talking, just enjoying the closeness. Finally, Tanner reached over and smoothed the hair back from her face. “I need to let you get some sleep. You’ve got some catching up to do, after last night.”
“Mmm, I’d rather be with you than sleeping, but you’re right.” She rolled back over onto her back and stretched, her body stiff from all the painting. “I don’t want to insult the veterans tomorrow by yawning non-stop.”
He sat up, bringing her with him. “Careful,” he said as she swung her feet over the edge, causing the hammock to sway. “I don’t want to have to call in with an injury tomorrow because you flipped me out of a hammock.”
Izzy laughed and held it while he safely extricated himself. They walked through the cabin and onto the front porch.
“See you tomorrow, Izzy-B,” he said, drawing her close and dropping his head for a kiss.
As the now familiar heat curled through her, Izzy rose onto her toes and slid her arms around his neck, threading her fingers through his thick hair. Sleep was forgotten as the kiss deepened.
“Ah, sweetheart, this was supposed to be quick,” he said against her mouth, but he didn’t end it for another long, heated minute.
“Sleep well,” he said when he finally broke it off. “No worrying tonight, okay?”
She nodded, reluctantly letting go of him and stepping back. “You, too. I’ll see you after work tomorrow.”
He winced comically. “Seems like a long time to wait, but I’ll do my best.”
She wanted to tell him she loved him again, but wasn’t sure she should. Maybe once was enough for tonight, so he wouldn’t feel smothered.
His teeth flashed white in the moonlight as he tucked a curl behind her ear. “I love you, Iz,” he said, evidently using his special agent powers to read her mind.
She had to bite her lip so her smile wouldn’t be too ridiculously wide. Had any words ever sounded so good? “Love you back, Tanner,” she replied softly. “Good night.”
***
The week was a blur of activity. Izzy went non-stop in the PT rooms all day, going in early and working through lunch hours and every break between sessions to complete paperwork. The final retreat week was always busier than the first, because the therapists were responsible for coming up with final step-up workout plans to send home with each vet, customized to make use of equipment they already had at their homes, or had access to at gyms. The PT team also took the time to meet with the spouses and significant others, to go through a practice run of the
plan. Getting the families involved was the key to making sure the plans worked with each vet’s home situation.
It was time consuming, but well worth it. They regularly heard from veterans who were still enjoying full, active lifestyles months and even years later, and these very retreats had been the catalyst.
It all made for long days, though. Izzy worked from seven in the morning until five or six in the evening, then met Tanner in the cafeteria to grab a quick supper before heading to the house. Boone and Jolene helped finish up the painting on Monday and Tuesday evenings, and the new hardwood and tile was laid during the day on Wednesday and Thursday.
Izzy and Tanner spent those evenings installing faucets, a new bathroom vanity she’d paid to have delivered from Menards, and the garbage disposal. The stone countertop and the new window in the kitchen wouldn’t be installed for another week, but Izzy could live with that delay.
On Friday evening, Tanner installed two ceiling fans and did some caulking. Izzy had decided to order some furniture online, rather than dragging Granny to furniture stores after picking her up at the airport. So while Tanner worked, she sat cross-legged in the middle of the living room floor with her computer and clicked away. Buying furniture online, just going by pictures, was a little harrowing, but so convenient.
A couple of times she got up and carried her computer to wherever Tanner was, asking his advice on styles and colors. He usually had an opinion, but didn’t get bent out of shape if she didn’t agree. He also had some good ideas, like when he suggested going with a king-sized bed even though it was just her at the moment. At first, Izzy thought that was extravagant, but in the end she agreed it was smarter to pay a little extra now rather than having to replace the entire mattress set later because it was too small. Which would only be the case if she got married, and she could only hope that’s what he was thinking when he suggested it.
It was earlier than usual when Tanner finished his tasks and put his tools away. He sprawled out beside her on his stomach, propped up on his elbows.
